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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by 10derHeart on June 30, 2005, at 12:17:39
..tomorrow, since I said goodbye/had last session with my former T. I still remember every look, gesture, feeling in the room from that day. Something tells me it's so significant it will be one of those memories that doesn't fade with time, like many others do. I hope not - hurts but I cherish it more than fear the pain...does that make sense?
I can't believe a whole year has passed.
I can't believe I'm doing as well as I am.
I cried myself to sleep last night, reliving it all, and missing him. Yet, overall, I'm okay.
As this day approached, I've kept *checking up* on myself, wondering, "how will I feel? will the painful emotions resurface? will I cry more? be numb? what?" Now, I'm right on top of a significant milestone in time for me, and still unsure what the heck I'm feeling.
Because it seems you can anticipate, analyze yourself (hour by hour even), and compare one separation, loss or experience to another - and still have NO IDEA how you are really going to feel. Emotions are just that way.
Funny when I wrote that, I didn't realize, but it's close to what my ex-T. himself said he's learned about emotions in 16+ years of being a p-doc. I've internalized and adopted a bunch of his *stuff*, no doubt. I like that :-)
I don't know. I'm sad, yet pretty stable and content. As many of you know, I had a gentle and awesome termination with months of email support, and I am still allowed/encouraged to email him any time.
I also have a *new* (uhh...not new any more (7 months), T. who is pretty wonderful himself.
Yes, I know I am twice blessed, and it's like an embarrassment of riches...if I could make this scenario the case for every single Babbler who is/has gone through something much less kind and way more difficult, I would do it! If I had that power....wow! Because, well, it hurts enough when it's done really well.
And I have Babble. You guys...I can't find the words. I was in such severe pain last year, I'm sure I wrote a lot about not making it through losing him, the bond was so strong. Felt like a loss I just couldn't stand. But I did it. Babble carried me a good part of that time.
Still miss him. Now, at this *year mark,* well, it seems like I should break off the contact (it's roughly an email or two every 3 - 4 weeks, sometimes more often, depends on my moods, mostly...) But...he's not telling me to - and he won't. My T. is fine with whatever works, too. I just feel...I don't know, like I should change something. But even now, that's frightening. I want some little piece of him to stay in my life. I don't want to lose him completely just 'cause some arbitrary time period has passed.
I'm committed to my T. now, and I protect that relationship and don't talk with old T. about "therapeutic" stuff (well, almost never) The thing is, I love the man - plain and simple. Wow - it feels good to have a place I can write that down with no fear or ridicule or misunderstanding.
I told him I'd be writing a long email by tomorrow, as I have *reflections* about what it all means at the one-year point. He's told me several times I am so good at reflecting on things, he considers it essential feedback for him to be a better therapist (!) (He's generous with lovely remarks like that!)
But, I haven't been able to write a word. Not that I get too upset, just that there's so much to say....most of which he knows, but I feel like I don't know where to start, or how to do it. Make a list? Ramble on?
Well, I just wanted to post something about what this date means for me. Don't know if I'll have a bigger melt-down in the next day or two, or what.
Tomorrow, I want to do something special for myself...but that sort of honors the previous T. relationship. Haven't come up with anything yet.If you've read this far, thanks. Part of me feels VERY guilty even posting this, as others here have been and are still hurting so badly with bad teminations, etc. But with all the crying last night, I decided I can't push Babble away any time I'm feeling such powerful stuff...I need you all too much...hope I haven't upset anyone.
-- 10derHeart (okay yet not okay...all at once...is that okay? :-))
Posted by pinkeye on June 30, 2005, at 13:10:10
In reply to One Year... (long- possible *termination trigger*), posted by 10derHeart on June 30, 2005, at 12:17:39
You are such a darling - don't feel bad about writing your own stories here.
You haven't upset anyone.
In fact, I felt so good reading your mail, I am really happy that termination could go as well as it has gone in your case. It was something I longer for for myself, and thought it didn't happen that way, I am today happy to see that it went well for you (I am sometimes very jealous of others, but today I am not :-))
I am sure your ex T and current T are both marvelous.. And you will get the best of care. 1 year anniversary is hard - even when termination went really well.. I hope you can allow yourself some more comfort during this time. Maybe talk to your current T about what he perceives for you in the upcoming year?
Posted by Sonya on June 30, 2005, at 13:10:57
In reply to One Year... (long- possible *termination trigger*), posted by 10derHeart on June 30, 2005, at 12:17:39
What a poignant tribute to your past relationship with your T. Naturally, I'm jealous as I'm sure others would be because it sounded truly special, what you had. I'm in the process of terminating treatment with my female T and even though it's scary, I don't think I'll miss it too much. Therapy was often awkward for me because I'm not a very *open* person and often had great difficulty in expressing what I meant. I wish I could be more like others.
I hope you're able to get through this anniversary okay. My thoughts are with you.
Posted by shrinking violet on June 30, 2005, at 13:37:37
In reply to One Year... (long- possible *termination trigger*), posted by 10derHeart on June 30, 2005, at 12:17:39
>> ..tomorrow, since I said goodbye/had last session with my former T. I still remember every look, gesture, feeling in the room from that day. Something tells me it's so significant it will be one of those memories that doesn't fade with time, like many others do. I hope not - hurts but I cherish it more than fear the pain...does that make sense?
--Yes, it does make sense. {{{{{{{{10derheart}}}}}}} I can still remember things my T has said just as clearly now as when she said them, even the inflections and tone of her voice at the time. My last session with her didn't go well at all, so that's very hard to think about, but the session before that was a very tender and special one and even though it hurts to remember it, I'll always cherish it, like you with yours.
>> I can't believe a whole year has passed.
>>
>> I can't believe I'm doing as well as I am.---It's been almost 2 months since I ended with my T, and I wonder where the time went. I'm glad you're doing so well....which I think has a LOT to do with the way your T handled your termination (more on that below). You both deserve much credit.
>> I cried myself to sleep last night, reliving it all, and missing him. Yet, overall, I'm okay.
---I know, it's hard. I have many of those moments still. I'm glad you know you're okay, and that the hurt isn't overwhelming for you.
>> Because it seems you can anticipate, analyze yourself (hour by hour even), and compare one separation, loss or experience to another - and still have NO IDEA how you are really going to feel. Emotions are just that way.
---So true! I'm not even sure what I'm feeling when I'm feeling it (if that makes sense), but that's something I need to work on. Analyzing stuff is a big problem for me, since I overdo it, and I drive myself nuts b/c there are no definitive answers when dealing with emotions. Anticipating it could make it worse, or end up blocking you from feeling whatever it is you would feel if you were more open to it. I'm trying to learn to let things come up as they want to, and then "be" with it for a while, figure out what it means and where it comes from, and try not to let it overwhelm me (of course, I haven't gotten the hang of it yet).
>> I don't know. I'm sad, yet pretty stable and content. As many of you know, I had a gentle and awesome termination with months of email support, and I am still allowed/encouraged to email him any time.--That is so wonderful, it really is. I wish more T's were like yours....Many of us would be spared a lot of unnecessary pain and confusion. I'm glad your experiences have been healthy, positive ones.
>> Yes, I know I am twice blessed, and it's like an embarrassment of riches...if I could make this scenario the case for every single Babbler who is/has gone through something much less kind and way more difficult, I would do it! If I had that power....wow! Because, well, it hurts enough when it's done really well.---Well said. I wish that for us, too. You're sweet to have said so, thank you. :-)
>> And I have Babble. You guys...I can't find the words. I was in such severe pain last year, I'm sure I wrote a lot about not making it through losing him, the bond was so strong. Felt like a loss I just couldn't stand. But I did it. Babble carried me a good part of that time.
--I'm glad you found support and help here.
>> Still miss him. Now, at this *year mark,* well, it seems like I should break off the contact (it's roughly an email or two every 3 - 4 weeks, sometimes more often, depends on my moods, mostly...) But...he's not telling me to - and he won't. My T. is fine with whatever works, too. I just feel...I don't know, like I should change something. But even now, that's frightening. I want some little piece of him to stay in my life. I don't want to lose him completely just 'cause some arbitrary time period has passed.---I know what you mean. And if knowing you *can* contact him if you wanted to helps you, then there's nothing wrong in that. It doesn't seem like much, maybe, being able to contact an ex-T after a termination, but it's SUCH a huge thing. I wish more T's were like yours. Um, could he talk to my ex-T and explain? ;-)
>> I'm committed to my T. now, and I protect that relationship and don't talk with old T. about "therapeutic" stuff (well, almost never) The thing is, I love the man - plain and simple. Wow - it feels good to have a place I can write that down with no fear or ridicule or misunderstanding.
--Nope, none of that here, at least not from me. I so understand what you mean. I love my T also, in a very non-T sort of way. She'll always be special to me as a person, as a woman, and I'll always carry her in my heart.
>> I told him I'd be writing a long email by tomorrow, as I have *reflections* about what it all means at the one-year point. He's told me several times I am so good at reflecting on things, he considers it essential feedback for him to be a better therapist (!) (He's generous with lovely remarks like that!)
>>
>> But, I haven't been able to write a word. Not that I get too upset, just that there's so much to say....most of which he knows, but I feel like I don't know where to start, or how to do it. Make a list? Ramble on?--First, try not to tell yourself you have to have it done by tomorrow, because you'll probably end up blocking yourself with the anxiety a time constraint can cause. Take some deep breaths, tell yourself you're just writing thoughts as they come, you can always edit it later on after it's all down, and it's just a draft. Then sit with your mind for a few minutes, let it lead you, and see where it goes. You might be surprised at what comes out. :-)
>> Well, I just wanted to post something about what this date means for me. Don't know if I'll have a bigger melt-down in the next day or two, or what.--If you do, we're here. But I'm wishing you nothing but peace.
>> Tomorrow, I want to do something special for myself...but that sort of honors the previous T. relationship. Haven't come up with anything yet.---That's a lovely idea.
>> If you've read this far, thanks. Part of me feels VERY guilty even posting this, as others here have been and are still hurting so badly with bad teminations, etc. But with all the crying last night, I decided I can't push Babble away any time I'm feeling such powerful stuff...I need you all too much...hope I haven't upset anyone.
--I admit it was/is hard reading this, given my own situation right now, but at the same time I know it takes as much courage and emotion to write a post like this as it does any other, and I wanted to acknowledge that. And say that I'm so glad that you had some positive experiences, which gives some hope to the rest of us (me, at least).
Thank you for sharing.
sv
Posted by messadivoce on June 30, 2005, at 21:25:24
In reply to One Year... (long- possible *termination trigger*), posted by 10derHeart on June 30, 2005, at 12:17:39
I am SO SO glad you posted this, 10der!! I hope you are not feeling an ounce of guilt!!
<<I still remember every look, gesture, feeling in the room from that day. Something tells me it's so significant it will be one of those memories that doesn't fade with time, like many others do.>>
There are moments in life--good and bad--that stand out sharper and clearer than the rest. A few of those moments for me happened in therapy.
<<As this day approached, I've kept *checking up* on myself, wondering, "how will I feel? will the painful emotions resurface? will I cry more? be numb? what?" Now, I'm right on top of a significant milestone in time for me, and still unsure what the heck I'm feeling.>>
That sounds familiar. I remember approaching my 1-year anniversary feeling that only screaming, crying, and climbing the walls were the only things I could contemplate. But that day was different. It was quiet. It was a culmination of all the quietness and love that he had given me. I wish for you that quietness tomorrow.
<<And I have Babble. You guys...I can't find the words. I was in such severe pain last year, I'm sure I wrote a lot about not making it through losing him, the bond was so strong. Felt like a loss I just couldn't stand. But I did it. Babble carried me a good part of that time.>>
I am glad!! This board has been a gift.
<<Still miss him. Now, at this *year mark,* well, it seems like I should break off the contact.>>
Says who? There are no rules. I think you should e-mail him as long as you need to.
<<I want some little piece of him to stay in my life. I don't want to lose him completely just 'cause some arbitrary time period has passed.>>(wipes away tears) I know. I know. I know.
<<The thing is, I love the man - plain and simple. Wow - it feels good to have a place I can write that down with no fear or ridicule or misunderstanding.>>
I get it. Funny how simple it is, yet hard for others IRL to understand.
<<I decided I can't push Babble away any time I'm feeling such powerful stuff...I need you all too much...hope I haven't upset anyone.>>
I'm glad you didn't push us away. We need you too.
Love,
Voce
Posted by Damos on June 30, 2005, at 22:00:44
In reply to One Year... (long- possible *termination trigger*), posted by 10derHeart on June 30, 2005, at 12:17:39
Thank you for being here with us 10der and for sharing all that you do. Congratulations for making it this far. And personally, 'thanks' for so many things.
(((((10der)))))
Posted by shrinking violet on July 1, 2005, at 21:01:05
In reply to One Year... (long- possible *termination trigger*), posted by 10derHeart on June 30, 2005, at 12:17:39
Posted by 10derHeart on July 1, 2005, at 22:31:03
In reply to 10derheart how are you? (nm) » 10derHeart, posted by shrinking violet on July 1, 2005, at 21:01:05
I'm alright, SV. You are wonderful to ask.
So sorry I didn't answer each person yet.
I promise, promise, promise I will tomorrow.
Just tired and restless and trying to figure out my whole life in one day (like that's even possible!)
Worried about ex-T. a little - for NO tangible reason - I just get these powerful surges of intuition about him sometimes...and I've been right before....he's been ill with the flu, or having great work stress (he never shares about *what* -his private business - but I kind of guess it's overwhelming workload at his clinic some weeks - and when he was on call once it was hard...) and I either dream it or I just *know.*
Plus, I sent him an email a few days ago, then one this morning (not THE one you encouraged me about...haven't beeen able to manage it yet) and he only sent a :-) (< smiley) back, which is sort of shorthand between us for him being VERY busy, letting me know he read what I wrote but is unable to respond...then I sent another one and he never answered - before a 3-day weekend it's not his style....
ah, well, it'll be okay....night time always makes things seem worse...like I'm speculating he's sick of me now, and me mentioning I was writing something for him made him *really* realize it's been a YEAR...and OMG why is she still bothering me....it could be true...but I think that's just faulty thinking, which he taught me so well how to STOP....but I'm still vulnerable around thinking he'll just disappear (change jobs/move/canx his email) to be rid of me.....sound familiar?
See, even me, with my beautiful termination experience....well, I still can't accept acceptance and care....it's alien somehow...guess that's why I've still got PLENTY to dig into with current T. (who also blew off an email today...very uncharacteristic...but he answers from home on weekends, silly man, so there's always tomorrow)
wow, didn't know I would say all that to you, it just came out...you are VERY easy to *talk* to, SV, I'm so, SO glad you're still posting here and feeling well and stable enough to do so (sometimes, anyway)
we all just really need each other, don't you think? hope you're finding good stuff to focus on.
I'll post back to evryone on this thread tomorrow...sleep seems important now...
Posted by shrinking violet on July 4, 2005, at 18:20:18
In reply to Re: 10derheart how are you? » shrinking violet, posted by 10derHeart on July 1, 2005, at 22:31:03
>> I'm alright, SV. You are wonderful to ask.
>>
>> So sorry I didn't answer each person yet.
>>
>> I promise, promise, promise I will tomorrow.
>>
>> Just tired and restless and trying to figure out my whole life in one day (like that's even possible!)--No, I suppose it isn't, but I know what you mean, I always try to do the same thing. :-) And don't apologize. I'm glad you're okay.
>> Worried about ex-T. a little - for NO tangible reason - I just get these powerful surges of intuition about him sometimes...and I've been right before....he's been ill with the flu, or having great work stress (he never shares about *what* -his private business - but I kind of guess it's overwhelming workload at his clinic some weeks - and when he was on call once it was hard...) and I either dream it or I just *know.*---My God, I just said something similar about my T in a post above. I can usually "feel" things about people I'm close to or care about, and I'm feeling a lot from my T right now too. I do hope your T is all right...You could just let him know you're thinking of him and wishing him the best, etc, without asking anything personal of him. I think just knowing that someone feels "with" you at times of distress even if they don't know what is going on can be helpful in its own way. And I'm sure he'd be touched by your thoughtfulness.
>> ah, well, it'll be okay....night time always makes things seem worse...like I'm speculating he's sick of me now, and me mentioning I was writing something for him made him *really* realize it's been a YEAR...and OMG why is she still bothering me....it could be true...but I think that's just faulty thinking, which he taught me so well how to STOP....but I'm still vulnerable around thinking he'll just disappear (change jobs/move/canx his email) to be rid of me.....sound familiar?--Oh yes, very much so, only now I don't have my T to ask, so it's harder to fight those thoughts when I get them. They are very convincing, aren't they? But if your T felt that way at all, he wouldn't have let you stay in contact with him after terminating. The fact that he does says a lot about him as a person and a T. T's are human, though, and they do have problems, and they get busy, and distracted, and probably feel neglected and drained at times. But that doesn't mean they care any less (right?....*sigh* there's my brain kicking in again. I'm still convinced my ex-T must loathe me for cutting me off like she has). Anyway, if you haven't heard from your T yet, I'm sure you will soon. Have faith in him and yourself.
> wow, didn't know I would say all that to you, it just came out...you are VERY easy to *talk* to, SV, I'm so, SO glad you're still posting here and feeling well and stable enough to do so (sometimes, anyway).
--You're very sweet, thank you. I'm glad you feel that way. You're welcome to "talk" with me anytime.
>>we all just really need each other, don't you think? hope you're finding good stuff to focus on.--Yes, I'm learning that also. And I'm trying; some minutes/hours/days are easier than others. Thank you :-)
Thinking of you.
Take care,
sv
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