![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 28. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by daisym on November 23, 2004, at 23:48:14
I told my therapist today that little daisy was having a tantrum. She wants to be his only client, to feel close and connected all the time. She doesn't want to wait hours to reach him on the phone nor days between sessions. She doesn't care if this is practical, realistic or even healthy. She just wants what she wants...and she wants it NOW!
*sigh* The adult knows how unrealistic and inappropriate all these wants are. I told him that he didn't have to worry about me turning into a stalker, but the feelings were very powerful, and the need to be connected was really huge. I said there was sort of a desperate quality about all of this...it feels like something is about the end when I'm not ready or someone is leaving no matter what I do to stop them. I feel sad and inconsolable...like someone died.
He said he thought the "wants" were about wanting to feel special, that I needed to know I mattered to someone. And there was nothing inappropriate about that. He said it was entirely OK to need him as much as I did, and he would try to hold and respect these needs as much as possible. He was very gentle about reminding me that he couldn't meet all my needs and that many of these feelings were old dependency needs that were never met. So they feel HUGE and overwhelming for me. But he wanted me to tell him everything I was feeling and it was really OK for us to talk about it.
But at this point I was feeling so ashamed of myself and confused by all these feelings that I withdrew inside and floated away. He tried to stop the shut down and told me again he was OK with all of this, but I was too far gone to come back. I left upset and came home and slept for a couple of hours. Now I feel sad and numb.
I just don't know how to get connected to him and STAY that way. I want to...it feels good when I allow it. But it never lasts, the worries come in and I freak out. But being disconnected now feels even worse -- like treading water in the deep end when you are really tired. I feel lost, really discouraged and a little scared of how depressed I feel.
I need advice and support and chocolate. Maybe not in that order.
Posted by Fallen4MyT on November 24, 2004, at 0:17:32
In reply to I think I'm losing it a little, posted by daisym on November 23, 2004, at 23:48:14
First OMG it's so cool to see you again..huge hugs to you.....second I have some Godiva candy and I cannot eat it...and I have hot chocolat we could party....third I personally think what you feel is very "normal" and the reason maybe you feel you cannot hold onto "that feeling" is because you may be afraid to?? it is a huge leap of faith to trust something/someone that much to be there and hold you as special consistently ...It may just take some time to KNOW YOU ARE that special and you know what...you are to so many of us :)
Posted by Fallen4MyT on November 24, 2004, at 0:25:12
In reply to I think I'm losing it a little, posted by daisym on November 23, 2004, at 23:48:14
oh and for what it is worth and i am not a t as you know....i think your statement below sez a lot it suggests your need for that good trusting feeling is breaking down your defenses thus the disconnected doesn't work as well...sorry this is sloppy i am eating eggrolls with ketchup and have a touch pad on my laptop lol messy
>>But being disconnected now feels even worse -- like treading water in the deep end when you are really tired. I feel lost, really discouraged and a little scared of how depressed I feel.>>
Posted by gardenergirl on November 24, 2004, at 1:23:10
In reply to I think I'm losing it a little, posted by daisym on November 23, 2004, at 23:48:14
Daisy,
I'm sorry things are rough again. Hopefully each upswing you go through will be longer and longer. But as hard as you are working in therapy, and in life, I'm sure there are going to be times when things feel broken down. I can't imagine that sustaining such intense work doesn't take some kind of toll. But you and your T seem to be very good at recovering quickly. Please try to keep that in mind.I'm wondering if the feelings of loss you are encountering now might actually be grieving for what might have been/never was? I know when I get exposure to something that I needed but didn't get as a child, it's always a powerful feeling for me. Poignant, because it reminds me of the void. Perhaps you are grieving that void or loss versus experiencing it more statically?
Golly, that's a load of gobbledgook above. I don't feel very articulate at this hour. Plus, my brain is friend. Oh lordy, I mean fried.
Mostly, I just want to say that I'm thinking of you. I have faith in you and in little Daisy and in your T. And I continue to have hope for you and am awed by your progress.
Take care of all of you.
gg
Posted by mandinka on November 24, 2004, at 1:46:10
In reply to Re: I think I'm losing it a little, posted by gardenergirl on November 24, 2004, at 1:23:10
I don't know what to say except that I feel sorry for you, daisy. In the end this will pass and you'll again reconnect with your T. I hope this will happen real soon.
I have three pieces of a toblerone bar next to me. Interested? :)
Posted by messadivoce on November 24, 2004, at 2:34:05
In reply to I think I'm losing it a little, posted by daisym on November 23, 2004, at 23:48:14
Oh my dear, that thread could have been written by me 6 months ago!
My former T was very good at articulating my broken thoughts for me, and once I expressed to him how I wished he could hold me in his arms. He looked at me with such compassion and kindness with those warm brown eyes (which I miss!) and said, "I wish I could do that for you, but I can't. But I can hold you in other ways." Which he did: with words, with gentleness and unwavering acceptance.
It's horrible, tormenting and painful to feel so strongly about someone! To hope and wish that they could meet all your needs! Your T is just a man after all, and that is something I need to remind myself of when it comes to my T as well.
I know that my T was very wonderful at helping me work through those feelings of utter dependency. Yours sounds like he is good at this too. Keep ploughing through it! My months in therapy were hell, but they are finally paying off now. That's my honest viewpoint from the other "end."
Posted by fallsfall on November 24, 2004, at 7:04:41
In reply to I think I'm losing it a little, posted by daisym on November 23, 2004, at 23:48:14
> I told my therapist today that little daisy was having a tantrum. She wants to be his only client, to feel close and connected all the time. She doesn't want to wait hours to reach him on the phone nor days between sessions. She doesn't care if this is practical, realistic or even healthy. She just wants what she wants...and she wants it NOW!
>
*** Daisy & little daisy, I am SO proud of you for telling him all of this. This, in itself, is so much progress for you. This was you articulating that *YOU* have needs. This is the first step in resolving those needs - the first thing is to recognize that you have them.> *sigh* The adult knows how unrealistic and inappropriate all these wants are. I told him that he didn't have to worry about me turning into a stalker, but the feelings were very powerful, and the need to be connected was really huge. I said there was sort of a desperate quality about all of this...it feels like something is about the end when I'm not ready or someone is leaving no matter what I do to stop them. I feel sad and inconsolable...like someone died.
*** I know that desperate quality. Can I try to console you, even though you feel inconsolable? I know I can't meet this need, but maybe I can help take the razor sharp edge off of it.
>
> He said he thought the "wants" were about wanting to feel special, that I needed to know I mattered to someone. And there was nothing inappropriate about that. He said it was entirely OK to need him as much as I did, and he would try to hold and respect these needs as much as possible. He was very gentle about reminding me that he couldn't meet all my needs and that many of these feelings were old dependency needs that were never met. So they feel HUGE and overwhelming for me. But he wanted me to tell him everything I was feeling and it was really OK for us to talk about it.*** He was glad that you were talking about it. He *does* want to hear about this. Even though he can't meet all of your needs, he still wants to hear about it and he still wants to do what he can. I sure know "HUGE and overwhelming"... But it is my experience that bringing these things into the open can help you start to deal with the hugeness and overwhelmingness. Something about when you take the secretness away, that you are able to see things more realistically??
>
> But at this point I was feeling so ashamed of myself and confused by all these feelings that I withdrew inside and floated away. He tried to stop the shut down and told me again he was OK with all of this, but I was too far gone to come back. I left upset and came home and slept for a couple of hours. Now I feel sad and numb.*** Daisy, you did *SOOOO* well to get so far in your session. Please see how much progress there was. You won't be able to do it all in one day. But you did get farther than before, and the next time (yes, I'm sorry, there *will* be a next time, and another next time...) maybe doing this much won't be so devistating and eventually you will be able to do this much and a little more. Be patient with yourself. You are facing terrifying demons - don't underestimate that. You floated away because that was all that you could handle in one day. You were protecting yourself. You are doing such a wonderful job.
>
> I just don't know how to get connected to him and STAY that way. I want to...it feels good when I allow it. But it never lasts, the worries come in and I freak out. But being disconnected now feels even worse -- like treading water in the deep end when you are really tired. I feel lost, really discouraged and a little scared of how depressed I feel.
>
*** Practice, practice, practice, practice... Think about how hard it was in the beginning to even think about this hard stuff. And now you are talking about it. You really are making a lot of progress - it is slow and very painful, but it is *real* progress. Just keep doing what you are doing. I really am amazed by how much you have learned - I hope that you can almost-sortof-kindof see that you have done so much already. I hope that that recognition will help you to keep barging ahead.*** Keep treading water. I do believe that some of what you are feeling is that you are becoming aware of what you didn't have when you were little. Unfortunately, we do seem to need to know these things in order to build the bridge over that pit. You have to measure the pit to know how big a bridge you need to build. But I guess (I hope?) that we *can* build a bridge over it, rather than needing to fill the whole pit. That it is possible to find a way to get "over" it (?!?!). But we do need to have a lot of information about what we are getting over...
> I need advice and support and chocolate. Maybe not in that order.
*** Why not have all three at the same time? No need to postpone the chocolate because you are getting advice. You can chew and talk at the same time - we won't yell at you about talking with your mouth full. And you can certainly chew and listen (read) at the same time. I'll bring a lot of chocolate, so that when I sit with you we can both gorge ourselves and still not run out.
*** Daisy and little daisy (and [therapist])... You are all doing a great job.
Posted by vwoolf on November 24, 2004, at 10:14:30
In reply to I think I'm losing it a little, posted by daisym on November 23, 2004, at 23:48:14
Daisy, I could have written this post. I am going through exactly the same thing, and am eating copious amounts of white chocolate - definitely needing mother's milk and nurturing. I have increased my number of sessions to three times a week, and although I hate feeling so dependent, realise that I am just not coping without it. But then I battle to stay connected when I'm there.
The abuse from my husband has made everything worse. I feel so weak and needy. I actually can't understand my T's position on this - she says it is good for me to be in touch with my childish, weak, needy side, and that the abuse has brought this on. I think that sounds crazy - there can't be anything good that comes out of violence. She says I need to be able to integrate the strong, capable side of me with the weak needy side, and that the more I am in touch with the child, the easier this will be.
I'm sorry, I am not sure that the last bit has anything to do with you. Just my own little rant.
Take care Daisy. I'm with you all the way.
Posted by pegasus on November 24, 2004, at 13:34:59
In reply to I think I'm losing it a little, posted by daisym on November 23, 2004, at 23:48:14
What you describe sounds so much like what a little child needs and deserves. And sometimes doesn't get. I bet you didn't get enough of that before, and so now when your wonderful T is giving you so much, you want it all. I think it makes perfect sense. I wish there was some way that you could have that perfect mothering now, to fulfill all of your needs.
But, how about some cream of wheat with cocoa stirred in? Combing two very comforting foods into one! My mom used to make that for me, and with toast and peanut butter, it's always a big comfort now.
But if it sounds awful to you, then I'll offer you a beautiful bar of smooth dark chocolate instead, and a lot of hugs: ((((Daisy))))
pegasus
Posted by littleone on November 24, 2004, at 14:49:12
In reply to I think I'm losing it a little, posted by daisym on November 23, 2004, at 23:48:14
> I told my therapist today that little daisy was having a tantrum. She wants to be his only client, to feel close and connected all the time. She doesn't want to wait hours to reach him on the phone nor days between sessions. She doesn't care if this is practical, realistic or even healthy. She just wants what she wants...and she wants it NOW!
I am so proud of you Daisy for having the courage to be so open with your T and letting little Daisy have her tantrum. I think that often people only focus on the hurt, vulnerable, sweet, dependant, etc inner child. But that's only one part of your inner child. Of course there will be some days when she is crabby or angry or rude or bratty. I think that for you to be able to acknowledge that side of little Daisy is a big step forward.And no matter how ashamed/embarrased/humiliated/whatever it may make you feel, remember that your T must know this. And I'm sure he wouldn't just want to accept the sweet or dependent or whatever side of little Daisy. He wants to know all of her.
>I said there was sort of a desperate quality about all of this...it feels like something is about the end when I'm not ready or someone is leaving no matter what I do to stop them. I feel sad and inconsolable...like someone died.Also, I'm not sure how your husband has been lately. Is there anything happening with him that could be related to the above? Sorry if I've upset you.
Be nice to yourself.
Posted by Aphrodite on November 24, 2004, at 15:03:40
In reply to I think I'm losing it a little, posted by daisym on November 23, 2004, at 23:48:14
Nope, you're not losing it -- you're being honest.
I have been reading some Jungian stuff about the traumatized psyche, and the theory goes that the inner child can be split as well into the rebellious child wanting to be completely indulged and the perfect, dutiful angelic child. The weakened ego of the adult sometimes fluctuates between the two.
I know you've read Winnicott who stated that reminders of the limitations of therapy, such as the end of the therapy hour, can set off tantrums in the young and wounded parts of the psyche. It makes perfect sense. The child who did not get the things she needed and is getting to experience that respect and safety for the first time rebels against the unfairness of the limitations.
I always question, once I understand my similar longings and behavior, what I am supposed to do to overcome it. The answer my T gives is that the pain, the grief, is part of the healing process. It does hurt so badly. But the connection, albeit limited, makes our ego stronger and more able to regulate and soothe itself. But I am slowly (finally) getting the picture that this is a long road indeed. Your T did a great job of validating your feelings and explaining their origin, but did he give you any ways to ease the pain in the meantime? (I'm probably asking more for myself -- I need those answers, too!)
It's such a hard time and added to that is the stress of the holidays. You have my permission to eat as much chocolate as you and little Daisy desire. I'm sorry things are so tough right now.
Posted by Poet on November 24, 2004, at 18:20:56
In reply to I think I'm losing it a little, posted by daisym on November 23, 2004, at 23:48:14
((((Daisy, big, little & in between))))
Little Daisy is the part of you that didn't have the courage or even ability to vocalize what she needed. She's been hurt and ignored in the past and now she wants attention (that she absolutely deserves) and she wants it right away.
Yes, she sounds like a demanding child, but what she's asking for is what she needs to heal. You have a pretty smart inner child. Listen to her, and don't be ashamed of her needs. Or Big Daisy's needs.
Your T sounds like he understands that you feel ashamed and afraid of what Little Daisy is asking for. He'll try to hold and respect these needs as much as he can (within the boundaries, darn boundaries!) and that shows that he knows how hard this is and will support you all the way.
I am sending you lots of chocolate. I'll make some hot chocolate tonight (it's cold here) with marshmallows and whipped cream.
Poet
Posted by Daisym on November 24, 2004, at 23:29:33
In reply to Re: I think I'm losing it a little PS » daisym, posted by Fallen4MyT on November 24, 2004, at 0:25:12
Nice to see you back again! I think you are right, my defenses have come down which makes it easier for me to both feel support and to get my feelings hurt.
I know I need to keep trying. It just feels really hard some days.
And I'll take you up on the chocolate offer. I actually bought the large bar tonight to eat while drinking coffee.
Hugs,
Daisy
Posted by Fallen4MyT on November 24, 2004, at 23:37:03
In reply to Re: I think I'm losing it a little PS » Fallen4MyT, posted by Daisym on November 24, 2004, at 23:29:33
What kind of giant candy bar? :) and so glad to see you too...The thing with getting well is, it is not easy on our feelings, mostly because they are being felt....I think God made chocolate :), dogs and cats to help.
HUGS
> Nice to see you back again! I think you are right, my defenses have come down which makes it easier for me to both feel support and to get my feelings hurt.
>
> I know I need to keep trying. It just feels really hard some days.
>
> And I'll take you up on the chocolate offer. I actually bought the large bar tonight to eat while drinking coffee.
>
> Hugs,
> Daisy
Posted by Daisym on November 24, 2004, at 23:54:52
In reply to Re: I think I'm losing it a little, posted by gardenergirl on November 24, 2004, at 1:23:10
<<<I'm wondering if the feelings of loss you are encountering now might actually be grieving for what might have been/never was? I know when I get exposure to something that I needed but didn't get as a child, it's always a powerful feeling for me. Poignant, because it reminds me of the void. Perhaps you are grieving that void or loss versus experiencing it more statically?
>>>>I think you are completely right. We've recently talked about grief and the fact that I'm most likely grieving, not necessarily depressed, a lot of the time. And there are so many reminders of what didn't happen when I was a child, as well as what did. My therapist helps me feel what could have been possible and it makes me so sad...I'll never get it back, that opportunity to be whole.I asked him today if he needed a break from me, if we needed a break from each other. Perhaps the disconnect was from too much. He just shook his head and said *I* might need a break from the hard stuff, but *we* needed to stay connected as much as possible. And *I* shouldn't worry about *his* needs -- that was his job. But things are a little better tonight, after a tough session and a series of phone calls back and forth.
Thanks for your support, as always.
Hugs,
Daisy
Posted by daisym on November 25, 2004, at 0:57:29
In reply to ((((Daisy)))), posted by mandinka on November 24, 2004, at 1:46:10
I'll take one of those too.
Please don't feel sorry for me -- I bring this on myself. If I could just stop questioning everything, I'd be fine. I overthink things and then worry too much.
I appreciate the good wishes though. Thanks!
Daisy
Posted by daisym on November 25, 2004, at 1:05:13
In reply to Re: I think I'm losing it a little, posted by messadivoce on November 24, 2004, at 2:34:05
Thank you for relating the "other end." Glad to hear that it is good. Your former therapist sounds like he was very good and compassionate.
My therapist is very patient about this on-again/off-again struggle I have with being attached. He tells me "this struggle IS your therapy" and reminds me often why I am like I am. I wish I could find a way to not frustrate him like this. *sigh*
Posted by daisym on November 25, 2004, at 1:30:08
In reply to Re: I think I'm losing it a little » daisym, posted by fallsfall on November 24, 2004, at 7:04:41
*** Practice, practice, practice, practice... Think about how hard it was in the beginning to even think about this hard stuff. And now you are talking about it. You really are making a lot of progress - it is slow and very painful, but it is *real* progress. Just keep doing what you are doing. I really am amazed by how much you have learned - I hope that you can almost-sortof-kindof see that you have done so much already. I hope that that recognition will help you to keep barging ahead.
>>>Thanks for everything you said, Falls. I don't think I have a choice but to keep doing what I'm doing. He pushes and little daisy pushes...everyone wants me to talk but me! :)
Today we talked more about how I was feeling lost and about how hard it is to talk about all of this. He asked me if I felt "abused" by him in some way...were his questions causing me to shut down, to retreat into silence? Were some of these feelings old and was this perhaps a reenactment of some kind?
I stopped and tried to sort out if that was true. I never feel like he is hurting me when he questions me, but there are elements of this that feel old. I told him I'm not sure what the reenactment is, if it is one. He asked me to look at times when I really needed people, what else happened when I tried to get my needs met? So we talked about old patterns of being very good while being very silent about the "bad" things. I'll have to think about it some more, I don't understand it all yet.
I think it is just going to take awhile before I know what triggers me to push away and how to turn it off. If I ever do figure it out.
Hugs,
Daisy
Posted by daisym on November 25, 2004, at 1:33:07
In reply to Re: I think I'm losing it a little, posted by vwoolf on November 24, 2004, at 10:14:30
(((vwolf)))
I wish you didn't feel this, it is really hard, isn't it?
I'm sorry things with your hubby are so tough. I'm sure they've stirred up all kinds of old memories, not to mention here and now after-effects of his abuse. I'm glad you are in therapy to help you get past all this.
Take good care of yourself,
Daisy
Posted by daisym on November 25, 2004, at 1:38:18
In reply to Re: I think I'm losing it a little, posted by pegasus on November 24, 2004, at 13:34:59
<<<<I bet you didn't get enough of that before, and so now when your wonderful T is giving you so much, you want it all.
>>>>Exactly! I told him today it was all his fault! He said fine, but I had to admit it felt good when I was attached. (He's right.) I guess you take what you can and learn to let go of the rest. I'm just not there yet.
I haven't seen you over here much. How are things? Have you outgrown your clothes yet?
and btw, I love cow with cocoa mix! I made it this morning and thought of you. :)
Hugs!
Daisy
Posted by daisym on November 25, 2004, at 1:43:38
In reply to Re: I think I'm losing it a little » daisym, posted by littleone on November 24, 2004, at 14:49:12
My therapist would agree with what you said about bringing all parts of me into the room, not just the sweet or sad parts. He questions closely to see if there is any anger in there.
My husband is doing Ok right now. He fights the cold weather and his breathing is rough. But overall, he is holding his own. I don't think he is part of this, but maybe. There are lots of fears of being left in this relationship too.
Thanks for asking, and you didn't upset me at all!
Daisy
Posted by fallsfall on November 25, 2004, at 9:45:15
In reply to Re: I think I'm losing it a little » littleone, posted by daisym on November 25, 2004, at 1:43:38
Personally, I go for Hershey's Symphony Creamy Milk Chocolate. I buy the 6 oz. bars (2/$3 at my grocery store). There are others that I like for a treat, but this is my staple chocolate.
> He just shook his head and said *I* might need a break from the hard stuff, but *we* needed to stay connected as much as possible. And *I* shouldn't worry about *his* needs -- that was his job.
*** Maybe you should write this 100 times?
> I wish I could find a way to not frustrate him like this.
*** frustrate who??
> So we talked about old patterns of being very good while being very silent about the "bad" things.
*** You learned this pattern very well...
> I think it is just going to take awhile before I know what triggers me to push away and how to turn it off. If I ever do figure it out.
*** You have already made significant progress with this. I know it is hard, but you ARE figuring it out.
(((((Daisy)))))
Posted by daisym on November 25, 2004, at 16:43:56
In reply to Re: I think I'm losing it a little » daisym, posted by Aphrodite on November 24, 2004, at 15:03:40
Aphrodite,
I think you hit the nail on the head -- there are two aspects of my younger self and it is getting harder to keep her outrage at the limitations under control.
As far as answers to the pain, typically we will talk about what helps - writing, losing myself in a book, or researching whatever is up for me at the time. Lately it has been integration. But mostly he tells me that I just have to sit with the feelings and when they get to be too much, to call him and touch base, just so that I'm not alone. And he always reminds me to not isolate myself, that being with other people keeps me out of my head, especially if I'm spending time with my kids. Sometimes I just can't force myself to do that, but when I do, I usually feel better.
Happy Thanksgiving to you. I meant to get this written last night but fell asleep on my keyboard.
Daisy
Posted by daisym on November 25, 2004, at 16:51:10
In reply to Re: I think I'm losing it a little » daisym, posted by Poet on November 24, 2004, at 18:20:56
Thanks for those nice words, Poet. I made a chocolate cream pie for dessert, among the pumpkin and apple!
I think my therapist does understand how hard this is for me. And he is very good at making me feel heard and held, while holding those boundaries tight. I'm certainly not making it easy on him lately (see update below).
I hope your Thanksgiving is peaceful, though I know you are somewhat worried about being with your family. Gobble! Gobble!
Daisy
Posted by daisym on November 25, 2004, at 17:41:49
In reply to Re: I think I'm losing it a little » littleone, posted by daisym on November 25, 2004, at 1:43:38
I was going to post this last night but fell asleep in the middle of posting. I think I was more overwhelmed than I recognized.
Yesterday's session was just a continuation of the session before, trying to understand why I felt disconnected and was trying to pull away yet saying I *wanted* to be connected. There were just these painful walls in the way. It wasn't horrible but I felt very frustrated about not understanding what was going on with me. At the end, he asked about checking in on Friday and I shook my head and said, "I don't think so." I guess I thought I should try to make it through the Holiday weekend without bothering him. And honestly, I didn't want another tough conversation with me not knowing what to say and him asking what is happening and trying to get me to not float away.
He said "fine, I'll see you Monday then." And smiled at me. I wished him a Happy Thanksgiving and was sobbing before I reached the car. I made it all the way to the freeway (5 minutes) before I called and said, "I'm crushed, totally crushed. I know I said I didn't want a check in call on Friday but you weren't supposed to be relieved about that, or look happy that you didn't have to call me. You told me to tell you if/when I get upset with you -- well, I'M UPSET!!" I'm sure I said some other dumb things too.
He called back but I missed the call, so his message was "I didn't mean to upset you, I was not relieved or happy to not have to call you, I swear. I was trying to support you in making it through the weekend. I hesitated because I expected to make contact on Friday, and thought it would be a good idea, but wanted to respect your feelings about that. I guess I should have said, "Are you sure?" And then he said he didn't want this to sit for 4 days, would I please call him back, either tonight or tomorrow morning.
So I called back and he said, "Wow, you were upset. I'm sorry that you were but I'm really glad you called and told me. But you totally misread me." So we talked about my theory of spending too much time together (which he didn't agree with) and how there are ups and downs in a therapy relationship which are really normal. I sort of blurted out that all I wanted in Wednesday's session was for him to make me feel safe --- That I needed warm and fuzzy reassurance. He said he was sorry he didn't do that for me, but that honestly, he felt like I wouldn't let him. That everytime he tried to get to my feelings, I batted him away. I said I sort of knew that I was sabotaging myself, but I felt that we had work to do and I couldn't keep asking (demanding?) warm and fuzzy from him. He said he completely agreed with that. (I don't think I wanted him to.) But that sometimes it was OK to *not* work and just get support.
*sigh* It has been a tough week for us and we don't usually have these kinds of battles. I don't know what to think about it really. I thought about Dinah's post about battling to the relationship and Antigua saying she felt like she didn't need (like?) her therapist anymore. Is it possible that the relationship has shifted and now I don't know how to read him? Or is this some kind of negative transference that I need to work through? Whatever it is, it makes me want to run from therapy all together, or at least cut back a lot. And then there is this other floating thought that says maybe I don't need him as much as I use to and I am rejecting that feeling, because it is really scary to think about that. What if I don't need him, but don't want to give him up either?
I guess I should print out those questions and ask him tomorrow. (Yes, we did decide that a check in phone call would be good, if for no other reason than to keep my fears to a minimum and short circuit this imagination of mine.)
I also wanted to say that this year one of the things I'm so thankful for is Babble -- all of you and your support. I know I write really long, "he said, I said" posts but you guys are great about responding and providing guidance and support -- especially about comfort foods. I really do love you all.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Daisy
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