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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by rockymtnhi on November 20, 2004, at 19:48:57
I had been working on CSA and felt like I was freaking out both in session and out. I went in one day and announced to my T that I needed to be able to call him once during the week. He became irritated. He had only become irritated one other time in the 2 years that I had been seeing him (so I know from that experience when I have crossed the line). I know that he does not like to do tx over the phone but I wasn't asking for that. I just wanted to tell someone that I was freaking out. But I immediately backed off. During the next session, I asked him what his policy was around phone calls. He said I could call anytime and I had misunderstood. I was irritated that he was putting this back on me when I could visibly see that he did not like the phone call idea. Real or transference?
When I have talked about CSA, I have always thought that he was disinterested or did not believe me. He says it is transference but I still cannot get past the idea that HE does not believe me.
I just hate not knowing when what I am experiencing is real or not.
And since I am on my soapbox, I really hate wanting my T to understand what I am going through.
Posted by daisym on November 20, 2004, at 22:15:02
In reply to What's real vs. what's transference?, posted by rockymtnhi on November 20, 2004, at 19:48:57
This is a really hard question because by definition transference feels real - and essentially the feelings ARE real. They are just misplaced or over blown. Why do you hate wanting your therapist to understand what you are going through? Of course you do! Isn't that what we all want, to be understood and accepted? And that is what they are good at, looking past our defenses and seeing who we really are.
As far as calling, there should be a whole book on this subject! I would guess that he means it when he tells you to call when you need him. It may have been your presentation that made him wince or whatever. Have you ever misread him before?
It sounds like you have entered what is fondly referred to as "the crisis stage" which happens when you are telling stories about the past. You feel like everything you are, all the walls that hold you together have been bulldozed. It feels awful. It is totally understandable that you want more contact with the person who is going through this with you.
Allow yourself to have what you need. Call him, just to touch base. You'll get through this.
Posted by Aphrodite on November 21, 2004, at 9:15:38
In reply to What's real vs. what's transference?, posted by rockymtnhi on November 20, 2004, at 19:48:57
First of all, your therapist is SUPPOSED to understand what you're going through! That's his job. Keep at it until he "gets it" the way you need him to.
Secondly, I'm not a big fan of all this transference talk. Everything is transference, in therapy and in real life. Everyday I like people because they remind me of a friend I had in high school, or I don't like someone because they remind me of a mean big sister. My biggest problem with it is that it seems that some therapists use it as a reason not to take responsibility for their own behavior. My T has never used the word "transference," but a couple of times when he has done something I didn't like, he implied that it was because of some resolved issue within me. Sometimes it's not because of my parents, it's because he did something dumb! I guess I'm just saying don't let him get away with it being your issue and not his. At least tell him he needs to take 50% of the responsibility for his words and reactions.
And yes, what you are discussing is so very hard that your sensitivities are going to be heightened. Ask him to clarify. You have every right and it's very normal to feel the way you do. Calling once a week seems to me to be a very reasonable request.
Posted by Dinah on November 21, 2004, at 14:35:54
In reply to Re: What's real vs. what's transference? » rockymtnhi, posted by Aphrodite on November 21, 2004, at 9:15:38
Posted by B2Chica on November 21, 2004, at 16:09:14
In reply to Re: What's real vs. what's transference? » rockymtnhi, posted by Aphrodite on November 21, 2004, at 9:15:38
Posted by Shortelise on November 21, 2004, at 20:01:03
In reply to What's real vs. what's transference?, posted by rockymtnhi on November 20, 2004, at 19:48:57
With my T and other important people in my life, I have to ask them if I read them correctly, that it is essential to me that I know if I was projecting or if what I perceived was what they were feeling.
When I ask my T this, he will sometimes stop and think to check in with what he is feeling. At times he'll tell me that no, he wasn't feeling what I perceieved; other times he'll tell me that I what I perceived what close to what he felt.
It's ok for them to get irritated sometimes. And maybe he was irritated because he remembered it was his mother's birthday and he forgot to call her, or he had a toothache or he is a little fed up that his patients always get bent out of shape about the telephone thing - think of *your* job and that one thing that just drives you nuts.
Here's my take on it: to figure out if it's real or transference, you've got to talk to your shrink about it, and you need a shrink who isn't too defensive. They aren't *supposed* to let their feelings interfere, but sometimes they do, of COURSE they do. They are human, the poor things.
That's my idea on the subject. My T is great about this, and can be really honest.
It's part of his/her job to talk about this and be honest.
Hope this helps.
ShortE
Posted by sunny10 on November 22, 2004, at 17:52:54
In reply to Re: What's real vs. what's transference? » rockymtnhi, posted by Shortelise on November 21, 2004, at 20:01:03
sounds like great advice SE !
i think I need to do that more, too...
Posted by rockymtnhi on November 22, 2004, at 18:08:38
In reply to Re: What's real vs. what's transference? » rockymtnhi, posted by Shortelise on November 21, 2004, at 20:01:03
I appreciate all of your feedback. It's nice to be able to run this by people who understand. Thank you so much.
Posted by Susan47 on November 23, 2004, at 10:26:28
In reply to Re: What's real vs. what's transference?thanks, posted by rockymtnhi on November 22, 2004, at 18:08:38
ShortElise, read your post and have to say I think your understanding of therapy and transference is true for me; and I've been raised with so much fear that I used to transfer to *everybody*, men and women alike, and it stopped mne from living my own life, because of course everything I did was perceived, in my mind, as being wrong somehow.
My therapist was defensive, even though he stated that he wasn't; there were certain things he wasn't comfortable with, but I just never did figure out what they were.
He wrote me a letter a while back, and it was extremely defensive and full of transference of his own, although I could tell he tried very hard not to give that impression .. very strict along the guidelines, much like a lawyer. I pull it out once in a while, when I'm feeling strong about myself, and I read it for interest' sake. He never did send me a proper letter of termination, what he sent me was a missive of self-defence and arm's-length pushing-away. Even in his letter, he never did go into any detail about why he terminated me, he couldn't bring himself to be honest about it, whatever it was, and the closest he ever came to telling me was this, "The way you are, the way I am". What is a patient supposed to *infer* from that??? It could literally include any possibility within the frame of human interaction. And of course, a patient in transference (AND gg was right, he transferred too, although I wasn't willing to see that in the summer) is going through many types of interaction, in her head.
This is the end of the thread.
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