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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by shrinking violet on October 19, 2004, at 19:44:54
This topic has been on my mind for a while now, especially since I quit with my T last week:
How does your T handle silences (if applicable)? And, what is your opinion about the way your T handles the situation?
Thanks!
-SV
Posted by Pfinstegg on October 19, 2004, at 20:26:11
In reply to how does your T handle silences?, posted by shrinking violet on October 19, 2004, at 19:44:54
He comments on them, saying things like, "you seem afraid suddenly", or "it seems peaceful right now". These make it easy for me to keep on.
Posted by mair on October 19, 2004, at 20:43:51
In reply to how does your T handle silences?, posted by shrinking violet on October 19, 2004, at 19:44:54
My T usually takes me off the hook either by guessing at what i want to say (usually guessing wrong I might add) or maybe asking me another question.
We've discussed this at different times. I think she's learned that it's better sometimes for her not to jump in - that I need to be pushed to stay on a difficult topic. However, I've also had to learn not to be as upset about my own inability to communicate - to be comfortable with the silences too, or at least to be comfortable explaining them. Instead of letting them persist, sometimes I'll tell her that I'm having an anxiety reaction which means that my mind starts racing so I'm unable to stay with any thought for very long - or that I just can't address a difficult question - the "I don't want to go there" response. She'll start talking around the topic, whatever it is, and sometimes we really do stay away from it, or talking around it buys me enough time to be able to find a way to say whatever I was avoiding to begin with.
God - what an obtuse answer!
How did your T handle silences?
Mair
Posted by crushedout on October 19, 2004, at 22:27:31
In reply to Re: how does your T handle silences?, posted by mair on October 19, 2004, at 20:43:51
That wasn't obtuse! I thought it was really clear and interesting, too, I might add.My T usually gets quiet with me, tries to let me break the silence, but eventually breaks it by asking me what I'm feeling or thinking. I think that sometimes stumps me, because often when I'm silent it's because I can't figure out what I'm feeling or thinking, or what I want to talk about, or else I'm finding what I want to talk about too hard.
Posted by daisym on October 20, 2004, at 0:10:13
In reply to how does your T handle silences?, posted by shrinking violet on October 19, 2004, at 19:44:54
I use to really, really hate silence, it was so threatening. I needed to find something to say, anything that would block out the thoughts that were usually crowding in. I'm sure this was left over from the "what do you have to say for yourself?!" demands from childhood.
I realized today that I can tolerate sitting for a few minutes in silence. I watched the rain against the windows, watched the leaves blowing, noticed the warmth of his office, and felt SAFE.
He gives me lots of room to feel things, but he will also ask gentle questions if I seem to be struggling to get something out. He is only really vigilent about silence if I don't seem to be there are more. He usually asks, "are you going away?" or more directly, "where did you go?" Today he asked me to breathe myself back down into my body because it was so obvious that I wasn't there anymore.
So I guess silence is like so many other things in therapy. The response it gets depends on the reason it exists.
Posted by Dinah on October 20, 2004, at 1:56:09
In reply to how does your T handle silences?, posted by shrinking violet on October 19, 2004, at 19:44:54
I think I'm rarely silent, unless I'm "going away" or shutting down. Or maybe I never notice silences except then. I'm fairly likely to comment on the process if I'm just thinking or struggling to find words, either by saying so or by gesturing.
But if things get too intense for me, I'll go really quiet and I've asked him to talk to me at those times to keep me with him and on topic. He's pretty good about doing that. He's also pretty good about figuring out when I need that or when I'm just thinking.
There are a few times when I'm quiet for some reason, and I want him to break the silence. I get sort of angry when he doesn't. But I know he likes me to be responsible for my therapy, so eventually I say something - if only to ask him to say something.
Posted by vwoolf on October 20, 2004, at 11:00:19
In reply to how does your T handle silences?, posted by shrinking violet on October 19, 2004, at 19:44:54
I often can't stand the tension of silence, and my mind wanders into really arbitrary places. Sometimes when I fall silent, I will gaze up at the cobwebs in the corner of the room, and my T will also stay silent. Sometimes however she will try to keep eye contact with me - you know those endless stares. I immediately start thinking that she thinks she is looking deep into my soul, but actually she is just looking into the mud of my eyeballs. Usually at these moments she has no idea what is going on inside me - in fact I am usually thinking about my library books, or the dog's meal, while she thinks I'm going really deep. A few years ago I used to advise a psychologist about her business habits. She obviously hated coming to see me, because she had no idea about budgets etc, and she used to try the long stare technique with me. It used to drive me mad, because it was completely inappropriate in that context. Every time my T does it to me now, I think back to those awful meetings. I have told her about it, and she says that obviously I am hating that moment and feeling uncomfortable. Gee, you could have fooled me!
Posted by Poet on October 20, 2004, at 12:08:04
In reply to how does your T handle silences?, posted by shrinking violet on October 19, 2004, at 19:44:54
Hi SV,
There is lots of silence in my sessions. Sometimes she just imitates what I'm doing: body language, facial expression. Other times she says *oh, oh I hit something you don't want to talk about, what do you want to talk about?* She also does guided imagery, last session that's what she suggested to break the silence. Better than talking I say.
Poet
Posted by Skittles on October 20, 2004, at 18:28:33
In reply to Re: how does your T handle silences? » shrinking violet, posted by Poet on October 20, 2004, at 12:08:04
My T has imitated my body language and facial expressions before when I've been silent. What is the purpose of this? I personally don't like it at all. I feel like I'm being mocked and that I must be very unpleasant to be around, so I try to think of something to say so SHE'LL feel better. What's up with that?
Posted by Poet on October 21, 2004, at 18:48:01
In reply to Re: Silence and imitation » Poet, posted by Skittles on October 20, 2004, at 18:28:33
Hi Skittles,
I don't really like it much either, but sometimes she does make me laugh when I must be giving her a realy dirty look.
I seem to remember in a long ago customer service training that if you mimic the gestures and body language of an irate customer it calms them down. They think you are showing empathy. I never did it because I was afraid they'd accuse me of imitating them and punch me in the face.
It's probably something to break the silence, which it does, but most of the time I'm like you, I break the silence to get her to stop doing it.
Poet
Posted by Skittles on October 21, 2004, at 19:57:26
In reply to Re: Silence and imitation » Skittles, posted by Poet on October 21, 2004, at 18:48:01
This is the end of the thread.
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