Posted by fallsfall on November 24, 2004, at 7:04:41
In reply to I think I'm losing it a little, posted by daisym on November 23, 2004, at 23:48:14
> I told my therapist today that little daisy was having a tantrum. She wants to be his only client, to feel close and connected all the time. She doesn't want to wait hours to reach him on the phone nor days between sessions. She doesn't care if this is practical, realistic or even healthy. She just wants what she wants...and she wants it NOW!
>
*** Daisy & little daisy, I am SO proud of you for telling him all of this. This, in itself, is so much progress for you. This was you articulating that *YOU* have needs. This is the first step in resolving those needs - the first thing is to recognize that you have them.> *sigh* The adult knows how unrealistic and inappropriate all these wants are. I told him that he didn't have to worry about me turning into a stalker, but the feelings were very powerful, and the need to be connected was really huge. I said there was sort of a desperate quality about all of this...it feels like something is about the end when I'm not ready or someone is leaving no matter what I do to stop them. I feel sad and inconsolable...like someone died.
*** I know that desperate quality. Can I try to console you, even though you feel inconsolable? I know I can't meet this need, but maybe I can help take the razor sharp edge off of it.
>
> He said he thought the "wants" were about wanting to feel special, that I needed to know I mattered to someone. And there was nothing inappropriate about that. He said it was entirely OK to need him as much as I did, and he would try to hold and respect these needs as much as possible. He was very gentle about reminding me that he couldn't meet all my needs and that many of these feelings were old dependency needs that were never met. So they feel HUGE and overwhelming for me. But he wanted me to tell him everything I was feeling and it was really OK for us to talk about it.*** He was glad that you were talking about it. He *does* want to hear about this. Even though he can't meet all of your needs, he still wants to hear about it and he still wants to do what he can. I sure know "HUGE and overwhelming"... But it is my experience that bringing these things into the open can help you start to deal with the hugeness and overwhelmingness. Something about when you take the secretness away, that you are able to see things more realistically??
>
> But at this point I was feeling so ashamed of myself and confused by all these feelings that I withdrew inside and floated away. He tried to stop the shut down and told me again he was OK with all of this, but I was too far gone to come back. I left upset and came home and slept for a couple of hours. Now I feel sad and numb.*** Daisy, you did *SOOOO* well to get so far in your session. Please see how much progress there was. You won't be able to do it all in one day. But you did get farther than before, and the next time (yes, I'm sorry, there *will* be a next time, and another next time...) maybe doing this much won't be so devistating and eventually you will be able to do this much and a little more. Be patient with yourself. You are facing terrifying demons - don't underestimate that. You floated away because that was all that you could handle in one day. You were protecting yourself. You are doing such a wonderful job.
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> I just don't know how to get connected to him and STAY that way. I want to...it feels good when I allow it. But it never lasts, the worries come in and I freak out. But being disconnected now feels even worse -- like treading water in the deep end when you are really tired. I feel lost, really discouraged and a little scared of how depressed I feel.
>
*** Practice, practice, practice, practice... Think about how hard it was in the beginning to even think about this hard stuff. And now you are talking about it. You really are making a lot of progress - it is slow and very painful, but it is *real* progress. Just keep doing what you are doing. I really am amazed by how much you have learned - I hope that you can almost-sortof-kindof see that you have done so much already. I hope that that recognition will help you to keep barging ahead.*** Keep treading water. I do believe that some of what you are feeling is that you are becoming aware of what you didn't have when you were little. Unfortunately, we do seem to need to know these things in order to build the bridge over that pit. You have to measure the pit to know how big a bridge you need to build. But I guess (I hope?) that we *can* build a bridge over it, rather than needing to fill the whole pit. That it is possible to find a way to get "over" it (?!?!). But we do need to have a lot of information about what we are getting over...
> I need advice and support and chocolate. Maybe not in that order.
*** Why not have all three at the same time? No need to postpone the chocolate because you are getting advice. You can chew and talk at the same time - we won't yell at you about talking with your mouth full. And you can certainly chew and listen (read) at the same time. I'll bring a lot of chocolate, so that when I sit with you we can both gorge ourselves and still not run out.
*** Daisy and little daisy (and [therapist])... You are all doing a great job.
poster:fallsfall
thread:419566
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041123/msgs/419649.html