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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Tamar on March 17, 2005, at 13:30:40
I'm seeing my T for the very last time tomorrow. I can't quite believe it, but I think I'm as ready as I'll ever be.
I know he'll make me feel safe during the session, but I'm afraid I'll come out and fall apart two hours later.
Also, I'm a bit afraid of what I'll end up saying. I'm guessing we'll review the progress I've made over the time I've been seeing him, and that will be fine. However, I've had very strong feelings towards him that I've never talked to him about, and I don't want to find myself blurting it out ten minutes from the end of the final session! I'm worried about how I'll be able to respond if we talk about how I'm going to miss him. Normally I have iron self control (I really *really* hate rejection so it was easy enough to keep my feelings to myself before). But in the heat of the moment I may lose it. Any suggestions on how to keep it together?
Tamar
Posted by pinkeye on March 17, 2005, at 13:38:49
In reply to Final session tomorrow, posted by Tamar on March 17, 2005, at 13:30:40
Why don't you tell him how you feel about him?
Posted by annierose on March 17, 2005, at 14:14:17
In reply to Re: Final session tomorrow » Tamar, posted by pinkeye on March 17, 2005, at 13:38:49
My feelings exactly. That would have been an important discussion to have.
Good Luck. I hope my last session is years away. As long as she is practicing, I would love to have her support at my side.
It's okay not to be brave. It's a HARD thing to imagine.
Posted by Augustina on March 17, 2005, at 14:36:02
In reply to Final session tomorrow, posted by Tamar on March 17, 2005, at 13:30:40
Maybe you can give him a little summary about all the things you appreciate about him. I think it would be great to let him that you will indeed miss him too--I'm sure he will appreciate your words, especially knowing they're coming from your heart.
How long were you in therapy for?I too have feelings for my T that I have yet to reveal to him and don't know if I ever will.
Let us know how it goes and good luck to you!
-A.
Posted by Tamar on March 17, 2005, at 16:35:25
In reply to Final session tomorrow, posted by Tamar on March 17, 2005, at 13:30:40
Thanks for all the support, everyone.
I'm afraid to tell him how I feel about him. I can tell him he's been very important to me and that he means a lot to me and that I’ll miss him. But that's barely scratching the surface. If I really told him how I feel about him I'd have to tell him about the intense longing for him between sessions, the sexual desire, the wish that he'd think I'm special.
I know it’s transference. But in all the stuff I’ve read about transference I’ve seen nothing that takes adequate account of the intense and painful experience that transference can be for a client. Unless he’s experienced it himself (and I don’t know if he has) he can’t possibly understand. I don’t want to tell him unless he can understand. As it’s short term therapy (I’ve only been in therapy for a few months), I decided it was too big a risk to tell him in case everything went horribly wrong. I desperately wanted to feel better and I didn’t want to take any risks that might make me feel worse.
I hate that my feelings could be so easily dismissed as a clinical symptom that can be diagnosed and interpreted and recorded. I know that’s kind of the point of telling him, but I feel it’s too personal, even though it’s nothing compared to some of the things I’ve told him.
And if I tell him, he’d have to tell me that we can’t have anything more than a therapeutic relationship. I know this rationally, but I don’t think I can bear to hear him say it. Hearing the words would feel like a rejection to me.
I’m pretty sure I understand the nature of the transference and why it happened the way it did: the reasons why there’s a sexual element in it and so on. Understanding it has made it much easier to handle. It’s helped me cope with so many things. And I know if I’d told him how I feel it might have made things even better – but only if he’d handled it well. He probably would handle it well, but I don’t know that with absolute certainty.
And that’s why I don’t want to blurt it out in the final session. If he handles it well we won’t have the opportunity to discuss it, and if it makes him feel uncomfortable it will simply make my last session very painful for me.
Posted by pinkeye on March 17, 2005, at 18:47:09
In reply to Re: Final session tomorrow, posted by Tamar on March 17, 2005, at 16:35:25
I can so much related to your post. It was exactly my feeling a while back.
I ended up telling him anyway, in what was supposed to be my last visit (that was nearly a year and few months back). And he did handle it well, but then he allowed me to see him for a few more visits after I told him. And that helped. And he had been providing me email support for nearly a year after that (not specifically regarding transference, but with other issues in my life which kind of made it difficult for me).
But all along the feelings didn't really go away by telling him. I was perhaps better able to handle it, but not able to work through it with him and emerge without having the feelings. I guess that was the point of therapy though. But I was not able to do it with him. Subsequently, I am now going to a new therapist now, and she is actually able to help me - she tells me how I perceived my ex T almost like a father and how I have been conflicted between a husband figure and a father figure all these years. (because I had a very emotional relationship with my father, and she thinks it got me confused little bit - so I ended up keep getting attracted to someone who is like a father/authority figure but who is at the same time romantically unavailable to me - just like my father was). I believe some of it is atleast true - the part about liking an authority figure. And slowly I am able to accept what I felt for my therapist was perhaps some sort of transference plus some amount of genuine liking(even though I also hate to be analysed and being branded about my feelings).
But once my new therapist pointed it to me that I was only trying to recreate a relationship I had with my father, and that I am trying to satisfy that emotional need with someone who is more acceptable to me (men of my age) and at the same time unavailable to (already married etc), the feelings have started subsiding a whole lot. Atleast all that painful part of it. Now I kind of like him - but there are no longer intense longings or wishing to have a relationship or anything. I am fine with the way things are, sometimes amused even and able to let go. Sometimes the old feelings come back, but it doesn't hurt me that much.
Hope that helped. I still think you should tell him and for all you know, he might have a very surprising insight which might help you heal more. Even if he doesn't, the pain of never telling a person is always more than the pain of telling a person - especially if it is someone you really like. I really think, letting know of someone what you feel is the first step in getting that feeling away from bothering you in the long run, even though in the short run, it might cause a little more trouble. And I have to say, because I told my ex T all this and he helped me, my relationship with my husband is much better today. IF I had not told it and had not received help and support, I wouldn't have been able to develop a meaningful relationship with my husband. In a way my feelings towards my tehrapist actually helped me develop the same kind of feelings (more meaningful compared to the superficial feelings I had before) with my husband now. It kind of served as a role model or something like that.
Posted by daisym on March 17, 2005, at 20:20:25
In reply to Final session tomorrow, posted by Tamar on March 17, 2005, at 13:30:40
I had this conversation with my therapist today. About caring about him and thinking I need to keep those feelings a secret. (Now, my feelings aren't romantic, but instead very maternal.) He said he didn't think they should be a secret, that it not only OK, but nice to hear. He said one more time how the therapy relationship is a strange one, with different rules and constraints but no less real. And that if he cares about me, which he does, why would it be not OK for me to care about him?
So instead of thinking of it as keeping it together, perhaps think of it as something to say good-bye with. Tell him how much you care, what a difference he's made for you and how much you are going to miss him, even as ready as you feel. I think if it is offered up this way, without expectations, just an honest sharing from the heart, it will be well received.
I hope it goes well. Let us know.
Daisy
Posted by pinkeye on March 17, 2005, at 21:24:09
In reply to Re: Final session tomorrow, posted by Tamar on March 17, 2005, at 16:35:25
But you know what, I thought about it again and if it is definitely going to be the last session, and you are sure you are not going to be able to see him again, maybe just mild hinting on it and not dwelving deep might help.
If you completely bare your heart and he doesn't reciproacate (as I am 100 % sure he wouldn't), it will definitely hurt. At best he will say it is a common thing and that he appreciates your honesty and he likes your liking. But he would never reciproacate it. Any unrecquited liking and love hurts. So if you are not prepared for that, it might be wise to just say it mildly and not go too much into it. Maybe much later, when the feelings die down, you can send him a short note at that time. If you think you are still deeply involved, then telling him and not being able to contact him again might end up being miserable.
Posted by Dinah on March 17, 2005, at 21:49:45
In reply to Re: Final session tomorrow, posted by Tamar on March 17, 2005, at 16:35:25
I can certainly understand your desire not to muddy the last session with a whole new issue. One that would probably take weeks or months to discuss.
I suppose there are some things that we go through life holding close to our hearts, knowing that that's the only place they can survive. It can be a sweet memory, or a dash of spice when you need it.
But I think telling him the other things he's meant to you, and all you've learned from him, is a lovely gesture. Therapists put a lot of themselves in their work, and I'm sure they like to get positive feedback from time to time.
Posted by Augustina on March 18, 2005, at 15:30:15
In reply to Final session tomorrow, posted by Tamar on March 17, 2005, at 13:30:40
Tamar,
I hope everything went well for you and your last session w/your T.
-A.
Posted by Dinah on March 18, 2005, at 22:28:42
In reply to Final session tomorrow, posted by Tamar on March 17, 2005, at 13:30:40
Posted by Tamar on March 20, 2005, at 17:51:39
In reply to Final session tomorrow, posted by Tamar on March 17, 2005, at 13:30:40
Thanks so much everyone for all the helpful things you said.
I couldn’t face posting Friday or Saturday… I was just too sad. Friday evening I watched a comedy movie on DVD and I bawled like a baby all the way through… I’m such a case!
I was glad people encouraged me to tell him at least a little of what I was feeling. I did that, and it paid off. I told him I would miss him, and that I felt sad and a bit rejected. He was really great about it. He indicated that he understood why I was feeling so sad and he made it clear that I could come back sometime in the future if I need to. I’ve always hoped for his friendship, and I’ve always known it wasn’t possible, but knowing he’ll be there in the future if I need him as a T helps a lot.
Thanks so much for your support, everyone. It really means a lot to me.
Tamar
Posted by gardenergirl on March 20, 2005, at 22:28:52
In reply to Re: Final session tomorrow, posted by Tamar on March 20, 2005, at 17:51:39
Tamar,
Sorry I didn't get to post earlier. Congrats for making it through. It's perfectly understandable how this would be sad and difficult. I'm glad you shared your feelings with your T and he responded well. And I'm glad you are recognizing that you need to grieve. It will get better in time.Take extra gentle care,
gg
Posted by Shortelise on March 20, 2005, at 23:35:57
In reply to Re: Final session tomorrow, posted by Tamar on March 20, 2005, at 17:51:39
Posted by Dinah on March 21, 2005, at 9:56:26
In reply to Re: Final session tomorrow, posted by Tamar on March 20, 2005, at 17:51:39
This is the end of the thread.
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