![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by littleone on January 5, 2005, at 15:15:18
4 days until I slam into the accident anniversary.
I feel compelled to go to the site to see if certain people turn up. The guy who died lives in another state with his mum & dad (lives??? I meant lived) and was just up visiting his aunty. Last year the aunty and uncle turned up at the site.
I had been sitting in my car cutting up magazines (don't ask...too nutty) and had been trying to work up to getting out. Then they turned up and I was just fixated on them. I couldn't get out and go to them. So I was basically spying on people grieving. How sick is that.
The dead guy's mother must have gotten my name and address off the cops or off the accident report, because she wrote me this huge long letter about 6 months after the accident. Telling me all this stuff about the dead guy. I wanted to write back and at the very least acknowledge I got her letter, but all my attempts were just so pathetically lame. So she hasn't heard boo from me.
So part of me is hoping she'll be there at the site this year. I'm also hoping the driver will be there. So I don't want to avoid the site in case they do turn up and I miss them. But even if I did see them there, I'd probably hide in my car like last year.
I don't have any words in me for them. Nothing I can say will make things better. In fact, knowing me, I'll say things all wrong and make them even worse. Especially now. I'm doing everything wrong with my T gone.
My T doesn't want me to go to the site. Want's me to stay right away. By going there I'm making it all more important than what it really is. These sort of accidents happen every single day. The only reason this one is special is because it happened to me. Kind of like sh*t happens, get over it.
But I need to see them. I need to know that the driver hasn't offed himself or whatever. I need something from them, but I don't know what. Can't bare to look into myself like that.
Sometimes I think I just want to not say a word. Just go up to them and hug them and just kind of communicate through osmosis. But it would never work out like that for me. I hate touch at the best of times.
What can you say to a mother when you've seen the instant her boy turned into a lump of meat? What can you say to the driver who had that lump of meat plastered on his windscreen? Nothing makes it better.
Posted by littleone on January 5, 2005, at 15:21:50
In reply to Nothing makes it better, posted by littleone on January 5, 2005, at 15:15:18
I think my T wants me to stay away 'cause that's where I go when I get really suicidal. I always cut there.
I don't have a friend who can go along with me to keep me safe. I can't contact my T at all. I have that phone number I found that might be his home number, but I really don't want to call him on his holidays. Especially not without his permission. My only safety net is to call Lifeline or a hospital. But I'm so cr*p at talking. Last time doing that made things worse.
8 days til my T comes back.
Posted by gardenergirl on January 5, 2005, at 23:40:45
In reply to T not wanting me to go there *trigger*, posted by littleone on January 5, 2005, at 15:21:50
That's really lousy timing that your T is gone when the anniversary comes up. I'm sorry you have to go thru this without your T's support.
And I think I get the desire to want to go and just communicate without words. There really aren't words for something like that. None that would make it all right. Just feelings. And sharing your feelings with others who are suffering is not necessarily a bad thing. But I would imagine very very draining.
Please take extra gentle care of yourself.
gg
Posted by daisym on January 6, 2005, at 0:11:12
In reply to T not wanting me to go there *trigger*, posted by littleone on January 5, 2005, at 15:21:50
I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope you have someone you can just sit with on this terrible day. Please don't isolate yourself.
I know you don't know what to say to the boy's mother or even to the driver. This was a tragedy for everyone involved. But perhaps, perhaps, you could write a letter to the boy. Spirit to spirit. This letter would not be for anyone else, just for you to get out your thoughts and words, exactly like you did here.
And, if you go, I think it is totally OK to not have words. Hold a candle or a teddy bear, which protects you from having to hug (your hands are full) and maybe just take a poem or a prayer to read and/or leave. BUT, if you go, don't go alone and don't go home to an empty house. Keep yourself safe.
Hugs from me.
Daisy
Posted by cubic_me on January 6, 2005, at 13:33:53
In reply to Nothing makes it better, posted by littleone on January 5, 2005, at 15:15:18
Littleone, I guess I'm on the otherside of your situation. I would love to communicate with the driver that was travelling behind my friend when she drove at 60mph into a stone wall, even if it was just to say sorry on her behalf. But I would probably prefer to do that through a letter. I saw him at the inquest, and I am happy with that for now.
For you I think it would be better to keep yourself safe. If you can do that, and go to the place if you want to, then go ahead. Otherwise I would stay home and chat on babble, or go to the mall. Do something to take your mind off the day. If you do go to the site, don't take anything sharp with you - even cut your nails back if you have to.
Posted by littleone on January 6, 2005, at 14:59:56
In reply to Re: T not wanting me to go there *trigger* » littleone, posted by gardenergirl on January 5, 2005, at 23:40:45
> That's really lousy timing that your T is gone when the anniversary comes up. I'm sorry you have to go thru this without your T's support.
Yeah it is. And I think I'm actually really hurt and disappointed about that. So many other babblers have T's that call over their break or whatever. Mine *knows* how bad the timing is and how bad I get about the accident. I don't understand why he didn't throw me any sort of lifeline at all. He also knows how much I wouldn't abuse that sort of thing. I'd do just about anything so I wasn't a *bother* to someone. I'm sorry. That's just a real sore point. Really hurts.
> And I think I get the desire to want to go and just communicate without words. There really aren't words for something like that. None that would make it all right. Just feelings. And sharing your feelings with others who are suffering is not necessarily a bad thing. But I would imagine very very draining.Yeah, that's right. Except I've never really learnt how to share feelings. Guess that's the whole point of therapy ... and probably why I always feel like I'm failing it. Except I know you can't *fail* therapy. How about just doing really really REALLY bad at it.
Posted by littleone on January 6, 2005, at 15:15:20
In reply to Re: T not wanting me to go there *trigger*, posted by daisym on January 6, 2005, at 0:11:12
Thank you so much for your ideas. I haven't been able to write to the mother, but I think I could write to the guy.
I actually wrote a letter to him a day or two after the accident and left it at the site. I went missing the next day and I was so upset about that. When the mother wrote to me, she explained that the aunty had picked it up and sent it to the mother. So if I leave a letter there just before the anniversary, I'd say it would get passed on again.
I think I'd be okay with that. I guess if I wrote it then decided I didn't want her to see it, I could do something else with it rather than leave it at the site. I'll have to think about it.
Re going alone, I know I shouldn't, but I can't bare to go with someone else and have them see me so upset and vunerable. Even my husband. I'd be too focused on trying to keep up the facade to be able to even think about grieving. He doesn't know how unwell I've felt. I haven't wanted to hurt/worry him. The cutting upsets him enough.
Posted by littleone on January 6, 2005, at 15:24:53
In reply to Re: Nothing makes it better » littleone, posted by cubic_me on January 6, 2005, at 13:33:53
Thank you for sharing your experience. I can really picture how terrible it must have been. From both his perspective and yours. I hope you find your peace.
> For you I think it would be better to keep yourself safe. If you can do that, and go to the place if you want to, then go ahead. Otherwise I would stay home and chat on babble, or go to the mall. Do something to take your mind off the day. If you do go to the site, don't take anything sharp with you - even cut your nails back if you have to.I have to work that day. It is my boss' first day back from holidays and will be really busy. Busy is good.
I know I should leave my knife at home, but even doing that terrifies me. Last time I had the urge and didn't have a knife handy, I went into some sort of deranged panic racing from shop to shop trying to find something anything to use. It terrifies me to even think about being that out of control again.
To me it just seems better to si a little and be done with it. Mt T doesn't see it that way though.
Ha ha, just realised I wrote Mt T instead of My T. Guess it's pretty obvious how much I idolise him hey?
Posted by Shortelise on January 8, 2005, at 13:42:32
In reply to Nothing makes it better, posted by littleone on January 5, 2005, at 15:15:18
((((((littleone)))))))))
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.