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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by saw on November 17, 2004, at 0:45:16
In reply to Might be a trigger it's about children, posted by Susan47 on November 16, 2004, at 21:18:57
I identify with this Susan. I love my son dearly. He is the most precious child and I don't deserve him. But I so often wish he would just leave me alone. I have found that my depression has made me very claustrophobic of his love for me and when he wants to hug me, I push him away. I constantly feel guilty about this but do not have the energy to deal with the guilt right now.
I cannot have anymore children by choice and after a day of grieving for what might have been with my new husband, I have never regretted my decision.
I wish I knew why I pushed the poor little thing away when I love him so much. Just doesn't make sense to me.
Sabrina
Posted by sunny10 on November 17, 2004, at 8:10:25
In reply to Might be a trigger it's about children, posted by Susan47 on November 16, 2004, at 21:18:57
check out my response to Froso on Depression and Genetics thread above.
Trust me, you are not alone with this line of thinking...
Posted by JenStar on November 17, 2004, at 9:33:38
In reply to Might be a trigger it's about children, posted by Susan47 on November 16, 2004, at 21:18:57
Susan,
I think every mom feels that way sometimes! (Or else they're not human.) I mean, kids are WORK. They're not easy, they're not clean, they're not agreeable always. They're dirty and loud and smelly and irritating. They take you away from adult concerns, coffee, TV you want to see, books you want to read, museums, career, etc. They immerse you in a world of bubble gum and he said/she said and acting up and talking back.Of course they also give hugs and smiles and joy for the future...and fullfillment. But they're not at all easy, and for people whose lives are stretched thin with work and depression and family and car payments and &&....sometimes the kids can push you to the snapping point.
Don't feel bad for feeling this way! Just don't take it out on the kids.
Probably for you, MORE time with them would make it better. If you only see them a few times a week, it's possible that more 'immersion' would help you all work together better and smooth our the rough patches. You might get more accustomed to managing YOU and THEM at the same time.
And don't forget that when you get over whatever is it you're mad about...you'll be loving them again and thanking the universe for giving you the little gems. :)
I bet you're NOT a terrible mother! Give yourself a bit more credit. Come on...tell us some of the nice things you all do together?
take care. Things will get better. Smile.
JenStar
Posted by daisym on November 17, 2004, at 23:56:18
In reply to Might be a trigger it's about children, posted by Susan47 on November 16, 2004, at 21:18:57
The most important thing is that they know you love them. If you tell them often, that is what they will remember...not the other stuff. Believe me, no one really wants a perfect parent, they want a real one, with flaws and everything. Hugs can heal an enormous amount of hurt.
Don't be too hard on yourself. You probably need a hug too.
Posted by Susan47 on November 18, 2004, at 1:48:55
In reply to Re: Might be a trigger it's about children » Susan47, posted by saw on November 17, 2004, at 0:45:16
How old is your son?
Posted by Susan47 on November 18, 2004, at 2:03:54
In reply to Re: Might be a trigger it's about children » Susan47, posted by JenStar on November 17, 2004, at 9:33:38
Read aloud, drink hot chocolate, eat Lindt chocolate bars while playing Monopoly, crib, (I refuse to play chess so B has to play with his sister), what else, all kinds of games really, we love games, We like card games and board games alike, and the one with the dice, Yahtzee. Risk is one of our favourites. Oh, and do you know Mancala? That's really fun. Ew, and Labyrinth, I guess that has to be our favourite right now.
PS I don't find kids, any kids, disgusting or irritating. Sometimes they can be smelly but that's never their fault. So I don't find it turns me away from them, it just makes me feel sorry. I love kids. I just have some trouble with my attention span lately, I know it's been like this for years now but actually it's been getting a bit better lately, at least it's better when I actually get two days off in a row, from work.
Posted by Susan47 on November 18, 2004, at 2:08:23
In reply to Re: Might be a trigger it's about children » Susan47, posted by daisym on November 17, 2004, at 23:56:18
I know that's true, I do need a hug for sure. But it wouldnt' mean anything without love attached so a hug's not much to fill what's wrong. I get tons of hugs from my children, that's really all I need. I wish, though, that I wouldn't get so irritated by their constant needs. I know they're happy, much happier than I have a right to expect. I don't know why, what the glue is that holds them together, and us, our relationship, but something's doing that. They're at their dad's tonight I'll see them in the morning and take them to school (tuck them in there, so to speak) then go to work and won't see them again till Friday morning. Twenty-four hours isn't too bad, but it's the forty-eight that still really hurt me.
Posted by saw on November 18, 2004, at 4:25:06
In reply to Saw, posted by Susan47 on November 18, 2004, at 1:48:55
He's 7 next month. Oh pooh! Bad Mom! He is such a sweety and doesn't deserve to be hurt by me like that.
Posted by sunny10 on November 18, 2004, at 9:16:13
In reply to Re: Saw » Susan47, posted by saw on November 18, 2004, at 4:25:06
Whenever you get one iota of energy, hug him. Tell him you love him. Bake cookies together, read him a book, have HIM read YOU a book.
Talk to a child psychologist about how to discuss your illness with him in age appropriate doses as he grows.
I'm sorry to say, but this will feel like more work to you. But this work you do will break the depression chain on the "nurture" side. If there are chemical issues passed along, you will have taught him coping skills, self-esteem, and given him an inner core of strength to deal with that later.
That core is what I am missing, and it is one reasons I am "butting" in. The other reason is that I waited too long to get my son into therapy for his own issues and I didn't do things right by making sure that he knew things about me in age appropriate doses. And I am having a very hard time dealing with my own guilt and watching my son have a very hard time dealing with himself and his relationship with me. I think I mentioned that he now lives with his father? He chose to live with his father, with his prior alcoholic, screaming, blacking out, father rather than live with me...
I don't want to hurt or offend, here, I'm just trying to offer my past as "what NOT to do"...
-suuny10
Posted by JenStar on November 18, 2004, at 15:49:07
In reply to JenStar, some of the nice things we do together, posted by Susan47 on November 18, 2004, at 2:03:54
see, it definitely sounds like you do some great things with them! :) Keep focusing on the positive. I know it's tough in general to stay positive, esp. if things are difficult, but I can tell that you have lots of fun & vivacious happiness in you too. I bet your kids really appreciate that about you.
take care,
JenStar
Posted by Dinah on November 18, 2004, at 17:48:34
In reply to Re: Might be a trigger it's about children » Susan47, posted by JenStar on November 17, 2004, at 9:33:38
> Susan,
> I think every mom feels that way sometimes! (Or else they're not human.) I mean, kids are WORK. They're not easy, they're not clean, they're not agreeable always. They're dirty and loud and smelly and irritating.Boy, you should meet my son. He'd scare you. He's cleaner than me, as quiet, less irritating, more agreeable. He's too good. I worry.
Posted by Susan47 on November 18, 2004, at 19:27:44
In reply to Re: Saw, posted by sunny10 on November 18, 2004, at 9:16:13
How old is your son? Are you and sabrina and I all the same person? Or what?
Posted by Susan47 on November 18, 2004, at 19:34:10
In reply to Re: Saw, posted by sunny10 on November 18, 2004, at 9:16:13
I thought your advice was excellent, and if I could raise my 21 year-old again, I would do it all without trying to hide who I was .. because now I see him trying to hide who he really is, too, and being really hurt by that. Same way I was. I'm trying to have honest discussions with him about it now, but he does say he's worried about me (just because of who I am, apparently) and he's having an awful lot of trouble allowing himself to be who he is. He's afraid of finding out who he is. Well, maybe now though he has a chance, because of decisions he's made recently. Parenthood is the ultimate guilt trip.
Posted by saw on November 19, 2004, at 1:13:38
In reply to Sunny10, posted by Susan47 on November 18, 2004, at 19:34:10
I realise now that I sound like and ice cold, emotionless mom. I'm not. I actually share a truly beautiful relationship with my little boy. We must hug about 10 times a day. He is forever trying to kiss me. He LOVES playing with my hair and likes to go to sleep at night stroking it. For absolutely no reason, he will come up behind me, throw his arms around my waist, lay his head on my stomach and say "I will never stop loving you mom". He is just as affectionate with his mimi. (my mom). He never leaves for school or we never talk on the phone and never goes to sleep at night without me saying I love him. We colour in together, we sing together, I have taught him computer literacy and we do all sorts on the computer together. He reads his current school book to me every night.
So saying all of that, I guess I am just angry with myself for wanting to be left alone. That sometimes I am feeling hot, or bothered, or my head is just too loud and I feel smothered and claustrophobic if "hangs" on to me.
But I will take your advice Sunny, and seek help on the correct way to inform him of my illness. My husband may be against it, but I think the poor little guy will have a better understanding of why I can get so cross when all he did was bump his cup of tea over. And all the pills might make sense. Good grief, how many vitamins can one mom take?
Have I made sense?
I also do spend way to much time and energy on the fact that he may have inherited biological father's bad genes. But that's another issue.
Sabrina
(Parenting on psychology now too. Wish that parenting board could happen. Sigh)
Posted by saw on November 19, 2004, at 1:15:13
In reply to Sunny10,, posted by Susan47 on November 18, 2004, at 19:27:44
Smiling!!!!
Susan, your last post shows that you are a wonderful mom!! A guilt trip it certainly is!!
Sabrina
Posted by sunny10 on November 19, 2004, at 8:27:29
In reply to Re: Sunny10, » Susan47, posted by saw on November 19, 2004, at 1:15:13
Hmmm, sounds like you can tell that to yourself, too!!!
I would say our biggest problem is that we worry too GD much !!!
And, no, you didn't sound ice cold at all! The mere fact that you brought it up means that you care !
Posted by sunny10 on November 19, 2004, at 8:29:58
In reply to Sunny10,, posted by Susan47 on November 18, 2004, at 19:27:44
Now you see why I was freakin' out a little yesterday... We DO seem a lot alike..
But mine's 13. Certainly not making any babies... God Lord, is your 21 yr old ready for all that?
Then again, sigh, that's the norm for fifty years ago...And we know more about it to help!
Posted by Susan47 on November 19, 2004, at 23:15:16
In reply to I didn't express myself properly, posted by saw on November 19, 2004, at 1:13:38
What a wonderful idea, has anyone approached DB about it yet? Should we, if we haven't?
Posted by Susan47 on November 19, 2004, at 23:17:50
In reply to I didn't express myself properly, posted by saw on November 19, 2004, at 1:13:38
You're being a bit hard on yourself, IMO, Sabrina.
You sound like someone with problems, like I have too, who's being honest and loving and caring enough about her kid to be honest with him about who she is, so perhaps he can avoid some of the pain she's experiencing now.
Big Hugs (((Sabrina)))
Posted by Susan47 on November 19, 2004, at 23:19:21
In reply to Re: Sunny10,, posted by sunny10 on November 19, 2004, at 8:29:58
it to help?
Posted by sunny10 on November 20, 2004, at 9:26:48
In reply to Sunny, what did you mean that we know more about, posted by Susan47 on November 19, 2004, at 23:19:21
You do, after all, have 21 years experience from which to offer help, right??
And we are more concerned about the emotional health of the kids than just being the buttinski grandmother telling the parents that they're not doing anything right because the kid needs to eat brusselsprouts or some crap like that. Like OUR parents' generation...
My father STILL doesn't believe in chemical depression!
Posted by Susan47 on November 20, 2004, at 13:08:28
In reply to Re: Sunny, what did you mean that we know more abo, posted by sunny10 on November 20, 2004, at 9:26:48
Neither does mine, silly silly man. He's smart, but emotionally blind.
Posted by saw on November 22, 2004, at 1:51:22
In reply to parenting board, Sabrina, posted by Susan47 on November 19, 2004, at 23:15:16
I'm a beggin and a pleadin on admin right now but don't think Dr Bob wants to.
:(
Posted by Susan47 on November 22, 2004, at 10:58:58
In reply to Re: parenting board, Sabrina » Susan47, posted by saw on November 22, 2004, at 1:51:22
He's probably overwhelmed ... too bad.
Posted by Susan47 on November 22, 2004, at 11:02:30
In reply to Re: parenting board, Sabrina, posted by Susan47 on November 22, 2004, at 10:58:58
Sometimes I think DB didn't know what he was getting into...
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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