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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by lonelygal on January 10, 2005, at 18:08:01
In reply to Re: i want to die. » lonelygal, posted by fallsfall on January 10, 2005, at 6:59:30
i see what you are saying about trying to find some stuff that you are good at, but i am always furious with myself if i'm not PERFECT at everything. all i see is all that i've messed up. i feel like even if i am good at one small minute thing, that that is rather insignficant, b/c well the majority of me is flawed.. or more like that i have messed up everything.. that i should have been better or known better or acted differently or whatever.
Posted by lonelygal on January 10, 2005, at 18:13:40
In reply to Re: i want to die., posted by Joslynn on January 10, 2005, at 13:11:27
umm i am too scared to go to the er. i dunno what to expect. does anyone know what it is like?
right now i just feel very very numb and too tired to do anything i guess. not like all of last night. i just know that if one more bad thing goes wrong (like an argument on the phone) i'm gonna go back to that state. cuz right now i just really dont' care.
Posted by rainbowbrite on January 10, 2005, at 18:15:07
In reply to Re: i want to die., posted by lonelygal on January 10, 2005, at 18:02:57
I honestly think this person didn't get the message or is extremely busy. Don't take it personlly. but If you don't hear from her tomorrow morning I would call and leave another message emphasizing the importance and urgency of meeting. I don't think you are being needy, I think it is really unfrtunate she didn't call back. Im really sorry, i know the feeling of waiting for that call that never comes and you depend on it. If you are feeling embarrased for needing someone just make a joke and say it right out- Im feeling so needy I really need someone right now. It clears tha air and i have found it helpful b/c people usually then know how to handle the situation.
I hope you are feeling a little better than last night.
rain
Posted by lonelygal on January 10, 2005, at 18:16:24
In reply to Re: i want to die., posted by caraher on January 10, 2005, at 11:11:31
but i feel like i should be able to deal with everything better. that i'm being stupid by caring. i don't want to be in pain. i think my being hurt is my own fault for not being strong.
Posted by rainbowbrite on January 10, 2005, at 18:20:15
In reply to Re: i want to die. » Joslynn, posted by lonelygal on January 10, 2005, at 18:13:40
have you ever been to hospital before as an inpatient?
It is really not that bad going to er. You just go and tell them you are feeling unsafe. they will put you in a private room and you wait for teh doc or shrink to come and they assess you. sometimes it is useful just to go and talk to the doc. I think it is treated sortof separately from the 'medical' patients, like there is a specific nurse and such.
if you feel unsafe you really should go.
thinking about you :)
Posted by lonelygal on January 10, 2005, at 18:26:05
In reply to Re: i want to die. » lonelygal, posted by rainbowbrite on January 10, 2005, at 18:15:07
i guess i should say something like that in a message to her... i just feel dumb b/c i feel like i have sort of lost all faith in her, even if not for a really good reason... and if i asked to meet with her now, like say i really need to see someone, i woudl feel even more dumb and embarassed and mad at myself if i show up and don't talk (which is what i tend to do always when i'm uncomfortable). like i lied and don't need to see her.
and if i'm honest with myself, i am really thinking how could she help me anyways? i want something to change now or i am going to have a very hard time trying to make it. and what can a stranger really do for someone in a 50 minute appointment. i know i'm being very cynical, sorry if i'm offending anyone. i'm just not in a good mood.
Posted by lonelygal on January 10, 2005, at 18:29:24
In reply to Re: i want to die. » lonelygal, posted by rainbowbrite on January 10, 2005, at 18:20:15
nope i have never been.
umm thanks. you and everyone else are being way too nice to me.
> have you ever been to hospital before as an inpatient?
> It is really not that bad going to er. You just go and tell them you are feeling unsafe. they will put you in a private room and you wait for teh doc or shrink to come and they assess you. sometimes it is useful just to go and talk to the doc. I think it is treated sortof separately from the 'medical' patients, like there is a specific nurse and such.
> if you feel unsafe you really should go.
> thinking about you :)
Posted by rainbowbrite on January 10, 2005, at 18:42:51
In reply to Re: i want to die. » rainbowbrite, posted by lonelygal on January 10, 2005, at 18:29:24
no we aren't everyone cares.
i have gone to er twice so things could be differnet than what i described?
Posted by rainbowbrite on January 10, 2005, at 18:46:24
In reply to Re: i want to die. » rainbowbrite, posted by lonelygal on January 10, 2005, at 18:26:05
you could tell her exactly what you posted. They understand they see all sorts of people and personalities. i really hope you leave her a message explaining how bad you are feeling. When you see her just let her know that you are having a hard time verbalizing your feelings, and that you just feel really bad.
i hope this helps
Posted by lonelygal on January 10, 2005, at 22:33:52
In reply to Re: i want to die., posted by anastasia56 on January 9, 2005, at 23:37:23
i thought i had replied to this post, but realized i hadn't...
not asking for change when a clerk screwed up... yeah i do that all the time.. i just say to myself oh well.
they say that my old t isn't liscensed yet, that's why she can't talk to me.. b/c she isn't associated with the clinic anymore cuz she's not a student and not independent either.... not sure i buy it.. but i think i must be super annoying and its in her best interest to stay away anyways. it just really hurts.
> embarrassment isn't a good reason to keep from talking to someone. embarrasment has kept me from asking for the change a clerk shorted me, or other things that were rightfully mine...and now when i look back on all the times i was shortchanged because i was too embarrased, well you see what i mean. Of all things, you have a right to ask for help and not be embarrassed.
>
> as far as you being a mean person not deserving of help. Nope. I really don't like people that much and time and time again they come out of the woodwork to help me when i need it. So if a non-deserving person like me gets help, you have a right to that too. Think of all the people out there taking up a decent therapists time when it could be you.
>
> this therapist you really liked. What happened to her when she graduated? did she open her own practice? Is she around there anywhere? She probably has a phone and if she knew you just needed her to help you over a rough period and not get married or anything she might help you. What do you have to lose? All she can do is say no and let's face it you can't feel much worse than you do now.
Posted by lonelygal on January 10, 2005, at 22:38:46
In reply to Re: i want to die. » lonelygal, posted by rainbowbrite on January 10, 2005, at 18:46:24
earlier i thought i would try to call again, but now i'm just so mad again at my old t's leaving that i dont want to start anything new and i dont have faith in anything helping anyways... i think i am really just mentally messed up and that it's bad for me to ask her for help.
i appreciate your posting to me though.
> you could tell her exactly what you posted. They understand they see all sorts of people and personalities. i really hope you leave her a message explaining how bad you are feeling. When you see her just let her know that you are having a hard time verbalizing your feelings, and that you just feel really bad.
> i hope this helps
Posted by shrinking violet on January 11, 2005, at 16:12:58
In reply to Re: i want to die. » rainbowbrite, posted by lonelygal on January 10, 2005, at 22:38:46
Having similar feelings as you today, for some unknown reason (ironically, was feeling much better last week; today i'm down again), so I'm sorry I can't offer much in the way of constructive advice. Just try to take care of yourself and stay safe. Email me if you need to, and I'll be on AIM.
Hugs to you.sv
Posted by judy1 on January 11, 2005, at 17:59:17
In reply to Re: i want to die. » rainbowbrite, posted by lonelygal on January 10, 2005, at 22:38:46
just hoping you had a better day today. were you able to get some help from a therp? it IS difficult to lose a therp, and anyone would need a new one to help handle the grief.
take care, judy
Posted by lonelygal on January 11, 2005, at 19:46:33
In reply to how are you feeling today? » lonelygal, posted by judy1 on January 11, 2005, at 17:59:17
i called new one again and left a message and she hasn't called. i'm giving up.
i went to work today and am tryign to ignore everything that i feel although it's hard. thanks for asking though.
> just hoping you had a better day today. were you able to get some help from a therp? it IS difficult to lose a therp, and anyone would need a new one to help handle the grief.
> take care, judy
Posted by CareBear04 on January 12, 2005, at 3:49:06
In reply to i want to die., posted by lonelygal on January 9, 2005, at 19:45:24
hey lonelygal-- i didn't read all the responses to your post, but obviously you are valued and cared about, whether or not you can feel it and internalize it.
if you can bring yourself to do it, please do reach out to someone real in your life, someone who can be with you or really talk to you. twice before, i haven't done this. my first suicide attempt happened really impulsively, and i felt like i couldn't control it. i was drug-induced psychotic, having paranoid delusions and hallucinations. my ending up in the hospital surprised everyone in my life because i always wore a smile, i always looked put together, i took care of other people. i didn't know or care if anyone would care about what happened to me or not, and i was really touched by how many close friends stuck by me and sat with me through those horrible weeks of the hospital.
the second time was more complex. this was a deliberate decision and plan to kill myself, and it was pretty lethal and nearly worked. right before i did it, two of my best friends sat with me in my room after we got back from a birthday party, and i never said a word about my plans. they left, telling me how much better i looked. i chatted with my suitemate for awhile and then locked myself in my room. a few weeks before, the psychiatrist who was, by default, in charge of my care, asked me to please let someone know if i got in a bad place-- someone who could help. i was feeling so bad that i took that to mean that he wanted that someone to be anyone but him, so i did reach out to everyone i could to try to find a long-term dr, to try to hang on, but i came away empty-handed. i think i should've gone to the people who know me well and cared-- my best friends and that pdoc. i didn't because i felt so awful and worthless and didn't want to burden them, thinking that they had much more important things to do than deal with me. this time, when i was in the hospital, it almost cost me one of the best friends around. he was so pissed and felt confused and betrayed and helpless, mad at me for doing it and madder that i let him leave me that night without letting him know where i was at. the pdoc was also super-conflicted. i thought at the time that his response was unprofessional and uncalled for, that a pdoc must, in the course of his career, have to deal with suicides and suicide attempts. i don't know if this is true for him, but i know now that he wouldn't have given me such a hard time and have been such a jerk if i hadn't rattled him so bad because he did care.
recently, i had a fast downward spiral and, within a week, i was sitting in my room with grams of drugs that are prescribed in 0.5 or 1mg, trying to think of the most lethal combinations without ready antidotes. a close friend called, and talked to me while i was hysterical, and she said the right words that motivated me to get help: "just the fact that you're talking to me, that you're on the phone with me... that's a really good sign. the other two times, i sat with you, and you never let on that you felt so bad. this means that you want to live and you can still help yourself!" and it was true. just talking to her was the first step, and knowing that she was drained and overworked and still talking to me in the middle of the night, that she did care and so did others, made a big difference.
i can't say that there's one sure way to feel better or to get help. the hospital/ER doesn't work for everyone, but please also don't feel like you need to do something serious to hurt yourself before you can get treated. in the short-term, i know they would rather keep you safe even if they don't fix you up all the way. i'm sorry your T left you as she did. i've seen maybe half a dozen myself in two years, and it really sucks to be hung out to dry and to have to connect all over with someone new. if you can, i really recommend letting someone in your life know what's going on. if you survive an attempt on your life (and i hope to God that you won't hurt yourself), you're often left with a lot of guilt for the impact your action has on other people. i can't guarantee that reaching out to a friend or someone else will be a cure, but at least you'll know that you tried. and what i've learned about doctors recently also applies to friends-- if one can't help you, that doesn't mean that no one can. in the case of drs or Ts, look at that person and say, "ok, if you can't help me, please point me in the direction of someone who can." because that person exists, lonelygal! please believe me and give it a try. i know the feeling that no one cares and that you're worthless, but i know-- just on this board alone!-- that people do care about you and are out there willing to help. please give it a try.
thinking about you and sending you a hug,
cb
Posted by judy1 on January 12, 2005, at 11:57:20
In reply to Re: how are you feeling today?, posted by lonelygal on January 11, 2005, at 19:46:33
do you have insurance? if so, is that how you get the names of therps? if a therp doesn't call you back within 24-48 hours, then a call to your insurance provider is definitely indicated. another option is to go through your primary physician, get an appt. with him/her and be honest about your mental state- they can often get you help immediately.
take care, judy
Posted by rainbowbrite on January 12, 2005, at 12:20:12
In reply to Re: how are you feeling today?, posted by lonelygal on January 11, 2005, at 19:46:33
Im sorry she didn't call back.
Are you doing alright? Ive been thinking about you.
Posted by lonelygal on January 12, 2005, at 14:47:23
In reply to Re: how are you feeling today? » lonelygal, posted by rainbowbrite on January 12, 2005, at 12:20:12
she called back today and left a message saying the center was still closed for break...
i went to work today for a little while, but i'm just out of it.
> Im sorry she didn't call back.
> Are you doing alright? Ive been thinking about you.
Posted by lonelygal on January 12, 2005, at 15:03:42
In reply to Re: i want to die. » lonelygal, posted by CareBear04 on January 12, 2005, at 3:49:06
thanks so much for sharing all that you did with me. i'm really sorry that you have been through all that you have too. i am trying to reach out to a therapist, but i'm too scared to let any of my friends in real life know how badly everything feels. i just would be way too embarassed and i'm too scared to be honest and i don't want to be judged or for them to think of me differently (knowing i don't have everything together). i think it was great that you had friends who were really there for you, i'm just not sure my friends would be umm as helpful.
i haven't really thought before about the guilt i would feel if i did survive. i have thought a lot about whether people would miss me or even care or if i would really be hurting people to leave. i guess i always assumed that if i tried, i could be successful for sure, but maybe not.
it must be really hard having to see 6 therapists in 2 years. i dont' think i could deal with that. i miss my old t so much. it makes me so sad to think that she is seeing other people and not seeing me. and that i was just a client to her and noone important. it sucks so much.
thanks again so much for your post.
> hey lonelygal-- i didn't read all the responses to your post, but obviously you are valued and cared about, whether or not you can feel it and internalize it.
>
> if you can bring yourself to do it, please do reach out to someone real in your life, someone who can be with you or really talk to you. twice before, i haven't done this. my first suicide attempt happened really impulsively, and i felt like i couldn't control it. i was drug-induced psychotic, having paranoid delusions and hallucinations. my ending up in the hospital surprised everyone in my life because i always wore a smile, i always looked put together, i took care of other people. i didn't know or care if anyone would care about what happened to me or not, and i was really touched by how many close friends stuck by me and sat with me through those horrible weeks of the hospital.
>
> the second time was more complex. this was a deliberate decision and plan to kill myself, and it was pretty lethal and nearly worked. right before i did it, two of my best friends sat with me in my room after we got back from a birthday party, and i never said a word about my plans. they left, telling me how much better i looked. i chatted with my suitemate for awhile and then locked myself in my room. a few weeks before, the psychiatrist who was, by default, in charge of my care, asked me to please let someone know if i got in a bad place-- someone who could help. i was feeling so bad that i took that to mean that he wanted that someone to be anyone but him, so i did reach out to everyone i could to try to find a long-term dr, to try to hang on, but i came away empty-handed. i think i should've gone to the people who know me well and cared-- my best friends and that pdoc. i didn't because i felt so awful and worthless and didn't want to burden them, thinking that they had much more important things to do than deal with me. this time, when i was in the hospital, it almost cost me one of the best friends around. he was so pissed and felt confused and betrayed and helpless, mad at me for doing it and madder that i let him leave me that night without letting him know where i was at. the pdoc was also super-conflicted. i thought at the time that his response was unprofessional and uncalled for, that a pdoc must, in the course of his career, have to deal with suicides and suicide attempts. i don't know if this is true for him, but i know now that he wouldn't have given me such a hard time and have been such a jerk if i hadn't rattled him so bad because he did care.
>
> recently, i had a fast downward spiral and, within a week, i was sitting in my room with grams of drugs that are prescribed in 0.5 or 1mg, trying to think of the most lethal combinations without ready antidotes. a close friend called, and talked to me while i was hysterical, and she said the right words that motivated me to get help: "just the fact that you're talking to me, that you're on the phone with me... that's a really good sign. the other two times, i sat with you, and you never let on that you felt so bad. this means that you want to live and you can still help yourself!" and it was true. just talking to her was the first step, and knowing that she was drained and overworked and still talking to me in the middle of the night, that she did care and so did others, made a big difference.
>
> i can't say that there's one sure way to feel better or to get help. the hospital/ER doesn't work for everyone, but please also don't feel like you need to do something serious to hurt yourself before you can get treated. in the short-term, i know they would rather keep you safe even if they don't fix you up all the way. i'm sorry your T left you as she did. i've seen maybe half a dozen myself in two years, and it really sucks to be hung out to dry and to have to connect all over with someone new. if you can, i really recommend letting someone in your life know what's going on. if you survive an attempt on your life (and i hope to God that you won't hurt yourself), you're often left with a lot of guilt for the impact your action has on other people. i can't guarantee that reaching out to a friend or someone else will be a cure, but at least you'll know that you tried. and what i've learned about doctors recently also applies to friends-- if one can't help you, that doesn't mean that no one can. in the case of drs or Ts, look at that person and say, "ok, if you can't help me, please point me in the direction of someone who can." because that person exists, lonelygal! please believe me and give it a try. i know the feeling that no one cares and that you're worthless, but i know-- just on this board alone!-- that people do care about you and are out there willing to help. please give it a try.
>
> thinking about you and sending you a hug,
> cb
Posted by lonelygal on January 12, 2005, at 15:10:02
In reply to Re: how are you feeling today? » lonelygal, posted by judy1 on January 12, 2005, at 11:57:20
this new therapist is a psych grad student, so umm i'm thinking it's going to be sort of hard to contact her all the time... which isn't good... but maybe that would make me not be needy or annoying if i saw her.. but i'm scared about when i'm feeling really badly.. i dunno. whatever.
Posted by rainbowbrite on January 12, 2005, at 15:20:15
In reply to Re: how are you feeling today? » rainbowbrite, posted by lonelygal on January 12, 2005, at 14:47:23
are you going to meet with her? try and let her know how bad you feel if you do meet, it might take a huge weight off your shoulders.
take care
Posted by lonelygal on January 12, 2005, at 15:26:08
In reply to Re: how are you feeling today? » lonelygal, posted by rainbowbrite on January 12, 2005, at 15:20:15
i don't think so.. well, at least not this week.. i feel like she is really not supposed to be available right now and that i have already been annoying by calling their answering machine.
> are you going to meet with her? try and let her know how bad you feel if you do meet, it might take a huge weight off your shoulders.
> take care
Posted by gardenergirl on January 12, 2005, at 16:03:11
In reply to Re: how are you feeling today? » rainbowbrite, posted by lonelygal on January 12, 2005, at 15:26:08
Hi lonelygal,
I just wanted to comment that I used to work in a university training clinic. During school breaks, we often did not see clients, although if they were in town and the center was open, we could see them. But at any rate, there was always a procedure in place for emergency contact. In our center, the trainees rotated carrying a pager for after hours contact. Once you get going with her, do make sure to ask her what her center's policy and procedure is regarding emergencies and contact. Even though the school is on break, the psychologist supervising the trainees is still responsible for the clients' care. So there must be some way to contact them and get some help.Good luck,
gg
Posted by CareBear04 on January 12, 2005, at 16:25:49
In reply to Re: i want to die. » CareBear04, posted by lonelygal on January 12, 2005, at 15:03:42
hey lonelygal-- i never really thought about feeling guilty, either. it has made me mad on occasion when drs or Ts have implied that i made suicide attempts to manipulate people or stuff like that becuase i've never done anything with the intention of hurting anyone but myself. when you're feeling as bad as you are, it's hard to think of how others will feel because, i anyway, felt so hopeless and worthless that i just couldn't tolerate being alive anymore because it was so painful. but guilt did hit, though i'm not saying this to guilt you prematurely or anything. after the 2nd time, my friends and family were so mad at me, and the hospital staff went out of their way to tell me how bad i was and how i needed to understand the consequences of my actions. i felt so awful and guilty, and i remember pleading to see the chaplain just for comfort, and crying and asking whether even God could forgive me for being so awful and attempting what I did. she almost cried herself; she said she had never been asked something like that esp by someone so young and vulnerable, and esp when she thought the answer was so obvious-- in her words, "as far as the east is from the west, of course you're forgiven!" i don't know, religious or other kinds of guilt have always followed my attempts on my life. i don't think we should feel guilty for the sad things that we can be driven to do-- it may be a rational response, but i don't think people should make us feel like this.
please definitely think of yourself and don't worry about others. don't make yourself feel guilty or convince yourself that you're worthless. however much you might think that your friends won't be there for you, i bet you might be surprised. i've lost dozens of friends over hospital stays and medical leaves, but there have been some really special people that have stuck by me through the worst. please at least try to find one person like that. even if someone is really busy or seems indifferent, feelings as serious as you have will make people take note. i had a friend die of a drug overdose. we never found out whether or not it was intentional, but it doesn't matter to me. i saw him struggling before it happened, and i was too busy and preoccupied with myself to be a good friend. the guilt comes and goes, but the wish that i had been a better friend never goes away. please believe that there are people who really care about you and might not just see how much you're hurting. you are worth the attention you need, and i wish i could be present to offer you at least a tiny bit of the care you deserve. i'm thinking of you!
Posted by lonelygal on January 12, 2005, at 18:55:31
In reply to Re: i want to die. » lonelygal, posted by CareBear04 on January 12, 2005, at 16:25:49
i miss my old t :(
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