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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by daisym on January 2, 2005, at 16:54:28
I'm stretched this weekend -- for time, for patience and for emotional balance. But...I had to post this. I'm looking for balance.
My husband has been in a hugely bad mood for weeks; he doesn't feel good, he was on steroids and his work environment just stinks. I've vacillated between trying to be understanding, listening for hours on end and staying completely away from him. He came home from work on Friday in a black mood, barely talking to me. And then Saturday morning held me responsible for us not doing anything on New Year's Eve. OK, deep breaths. Yesterday afternoon he cheered up and asked me to go to dinner with him. I didn't want to go, but I said OK, avoiding a fight, right? At dinner he told me he sort of wished I had said no, he would have had more fun going with the guys. I said that hurt my feelings. This is where it got really weird. He made some comment about Oh, well, just take it into therapy with you. And from then on, last night and this morning, he has been picking on therapy and my therapist. "Joking" of course. He even said, "I'm think I'm going to go see this guy too, and not tell him I'm your husband." I know he is yanking my chain and I know that it can't happen, even if he was serious.
But I don't get it AT ALL!!! It feels cruel, like another way to get at me, with underlying anger or resentment. I hope I'm misreading this. But I don't think it is funny. And I don't want to be defensive, that will just stoke the fire. I half wonder if he is jealous, or is he just curious? (btw, he is almost never curious about me or my life when I'm not with him. And he doesn't ask about my therapy.) I just kept it light and said, "Not gonna happen," which is when he said he'd call and not give his real name.
This isn't funny. I know I'm over reacting, but... Someone help me with this!
Posted by Shortelise on January 2, 2005, at 17:08:42
In reply to Husbands and therapy, posted by daisym on January 2, 2005, at 16:54:28
I can't imagine what it must feel like to be treated this way by your husband.
Maybe he is jealous. Maybe he does feel threatened that you are so close to your therapist. Maybe he feels like you love your t more than you love him.
There are lots of excuses for bad behaviour. There are lots of reasons for bad behaviour. But in a grown up person in a mature, supposedly loveing relationship, what you describe is just bad behaviour, whatever the reasons.
Sorry if I am too blunt. But really!
ShortE
Posted by peacefeline on January 2, 2005, at 17:16:30
In reply to Husbands and therapy, posted by daisym on January 2, 2005, at 16:54:28
Daisy,
Any way he has PTSD? This lack of interest in you when you're not with him is *classic* ptsd especially for a guy. Same with what sounds an awful lot like emotional abuse, "joking" about therapy and threatening to go see your T.
If it is PTSD there are probably a lot of other things he's doing that can be explained by that. I've lived with a PTSD husband for 21 years and it's very tough. But when you see that many other wives have gone through the same things, it makes it much easier in a whole lot of ways.
Hugs, Susan
Posted by gardenergirl on January 2, 2005, at 17:24:23
In reply to Re: Husbands and therapy - Daisy, posted by peacefeline on January 2, 2005, at 17:16:30
Daisy,
What a pain, certainly not what you need right now. My guess is your husband is feeling insecure in some way. Perhaps he wonders how much you talk to your T about him. Perhaps he's noticed changes in you that feel threatening to him in some way. But those joking comments are definitely meaningful, not a joke, IMO. Perhaps you might suggest he see his own T? To see what it's like and to get some support for himself. It certainly sounds like he is in need of lots of support. I know you give as much as you are able, but more couldn't hurt.He may also be jealous. Perhaps he is feeling that you and he have limited time together, and he is jealous of the time you spend in therapy. If that is the case, well, too bad is my intial response. But then again, I am guessing he needs to be soothed about it. Either you can do that or he can seek that with a T. And do warn your T about his comments. He should be cut off at the beginning if he actually tries to get an appt.
(((((Daisy)))))
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on January 2, 2005, at 17:47:02
In reply to Re: Husbands and therapy - Daisy » peacefeline, posted by gardenergirl on January 2, 2005, at 17:24:23
Posted by annierose on January 2, 2005, at 17:58:18
In reply to Re: Husbands and therapy - Daisy » peacefeline, posted by gardenergirl on January 2, 2005, at 17:24:23
I agree with above posters, I do think there is a
hidden hurt(?) with your husband and it expresses itself in these angry off-handed comments. My mom (mind you I'm 43) recently made a comment like that, "I wonder if that x,y,z is going to be a discussion in your therapy." My T said that on some level, my mom is probably worried with my conversations in therapy and definitely with my connection to my T. I understand it's totally a different situation with a spouse. My husband is supportive, but I think he would benefit from therapy himself. We've gone to marriage counseling in the past, and it was helpful to both of us. I wouldn't mind going again, but not when I'm in the midst of my own therapy ... too many cooks in the kitchen (the kitchen being my BRAIN!). Good Luck Daisy!! I just have to add, I read where you have only been in therapy for 18 months on another of your posts, I was amazed at how much progress you seemed to have made in such a short time, relatively. You are doing such difficult work and I'm sure your husband is seeing some changes. And change is hard.
Posted by Fallen4MyT on January 2, 2005, at 19:10:05
In reply to Husbands and therapy, posted by daisym on January 2, 2005, at 16:54:28
Daisy maybe I am obnoxious or something but I would be so mad at your husband if I were you...I think he was being rather cruel. He may have issues cause of the meds I know steriods can make some folks cross and all but this must stem from something? what that is I am not sure but jealousy is not out of the question and maybe impatience??? I know my husband calls my T names lol and has forever even when we were JUST t and client and all...he also once said if he was such a good T I would be CURED by now :P as IF....my T ...my old pdoc and others often tell me to get out of this marriage...so its kinda funny in my case. Maybe take it up with T when you see him next..I am so sorry your hubby was mean I am sure he LOVES YOU but was mean..I was nasty on New Years Eve too see Social boards sooooo ...tis human
Posted by Dinah on January 2, 2005, at 19:46:23
In reply to Husbands and therapy, posted by daisym on January 2, 2005, at 16:54:28
I don't think you're overreacting. It seems unkind of him.
I agree with what everyone else said, but I also think it might be worth trying to figure out if anything has happened recently. This is a new line of discussion with him right? Something probably triggered it.
Posted by Aphrodite on January 2, 2005, at 21:07:25
In reply to Husbands and therapy, posted by daisym on January 2, 2005, at 16:54:28
My husband is like this too, but I guess I am so used to his passive-aggressive remarks that they roll right off me. Actually, a few that I've find humorous are: "Better him than me," "You ought to pay that guy double." He said if he ever met him, he'd buy him a drink and said, "I guess you've heard a lot about me . . ."
Usually, though, they are sarcastic reminders that I have emotional problems and he doesn't. Sigh.
I'm sorry it's so hurtful. I understand.
Posted by anastasia56 on January 2, 2005, at 23:57:49
In reply to Re: Husbands and therapy » daisym, posted by Aphrodite on January 2, 2005, at 21:07:25
some people, when they are in pain like your husband is with his sciatica, feel better when they can make someone else miserable. Maybe in some crooked way, by making you feel badly it takes his mind off his pain. It's no excuse, but just a thought in terms of what his wiring might be. I also need to add my two cents on steroid therapy and how it can change a sweet person into a tiger. I have seen it happen and it's not pretty. Just another possibility.
I went thru the steroid therapy with my husband with his sciatica and i was very grateful he was only on a one week steroid program. Now between the cortisone shots and bextra he is better but when that pain used to get a hold of him I didn't hardly know the man.
anastasia
Posted by daisym on January 3, 2005, at 1:33:05
In reply to Re: Husbands and therapy, posted by anastasia56 on January 2, 2005, at 23:57:49
Thank you all for your replies. I think you have all hit on parts and pieces of this.
First, I think steroids do change a person. They make you mean and strip away your ability to edit yourself. And being in pain, and struggling with coughing and breathing all the time takes its toll. Faced with a failing body, anger sets in. All of this is true for my husband. He isn't handling it well, or gracefully.
Our relationship has been strained for years, and like all marriages, it is complicated. I love him, but sometimes I wonder why I stay. Other times I think I have no right to complain, given all he has to deal with. "For better or worse" is the promise I made.
But as far as my therapy goes, he has no idea how much I go, or how intense everything is. I don't share with him what I am working on very much. He doesn't know about the csa, except that my dad touched me. I told him 21 years ago, just before we got married. I guess I thought I should, for whatever reason. He asked me if I was "sure" and I dropped it. We've never talked about it again. So much of my therapy is around my abandonment issues. Given that my husband is dying, he is leaving me too. This and his anger contributes to frequent retraumatizations. Sex is no picnic, especially when I am regressed. Given all that, I'm sure he feels the difference even if he hasn't asked very many questions. I think we've maybe had 4 conversations about therapy or my therapist. He tells me often that he doesn't believe in that "quackery" for himself. (He will admit that it has totally helped our son.)
I think he is depressed and perhaps you guys are right, he is feeling me pull away as I try to figure this out. I don't think he has any idea how attached to my therapist I am. I am careful not to say things like, "my therapist says this" or "my therapist says that." I know that would bug him. But he might be feeling neglected and insecure. I thought about it more tonight, and maybe as much as he wants to deny it, he might think he needs some help too. I've told him this, his friends have told him too.
And, he has said just straight out mean, jerky things too, just to get my attention. This could be one of those. I highly doubt that he would ever make a move to actually call my therapist. As I said, I'm over-reacting. It is hard for me not to excuse his behavior. It is hard to accept it too.
I think he needs a time out.
Posted by daisym on January 3, 2005, at 1:37:14
In reply to Re: Husbands and therapy - Daisy, posted by annierose on January 2, 2005, at 17:58:18
Thank you for the kind words.
I don't feel like I've made much progress, actually I think I'm taking a really long time. REALLLY Long.
I think that is why my therapist wants me to come often, almost to the level of analysis. It is hard for me to get open and stay open with out frequent contact.
And you are right. Change is hard.
Posted by annierose on January 3, 2005, at 6:26:38
In reply to Progress » annierose, posted by daisym on January 3, 2005, at 1:37:14
Daisym - You are working on extremely difficult lifelong stuff. And I admire the complicated level you seem to be working at. 18 months is a drop in the bucket, compared to the life you have lived with all that abuse and pain.
Posted by mair on January 3, 2005, at 12:07:54
In reply to To All, posted by daisym on January 3, 2005, at 1:33:05
Daisy
To what do you attribute your husband's general lack of curiosity about your therapy? When I first started with therapy about 7 years ago, my husband did sometimes ask me questions but my ability to talk about anything going on then was nil and he didn't get much of a response. I've been with my current therapist for almost 5 years I think (I've actually lost count) and he (my husband) never displays the least little bit of interest in the process at all. If I rather tentatively raise a related subject, he'll listen but rarely engage. He can be annoyingly nosey about little stuff like who just called or what I'm carrying upstairs, and he drives our kids nuts with questions.
Mair
Posted by peacefeline on January 3, 2005, at 12:10:20
In reply to Re: Husbands and therapy » daisym, posted by Aphrodite on January 2, 2005, at 21:07:25
Aphrodite wrote:
My husband is like this too, but I guess I am so used to his passive-aggressive remarks that they roll right off me. Actually, a few that I've find humorous are: "Better him than me," "You ought to pay that guy double." He said if he ever met him, he'd buy him a drink and said, "I guess you've heard a lot about me . . ."Usually, though, they are sarcastic reminders that I have emotional problems and he doesn't. Sigh.
I'm sorry it's so hurtful. I understand.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
If he's passive aggressive, Yes he does have emotional problems! (IMO)
Susan
Posted by meg7 on January 3, 2005, at 14:16:41
In reply to Husbands and therapy, posted by daisym on January 2, 2005, at 16:54:28
Daisy,
It must be very difficult for you to have to deal with your own pain as well as your husband's illness. You mentioned that your husband does not really know about your difficulties and doesn't ask about your therapy. Are you ok with his lack of interest or would you have preferred that he knew more about you? Could it be that his remarks about your therapy are also triggering painful feelings about his lack of interest or knowledge about what you are going through?
Meg.
Posted by daisym on January 4, 2005, at 0:24:12
In reply to Re: To All » daisym, posted by mair on January 3, 2005, at 12:07:54
My therapist had two comments about my husband's "jokes." He said he sounds jealous, not in a sexual, relationship way, but rather of the attention I'm giving myself, and not him. He also said that my husband could indeed be asking for help, in a very passive-agressive way. He reminded me that my husband is a grown up and needs to solve his own problems, or be straight with me about the help he needs. I'm not his mommy. So why do I feel like I should fix this for him?
As far as curiosity goes, I think for most spouses it is fear. Fear that you might be unhappy with him, or that your work in therapy might be require him to change as you change.
I don't know your husband, but I can say without hesitation that mine is so wrapped up in his own issues -- health, work, etc. that it doesn't occur to him to be curious. He is very self-absorbed. And since I never know what might set him off these days, I share very little of myself with him. It is sad really. I've described us as two people drowning in side-by-side pools, unable to get out and help the other.
Posted by daisym on January 4, 2005, at 1:29:38
In reply to Re: Husbands and therapy » daisym, posted by meg7 on January 3, 2005, at 14:16:41
Funny you asked this. My therapist said something similar on Friday. No one knows, IRL, how difficult things are for me. No one knew when I was a kid what was going on. So I feel invisible all over again. My therapist is usually gentle about things but he pushed me on this..."your husband doesn't know how deeply you are grieving, your kids don't know, your friends don't really know...just like no one knew about your dad, not your mom, your brothers, your teachers..." I couldn't do anything except nod my head and weep.
He thinks I need more support around all of this, but it is truly complicated. I have two friends I've told about the csa now. One is very helpful, the other not so much. My husband has his own stuff to deal with and I don't believe he is capable of giving a sustained supportive response. Not that I've given him the opportunity to prove me wrong.
Oh, and just in case you think my therapist was too hard on me, he did pull back and say, "OK, more support is a goal. But don't forget, it *is* already different this time, because we are doing this work together. You aren't alone...I know you are suffering and I see you grieving. So they don't know, but I know. I know." Which made me cry too. *sigh*
Posted by fallsfall on January 4, 2005, at 6:47:39
In reply to Re: Husbands and therapy » meg7, posted by daisym on January 4, 2005, at 1:29:38
I know you don't like to share your therapist, Daisy... But can I hide in the far corner of the couch just so I can get some vicarious comfort from him?
Posted by meg7 on January 4, 2005, at 9:01:27
In reply to Re: Husbands and therapy » meg7, posted by daisym on January 4, 2005, at 1:29:38
Daisy, I am sorry this is all so difficult for you. As your therapist said, it is different now that you have someone who knows and understands. That is very important. Also the friend you mentioned and this board, too.
Wishing you the strength you need to cope with it all,
Meg.
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