Posted by Daisym on March 4, 2005, at 21:40:32
In reply to Re: An old fear for a new reason » daisym, posted by Dinah on March 4, 2005, at 11:42:12
Daisy, I was afraid to express the depth of my need for my therapist for fear the very fact that I felt dependent would mean that therapy with him was bad for me. But it didn't mean that. Eventually, my therapist accepted me as I was. Your therapist started out where my therapist ended. He accepts you as you are today. And he will accept you as you are wherever you are.
****I think I'm afraid of how much I'm expressing. I told him that today. And he was just so great. He let me push and pull and ask and push and pull and ask again. I really really wanted to know if he was getting spooked with how badly I'm hurting between sessions and how awful it is for me to leave each time. He said no, he feels bad that it is so hard for me, but that I set him straight this week about not bringing up medications everytime it gets like this. I told him I just want to TELL him how I felt, not have him do anything about it. He said he gets it. And that I should keep telling him, and keep asking what I need to know. I told him I made a list of all the little ways it feels like he is emotionally stepping back. He said he wants to see the list and go over it with me. That therapists have unconscious' too and he wanted to be sure that what he thought, that he isn't pulling back, matches with what I feel. We agree that I'm probably manufacturing much of these "signs" out of fear.
And he did say straight out, that my dependency wasn't "bad". That I was finally doing what I wanted about therapy and it was stablizing for me to touch base with him often as we go in deeper and deeper. He said this is how he likes to work but most people walk away from therapy before they get to this really deep and vulnerable place that demands this type of commitment from both of us.
He has said all this before, but I needed to hear it today. I NEEDED to ask it over and over and have it answered, not analyzed. I feel so relieved, for the next 5 minutes I can relax. I'm leaving on Monday for a few days, which is feeding the frantic feelings. I appreciate you sharing your experience with me. It helps normalize it all.
((((Dinah))))
poster:Daisym
thread:466310
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050225/msgs/466723.html