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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 13 to 37 of 37. Go back in thread:
Posted by Dinah on January 6, 2005, at 17:37:35
In reply to Re: I think.... » Dinah, posted by Aphrodite on January 6, 2005, at 16:27:26
Mind if I come back to it at another time?
I got another blow to the knees, and I don't know if I'll be able to stay standing. My whippet is functionally paralyzed below the neck. I've spent all my money and can't afford to have her hospitalized. The consensus is there's only one test that will help, it'll cost a thousand dollars, and it would only tell if she's dying.
So she's at home lying on her side, requiring fairly constant care, moving from side to side, feeding etc.
It's the straw that broke my back. Total meltdown. We're trying to keep me out of the hospital through daily visits with therapist, assuming husband is willing to pay for them. If not, and maybe even if so, I'll be checking into hospital. If it comes to that I'll make sure to let you know.
I just have this feeling that I have to do something really really bad in order to let people see that I can't do any more. People keep expecting things from me. I just think if I do something... well, that'd be triggering. Anyway, my therapist would prefer I go into the hospital instead. I'm not sure.
I am so tired.
Posted by Aphrodite on January 6, 2005, at 19:15:59
In reply to Re: I think I'll have to consider it a bit later, posted by Dinah on January 6, 2005, at 17:37:35
Please do whatever it takes to feel safe and better. I'm so sorry about the puppy.
I'll keep you in constant thought and prayer.
(((Dinah)))
Posted by TofuEmmy on January 6, 2005, at 20:57:58
In reply to Re: I think I'll have to consider it a bit later, posted by Dinah on January 6, 2005, at 17:37:35
If you decide on the hospital stay, it may turn out to be a good rest for you. You have been through SO much lately. Let someone else cook your meals and do your dishes. Bring books, and cozy slippers.
If you are in ANY danger of hurting yourself, you know you must do this for your son's sake - whether you wanna or not. Cuz Emmy says so. Sometimes I must put my foot down. :-)
Please take care Dinah. Hugs.
emmy
Posted by Dinah on January 6, 2005, at 21:47:15
In reply to Re: I think I'll have to consider it a bit later » Dinah, posted by TofuEmmy on January 6, 2005, at 20:57:58
I'm leaning towards the hospital right now, which is better than earlier today. But I don't know if I can stand the fuss involved.
The poor dog is going to have to go back to the vets tomorrow one way or another. I'm going to take my husband up on his offer to pay for her care. I just can't do this right now. She needs more than I can give.
I could try the once a day therapy, but it seems that that would just contribute to the problem - pretending I can keep doing everything when I really just can't. But I don't know if I can bear to admit that.
I'll sleep on it. I hope I'll sleep anyway. Not sleeping has been one of the problems.
Posted by gardenergirl on January 6, 2005, at 22:26:40
In reply to Thanks Emmy and Aphrodite, posted by Dinah on January 6, 2005, at 21:47:15
Dinah,
I hope you are sleeping peacefully and getting the rest you need right now. If not, I hope you are doing something to take care of yourself. If that means going to the hospital, then that's a good thing. I'll be thinking of you and sending out peaceful, soothing thoughts.Take care,
gg
Posted by Speaker on January 6, 2005, at 22:58:46
In reply to Re: Thanks Emmy and Aphrodite » Dinah, posted by gardenergirl on January 6, 2005, at 22:26:40
Posted by DissociativeJane on January 6, 2005, at 23:32:31
In reply to Thanks Emmy and Aphrodite, posted by Dinah on January 6, 2005, at 21:47:15
Dear Dinah,
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. You have so much stress right now that I can imagine it must feel overwhelming.
How will going to the hospital help you? Do you want to be admitted? Do you think you need a medication adjustment to make you feel better?
BLESSINGS TO YOU
Posted by Dinah on January 7, 2005, at 4:07:42
In reply to Re: Thanks Emmy and Aphrodite » Dinah, posted by DissociativeJane on January 6, 2005, at 23:32:31
Posted by Dinah on January 7, 2005, at 4:14:39
In reply to Re: Thanks Emmy and Aphrodite » Dinah, posted by DissociativeJane on January 6, 2005, at 23:32:31
Those are good questions. I hate meds and I imagine they'll push them. I'm not a big one for group activities and the idea of sharing a bedroom and bath borders on terrifying. My emetophobia is already kicking up.
It's just that my other alternatives are ones that only I think are good ones. We're going to talk again this morning and this time I hope he has something more concrete to offer than "I'll help you, but no I don't know how yet."
Posted by mair on January 7, 2005, at 4:56:11
In reply to Re: Thanks Emmy and Aphrodite » DissociativeJane, posted by Dinah on January 7, 2005, at 4:14:39
Given the time of your post (even Pacific Time) it's clear you're not sleeping and given the time of mine (eastern standard), it's clear I'm not either.
You're obviously overwelmed and depleted, and exhausted to boot. I can't imagine how you're functioning. Just consider what you've had to deal with over the last few months.
Your son needs you, but he needs a healthier you and I think you've got to do whatever it takes to get there. If that means the hospital - go to the hospital.
My secretary's best friend was recently hospitalized after her husband left her. Everytime I've thought about the hospital, I've never been able to imagine how the typical short stay could make a difference, unless maybe you were trying to radically alter your meds. But the 4 days or so that this woman was in made a world of difference. Maybe there's great value in admitting that you can't do everything and allowing others to start taking care of you. A few years ago when my T was considering whether it my be a good alternative for me, I posted here about it, and one responder said just that - that just the acknowledgment on her part (and on the part of others maybe) that she needed help, made it easier for her to really start healing.
Don't feel you have to go to the extreme of doing something extreme to make others see what you're feeling. The proverbial cry for help suicidal attempt or SI action can go wrong and can be misinterpreted. Just do what you know you need to do to take care of yourself.
Hopefully your T can offer more concrete support.
In the meantime, I'm thinking about you too - alot.
Mair
Posted by DissociativeJane on January 7, 2005, at 9:19:36
In reply to Re: Thanks Emmy and Aphrodite » DissociativeJane, posted by Dinah on January 7, 2005, at 4:14:39
Dinah,
Instead of going to the hospital, why not treat yourself to a retreat of some sort maybe a healing "spa package" with an emphasis on healing?
I have never met you however, I sense that maybe you need an escape.....
I'm wondering if a mental health unit in a hospital would really be helpful for you, but I guess only you can answer this question.
Thoughtfully,
Jane
Posted by antigua on January 7, 2005, at 12:10:45
In reply to Hospital » Dinah, posted by DissociativeJane on January 7, 2005, at 9:19:36
You're a great person, Dinah, and are well loved here at Babble, so please do whatever you need to keep safe. Let go and let others take care of you. You have a great relationship w/your son that I know is very important to you.
antigua
Posted by Annierose on January 7, 2005, at 12:26:27
In reply to Re: Hospital, posted by antigua on January 7, 2005, at 12:10:45
Just wanted to let you know that I want you to feel better. Life sometimes just isn't fair. You have already suffered so much. I hope you can do what is best for you right now, whatever course that might be. Annierose
Posted by vwoolf on January 7, 2005, at 12:57:01
In reply to Re: Hospital, posted by Annierose on January 7, 2005, at 12:26:27
Dinah, warm fuzzy thoughts winging your way from Africa. Look after yourself - we all care.
Posted by Dinah on January 7, 2005, at 13:50:34
In reply to Re: Hospital, posted by vwoolf on January 7, 2005, at 12:57:01
We're leaning against hospitalization right now, though that could change with additional stressors being added.
He convinced me that though he thinks I'm stronger than I think I am, that he does think the stressors and demands right now are more than I can cope with and he's willing to work with me based on that assumption. Even though I won't do sensible things like admit defeat and ask for a leave of absence. Somehow death seems better. I'm not sure why that is.
He bullied me into calling my pdoc and together they bullied me into starting an antidepressant though I don't feel depressed. They both say desperate can be depressed. Oh joy, withdrawal to look forward to. And I'm to start taking Risperdal daily, which is all *I* think I need.
He gave me the words to say if my office calls and yells when they find out I've been incapable of reasonable work for some time now. He swears people cut you slack when you've had a death in the family. I'm not sure I believe it.
I am really a bit skeptical because my presentation of my requests for help or admissions of distress are too restrained for most people to take seriously. I'm so glad he does take it seriously. He said I don't need to physically disable myself for him to be able to see I'm disabled functionally right now. I'm not sure why that makes me feel less frantic about needing to hurt myself, but it does.
Sadly, I had to put my whippet to sleep. I got a second opinion today and he agreed with me. A very small chance of recovery wasn't worth the distress she was suffering.
So the risperdal's hit my system already and i'm feeling a bit better. especially since i haven't heard any screaming and the weekend is coming. no chance of anyone yelling from work.
Cross your fingers for me. Maybe I'll be able to stay out of the hospital. And with a double finger cross, maybe I'll find a way to lighten my load that won't bring personal disgrace on me.
He's pretty good with me in a crisis, I have to say. Though he also drives me nuts by insisting I take responsibility.
Thanks for all the good thoughts. I still need them.
Posted by judy1 on January 7, 2005, at 14:16:00
In reply to He does have his strengths, posted by Dinah on January 7, 2005, at 13:50:34
I'm very, very sorry for your loss. When I put my malamute to sleep recently I got to hold him and it was amazingly peaceful- just knowing he doesn't suffer anymore is comforting to me and I hope you feel the same about your dog now. Stressors can be horrible, and they always seem to come in groups but you sound very strong right now and I hope with the support of your therp/spouse/ friends you'll be able to get through all of this.
you're in my prayers- judy
Posted by annierose on January 7, 2005, at 14:44:31
In reply to He does have his strengths, posted by Dinah on January 7, 2005, at 13:50:34
I just am speechless. So sorry to hear about your whippet. How is your little boy doing too?
I'm glad your T is trying to be a leg on your stool for you right now. He cares for you so very much. Sending soothing thoughts your way ...
(and hugs, but I'm not the touchy/feely type)
Annierose
Posted by DissociativeJane on January 7, 2005, at 15:02:58
In reply to He does have his strengths, posted by Dinah on January 7, 2005, at 13:50:34
Dinah,
you are in my thoughts. It sounds like your therapist really has your best interest at hand. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Posted by partlycloudy on January 7, 2005, at 15:20:23
In reply to He does have his strengths, posted by Dinah on January 7, 2005, at 13:50:34
Dinah, please don't hesitate about taking a leave of absence to help yourself stay safe and recover. No one has to know anything about why it's necessary - your doctor's recommendation is enough to initiate a Family Medical Leave. I did not realize how very desperate I was until I'd been off work for about a week. Not having to show up at work, meet deadlines and put that brave face on was an enormous relief. I cannot stress enough how restorative just doing that was for me.
Best wishes and I'll be checking the boards, too!
Posted by mair on January 7, 2005, at 16:27:04
In reply to He does have his strengths, posted by Dinah on January 7, 2005, at 13:50:34
Dinah - it sounds as if your T is monitoring this closely enough and that you are taking it seriously enough. I think it helps to have someone really understand the nature and depth of your despair and your incapacity.
People are more understanding when there has been a death in the family. I milked my own father's death as an excuse with a number of clients so even if you feel it's not a legitimate excuse, it is legit and more importantly, everyone else will feel its legit.
I too have had the thought that killing myself is preferable to telling a client I haven't finished his work or otherwise being exposed for the neglectful nonproductive fraud I think I am. I think you just don't want to have to confront whatever your most iminent work disaster might be. I've had to catch myself and reflect on the absurdity of killing myself on account of anything work related. I mean it surely isn't worth all that.
Personally, I kind of like the spa idea, although it's a pricey alternative. The only attraction a hospital ever held for me was that I might not have to accept any telephone calls or otherwise talk to anyone connected to my work life. When I was that depressed, however, I didn't have the creativity to figure out that maybe I could get that same protection in a spa.
Please take care and keep us all posted on how you're managing.
Mair
Posted by Dinah on January 7, 2005, at 20:40:36
In reply to Re: He does have his strengths » Dinah, posted by judy1 on January 7, 2005, at 14:16:00
Judy, I'm so sorry about your Malamute. I know how close you were to him. And I know what a blow it was to lose my Harry. I still haven't recovered.
The whippet was a good sweet dog. In fact as she sat on my lap at the vets unable to move below the neck and with only a bit of control over moving her head, she reached up and licked me. I *know* that what I did was right for her. I would have even done it for Harry. A dog just can't possibly understand why they can't move, and she was so distressed. For a slim chance of recovery, it wouldn't have been right to put her through that.
Posted by Dinah on January 7, 2005, at 20:44:10
In reply to Re: He does have his strengths » Dinah, posted by DissociativeJane on January 7, 2005, at 15:02:58
I do understand his strengths as well as his weaknesses. He has a lot of both. :) I don't think I could bear to give up the strengths though.
My son has lost so much lately, he's totally blase about the dog's death. His only fear was that he was going to see her die when we found her so ill. He's managed to avoid seeing dead bodies and he sure didn't want to see her die. (Although he's full of questions about it. Easier to ask about a dog than a grandparent I guess.)
Posted by Dinah on January 7, 2005, at 20:45:34
In reply to Leave of absence » Dinah, posted by partlycloudy on January 7, 2005, at 15:20:23
Unfortunately our office is too small to be covered. And I no longer have my father's presence to protect me. They were quite unhappy with me when I took the chance to be honest with them at my therapist's recommendation.
Therapists are overly optimistic about people sometimes.
Posted by Dinah on January 7, 2005, at 20:51:22
In reply to Re: He does have his strengths » Dinah, posted by mair on January 7, 2005, at 16:27:04
The problem is that it doesn't seem the tiniest bit absurd to me. Failing as badly as I have so far seems reason enough. Admitting total defeat seems a fate worse than death. Mind you, I fell in hysterics and swore I was failing if I got a B in school.
My office is extremely unhappy with me. Rightfully so. I finally came clean tonight. And they're not happy. And daddy isn't there to keep me from getting fired. And they seemed to think three weeks was plenty of time to get over daddy's death. And one boss told me he just doesn't understand my "emotional problems" and wanted me to explain it to him better. I wanted to shout the truth at him, but didn't. I wanted to ask him if he wanted to see my stomach, but didn't.
And this is why there seems to be no "reasonable" alternative. But no need to worry. I made a promise till Monday and I intend to keep it. I just wish I thought there was something my therapist could do.
But the truth is the only way to get out of this mess is to try harder and get my work done. Easy enough, right? :(
Posted by Aphrodite on January 8, 2005, at 4:42:31
In reply to Re: Leave of absence » partlycloudy, posted by Dinah on January 7, 2005, at 20:45:34
>
> Therapists are overly optimistic about people sometimes.Absolutely.
I am surprised by the reaction of your office though. I think there are real disadvantages sometimes working in a small place. I've always preferred the anonymity that came with working at large organizations. Anyway, I am a supervisor (32 employees under me), and at the risk of boasting, I am incredibly sensitive and sympathetic to their personal lives. I am always flexible and mindful of their obligations beyond work since most are part-time. One employee was having some trouble I could tell but would not tell me. His work performance was terrible. I finally told him he had to let me know so I could stop judging his performance and so I could help. He did, and things had been very hard for him personally -- we all chipped in and he recovered faster. I am sorry you do not have this kind of support and it must have been very painful to take a risk by letting them in on your situation and not be understood. That's just not right. I'm worried about you.
This is the end of the thread.
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