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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 21 of 21. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by littleone on November 11, 2004, at 15:14:08
I'm working through an Inner Child workbook at the moment and something really jumped out at me yesterday. It says:
"Allow yourself to ponder the thought that if your body were a child, what kind of care would that child be receiving from you. The way you treat your body is probably most linked to the way you were treated as an infant because your body is similarly dependent upon you to meet its needs."
I started thinking about this and just became horribly depressed. I'm a horrible mother. It's lucky I don't have actual kids.
I cut. I pick. I punish. I stuff food into myself whether I need it or not. About half my diet is chocolate. I isolate my body from other people (I don't allow hugs/touches/whatever). I don't treat my body very nicely sexually. I take all my bad emotions and store them as tension in my muscles.
I'm surprised it has stuck around with me for as long as it has.
And it's probably not even my body that I'm trying to abuse. I would be trying to abuse *me*. But my body is a convenient physical target.
Isn't it sad that I always try to treat others so nicely, but then I abuse myself so badly - physically and mentally.
Posted by Poet on November 11, 2004, at 15:44:24
In reply to I'm a horrible mother to my body *trigger*, posted by littleone on November 11, 2004, at 15:14:08
Hi Littleone,
I'm sorry you are hurting so bad. Please try not to think that you are a horrible mother to your inner child, you just do/did things to yourself that you thought would let some pain out.
I wish I had a way to get you to start treating yourself physically and emotionally as well as you treat others, but I don't have that magic answer. If I ever find it, I will share it.
(((Littleone)))
Poet
Posted by daisym on November 11, 2004, at 19:41:31
In reply to Re: I'm a horrible mother to my body *trigger*, posted by Poet on November 11, 2004, at 15:44:24
Your post made me really sad. Often we act out in these ways because words just can't convey how badly we are hurting. It is difficult to take care of something you don't love. You need to learn to love yourself.
It sounds like you have a huge capacity to love. Don't short change yourself by deciding it will always be like this, forever and ever. Keep working on self acceptance. Be nice to yourself in small ways. None of this is easy.
And, chocolate is an essential food group. Never forget that!
Posted by Susan47 on November 11, 2004, at 22:05:32
In reply to I'm a horrible mother to my body *trigger*, posted by littleone on November 11, 2004, at 15:14:08
There's hope, I know because until you're actually dead there's always hope. I learned and still am learning to take care of my body, it was just the last few months that I started and aside from the fact that my antidepressant is pot (average two puffs several times a day) I'm proud of my achievements. In the area of learning how to be kind to myself. You can do it too. It's actual learning, though, so remember to be serious about it. :]
Posted by Aphrodite on November 12, 2004, at 7:36:09
In reply to I'm a horrible mother to my body *trigger*, posted by littleone on November 11, 2004, at 15:14:08
I know what you mean. It's so easy to abuse ourselves physically when we feel so terribly about ourselves emotionally. Your awareness of this might change things. It isn't that you'll stop doing these things today, but you'll be more mindful of *why* you are hurting yourself, and perhaps that awareness over time will help you stop. In the meantime, why don't you do something nice for your body? Since you have so much tension stored in your muscles, why don't indulge yourself with a massage? At the very least, slip yourself into a nice, warm bubble bath. It's never too late to start nurturing yourself.
Posted by shortelise on November 12, 2004, at 11:20:30
In reply to I'm a horrible mother to my body *trigger*, posted by littleone on November 11, 2004, at 15:14:08
This is a revalation to me. Thanks for posting it. It's something I needed to hear, needed to be aware of.
Is it better to call yourself a bad mother or to call your mother a bad mother? There is so much mourning to be done in all of that and I am so sorry... I hope you have someone to work through this with you.
The good news? That's me, always having to look for the good news.
The good news is now I am aware. Now I can look at how I treat my body from a new perspective.
Did you know it's best not to keep tomatoes in the fridge? It dulls their flavour and makes them mealy, and keeps them from ripening. You probably didn't know that. Does it make you a bad cook?
Thanks again little'un.
Hugs to that inner child of yours,
ShortE
Posted by sunny10 on November 12, 2004, at 11:57:09
In reply to Re: I'm a horrible mother to my body *trigger* » littleone, posted by shortelise on November 12, 2004, at 11:20:30
I can relate, too. I am unequivocally a better mother to my son than I am to myself.
I treat myself exactly the way my mother treated me...But I promised myself that I would break the chain and love my son, treat him with respect, and allow him dignity.
-sunny10
Posted by cubic_me on November 12, 2004, at 16:32:07
In reply to I'm a horrible mother to my body *trigger*, posted by littleone on November 11, 2004, at 15:14:08
That really made sense to me, and I've never heard a similar thing before. It seems we 'mother' ourselves in the same way. But it's never too late to change - my mum hasn't even heard of moisturiser, and here I am using it all the time (ok, so that's not really a change, but I like to think that small steps are the key!)
Posted by alexandra_k on November 12, 2004, at 16:40:21
In reply to I'm a horrible mother to my body *trigger*, posted by littleone on November 11, 2004, at 15:14:08
I give my body a pretty hard time too. Cigarettes, bout 30 a day; live on coffee and V and coke and junk food; I am allergic to exercise; I am a heavy drug user; I used cut and burn and so on and so forth... With the SI I figured it was about externalising the terrible pain that I felt inside. I well and truely hated myself and I hurt my body as an expression of that.
My DBT therapist used to say that I needed to learn how to be kind to myself. There isn't any point beating oneself up for beating oneself up! But we can do little things, little tiny steps of kindness. It is hard to know how when we have never been taught - but then it does seem to be something of a paradox that we are capable of treating others with a kindness that we don't allow for ourself.
Tiny steps. Why don't you try to do one nice thing for yourself everyday?
Posted by Susan47 on November 12, 2004, at 21:29:30
In reply to Re: I'm a horrible mother to my body *trigger* » littleone, posted by alexandra_k on November 12, 2004, at 16:40:21
What type of drug alexandra?
Posted by JenStar on November 12, 2004, at 21:48:28
In reply to Re: I'm a horrible mother to my body *trigger* » littleone, posted by alexandra_k on November 12, 2004, at 16:40:21
I think doing a nice thing for one-self every day is a great idea! :)
I'd like to propose tht we all take alexandra's suggestion and for the next week (at least!) -- do one nice thing for ourselves each day. Then we can post here what that thing was.
Would anyone be up for it?
Here's my thing for today:
I went to the gym and worked out. I'd been feeling flabby and gross, so I worked out. Then I ate a salad!!! Later on I had popcorn and cookies, but I still felt good about working out. I plan to go tomorrow, too.
:) How about you all? WHat nice thing did you do for yourself today?
JenStar
Posted by Susan47 on November 12, 2004, at 22:22:33
In reply to taking Alexandra_k's suggestion! » alexandra_k, posted by JenStar on November 12, 2004, at 21:48:28
I'm going to curl up in bed in a few minutes with my book and read about thirty pages then go to sleep. Also, sprayed Oscar on my neck today, that's the perfume nothing else.
Posted by alexandra_k on November 13, 2004, at 3:17:18
In reply to taking Alexandra_k's suggestion! » alexandra_k, posted by JenStar on November 12, 2004, at 21:48:28
Something nice, something nice.
Ok. I shall eat breakfast tomorrow.
Either two pieces of toast with vegemite
Or a bowl of cornflakes.Thats gotta be better than two cigarettes and a cup of coffee / coke :-)
Posted by cubic_me on November 13, 2004, at 6:42:51
In reply to Re: taking Alexandra_k's suggestion!, posted by Susan47 on November 12, 2004, at 22:22:33
I've just put nail hardener on my fingernails. I'm trying really hard to stop biting them, and this is the first time in 10 years it seems to be working.
Posted by alexandra_k on November 13, 2004, at 16:45:49
In reply to Re: taking Alexandra_k's suggestion!, posted by cubic_me on November 13, 2004, at 6:42:51
Hey there, I am a nail biter from way back. I tried and tried to stop biting them with very little success but now I know the one thing that works for me: Acrylic.
It takes the better part of a day to glue them and shape them and paint them but they stay on for a couple of weeks once you get the hang of it. I wasn't sure whether I would actually like long nails so I gave acrylics a go to figure that out and I realised that I loved the tap tap tapping noises I could make :-) Took me a couple of days to get the hang of zippers though...
Good luck with growing them.
Beware the foul tasting stuff as it gets on sandwiches and fruit.
Posted by Pfinstegg on November 14, 2004, at 7:55:25
In reply to Nail biting » cubic_me, posted by alexandra_k on November 13, 2004, at 16:45:49
This is a nice thread. It's so easy to forget to do those good little things which send ourselves a message that we are worth it. Yesterday I put olive oil all over my hair (it's very dry) for five hours while I got our garden ready for winter. Then I washed it, and it's actually a bit shiny for the moment!
Posted by cubic_me on November 14, 2004, at 13:09:48
In reply to Nail biting » cubic_me, posted by alexandra_k on November 13, 2004, at 16:45:49
> Beware the foul tasting stuff as it gets on sandwiches and fruit.I've experienced that - not being able to lick your fingers when eating a doughnut - yuk!!!
I'll go for acrylic if I really can't grow them, tho I need them fairly short as I do alot of work with horses and long nails get in the way.
I can do the 'tap tap' all on my own now - and I do it all the time!
Posted by alexandra_k on November 14, 2004, at 19:50:36
In reply to Re: Nail biting » alexandra_k, posted by cubic_me on November 14, 2004, at 13:09:48
Yeah, I find it hard to type when they get too long. They have a habit of slipping off the keys and kind of getting stuck under / behind them.
> I can do the 'tap tap' all on my own now - and I do it all the time!
Wow, I'm impressed! Sounds like you are doing really well! I always intend to keep up with the acrylics and grow my nails out from under them but then when one falls off I take them all off and have a good munch for a few days till I get round to doing them again.
In fact I am munching as I write this...
Posted by underthewave on November 16, 2004, at 9:50:09
In reply to Re: I'm a horrible mother to my body *trigger* » littleone, posted by alexandra_k on November 12, 2004, at 16:40:21
> I give my body a pretty hard time too. Cigarettes, bout 30 a day; live on coffee and V and coke and junk food; I am allergic to exercise; I am a heavy drug user; I used cut and burn and so on and so forth... With the SI I figured it was about externalising the terrible pain that I felt inside. I well and truely hated myself and I hurt my body as an expression of that.
WOW! This is me. I am so abusive to my body. Nailbiting to the extreme - picking, chewing, biting until they bleed. I also have an ED which usually goes hand in hand with SI (which I gave up thank God). I also dabble in drug use and smoke too many cigs. I guess it's a way of punishing myself for how horrible I think I am. Sometimes it's the only way to not feel numb all of the time. As for the drug use, for me it represents the only way to escape the "uncomfortableness of me"
Posted by littleone on November 16, 2004, at 15:27:52
In reply to I'm a horrible mother to my body *trigger*, posted by littleone on November 11, 2004, at 15:14:08
Thank you all for your responses. Sorry I can't respond individually. Sometimes I get really antsy and just want to run away. But please know that I appreciated all your comments.
I did take your advice and got a massage. I know that I get very tight in the middle of my back, so I told her to concentrate on that area. But she did other places too anyway and I was just flabbergastered to realise I was tense there too. One place was the muscles along the outside of my b*tt. How could you get tense there? It just sits around all day!
Posted by alexandra_k on November 17, 2004, at 23:48:21
In reply to Re: I'm a horrible mother to my body *trigger* » alexandra_k, posted by underthewave on November 16, 2004, at 9:50:09
Yup. When I went to DBT group a couple of years ago I was suprised at how many of us there were! I thought I was unique in that respect. I too give my nails and skin around them a pretty hard time and have done ever since I can remember. My mother has this habit too, of tearing the skin off the tops of her fingers.
I find it interesting to hear peoples reasons for SI. Things have progressed a long way from the 'cry for help' 'attention seeking' assumption, thank god. I am ashamed of it but I think that it was just an attempt to externalise / express my pain; and in a funny way the endorphins (?) help one feel better too.
I haven't SI'd since a major attempt a couple of years ago. It is kind of cliched how people talk about the nearness of death bringing one closer to life but in my case it was true. I haven't even had urges since then. If I think of doing it in any detail I just feel sick. I feel so very lucky about that because I remember how hard it was to fight urges. But now I think I get more feelings of hopelessness because SI was something that helped. I don't know what I have replaced it with. It is funny how we can learn more 'socially acceptable' ways of SI. Makes me wonder just how much I have changed / progressed after all.
This is the end of the thread.
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