Posted by Tamar on March 17, 2005, at 16:35:25
In reply to Final session tomorrow, posted by Tamar on March 17, 2005, at 13:30:40
Thanks for all the support, everyone.
I'm afraid to tell him how I feel about him. I can tell him he's been very important to me and that he means a lot to me and that I’ll miss him. But that's barely scratching the surface. If I really told him how I feel about him I'd have to tell him about the intense longing for him between sessions, the sexual desire, the wish that he'd think I'm special.
I know it’s transference. But in all the stuff I’ve read about transference I’ve seen nothing that takes adequate account of the intense and painful experience that transference can be for a client. Unless he’s experienced it himself (and I don’t know if he has) he can’t possibly understand. I don’t want to tell him unless he can understand. As it’s short term therapy (I’ve only been in therapy for a few months), I decided it was too big a risk to tell him in case everything went horribly wrong. I desperately wanted to feel better and I didn’t want to take any risks that might make me feel worse.
I hate that my feelings could be so easily dismissed as a clinical symptom that can be diagnosed and interpreted and recorded. I know that’s kind of the point of telling him, but I feel it’s too personal, even though it’s nothing compared to some of the things I’ve told him.
And if I tell him, he’d have to tell me that we can’t have anything more than a therapeutic relationship. I know this rationally, but I don’t think I can bear to hear him say it. Hearing the words would feel like a rejection to me.
I’m pretty sure I understand the nature of the transference and why it happened the way it did: the reasons why there’s a sexual element in it and so on. Understanding it has made it much easier to handle. It’s helped me cope with so many things. And I know if I’d told him how I feel it might have made things even better – but only if he’d handled it well. He probably would handle it well, but I don’t know that with absolute certainty.
And that’s why I don’t want to blurt it out in the final session. If he handles it well we won’t have the opportunity to discuss it, and if it makes him feel uncomfortable it will simply make my last session very painful for me.
poster:Tamar
thread:472081
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050315/msgs/472179.html