Posted by CareBear04 on January 12, 2005, at 16:25:49
In reply to Re: i want to die. » CareBear04, posted by lonelygal on January 12, 2005, at 15:03:42
hey lonelygal-- i never really thought about feeling guilty, either. it has made me mad on occasion when drs or Ts have implied that i made suicide attempts to manipulate people or stuff like that becuase i've never done anything with the intention of hurting anyone but myself. when you're feeling as bad as you are, it's hard to think of how others will feel because, i anyway, felt so hopeless and worthless that i just couldn't tolerate being alive anymore because it was so painful. but guilt did hit, though i'm not saying this to guilt you prematurely or anything. after the 2nd time, my friends and family were so mad at me, and the hospital staff went out of their way to tell me how bad i was and how i needed to understand the consequences of my actions. i felt so awful and guilty, and i remember pleading to see the chaplain just for comfort, and crying and asking whether even God could forgive me for being so awful and attempting what I did. she almost cried herself; she said she had never been asked something like that esp by someone so young and vulnerable, and esp when she thought the answer was so obvious-- in her words, "as far as the east is from the west, of course you're forgiven!" i don't know, religious or other kinds of guilt have always followed my attempts on my life. i don't think we should feel guilty for the sad things that we can be driven to do-- it may be a rational response, but i don't think people should make us feel like this.
please definitely think of yourself and don't worry about others. don't make yourself feel guilty or convince yourself that you're worthless. however much you might think that your friends won't be there for you, i bet you might be surprised. i've lost dozens of friends over hospital stays and medical leaves, but there have been some really special people that have stuck by me through the worst. please at least try to find one person like that. even if someone is really busy or seems indifferent, feelings as serious as you have will make people take note. i had a friend die of a drug overdose. we never found out whether or not it was intentional, but it doesn't matter to me. i saw him struggling before it happened, and i was too busy and preoccupied with myself to be a good friend. the guilt comes and goes, but the wish that i had been a better friend never goes away. please believe that there are people who really care about you and might not just see how much you're hurting. you are worth the attention you need, and i wish i could be present to offer you at least a tiny bit of the care you deserve. i'm thinking of you!
poster:CareBear04
thread:439892
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050111/msgs/441255.html