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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Tamar on August 4, 2005, at 8:01:12
I think it’s finally clear to me why I’m still having fantasies about establishing a friendship with my former therapist…
I’ve always had lots of male friends, until quite recently. In the last few years a few of my male friends have moved away, and although we keep in touch a bit it’s not the same as having them in the same town.
I have some close female friends and I love them dearly. But I miss male friendship. Of course my husband is my friend, but it’s not the same as having friends who haven’t fathered my children!
It seems so hard to make friends with new men, especially now I’m married with children. If I were looking for places to meet men for romance I’d know where to go. But where do I meet men for friendship?
I met a perfectly nice man a few months ago; he’s interesting and intelligent and funny. We have somewhat similar backgrounds and a few interests in common. He’s not looking for an affair, and neither am I. I know my husband and kids would like him. But he was my therapist. Argh!
Maybe he has a brother…
Posted by pinkeye on August 4, 2005, at 13:01:01
In reply to I still want to be friends with my therapist :(, posted by Tamar on August 4, 2005, at 8:01:12
How about an online discussion group for men where you could also participate? Would that help?
I can understand the feelings about missing male friends. I used to have 3 - 4 guys as close buddies before marriage, and now, though I am still friends with them, we have all moved to different cities, and countries, and the contact is only minimal. Occassional emails and phone calls, and that is about it. But I wish I had more of those kinds of platonic male friends.
Do you have male colleagues? Or no? If so, could you become friends with them? I am little friendly with couple of my male colleagues, but they are more of acquaintance type than actual friends. But I really loved having male friends and I miss it too.
I think you are right about the fact that perhaps that is what your therapist meant the most to you. Even sex comes next I think. But the real friendship and someone to talk to about is the one that you probably miss. Maybe you can go for a brief tuning or check in with him, and maybe you would feel good.
> I think it’s finally clear to me why I’m still having fantasies about establishing a friendship with my former therapist…
>
> I’ve always had lots of male friends, until quite recently. In the last few years a few of my male friends have moved away, and although we keep in touch a bit it’s not the same as having them in the same town.
>
> I have some close female friends and I love them dearly. But I miss male friendship. Of course my husband is my friend, but it’s not the same as having friends who haven’t fathered my children!
>
> It seems so hard to make friends with new men, especially now I’m married with children. If I were looking for places to meet men for romance I’d know where to go. But where do I meet men for friendship?
>
> I met a perfectly nice man a few months ago; he’s interesting and intelligent and funny. We have somewhat similar backgrounds and a few interests in common. He’s not looking for an affair, and neither am I. I know my husband and kids would like him. But he was my therapist. Argh!
>
> Maybe he has a brother…
>
>
>
Posted by damos on August 4, 2005, at 22:23:57
In reply to I still want to be friends with my therapist :(, posted by Tamar on August 4, 2005, at 8:01:12
Now you see, I believe that close male friendships are really important for women for a whole bunch of reasons - none of which I can adequately explain. The few 'real' friends I do have (as opposed to acquaintances) are all female, all are married and know of my situation and in some magical indefinable way we just somehow connect and manage to bring something to each others lives that helps the rest work better.
Sorry to barge in.
Posted by Tamar on August 5, 2005, at 5:56:59
In reply to Re: I still want to be friends with my therapist :( » Tamar, posted by pinkeye on August 4, 2005, at 13:01:01
> How about an online discussion group for men where you could also participate? Would that help?
You mean if I pretended to be a man? Hmm… I wonder if I could get away with it. I’m too curvy in real life, but online’s a different story…
> I can understand the feelings about missing male friends. I used to have 3 - 4 guys as close buddies before marriage, and now, though I am still friends with them, we have all moved to different cities, and countries, and the contact is only minimal. Occassional emails and phone calls, and that is about it. But I wish I had more of those kinds of platonic male friends.
Yeah. It’s so nice to be friends with men who aren’t partners.
> Do you have male colleagues? Or no? If so, could you become friends with them? I am little friendly with couple of my male colleagues, but they are more of acquaintance type than actual friends. But I really loved having male friends and I miss it too.
I have a few male colleagues, and I like them as colleagues, but there’s only one I have anything in common with, and he’s 30 years older than me.
> I think you are right about the fact that perhaps that is what your therapist meant the most to you. Even sex comes next I think. But the real friendship and someone to talk to about is the one that you probably miss. Maybe you can go for a brief tuning or check in with him, and maybe you would feel good.
I think about that occasionally. I think about seeing him. But I know it would be very hard to see him just once or twice. I would want to keep seeing him. I think I’m still working through the pain of losing him, and probably seeing him again would make it even harder. I’m trying to make myself wait six months after termination before I even consider seeing him. It’s been four months. Maybe in another two months I’ll stop getting these little episodes of grief. Or maybe they’ll be less intense. It’s better now than it was two months ago… And in the mean time I’ll try to spend a little more time with MEN!
Posted by Tamar on August 5, 2005, at 6:06:35
In reply to Re: I still want to be friends with my therapist :( » Tamar, posted by damos on August 4, 2005, at 22:23:57
> Now you see, I believe that close male friendships are really important for women for a whole bunch of reasons - none of which I can adequately explain. The few 'real' friends I do have (as opposed to acquaintances) are all female, all are married and know of my situation and in some magical indefinable way we just somehow connect and manage to bring something to each others lives that helps the rest work better.
Yeah, it’s true. Close male friendships are very important. I think there are a lot of factors, but in my case I tend to feel a bit awkward around women. I feel as if I’m just pretending to be a woman and I’m scared that other women will find me out. (I don’t think I’m a man, you understand; I’m just not a proper woman.) But men seem to accept me as a woman and I can just be myself. Yeah, I’m weird.
> Sorry to barge in.
Please don’t apologise! You’re not barging in at all. I always welcome your comments and contributions!
Tamar
Posted by daisym on August 5, 2005, at 9:57:20
In reply to I still want to be friends with my therapist :(, posted by Tamar on August 4, 2005, at 8:01:12
What you say makes a lot of sense, about wanting other men in your life. I think this is among the hardest things about the boundaries of therapy to accept, that you can't be friends even if you obviously would be a good match. Was your therapist much like your husband's personality? I wonder if this contributes?
I heard Barbra Sher talk last night on PBS and she suggested that when you are interesting in something you should go to a conference. And I know the APA is having their HUGE conference in DC very soon. Imagine how many male therapists in one place you'd have access to -- (wicked smile)
Posted by Dinah on August 6, 2005, at 22:10:47
In reply to I still want to be friends with my therapist :(, posted by Tamar on August 4, 2005, at 8:01:12
Many of my friends have been men, and I understand what you mean. (Except that I have absolutely no desire to have my therapist as a friend.)
Well, clearly you need to find some male friends. Hmmm... I know that that can be difficult sometimes. My best male friend's significant others all seem to have trouble with the concept of male/female friendship. I don't understand it myself. My husband has a couple of female friends and it doesn't bother me. And he never minded my having male friends.
Oh, I'm no use as help in this. I can never manage to make friends that well. My husband and I are always looking for good "couple friends" and gosh darn it!, that seems to be harder than finding a spouse. :(
Posted by Tamar on August 7, 2005, at 16:13:06
In reply to Re: I still want to be friends with my therapist » Tamar, posted by Dinah on August 6, 2005, at 22:10:47
> Many of my friends have been men, and I understand what you mean. (Except that I have absolutely no desire to have my therapist as a friend.)Maybe I wouldn’t have this desire if I’d been seeing him for ten years, or if I had lots of other male friends around! I think it’s just another aspect of the transference…
> Well, clearly you need to find some male friends. Hmmm... I know that that can be difficult sometimes. My best male friend's significant others all seem to have trouble with the concept of male/female friendship. I don't understand it myself. My husband has a couple of female friends and it doesn't bother me. And he never minded my having male friends.
Fortunately my husband has no problem with it. He has lots of female friends. But of course I’d have to find male friends with understanding partners.
> Oh, I'm no use as help in this.
You’re always helpful!
>I can never manage to make friends that well. My husband and I are always looking for good "couple friends" and gosh darn it!, that seems to be harder than finding a spouse. :(
I know what you mean about ‘couple friends’… it’s hard to find two people who are both interesting to both of you.
Maybe I should put an ad in the paper:
Woman 35 professional married with kids seeks man any age, appearance irrelevant, for talk about books movies and politics but no sex or romance.I shouldn’t complain, though. I have some wonderful female friends (including those at Babble!).
Tamar
Posted by damos on August 7, 2005, at 22:19:18
In reply to Re: I still want to be friends with my therapist :( » damos, posted by Tamar on August 5, 2005, at 6:06:35
You're right. I think what you talk about and how you talk to a male friend would be very different to the way you'd talk to your girlfriends. I also think you're right about the acceptance thing being different too, and that might be one of the most important aspects.
This is the end of the thread.
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