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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by daisym on March 4, 2005, at 2:18:05
I terrified of losing my therapist. I'm convinced that eventually I will do something to make him decide that he can't be my therapist any longer. This is not new. I'm even pretty sure that I know *why* I'm afraid - those familiar abandonment issues are alive and well. I've got full-blown manifestations of an attachment disorder and I'm in the throes of a painful (VERY PAINFUL!!!!) separation anxiety phase. I've been struggling with having any pride and dignity around this (the adult me) and telling him exactly how hard it is to leave a session and how much I miss him in between (the kid me). Mix in with all of this that I'm telling him about abuse episodes in detail, graphic detail, and falling apart all over the place.
*sigh*
I'm now telling myself that it isn't the stories that will drive him away, though I do worry about that. I find that I worry that he will begin to feel bad for me, and become defensive about not meeting all of my needs. And, upon realizing he is defensive, will decide that I need someone else. I worry that if I tell him honestly how much I miss him, he will decide that this is bad and he needs to find away to make me not miss him. I guess I'm worrying that he will eventually feel so bad about all the pain I'm in that he will want to escape the ever present doom and gloom that seems to surround me. I tend to do this, I try so hard to never make anyone feel the slightest twinge of embarrassment, guilt or negative feelings; I've even been known to let people call me by the wrong name instead of correcting them. And I know it sounds so very egotistical to think my situation is enough to cause distress for my therapist. But still...doesn't everyone want to get away from someone who makes them feel bad?
Pride has lost out the past two days and I've been pretty honest about how difficult it is for me to leave and how much I miss him, especially in the middle of the night. I told him I even had out the picture he gave me last summer, though I felt silly. He said he was glad I had it, and it wasn't silly. And he knew how really hard it was right now. But he also said that eventually I would see the value of the time in between sessions, as I learn that I can know all of this and still hold it together for a while. And he reminded me that even when he wasn't with me, he was still with me. (I cried that this wasn't enough right now...) He tells me to call him and I have but still... It adds to the overall fear of being "too much, too needy, too hard and too clingy."
I don't want to be all these things. I want to push the emotional-off switch as I leave his office, but someone broke mine. I want to hold this neediness myself and not tell him how I feel about this, but I can't seem to do that either. I think I feel him pushing me ever so gently away from him a little, but then again, I'm looking for signs of this, expecting it to come at any minute.
God, I hate this. I feel so alone and like such a pain in the a**
Posted by messadivoce on March 4, 2005, at 2:43:36
In reply to An old fear for a new reason, posted by daisym on March 4, 2005, at 2:18:05
Daisy, I'm glad you're awake with me tonight. I'm in good company.
My old T said something to me once that stuck. He said, "Your emotions don't overwhelm me. *They just are*."
Maybe that is how your T thinks of your feelings. They just are.
Damage has been done. Pain has been inflicted on you by people who were supposed to take care of you. You can't change that. He can't change that. But he is here with you now, trying to prove to you that people who love you will not always hurt you.
Once I told my old T that probably no one would ever hear the things I told him. He said to me, "That's why it's such an honor".
I think your T is honored to share your pain. I think he is glad to be there with you instead of you being alone in it, completely.
I hope this helps. If not, then forgive me. I don't want to prentend I know what you're going through. Hugs to you, if that's okay.
Voce
Posted by Speaker on March 4, 2005, at 6:49:19
In reply to Re: An old fear for a new reason » daisym, posted by messadivoce on March 4, 2005, at 2:43:36
Daisy,
I'm sorry this is such a difficult time for you. When I share these things with my T he tells me that it is "normal" and of course I want to be above normal so it ticks me off...but I'm sure it is part of the process.
My old T would tell me that a little fear of today brings up a lot of fear from the past. When I feel the fear of being alone in this stuff my T says why wouldn't I as I truely was alone in it as a kid and I had to hold that fear.
I'm sure I'm not saying anything new to you but I want you to know it's OK to feel the way you do...even though it sucks. Please try to give yourself the grace you so easily give others. Be kind to yourself and hang onto the leg of your T as long as you need to.
Marie
Posted by Dinah on March 4, 2005, at 11:42:12
In reply to An old fear for a new reason, posted by daisym on March 4, 2005, at 2:18:05
Daisy, I was afraid to express the depth of my need for my therapist for fear the very fact that I felt dependent would mean that therapy with him was bad for me. But it didn't mean that. Eventually, my therapist accepted me as I was. Your therapist started out where my therapist ended. He accepts you as you are today. And he will accept you as you are wherever you are.
Posted by Daisym on March 4, 2005, at 21:15:15
In reply to Re: An old fear for a new reason » daisym, posted by messadivoce on March 4, 2005, at 2:43:36
Daisy, I'm glad you're awake with me tonight. I'm in good company.
***I wish I had caught you in Open. Last night was a LONG night.My old T said something to me once that stuck. He said, "Your emotions don't overwhelm me. *They just are*."
Maybe that is how your T thinks of your feelings. They just are.
***I really like that. Mine tells me that I can't control his emotions and that it is OK that I can impose reality or makes sense of something. He often says, "feelings are what they are." I tell him I hate that.Damage has been done. Pain has been inflicted on you by people who were supposed to take care of you. You can't change that. He can't change that. But he is here with you now, trying to prove to you that people who love you will not always hurt you.
****It's hard to know that he can't change what happened. I want him to. I want him to wave his magic wand and make it all better. I want him to make it all go away. But I'm glad he is willing to go through this with me. I just can't do it alone. One of the most healing things he ever said to me was that if he had known me when I was a child he would have told. And then he would have been around to pick up the pieces. It cemented the trust of the younger parts of me.Once I told my old T that probably no one would ever hear the things I told him. He said to me, "That's why it's such an honor".
I think your T is honored to share your pain. I think he is glad to be there with you instead of you being alone in it, completely.
****I don't know about honored. But he keeps telling me he is OK with hearing all of this. And when he looks horrified or sad, he explains that what happened *was* horrific or sad...and that it is OK to feel that for someone else. I worry about this still, but I'm learning to accept it.I hope this helps. If not, then forgive me. I don't want to prentend I know what you're going through. Hugs to you, if that's okay.
Voce***Totally helps. I read your post first thing this morning and I shook my head and thought, "someone gets it." I tried to believe everything you said. And, it sounds like you know a lot about what I'm going through. I wish things were easier for you right now. I'm sending a hug back.
(((VOCE)))
Posted by Daisym on March 4, 2005, at 21:28:02
In reply to Re: An old fear for a new reason, posted by Speaker on March 4, 2005, at 6:49:19
I'm sorry this is such a difficult time for you. When I share these things with my T he tells me that it is "normal" and of course I want to be above normal so it ticks me off...but I'm sure it is part of the process.
****I think I'm desperate to compare my experience with someone (everyone) else's. I want this to be NORMAL. I told my therapist today that I'm just shocked at the intensity of my feelings. No One else I know seems to feel the same way I do about therapy and their therapist. It isn't that I've fallen in love with him. He says he knows that. It is a complete maternal attachment that is still in an insecure phase. And he acknowledges that I need to be reassured a million times that he isn't leaving and feeling like this is OK.My old T would tell me that a little fear of today brings up a lot of fear from the past. When I feel the fear of being alone in this stuff my T says why wouldn't I as I truly was alone in it as a kid and I had to hold that fear.
*****right, exactly. I *know* that so many of these feelings are old. They've been frozen and now they are being released, 7-year old stuff in a 43 year old body. Not a pretty sight. I think mostly it comes from what I wanted from my mother and didn't get. She didn't know, didn't stop it, wasn't around. So since he knows, I'm clinging like crazy.I'm sure I'm not saying anything new to you but I want you to know it's OK to feel the way you do...even though it sucks. Please try to give yourself the grace you so easily give others. Be kind to yourself and hang onto the leg of your T as long as you need to.
****That's what he said today! I could cling as long as I needed to. He said he expects it, it is "normal" and he knows it does suck. He also said that he doesn't see it as undignified at all, but as really brave to let myself be so vulnerable to hurt. Of course I immediately asked, "are you going to hurt me...i.e. leave me?" I can see him shaking his head, even on the phone as he says (again) "nope. I'm in it for the long haul."Thanks for the encouragement. I needed it.
(((((Marie))))
Posted by Daisym on March 4, 2005, at 21:40:32
In reply to Re: An old fear for a new reason » daisym, posted by Dinah on March 4, 2005, at 11:42:12
Daisy, I was afraid to express the depth of my need for my therapist for fear the very fact that I felt dependent would mean that therapy with him was bad for me. But it didn't mean that. Eventually, my therapist accepted me as I was. Your therapist started out where my therapist ended. He accepts you as you are today. And he will accept you as you are wherever you are.
****I think I'm afraid of how much I'm expressing. I told him that today. And he was just so great. He let me push and pull and ask and push and pull and ask again. I really really wanted to know if he was getting spooked with how badly I'm hurting between sessions and how awful it is for me to leave each time. He said no, he feels bad that it is so hard for me, but that I set him straight this week about not bringing up medications everytime it gets like this. I told him I just want to TELL him how I felt, not have him do anything about it. He said he gets it. And that I should keep telling him, and keep asking what I need to know. I told him I made a list of all the little ways it feels like he is emotionally stepping back. He said he wants to see the list and go over it with me. That therapists have unconscious' too and he wanted to be sure that what he thought, that he isn't pulling back, matches with what I feel. We agree that I'm probably manufacturing much of these "signs" out of fear.
And he did say straight out, that my dependency wasn't "bad". That I was finally doing what I wanted about therapy and it was stablizing for me to touch base with him often as we go in deeper and deeper. He said this is how he likes to work but most people walk away from therapy before they get to this really deep and vulnerable place that demands this type of commitment from both of us.
He has said all this before, but I needed to hear it today. I NEEDED to ask it over and over and have it answered, not analyzed. I feel so relieved, for the next 5 minutes I can relax. I'm leaving on Monday for a few days, which is feeding the frantic feelings. I appreciate you sharing your experience with me. It helps normalize it all.
((((Dinah))))
Posted by antigua on March 5, 2005, at 10:07:54
In reply to Re: An old fear for a new reason » Dinah, posted by Daisym on March 4, 2005, at 21:40:32
Funny thing, my T mentioned something similar to me the other day. I asked her if I was a "typical" or "normal" csa patient because I wanted to know how bad off I was, or was I just a whiney woman. She wisely stepped around it and didn't answer the question directly, but said the difference between my case and some others was that I was willing to keep going deeper w/her and remain open to the therapy. LIke your T, she says many people stop before they get there.
So lucky us! Being such good patients makes it even harder! (I'm such a people pleaser)
antigua
Posted by Poet on March 5, 2005, at 12:07:08
In reply to An old fear for a new reason, posted by daisym on March 4, 2005, at 2:18:05
Hi Daisy,
I so understand not wanting to be clingly and needy. Everytime I call my T, I think that she won't pick up because caller ID says it's me. Though if she's there she answers right away and always returns messages.
I just think she she wouldn't want to talk to me, but she does. So does your T. Mine told me that my inner children (three at last count) have little voices that want to be heard.
I want to silence those little voices, but deep down I know I can't. Neither can you, no matter how hard you try.
I am a big pain in the a** to my T, too. You are not alone, I'm/we're here. All babblers, not just my messed up inner kids.
Poet
Posted by Aphrodite on March 5, 2005, at 14:35:39
In reply to An old fear for a new reason, posted by daisym on March 4, 2005, at 2:18:05
I was struck what by what you wrote about your T wanting to get away from someone who makes them feel bad. Why do you think you make him feel bad? Helping people like you is obviously his life's work and joy. My T says he never likes to say he's "happy to help" because it may sound invalidating, so he usually says it is his "privilege" to be let in on my pain. I *know* your T feels similarly.
This is the end of the thread.
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