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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by pinkeye on April 28, 2005, at 17:15:42
Thinking back, I am just able to visualize how good it would have been - to have a normal childhood, a loving father with appropriate kindness and strictness, and an emotionally and mentally equally powerful mother, and to have seen a happy relationship between them. And I could have had every year of my life spent in the way I should have spent.. been a 9 year old at 9, a 10 year old at 10, and grew slowly at my own pace - without fear and pain and guilt and assuming responsibilities way above my age, and having to fulfill the needs of my father, and carrying it around with me.
If my fahter had little more sense - just a little bit more, everything would have been so well done. My mother was a beautiful lady, and she was very affectionate and warm, and both my parents came from rich family. My fahter was a doctor, and was well respected in the society.. and they had lots of relatives and friends around and he spoilt everything. He stopped practicing, and got all these weird ideas about being an atheist and being a rebel etc etc.. And I was a beautiful girl in my childhood. I just wish that I could go back and put a little more sense to my father at that time.
Posted by pinkeye on April 28, 2005, at 17:23:51
In reply to It could have been such a good life, posted by pinkeye on April 28, 2005, at 17:15:42
I feel like asking my father - "You had everything in life - why did you make a mess out of it?"
Posted by pinkeye on April 28, 2005, at 17:47:25
In reply to Re: It could have been such a good life, posted by pinkeye on April 28, 2005, at 17:23:51
taking your time..is always such a good way to grow. Our emotions are meant for that kind of growth. It never works when you are forced to grow.
Posted by Shortelise on April 29, 2005, at 0:09:27
In reply to It could have been such a good life, posted by pinkeye on April 28, 2005, at 17:15:42
Pinkeye, I am so so sorry. I wish so much for you that it had been different.
(((Pinkeye)))
Posted by Tamar on April 29, 2005, at 12:37:01
In reply to It could have been such a good life, posted by pinkeye on April 28, 2005, at 17:15:42
Posted by Dinah on April 29, 2005, at 13:01:09
In reply to (((((pinkeye))))) (nm) » pinkeye, posted by Tamar on April 29, 2005, at 12:37:01
Yes, it could have been so different.
The good side of that is that it still can be so different. You're working on that by going to therapy, sorting out your values and what you want in life, being aware of what drives you rather than just reacting.
We're all shaped by our pasts, and they will always be a part of who we are and how we respond. But if we didn't believe that we could be oh so much more than our pasts, we wouldn't invest time and energy in therapy.
I'm sorry for you that your father made the choices he did. I'm sorry for your father and mother as well. I'm sorry you had to grow up too soon and not appropriately. (((pinkeye)))
But I have confidence in you, that whatever decisions you make, you will make them with enough self awareness that they will truly be your decisions, and you will truly carve your own destiny.
Posted by pinkeye on April 29, 2005, at 13:16:49
In reply to Re: It could have been such a good life » pinkeye, posted by Shortelise on April 29, 2005, at 0:09:27
Thank you ShortE. Hugs.
Pinkeye
Posted by pinkeye on April 29, 2005, at 13:17:25
In reply to (((((pinkeye))))) (nm) » pinkeye, posted by Tamar on April 29, 2005, at 12:37:01
Thanks Tamar. I needed the hugs.
Posted by pinkeye on April 29, 2005, at 13:23:28
In reply to Re: (((((pinkeye))))), posted by Dinah on April 29, 2005, at 13:01:09
Thanks Dinah.
I understand what you are saying. My life wasn't quite that bad, and I always thought I had no right to complain, when so many others around me was suffering more.But only now I am realizing, that I can just simply acknowledge whatever difficulty I had instead of whining and complaining. Acknowledging it is really needed to let go of it. Otherwise, in the pretext of just going on with my life, I was covering things up, and it was not working.
All these years, I was just getting so attached to my T, wishing he would tell me he loved me, confusing my own expectations for him - wanting him to be a father, wanting him to be a husband some other times, and getting myself really hurt. Now I have realized that almost all of it is what I wanted from my dad - to be a nice, gentle and affectionate and firm person, without expecting me to be an emotional wife and companion. And I wanted my fahter to tell me that he loved me - not because I fulfilled his expectations, but just because I was a good kid. And I had a right to life and love, not because I was studying well, and talking with him like a peer. I badly wanted him to acknowledge that he asked much more of me, than what I was capable of giving, and that caused me so much of pain.
I was just projecting all these needs onto my ex T. In a way, I am glad he didn't finally say he loved me ( as a person , if not as a woman ), because that really opened up this whole range of discussion with my new T, and it led to lot of discovery.
Posted by Dinah on April 29, 2005, at 13:28:54
In reply to Re: (((((pinkeye))))) (little long) » Dinah, posted by pinkeye on April 29, 2005, at 13:23:28
Absolutely I agree. It would be impossible for me to move past old pains without first acknowledging them. That isn't whining or complaining at all. It's grieving. And you have every right to grieve.
Posted by JenStar on April 29, 2005, at 13:37:58
In reply to It could have been such a good life, posted by pinkeye on April 28, 2005, at 17:15:42
hi Pinkeye,
I'm sorry that you didn't have the childhood you wanted. I wish it could have been otherwise for you.I really feel empathy for you reading all your posts. It sounds like you're in a difficult situation right now, and that you're doing the best you can to make emotional growth & stay strong. I admire your strength! :)
In a past post, you mentioned having to go back to your country (I think India, right?) Would it be AT ALL possible for you to stay here? What would happen if you DID stay? Could you find work? Would you have decent finances? Friends? A place to live? Would you be happy?
I wish you the best. Take care!
JenStar
Posted by pinkeye on April 29, 2005, at 13:47:10
In reply to Re: It could have been such a good life » pinkeye, posted by JenStar on April 29, 2005, at 13:37:58
Thanks JenStar.
I am actually ok now. I think I am making peace with things. Slowly at my own pace this time, instead of what I always used to do - tried to force myself to accept things.
Yes, most likely I have to go back to India. My husband has become open to the suggestion of going back for a year and come back later.
And I think that might be a reasonalbe compromise.
I do have a good job right now. Finances are also ok right now. I do have friends, not too many, but a few. There are still issues to be worked out about going back to my country, and how to come back etc. And it is a major stressor. Thanks for the support.
Posted by JenStar on April 29, 2005, at 13:57:33
In reply to Re: It could have been such a good life » JenStar, posted by pinkeye on April 29, 2005, at 13:47:10
I was thinking about another post of yours, when you were feeling more down. It was about friends & how they don't care. I'm glad to see that you're feeling more confident about that now - you realize they DO care.
Honestly, you see like a very interesting, lively and fun person. Very smart too.
I think it's hard to make friends, even for people who are lively & fun & smart,especially as an adult. We're all so busy with work & life and family, and also so guarded. It's hard to "break in" and start becoming really good friends with another adult. Or maybe that's just MY problem, and it's not a problem for anyone else! I have several excellent friends that I love dearly. But I haven't made a dear NEW friend in quite a while...
Anyway, I know I don't know you that well, but I'd like to consider you my "babble friend" if that's OK.
take care!
JenStar
Posted by pinkeye on April 29, 2005, at 14:28:21
In reply to Re: It could have been such a good life » pinkeye, posted by JenStar on April 29, 2005, at 13:57:33
Thanks JenStar. I would love to be your babble friend as well.
I haven't made any real world friends so much in the past few years here as well. I also have to adjust to cultural differences, and know the latest stuff going on here to be able to talk to people in the US. So in real world, I tend to typically hang out with Indians, because there are just more things I can talk about with them. Even in my work, I am very friendly with many Indians. But with other cultures, I just don't know what to talk about many times. That is the problem with immgiration and a new culture.I have made so many good friends in babble from all the countries, that is just not possible in real life. Where will I meet Susan from Canada, Alexandra from New Zealand, and bunch of you guys from west coast, middle, east coast?
Posted by gardenergirl on May 3, 2005, at 0:11:07
In reply to It could have been such a good life, posted by pinkeye on April 28, 2005, at 17:15:42
Your post really resonated with me. Just last week, I think I was grieving over the inability to go back and make things they way they are "supposed to be." It's so darned hard and sad to come to the realization that certain things were missing or not good, they affected you, and you can't get a re-do.
I do think that we have to and have the right to grieve that loss/void. And I think that must be a step towards moving on and healing. It's gotta be, because all that pain has to be good for something, right?
(((((pinkeye)))))
gg
Posted by annierose on May 3, 2005, at 6:30:04
In reply to Re: It could have been such a good life » pinkeye, posted by gardenergirl on May 3, 2005, at 0:11:07
My T would say, that the pain is a part of who we are. That is has shaped us. We need to acknowledge that it's there, and understand it.
We are probably more caring and sensitive to other people's pain because we experienced it too.
Posted by Dinah on May 3, 2005, at 8:12:36
In reply to Re: It could have been such a good life » gardenergirl, posted by annierose on May 3, 2005, at 6:30:04
That reminds me of Star Trek V was it? With Spock's brother.
I always thought Captain Kirk was right.
Posted by annierose on May 3, 2005, at 12:30:25
In reply to Re: It could have been such a good life » annierose, posted by Dinah on May 3, 2005, at 8:12:36
This is the end of the thread.
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