Posted by pinkeye on March 17, 2005, at 18:47:09
In reply to Re: Final session tomorrow, posted by Tamar on March 17, 2005, at 16:35:25
I can so much related to your post. It was exactly my feeling a while back.
I ended up telling him anyway, in what was supposed to be my last visit (that was nearly a year and few months back). And he did handle it well, but then he allowed me to see him for a few more visits after I told him. And that helped. And he had been providing me email support for nearly a year after that (not specifically regarding transference, but with other issues in my life which kind of made it difficult for me).
But all along the feelings didn't really go away by telling him. I was perhaps better able to handle it, but not able to work through it with him and emerge without having the feelings. I guess that was the point of therapy though. But I was not able to do it with him. Subsequently, I am now going to a new therapist now, and she is actually able to help me - she tells me how I perceived my ex T almost like a father and how I have been conflicted between a husband figure and a father figure all these years. (because I had a very emotional relationship with my father, and she thinks it got me confused little bit - so I ended up keep getting attracted to someone who is like a father/authority figure but who is at the same time romantically unavailable to me - just like my father was). I believe some of it is atleast true - the part about liking an authority figure. And slowly I am able to accept what I felt for my therapist was perhaps some sort of transference plus some amount of genuine liking(even though I also hate to be analysed and being branded about my feelings).
But once my new therapist pointed it to me that I was only trying to recreate a relationship I had with my father, and that I am trying to satisfy that emotional need with someone who is more acceptable to me (men of my age) and at the same time unavailable to (already married etc), the feelings have started subsiding a whole lot. Atleast all that painful part of it. Now I kind of like him - but there are no longer intense longings or wishing to have a relationship or anything. I am fine with the way things are, sometimes amused even and able to let go. Sometimes the old feelings come back, but it doesn't hurt me that much.
Hope that helped. I still think you should tell him and for all you know, he might have a very surprising insight which might help you heal more. Even if he doesn't, the pain of never telling a person is always more than the pain of telling a person - especially if it is someone you really like. I really think, letting know of someone what you feel is the first step in getting that feeling away from bothering you in the long run, even though in the short run, it might cause a little more trouble. And I have to say, because I told my ex T all this and he helped me, my relationship with my husband is much better today. IF I had not told it and had not received help and support, I wouldn't have been able to develop a meaningful relationship with my husband. In a way my feelings towards my tehrapist actually helped me develop the same kind of feelings (more meaningful compared to the superficial feelings I had before) with my husband now. It kind of served as a role model or something like that.
poster:pinkeye
thread:472081
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050315/msgs/472224.html