Posted by lonelygal on January 12, 2005, at 15:03:42
In reply to Re: i want to die. » lonelygal, posted by CareBear04 on January 12, 2005, at 3:49:06
thanks so much for sharing all that you did with me. i'm really sorry that you have been through all that you have too. i am trying to reach out to a therapist, but i'm too scared to let any of my friends in real life know how badly everything feels. i just would be way too embarassed and i'm too scared to be honest and i don't want to be judged or for them to think of me differently (knowing i don't have everything together). i think it was great that you had friends who were really there for you, i'm just not sure my friends would be umm as helpful.
i haven't really thought before about the guilt i would feel if i did survive. i have thought a lot about whether people would miss me or even care or if i would really be hurting people to leave. i guess i always assumed that if i tried, i could be successful for sure, but maybe not.
it must be really hard having to see 6 therapists in 2 years. i dont' think i could deal with that. i miss my old t so much. it makes me so sad to think that she is seeing other people and not seeing me. and that i was just a client to her and noone important. it sucks so much.
thanks again so much for your post.
> hey lonelygal-- i didn't read all the responses to your post, but obviously you are valued and cared about, whether or not you can feel it and internalize it.
>
> if you can bring yourself to do it, please do reach out to someone real in your life, someone who can be with you or really talk to you. twice before, i haven't done this. my first suicide attempt happened really impulsively, and i felt like i couldn't control it. i was drug-induced psychotic, having paranoid delusions and hallucinations. my ending up in the hospital surprised everyone in my life because i always wore a smile, i always looked put together, i took care of other people. i didn't know or care if anyone would care about what happened to me or not, and i was really touched by how many close friends stuck by me and sat with me through those horrible weeks of the hospital.
>
> the second time was more complex. this was a deliberate decision and plan to kill myself, and it was pretty lethal and nearly worked. right before i did it, two of my best friends sat with me in my room after we got back from a birthday party, and i never said a word about my plans. they left, telling me how much better i looked. i chatted with my suitemate for awhile and then locked myself in my room. a few weeks before, the psychiatrist who was, by default, in charge of my care, asked me to please let someone know if i got in a bad place-- someone who could help. i was feeling so bad that i took that to mean that he wanted that someone to be anyone but him, so i did reach out to everyone i could to try to find a long-term dr, to try to hang on, but i came away empty-handed. i think i should've gone to the people who know me well and cared-- my best friends and that pdoc. i didn't because i felt so awful and worthless and didn't want to burden them, thinking that they had much more important things to do than deal with me. this time, when i was in the hospital, it almost cost me one of the best friends around. he was so pissed and felt confused and betrayed and helpless, mad at me for doing it and madder that i let him leave me that night without letting him know where i was at. the pdoc was also super-conflicted. i thought at the time that his response was unprofessional and uncalled for, that a pdoc must, in the course of his career, have to deal with suicides and suicide attempts. i don't know if this is true for him, but i know now that he wouldn't have given me such a hard time and have been such a jerk if i hadn't rattled him so bad because he did care.
>
> recently, i had a fast downward spiral and, within a week, i was sitting in my room with grams of drugs that are prescribed in 0.5 or 1mg, trying to think of the most lethal combinations without ready antidotes. a close friend called, and talked to me while i was hysterical, and she said the right words that motivated me to get help: "just the fact that you're talking to me, that you're on the phone with me... that's a really good sign. the other two times, i sat with you, and you never let on that you felt so bad. this means that you want to live and you can still help yourself!" and it was true. just talking to her was the first step, and knowing that she was drained and overworked and still talking to me in the middle of the night, that she did care and so did others, made a big difference.
>
> i can't say that there's one sure way to feel better or to get help. the hospital/ER doesn't work for everyone, but please also don't feel like you need to do something serious to hurt yourself before you can get treated. in the short-term, i know they would rather keep you safe even if they don't fix you up all the way. i'm sorry your T left you as she did. i've seen maybe half a dozen myself in two years, and it really sucks to be hung out to dry and to have to connect all over with someone new. if you can, i really recommend letting someone in your life know what's going on. if you survive an attempt on your life (and i hope to God that you won't hurt yourself), you're often left with a lot of guilt for the impact your action has on other people. i can't guarantee that reaching out to a friend or someone else will be a cure, but at least you'll know that you tried. and what i've learned about doctors recently also applies to friends-- if one can't help you, that doesn't mean that no one can. in the case of drs or Ts, look at that person and say, "ok, if you can't help me, please point me in the direction of someone who can." because that person exists, lonelygal! please believe me and give it a try. i know the feeling that no one cares and that you're worthless, but i know-- just on this board alone!-- that people do care about you and are out there willing to help. please give it a try.
>
> thinking about you and sending you a hug,
> cb
poster:lonelygal
thread:439892
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050111/msgs/441223.html