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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by pinkeye on June 23, 2005, at 22:43:37
I have come to a final conclusion about my ex Ts behavior towards me.. It is that he just didn't care enough. Otherwise, he wouldn't have left a patient like that..
He wrote to me for a long time, but even then, he was never happy about replying I think.. most of the times, I would write 5 - 6 mails, and he would reply mostly once in 2 - 3 months very briefly.
I think I should have seen he stopped caring for me long long back, and should have terminated myself 2 years back. Instead I just kept writing to him, and he also said it is ok for me to write.. So I think I was just pestering him without knowing his disinterest. Plus he had also become an important guy during that time, and his mind must have been occupied with so mnay other better things.. And I think he stopped caring or bothering long long time back. I was just stupid to not realize that. I think he tried telling me to go to someone in the US and since I didn't leave him, must have got really irritated with me. And maybe because I was introduced by a mutual friend, maybe he just wanted to keep writing once in a while as a courtesy even though he was bored to death perhaps.
I wish I had seen it sooner and had the courage to terminate myself atleast a year back..
Posted by pinkeye on June 23, 2005, at 22:55:39
In reply to Coming to a finaly conclusion about my ex T., posted by pinkeye on June 23, 2005, at 22:43:37
And he probably kept expecting that I would leave him on my own.. and I was just so desperate that I kept clinging on to him.. and in the end he got so very frustrated that he decided to just terminate me on his own.. and again I wrote a few times..
He must have thought I am one crazy case.. My God now thinking back it is so very embarassing how I tried to keep clinging him and never let him go. How I never saw his irritation.. And I wasn't even paying him.. Surely I must have had some sense to not have overtaxed his courtesy.
Posted by pinkeye on June 23, 2005, at 22:57:51
In reply to Re: Coming to a finaly conclusion about my ex T. » pinkeye, posted by pinkeye on June 23, 2005, at 22:55:39
And now I have the guts to blame him for terminating me improperly.. He must have just been waiting to terminate me..
How so silly and foolish of me.
Posted by Jazzed on June 23, 2005, at 23:07:03
In reply to Coming to a finaly conclusion about my ex T., posted by pinkeye on June 23, 2005, at 22:43:37
One thing that comes to mind, when I hear about your letters to your T, is that when I left my first T, the 2nd T (who was trying to help me get over the damage the 1st T had done) told me that the 1st T's interference wasn't harmful to me, and that there should be no contact if I was going to get through this. He was right. I didn't have any contact for about a year, and it took that long to pull my life back together.
Maybe, in not having contact with you, he feels that he is doing the right thing. I don't know. Maybe he feels he's protecting himself, maybe he feels he is protecting you. It's so complicated to know exactly what's going on, and why they're doing what they're doing. Maybe write to him and tell him you're moving back to India in Aug., and in order for you to put this to rest, you need to know why he terminated you, and how hurt you've been by it?
Jazzy
Posted by Tamar on June 24, 2005, at 9:09:48
In reply to Coming to a finaly conclusion about my ex T., posted by pinkeye on June 23, 2005, at 22:43:37
I tend to think that whatever the reasons for his behaviour – whether he was bored, or busy, or felt it was difficult to help you by email over such a huge distance – he should have handled your termination better. I know you say he suggested you should find a T in the US. But I think instead of making a suggestion he should have said something like: “Doing therapy by email across continents isn’t ideal for either of us. It’s difficult for me to understand exactly what you’re going through, and I am not able to give you the support you really need. I think you would benefit from further therapy, but it should be face-to-face therapy with someone in the US. I am willing to continue supporting you by email for three more months, which should give you time to find a therapist in the US. During these three months we should discuss what the end of this therapeutic relationship means to you.”
He should have been absolutely honest about his intentions: he should have offered you a time to go through the termination process with him, and he should have been clear that after the termination process was over there would be no further contact.
You seem to be beating yourself up for not having read his mind. But we aren’t supposed to be able to read their minds – heck, they won’t even tell us the most basic things about themselves. So it’s not your fault you didn’t know what he was thinking. He should have been more proactive and more direct with you.
Just my two cents.
Tamar
Posted by pinkeye on June 24, 2005, at 15:34:57
In reply to Re: Coming to a finaly conclusion about my ex T. » pinkeye, posted by Jazzed on June 23, 2005, at 23:07:03
Thanks Jazzed.
I think he won't reply anyway anymore.. That is the worst part. And I have tortured myself endlessly trying to come up with a reason.. But maybe that is the way they operate..
Posted by pinkeye on June 24, 2005, at 15:36:24
In reply to Re: Coming to a finaly conclusion about my ex T. » pinkeye, posted by Tamar on June 24, 2005, at 9:09:48
That is true. I wish he had done that.. given me 3 months to terminate slowly, and then stopped. That would have really helped..
I am beating myself up over this.. I don't know how to stop.
Thanks Tamar.. You have been really supporting me through this.
This is the end of the thread.
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