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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 11 to 35 of 35. Go back in thread:
Posted by whirlpool on May 3, 2005, at 14:38:55
In reply to Re: Is Babble keeping me regressed? » whirlpool, posted by pinkeye on May 3, 2005, at 14:15:42
Yes, I know what you mean. Knowledge can have such a limited effect when what is really needed is a personal response. It is understandable that you don't want to send the email, since you are quite certain you won't receive what you need. Maybe if he could know how important it is for you, he might give you what you need. But I know it is more complicated.
Posted by pinkeye on May 3, 2005, at 14:45:01
In reply to Re: Is Babble keeping me regressed? » pinkeye, posted by whirlpool on May 3, 2005, at 14:38:55
Thanks for the understanding. I think you are new to this board, so here is an welcome from me. ((Whirlpool)).
I have tried several times to tell him. And I have terminated with him 3 months back, and haven't gotten any response to my subsequent emails. So I don't want to go again and send one more. He would most likely just dismiss it. And it would hurt me only even more. Maybe there is no point in trying to heal further.
Sorry I am sounding so bitter today. Usually I am not this bitter.
Posted by pinkeye on May 3, 2005, at 15:03:59
In reply to Re: Is Babble keeping me regressed? » whirlpool, posted by pinkeye on May 3, 2005, at 14:45:01
Anyway, I am sorry for the tone of my posts. I have been having a rough time, and I think I am just venting out.
You are new to this board, and I know you don't know my full story.
Shortly - I had a very good T, and I had to terminate with him, and I had huge transference issues (mostly about my dad - as I came to realize later) with him. But I am still not over the termination and my issues with my dad etc.
Sorry again.
Posted by whirlpool on May 3, 2005, at 15:16:53
In reply to Re: Is Babble keeping me regressed? » whirlpool, posted by pinkeye on May 3, 2005, at 14:45:01
Thanks for the welcome, Pinkeye.
And for the understanding you always have for everyone.
Could there be another explanation for not having received a response from your former T after termination? It could be a coincidence, and maybe something happened that didn't enable him to have access to a computer, for instance. I know it's a long shot, but...from your acquaintance with him in the past, is he the kind of person who would ignore your emails, especially if you told him how you felt?
In any case, please don't assume there is no point in trying to heal further. You may feel that way now, but that's because it is still so painful for you.
I had a problem with a former T whom I was very attached to and who very much hurt me emotionally. This happened several years ago and I am still not over it, but with time and after discussing it with other people I began to understand that he must have his own problems. And now it seems more important to me what my current T thinks.
I think that with time you will feel less of a need for "approval" from your former T.
You may also decide to send him an email telling him how all this is affecting you, and even though you may not receive a reply, knowing that he read it might also have a helpful effect.(((Pinkeye)))
Posted by pinkeye on May 3, 2005, at 15:31:44
In reply to Re: Is Babble keeping me regressed?, posted by whirlpool on May 3, 2005, at 15:16:53
Thanks a lot Whirlpool. You seem very understanding too. Your post brought tears to my eyes.
My ex T was a pretty good person. And he tried his best to help me. You were right, from my past experience, he wouldn't have ignored me.
But now that I terminated with him, I think he doesn't want to hear anymore from me. Otherwise, he would have said so. I have asked him to tell me if it is ok to keep in touch. He didn't respond. Plus he has retired also. So it is not right for me to disturb anymore as well. It feels like bugging him to me, and I don't like the feeling. If I hadn't terminated that would have been a different story. And atleast if he was currently praciticing, I would have felt better. But this is like intruding into his personal life and time.
I don't think it has anything to do with any other circumstance - like coincidence or no access to computer etc.
Thanks again for your understanding. I don't have any attachment towards my current T, so whatever she says is only information for me. It doesn't carry any personal significance. I think that is crucial to healing.
Posted by whirlpool on May 3, 2005, at 16:06:56
In reply to Re: Is Babble keeping me regressed? » whirlpool, posted by pinkeye on May 3, 2005, at 15:31:44
I am sorry that your former T decided not to respond. Does he know that you have a new T? Maybe part of the reason for his lack of response is due to his feeling that keeping in touch with him would somehow disturb your therapeutic relationship with her. I mean, besides personal reasons, maybe there are professional reasons behind his behavior as well.
Is your lack of attachment towards your current T due to your feelings about your former one, or do you feel it is something about her that is lacking?
Posted by whirlpool on May 3, 2005, at 16:18:10
In reply to Re: Is Babble keeping me regressed? » whirlpool, posted by pinkeye on May 3, 2005, at 15:31:44
I am sorry that your former T decided not to respond. Does he know that you have a new T? Maybe part of the reason for his lack of response is due to his feeling that keeping in touch with him would somehow disturb your therapeutic relationship with her. I mean, besides personal reasons, maybe there are professional reasons behind his behavior as well.
Is your lack of attachment towards your current T due to your feelings about your former one, or do you feel it is something about her that is lacking?
Posted by pinkeye on May 3, 2005, at 16:24:32
In reply to Re: Is Babble keeping me regressed? » pinkeye, posted by whirlpool on May 3, 2005, at 16:06:56
I don't know why Whirlpool, but your posts seem to trigger something in me. Kind of like strikes a chord, and it keeps bringing tears to my eyes. I don't know why though. In a good way. Not in a bad way.
My former T knows that I am going to a new T here. Maybe what you have said is possible. But I doubt it. More than likely, he thought he was hurting me more than helping me - because of my transference to him (at that time it was purely romantic transference - only now I understood it is actually more paternal kind of thing), and he had retired from practice also. So maybe he thought it is not a good idea to keep in touch or unethical to keep in touch. Or maybe he just got bored with me as well. I had been writing to him non stop for 2 and a half years, and maybe he just got fed up. Anyway, I thought he liked me as a patient, but in his last mail he had written there was really no question of liking me or disliking me. So I figured he must have just got fed up with me.
My non attachment to my current has nothing to do with him. She doesn't encourage any attachment. And she is not very warm or caring. In fact she is pretty cold - and doesn't empathize with me that much. But she is very capable, and has lot of insights. Except that she is almost like a blank slate most of the times, and it is hard to feel any attachment to her.
Thanks for listening to my story.. everybody else in this board are already fed up of hearing my story over and over again.
Posted by whirlpool on May 3, 2005, at 16:34:11
In reply to Re: Is Babble keeping me regressed? » whirlpool, posted by pinkeye on May 3, 2005, at 16:24:32
Pinkeye, I'm sure no one is fed up with hearing you. Not your former T, either. You are such a kind, sensitive and insightful person. It is a shame you are hurting like this.
I am sorry I have to go offline now, but there are things I wanted to add and will continue tomorrow.
Take care,
whirl.
Posted by pinkeye on May 3, 2005, at 16:46:13
In reply to Re: Is Babble keeping me regressed? » pinkeye, posted by whirlpool on May 3, 2005, at 16:34:11
Thanks so much Whirlpool. You don't even know me all that well yet you are so kind to me.
I am sure you will find lot of support on this board for helping in your own stuff as well. I am glad I found this board. It has helped me so very much.
Hugs,
Pinkeye.
Posted by Dinah on May 3, 2005, at 20:29:05
In reply to Re: Is Babble keeping me regressed? » whirlpool, posted by pinkeye on May 3, 2005, at 16:24:32
I think most of us recognize it's part of the process.
Posted by pinkeye on May 3, 2005, at 20:38:46
In reply to Pinkeye, we are not!, posted by Dinah on May 3, 2005, at 20:29:05
Thank you Dinah.
It must be something to do with my own psychology. I never feel it is ok to feel things myself. I tell others it is ok. But I never really allow myself to feel. I keep denying it and somehow think I am being a pain to everyone around me. Even though I recognize I don't feel that way about others. I think lot of it has to do with how I was brought up as a child and being completely isolated from everyone and having had to please my father all the time. I even gave up my basic need to even talk to my mom and connect with her because my dad asked me not to. And I think it is continuing till today.
Posted by pinkeye on May 3, 2005, at 21:21:27
In reply to Re: Pinkeye, we are not! » Dinah, posted by pinkeye on May 3, 2005, at 20:38:46
Anyway, I feel really bad to keep blaming my dad also. I am 28 now, I should be able to feel as I want.. Not still be controlled by ghosts from the past.
Posted by Tamar on May 4, 2005, at 3:45:37
In reply to Re: Is Babble keeping me regressed? » whirlpool, posted by pinkeye on May 3, 2005, at 16:24:32
> Thanks for listening to my story.. everybody else in this board are already fed up of hearing my story over and over again.
We're not fed up. Many of us tell our stories over and over. I know I do! Tell it as often as you need to. We'll be here for you.
(((((pinkeye)))))
Posted by pinkeye on May 4, 2005, at 12:18:34
In reply to Re: Is Babble keeping me regressed? » pinkeye, posted by Tamar on May 4, 2005, at 3:45:37
Thanks Tamar.
Posted by whirlpool on May 4, 2005, at 14:54:45
In reply to Re: Is Babble keeping me regressed? » whirlpool, posted by pinkeye on May 3, 2005, at 16:46:13
Hi Pinkeye,
Thank you for your words of encouragement. You are also very kind to me and to everyone here.
I think your T stopped replying because he thinks it may be hurting you. If he continues writing, it would be as though you have two therapists, and that may be a problem.
Is your new T analytically oriented? Ts with that orientation tend to be "blank slates" in order to aid the transference process. If you feel the insights are not enough to help you heal and that you need something more, you may consider finding another T. Is that something you considered?
Whirl.
Posted by pinkeye on May 4, 2005, at 15:30:34
In reply to Re: Is Babble keeping me regressed?, posted by whirlpool on May 4, 2005, at 14:54:45
Thanks Whirl
The problem is not with the current t. I am quite comfortable with her. Even though I don't have any attachment per se, I like her. She does remain like a blank state. And I like it that way - I think. Because otherwise, I will get atatched to her and it will be hard to terminate again.I am more hurting over my ex T. And I don't know what the right solution is.
Thanks a lot for the support.
Posted by pinkeye on May 4, 2005, at 15:44:51
In reply to Re: Is Babble keeping me regressed?, posted by whirlpool on May 4, 2005, at 14:54:45
Actually it is not a question of any lack of expertise on her part. She doesn't encourage any transference, and right now another transference is the last thing I need too.
I really liked my ex T. That is why it hurts so much. I am trying to get over it.. but it is very hard. especially, because this was the first time I really bonded closely with someone in my life. and it is very hard to understand why the person would suddenly one day terminate and want me to move off and forget all about him. it is kind of extremely hard to comprehend for me.
My new t says it all has to do actually with my dad. I had a very controlling father. maybe it is all due to that
Posted by whirlpool on May 4, 2005, at 15:47:31
In reply to Re: Is Babble keeping me regressed? » pinkeye, posted by pinkeye on May 3, 2005, at 15:03:59
You have no reason to apologize.
(((pinkeye)))
Posted by pinkeye on May 4, 2005, at 15:58:43
In reply to Re: Is Babble keeping me regressed?, posted by whirlpool on May 4, 2005, at 15:47:31
Thank you.
I am actually better today. And my ex T is really a good person. And many times I realize he wouldn't do anything to hurt me.
But sometimes, my own self dislike makes me think he hated me.. somehow wanted to get rid off of me etc.
I know it doesn't make too much sense. But I think lot of clients tend to take everything the T does/says very personally, and somehow think it reflects on them personally. Logically I know it is probably a stupid conclusion to make. But emotionally I am never able to understand and let go.Somehow I want him to like me back as much as I liked him. But I know that is quite not possible. I was just one of the many patients for him, and he dealt with me on a professional level from the beginning. But somehow I kind of mistook that professional relationship for personal one.. and even though I realize I am beign stupid, I can't seem to fully grasp it.
Posted by whirlpool on May 4, 2005, at 16:28:51
In reply to Re: Is Babble keeping me regressed? » whirlpool, posted by pinkeye on May 4, 2005, at 15:58:43
You are not being stupid. Those feelings are part of the transference, and it is also natural that you would become attached to someone who meant so much to you.
Maybe you really need to work more on the issues you had with your father. I don't know much about that but your new T seems to agree with you that the problem might be there.
Don't forget that as difficult as things are now, they will get better.
Hugs,
whirl.
Posted by pinkeye on May 4, 2005, at 16:42:28
In reply to Re: Is Babble keeping me regressed? » pinkeye, posted by whirlpool on May 4, 2005, at 16:28:51
Thanks Whirl.
It has been like this for a long time now.. better two days, and worse two days, then go back to being more stable for two days. then go back to worse.it is really hard. and the worst part is I understand things very well with my brain. but my emotions seem to have a life of their own completely.
And it doesn't work.
thanks a lot for your support.
Posted by pinkeye on May 4, 2005, at 20:00:00
In reply to Re: Is Babble keeping me regressed? » pinkeye, posted by whirlpool on May 4, 2005, at 16:28:51
> You are not being stupid. Those feelings are part of the transference, and it is also natural that you would become attached to someone who meant so much to you.
If it is all just transference, why does it feel so real? Why do I think my ex T didn't like me at all? It hurts too much when I think that, you know?
> Maybe you really need to work more on the issues you had with your father. I don't know much about that but your new T seems to agree with you that the problem might be there.
Actually it is not about my new T agreeing with me, it is more about me agreeing with my new T. I didn't actually think my dad had anything to do with all this. But it is my new T's opinion that the way he brought me up caused me lot of conflicts. I thought actually I was pretty ok with my dad.
And I realized she is probably right about some things about my dad. He was in a way extremely controlling, and he kept me all to himself for a long time. He wouldn't let me talk to even my mother many times. He wouldn't let me make any emotional bonds with other friends. He wanted me all to himself. And I had a very confusing relationship with him. I kind of even served as an emotional companion to him - kind of almost serving like a surrogate wife to him, more than I was a child. He kept looking up to me, to meet all his emotional demands. He wanted to share everything with me, and would take me to movies, restaurants, relatives places, everywhere - just the two of us, ignoring my mom. My mom was pretty much like a dummy in my house. It was fine when I was a child, but when I started growing up to an adult, I think that kind of intense relationship confused me a lot. I got really confused about a father role and a husband role. And he used to terrorize me about the world - he wouldn't let me travel anywhere alone, even to the next street. Only for US he sent me, but even that, it was all about fulfilling his own ambitions, more than it was about what was good for me. To top it all, he would be very physically demonstrative of his affection also - used to carry me, hug me, kiss me, sleep in the same bed with me hugging me tightly, like how we treat a 5 year old - well into till I was even 20. I tried to pull away from that, but he wouldn't let me. He didn't abuse me, and never would, he thought he was bringing up a most loved daughter in the whole world. My dad is a very good person, but I think he was very insecure and was over possesive and jealous of sharing me with others, and subsequently he was behaving in a totally unacceptable way. Several times he even used to tell me that I should never get married - that I should not leave him and go with someone else. That I should always stay with him. And I think all that led me to grow up only halfway. So I would always behave like half woman, half child. I think the child part was my resitance to being forced to serve as an emotional equal for my dad and to meet all his emotional needs.
And he would always shout so much at my mom and me and punish me also. As I was telling in a recent thread, once, for a small mischief I did, he asked me that I needed to die as a punishment.. and he made me get a rope and tie a noose with it, and asked me to say goodbye to my mom saying that I needed to die and actually even made me put the noose around my neck. After that he stopped - saying that he meant that only as a lesson. Things like that.. Now it seems pretty simple, and that many kids go through these things and emerge fine.. but I think I didn't have any other support - I was an only child, and my dad made it very clear that I was not to form emotional bonds with anyone else.. So I really didn't have a way of learning the right things.
And my new T says it is the same confusion that I projected on to my ex T. That part of me kept looking up to him almost like he is my second dad, and part of me kept looking up to him to fulfill my husband's role (I had lot of trouble with my husband also at that time). And I think that is why my transference had been pretty intense.
And my new T says I have a typical pattern of a kid who gets into Freudian complications. Kids who get very attached to their dads/moms and get confused about their attachment into attraction. And she says I projected everything on to my ex T, because he was in a much more acceptable age range and I could safely think of everything with him.
My ex T didn't think it had anything to do with my dad also.. But he kind of knew my dad, so I couldn't be very open to him about all these. Plus I was very embarrassed to admit everything - especially the part about being extremely physically close. I think that kind of really confused me.
> Don't forget that as difficult as things are now, they will get better.
Thanks so much Whirl. Anyway, talking to you in these two days has been bringing me some peace. Don't know why though, but it feels very peaceful. Thanks a lot. You are pretty new to this board, I should really not be unloading my story on to you, but you seem very understanding.. Feel free to ignore if it is all too much for you.What is your story? Care to share it now or someother time? I don't remember reading too much of your posts before.
Hugs,
Pinkeye.
> Hugs,
> whirl.
Posted by whirlpool on May 5, 2005, at 15:21:16
In reply to Re: Is Babble keeping me regressed (long)? » whirlpool, posted by pinkeye on May 4, 2005, at 20:00:00
Pinkeye,
Thank you for you message.
I see now how complicated things have become for you because of your relationship with your dad. It must have been very difficult for you while growing up.
I just dropped by here for a few minutes but will write more tomorrow.
Take care,
whirl.
Posted by pinkeye on May 5, 2005, at 15:35:23
In reply to Re: Is Babble keeping me regressed (long)? » pinkeye, posted by whirlpool on May 5, 2005, at 15:21:16
Thanks for the warm words Whirlpool.
I am in a meeting as well.. don't have too much privacy. Won't have all day today.
I could have told my ex T little bit of these stuff. But I think he also didn't believe too much into regressing into childhood, and I wouldn't have admitted anything to him anyway. I felt way too embarrassed. Even with my current T it took her several months of probing again and again till I finally admitted some of the things to her. But now I don't feel that ashamed.
Look forward to seeying you around here.
((Whirlpool))
Pinkeye.
This is the end of the thread.
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