![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Klokka on September 18, 2004, at 13:17:45
When my pdoc was on vacation, I remember being terrified that when he returned, things would be very different, that somehow he would have changed and wouldn't be safe anymore. I'm starting to wonder whether that isn't exactly what happened.
The first session back was awkward, but only because I hadn't seen him in five weeks and so much had happened in that time. It went well considering that, though. He even took my admission that I had done a search for him online and found something he wrote - about me, no less, which he confirmed - very well. But maybe he really was angry about it, because between then and know he seems to have had such a shift in attitude.
The session started off normally enough, but then he decided to describe a scenario and ask me what sort of feelings it brought up in me. I joked a bit about him assuming that I would have stayed in the situation as long as his scenario implied, then said I didn't know, that I felt in pain and overwhelmed and a bit triggered but couldn't identify anything else. He said that I felt that way because I couldn't tolerate the feelings it did bring up - which makes sense - and that with time I would be able to tolerate them. He then admitted, too, that he was pushing me more than usual. (It was worse because at one point he started referring to the other person in the scenarion in the 1st person, which didn't exactly help with the whole trust issue!)
Somehow from there I got to mentioning how difficult therapy was, how I often felt like if I just stopped going and thinking of all the painful things brought up there, I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore... of course, acknowledging that I knew things don't quite work that way. I noticed at this point that I had the chair turned away from him more than I usually do - I normally have it so that I can either look at him or away without trouble, but yesterday I was sitting so that looking at him was uncomfortable. I spent most of the time looking at the wall behind where my chair was placed. I mentioned how worried I was that I wouldn't be able to see him due to school next semester, or wouldn't be referred elsewhere for therapy when I turn 18 next year, and that I'd just fall apart... and he refused to address it when it's perfectly relevant to what's going on now - because how can I keep working and being honest in therapy when I'm terrified I'm dragging myself to my doom? He just said that that's why he's pushing me so hard now; in the hope that in the year (or less) we have left things will improve. That's not really answering my concern, though! He went on to say that the deeper we got into my issues, the more I would want to hurt myself and push him away, and I wonder now whether either action would make a difference. He doesn't seem to care that therapy (especially with more challenging) might have this effect, nor does he seem willing to offer any suggestions for preventing either problem. I was very uncomfortable and kept looking away, and at one point he said "You can cry, you know," followed by something else which I couldn't quite make out... only it was in an oddly harsh tone of voice. I don't really know why that upset me, but it did.
Soon after that, my pdoc went into this story about some detective show where the main character appeared very dumb but by the end of each episode had the criminal pretty much trapped. He then compared me to that criminal... I see the point he's trying to make, but ick! Couldn't he come up with a better analogy? It's not as though I think of him as dumb, though I acknowledge I probably act like it... I've noticed myself rolling my eyes when he mentions anything about a story or a series of questions. What he may not know is that's more out of a feeling of "Oh, (censored.) What now?" and I'm very well aware that there's likely a point involved which I won't like!
We then discussed how I felt about myself (not well, to say the least) and I think that discussion extended past the normal end-of-session time. It was so awkward, because he kept asking me questions and it was a relatively intense topic, and I saw that the session should be over and wondered if he even realized! I eventually pointed it out, and he was genuinely surprised. Somehow we still ended up talking a bit about my week, and I tried to bring up how upsetting an experiment in class was, but he didn't pick up on it and just kept talking about how fascinating he found the subject. (We had to examine a vial of what smelled like cologne in Theory of Knowledge to show how subjective sensory experience can be... the smell of the liquid in the vial made me feel instantly uncomfortable, seemed to bring up an unpleasant memory which I couldn't quite get at, and that sick, uncomfortable feeling hasn't gone away.) Then he asked if I had anything to say before I left, and I wanted so badly to say SOMETHING, anything, but I couldn't put my finger on it, only that I was in so much pain and wanted him to know but didn't know how to say it. I said I didn't, we discussed an upcoming Friday (not the next Friday, but the one after) when he'll be on call and might not be able to see me, and I felt so anxious about it. I might even decide to miss class one day that week to avoid the uncertainty, if I can... it was such an odd feeling to sit there torn between wanting to cling to him and thinking "Get away from me, jerk!"
I just don't know what to do. It doesn't feel safe to speak to him anymore. He also keeps talking about "preparing for the winter" (I have SAD), but doesn't he realize from me saying that it tends to start in August/September for me and my statements of being in pain constantly that "winter" is already here? He just doesn't seem to get it and I don't know how to get it across without resorting to things I shouldn't do. Maybe he really is angry at me. I was more blunt about whether I believed him about certain things (for example, I don't believe he means it when he says he doesn't see that I'm so awful), but can't he see how hard it is to be honest about it at all?
I also find I'm really upset that he didn't bring in something (related to the post he made about me which I stumbled across) he said I could see last week... it's the second time this happened (the first was with some proof that light therapy might be effective), so I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but it's really bothering me. How should I bring it up? I feel like I can't trust him at all - not only is he inconsistent, but he doesn't seem safe to talk to. So how can I trust him?
Sorry this is so long and that I haven't been posting much. I've been lurking and keep wanting to offer a few words of support, and then feeling like I sound obnoxious and deciding not to... it's odd how my fear of sounding obnoxious or offending others often leads to me doing that very thing. I guess I'm being a bit harsh with my pdoc, but this is how I see things right now... though the more I write about it, the less vicious his behaviour seems. I just keep hoping that this is a one-time occurence like the last time I was upset by his actions. I know I need to tell him how it affected me, though, because it may have been dangerous had I not had a restful evening at youth group. It's just a matter of getting up the courage to do so right away or there won't be time to get into it... I can't decide whether I'm anxious for Friday or just dreading it.
Posted by Poet on September 18, 2004, at 14:33:18
In reply to Rough session (long), posted by Klokka on September 18, 2004, at 13:17:45
Hi Klokka,
I think seeing your pdoc for the first time after a five week gap would be tough on anyone. I think you're being way too hard on yourself.
If something is hard to talk about with my therapist I look away or cover my face with a pillow. Maybe that you couldn't keep eye contact was a defense mechanism and your pdoc would have known this even if he didn't say it outloud.
Trust is hard to maintain especially after weeks of not seeing your therapist. It might take time to rebuild it, hopefully your pdoc will realize that, too.
If you are comfortable calling your pdoc, I would call and remind him to have the copy of his post about you on Friday. It might have just slipped his mind.
Take care of yourself and try not to worry too much about Friday's possible session. I know, easy for me to say, especially because I plan ahead what I want to talk about in therapy.
Poet
Posted by Pfinstegg on September 18, 2004, at 16:42:42
In reply to Rough session (long), posted by Klokka on September 18, 2004, at 13:17:45
The way you have described the session, it really sounds to me as if there were some shortcomings on your T's part. He didn't exactly empathize with your feelings or validate them. He introduced topics and scenarios of his own choosing. T's don't usually do that, and his sounded aggressive in nature. He pressed you an awful lot. We don't always get to have completely ideal sessions with our Ts, but this one didn't seem to be a helpful one at all. I think you're very wise to trust your own instincts. I think we all are willing to endure a lot of pain and stress with our Ts if we are sure that we are safe with them. It might be a good idea to gather all the outside support you can, and take a good look over the next few weeks at whether this T is a good fit for you. I know you are in school, but, if he isn't right for you, there will be other options. If he is right for you, you should know it within a few sessions.
Posted by Dinah on September 18, 2004, at 20:48:18
In reply to Rough session (long), posted by Klokka on September 18, 2004, at 13:17:45
And it might be appropriate in your case because you know your therapist has been seeking outside supervision on how best to treat you.
One time I noticed over the course of a few sessions that my therapist's approach had markedly changed. So at the beginning of the next session, I pointed out to him the exact changes I had noticed and asked if he had been to a seminar or discussed my case in supervision and decided to change tactics. I told him it was his right to do what was professionally appropriate of course, but that I would like to please be informed of any change in his treatment plan so that we could discuss how the changes would affect me and I could respond accordingly. He laughed and said he didn't think he had made a decision to behave differently. But since his behavior then went back to normal, I wonder if he had subconsciously decided to do something different, and my mentioning it had made him aware of it too.
Or sometimes they just have a bad day and are ornery, just like the rest of us. You might give it a session or two to see if it sticks before saying anything.
Posted by shortelise on September 18, 2004, at 22:07:50
In reply to Rough session (long), posted by Klokka on September 18, 2004, at 13:17:45
When I read what you write, all I can think is that you are deep in the process, that things seem so twisted, that you are so engaged in your relationship with your T, how he feels about you what you say to him, how you feel about him, and I think it's "good".
Maybe I think it's good beacause I have a really good psychiatrist with whom I have traversed similar terrain and who has helped me enormously.
Often I have had to say things to him that I thought might insult him, ask him question about how he treats me, what he meant, why he did or did not do certain things, etc. At first, when I didn't dare challenge him, he's say to me, "go on, I can take it." And he could, he always did, and he never got angry at me, though on many occasions I thought he was angry, thought he hated me, thought he believed I am stupid, all sorts of stuff. I'd say to him I think you're angry at me, and he'd ask why, and I'd tell him, and he tell me what it was he was feeling, and I'd challenge it, ask him why he - whatever - and he stayed with me, listened, responded.
If I were preceiving from my T what you are perceiving from yours, I'd tell him. Every last bit, every last feeling, observation, etc. At times I've written to him, short and sweet, blurting it all out. It helped, otherwise I'd be too afraid or inhibited, or worried I'd cry and not be able to speak.
I'd say, I don't think you'rehearing how important this or that is. I'd ask him why he was seemingly "editing". I'd put it all out there.
It is hard to test the trustworthiness of a trusted person. Especially if that trust has been betrayed in the past, in a childhood with a parent. But the job of the T is to stay with you, to be solid.I have learned that to get what I need, I sometimes have to ask for it.
I do really hope this helps. It does sound to me like you're in a tough place in therapy, and if you can tough it through, say what is on your heart and mind, it might help. In fact, I really do believe it does help.
ShortE
Posted by DaisyM on September 19, 2004, at 0:48:06
In reply to Re: Rough session (long) » Klokka, posted by shortelise on September 18, 2004, at 22:07:50
I can't say it better than everyone else has. I think when you are in these really hard places, EVERYTHING is magnified and important. I think you should tell him how you have been feeling.
My Therapist has asked me if he pushed to hard, went to problem solving too quickly. Sometimes they want to help you past the pain so much they move to quickly. It is best to be honest with your answer and how you are feeling.
I'm sure he isn't MAD at you. He just wants to help you and is trying to use stories that might reach you.
Talk to him about all this. And let us know how it goes.
Hugs from me
Daisy
Posted by gardenergirl on September 19, 2004, at 13:19:08
In reply to Rough session (long), posted by Klokka on September 18, 2004, at 13:17:45
Klokka,
I agree with (was it ShortE?) that it definitely appears that you are well engaged in your therapy, and that is good. I want to share some things I noticed about your situation and things I have learned in my albeit brief experience on both sides of the couch so far.Also, I think it's really wise and adaptive of you to be processing this, both on your own in your head...(I assume you are)..and here on Babble. I think that also shows how invested you are. I continue to be in awe of that given your age, and I wish I could have had the strength to face my fears when I was your age. Good for you!
First, I think some T's and perhaps pdocs do get caught up in trying to go too fast. I found myself doing this with my clients, especially when I would get a new one to add to the ones I've been seeing for awhile. It seems like I often would initially try to go too fast with the new client because I was so used to being in the mode with the others. I had to learn to recognize that feeling and back off. My supervisor at the time, someone with decades of experience and who is CBT focused, said he ALWAYS feels himself wanting to hurry things up. I wonder if that comes from the experience and the illusion of the knowledge of where things might be going, so hurry up and get there? Just a thought. So your pdoc may be feeling that pressure, especially given your concerns about what happens when you turn 18.
I also learned both through experience and at a workshop I attended just yesterday (what a coinkydink :) that sometimes the most important interpretations or information from a T can cause the strongest reaction from the client. I remember a client who said something along the lines of "Dang it!" when I was lucky enough to hit on a particularly significant interpretation. She was just kind of floored and mad. It was hard for her to explain. I also remember frequently calling my T "evil" in the beginning because he was so good at pulling out my stuff.
So, your pdoc admitted he is pushing you, and you are responding like anyone being pushed might. By getting uncomfortable, resisting at times, questioning the relationship, and feeling stymied. Remember he said he was doing this intentionally. If your trust in him is strong (and whether it is or not is no judgement on you...it just is what it is...) you might consider just going with it for awhile and seeing how it feels. You can also share with him how it feels. I suspect he would really appreciate that, and it may even be what he is going for. You can also ask him to go slower or back off some if it is just too hard. I know I've asked that at times when therapy felt too intense for me to contain with other situational stressors going on in my life.
Last, about him forgetting to bring stuff in. I admit I am SO guilty of this! I would get this idea in a session, but often it would be kind of fleeting, and I would remmember more of the client's part of the session than what I said. If I didn't make myself a specifc reminder note to follow up on something I said, I often forgot. (yuck!) I also admit I didn't realize the effect this might have on clients. I guess because it just felt like an idea flash to me, and IRL I don't follow up on every idea flash I have, it felt okay to me to not do it. But the client hears it as something you intend to do, so I had to really work at that. I finally created a therapy notebook and would put stuff in it with sticky notes to remind me to give it to client. I carried that thing around to every client's session, eventually.
Anyway, I know I am reacting to your post more from your pdoc's end of the couch. I hope this has been somewhat helpful. But I also know that feeling like you don't understand or perhaps don't like what your T is doing is not a pleasant feeling at all.
(((klokka)))
Posted by Klokka on September 19, 2004, at 16:10:18
In reply to Re: Rough session (long) » Klokka, posted by Poet on September 18, 2004, at 14:33:18
Yeah, it has been hard after the break. I remember walking into his office last week (and the furniture had been changed on top of it all) and thinking "Wow, this should all seem so familiar, but... it doesn't." I of course remembered him but the session still felt odd, as though I was telling everything to a perfect stranger. Mind you, that did make telling him what I found easier, because it lessened the impact I expected from his expected reaction - though in the end it didn't matter because he reacted much more calmly than I expected. It reminded me of something the psychologist replacing him suggested - that I found it easier to open up to a stranger because there wasn't a relationship to fear losing or I didn't have to worry about getting too close. (I forget which exactly she mentioned. Maybe both.) I haven't brought that up yet, though.
Somehow I hadn't thought about the eye contact thing that way. It makes sense, though. I just remembering wanting to get out of there already... and of course at the same time realizing I'd feel awful if I did, in fact, leave.
I don't think I'll call him about it, because the phone's a tricky issue and I fear even leaving a message would make me too anxious. (He's forgetful, which means he has in the past forgotten to call me back by leaving my number at the clinic or whatnot... he did earlier put my phone number in his organizer, so I guess that's not too likely now, but the memory is too hard to deal with.) I will bring it up at the beginning of next session, especially since the other thing he forgot (something to back up the use of light therapy) is a good deal more important to me now because I'm about to spend $230 + shipping on a lightbox. (I might be able to get insurance to cover it, but due to family issues it may be more hassle than it's worth since I do have the money.)
Posted by Klokka on September 19, 2004, at 16:28:32
In reply to Re: Rough session (long) » Klokka, posted by Pfinstegg on September 18, 2004, at 16:42:42
I think I'll have to wait a few weeks to see if that's the case. Though the outside support thing isn't too promising... apart from Babble, it's a bit hard to find. My teachers and many friends and adults at church are understanding and willing to do a little to help... but it isn't much. I don't know that there are other options - due to the health system where I live, the clinic where I see my pdoc is the only place which will treat me before I turn 18. He may be the only English-speaking pdoc in that clinic, too, but I can't know this. To be fair, though, there were moments in the session where he was a bit gentler, only of course that's not what stood out to be. And, of course, those were the times when I turned around and told him he was wrong, lying, etc.
It's so hard to tell what's going on. At one point he told me "You're not allowed to harm yourself or hate yourself... you're only allowed to hate me here. I can handle it," and I responded with, "Well, if only it worked that way!" I remember trying it out in my head before responding, and then thinking that somehow I couldn't, even if I really were justified, because how could I hate someone who put up with all of my junk? I'm not even sure I understand why that is, really. (Another thing to add to the list of things to bring up!)
I think I'm willing to look at it as a one-time problem if he makes adjustments once I tell him how horribly the session affected me. Given that a session like that on a day when I had nothing positive to do (youth group this Friday was mercifully just what I needed) could put me in danger, I don't think it would be terribly ethical of him to continue exactly as he is. Maybe what I'm feeling is, as he said, a bit inevitable given that we're dealing with topics that I can't really tolerate facing at the moment, but I'm sure even little things like a slight change in pace, time to relax at the end of a session, and a plan in case I really did feel overwhelmed after I left would make it so much more bearable. He's been pretty flexible in the past - something I often neglect to give him credit for - so hopefully it won't be an issue, but I will keep an eye out over the next few sessions.
Posted by Klokka on September 19, 2004, at 16:34:47
In reply to Well, I can tell you what I did., posted by Dinah on September 18, 2004, at 20:48:18
Hm, a session or two might be in three weeks. I think I need to complain as soon as possible. :) I guess I could ask about that. I do happen to know (because he told me) that he was at a conference this past Friday, so maybe that has a bit to do with it. Or maybe it's just that there's been a big break, and "suddenly" I'm 17 with only (less than) a year to go, so things seem rushed. I know they have for me, at least - in thinking about the next year I often feel something like there's a noose tightening around my throat. I think I'll ask and see what he says.
Posted by Pfinstegg on September 19, 2004, at 16:40:16
In reply to Re: Rough session (long) » Pfinstegg, posted by Klokka on September 19, 2004, at 16:28:32
It sounds like you're doing a wonderful job of understanding your own feelings, and the challenges you're facing (the big one seems to be how to bear getting attached and then having to leave him). You also are so good at thinking through all the different currents in your relationship with your T., and either arriving at moderate conclusions or being willing to keep an open mind about things you're not sure about.
What happens when you turn 18? Will you go away to college a year from now? Do you want longer-term therapy then?
Posted by Klokka on September 19, 2004, at 16:45:15
In reply to Re: Rough session (long) » Klokka, posted by shortelise on September 18, 2004, at 22:07:50
That could be. Interestingly enough, I was able to question him for more or less the first time last session - for example, I never have believed him when he says that he doesn't see as being as awful as I describe myself, which to me seems as ridiculous as if he'd sat back and said instead, "Klokka, I want you to know that I do not believe in gravity," - but until Friday I hadn't outright said so. Though I'm not sure I'd like to admit it - this reminds me too much of the last time he seriously upset me and I ended up having to write about it, and after all that he said he was glad that the previous session had proven useful! Not the best incentive to be honest about how much thinking I do after a rough session, to say the least!
Posted by Klokka on September 19, 2004, at 16:49:10
In reply to Re: Rough session (long), posted by DaisyM on September 19, 2004, at 0:48:06
Yeah, I think it doesn't help that this took place during a particularly rough week. I would have felt rejected and as though he didn't care and/or was angry under the best of circumstances simply because of being in such pain and not feeling adequately helped because I just can't communicate it. (And because it's sometimes hard to accept emotionally that most things in therapy just can't be helped as quickly/simply as one might like.)
Posted by Klokka on September 19, 2004, at 16:56:42
In reply to Re: Rough session (long)...wow, longish resp, too. » Klokka, posted by gardenergirl on September 19, 2004, at 13:19:08
Hi gg, it has been helpful to hear a response more from the other side of the couch. It reminds me of the last time there was a really awful session which upset me. I went to the school guidance counselor to vent, and she helped to calm me down about the issue by suggesting there may have been something else behind what happened (for example, he may have been to a seminar - which I recently learned was the case) and reminding me that thus far he had been trustworthy. I think it could be that I'm so worried about turning 18, and maybe there's good reason - my province is really strapped for psychiatrists, so I could be in for a long wait if the referral process isn't as smooth as I might hope. (And then not all pdocs are good, most won't provide therapy, etc.) Definitely some of it is that now we're dealing with more important issues, which hasn't been the case for a long time - I wanted to keep things lighter for the last session before the break, too.
I think I'll have to ask him to tone it down a bit - because, while I can appreciate that it might be beneficial in the end, right now it might just be dangerous, and I might end up running away from it all anyway, in one way or another. And I'll nag him about bringing stuff in, of course. :) I can relate to the forgetfulness, because I do it myself all the time, and usually can tolerate it in others, but for some reason it just doesn't work that way in therapy.
Posted by Klokka on September 19, 2004, at 17:03:51
In reply to Re: Rough session (long) » Klokka, posted by Pfinstegg on September 19, 2004, at 16:40:16
Thanks. I guess it's something of a miracle considering how devastated I felt during and immediately after the session - I had finally angered him too much, he couldn't be trusted, now I had to deal with everyting all alone, etc.
I turn 18 in the middle of next September, and the problem with that is simply because he's a child/adolescent psychiatrist, and given the way the local health system works, the clinic can't treat anyone 18 or over. I started college (not quite like the usual system, though) this year, and will be at the same place next year, so that's not much of a worry until two years from now. In fact, I'm grateful, because at least that way -something- in my life will remain stable. I will definitely be looking for longer-term therapy once I figure out where I'm going for college after what I'm doing now. Of course, I don't know if that will be possible since I don't expect to be able to afford it for several years, unless I take out a loan (may have to anyway) and live as cheaply as I can, otherwise. (Seeing my pdoc is free, under the system, which is why that's not currently a problem. My parents have no problem with paying loads of money on stuff for, say, mild acne, but they would refuse in the case of therapy.)
Whew, so much posting. Just wanted to say thanks to all - I really appreciate all the different perspectives and support and it's been very helpful. Now off to church I go, where service started... two minutes ago! Yikes!
Posted by Pfinstegg on September 19, 2004, at 17:23:16
In reply to Re: Rough session (long) » Klokka, posted by Pfinstegg on September 19, 2004, at 16:40:16
So you'll need to look for a new therapist as an adult when you turn 18? Do you need to get on waiting lists? When you do go to college, many of them in the US provide cost-free therapy as long as you are a student- including graduate students in case you want to study for an advanced degree. (Hope you will- you sound so smart!) I don't know where you are (Canada?), but I assume there is some kind of similiar system for college and university.
Posted by Klokka on September 19, 2004, at 19:59:06
In reply to Re: Rough session (long) » Pfinstegg, posted by Pfinstegg on September 19, 2004, at 17:23:16
I think I will need to get on a waiting list, which should take a couple of months. Hopefully I can start that the summer before I turn 18 while I'm still seeing my pdoc, so there won't be this huge gap. On the other hand, the wait can sometimes be shortened - I was supposed to wait three to six months to see a psychiatrist at the children's clinic, but my guidance counselor at the time decided quite rightly that I couldn't wait that long, brought me to the emergency room, and from there we got a note as to how serious things were and I was seen much sooner. I don't want to have to resort to that, but if I'm in a crisis and don't think I can wait, I will.
I hadn't thought of therapy being offered in colleges, though that does apply here, too - at least at the university I'm looking at. Right now I'm not quite in what you would call college, but in a two-year program between that and high school. We have counsellors, but when it comes to mental illness they mostly provide referrals. Good to know it applies to grad students, too. I'm interested in going into medicine, psychology, or education (good thing I have plenty of time left to decide!), so I'm expecting a long haul as far as education goes.
Posted by Klokka on September 21, 2004, at 16:27:18
In reply to Rough session (long), posted by Klokka on September 18, 2004, at 13:17:45
Okay, so I thought I was handling things okay after a few rough moments over the weekend, but I think my behaviour today proved otherwise. And also proved that I can't leave a coherent phone message to save my life.
Not this week, but two weeks from now, my pdoc will be on call and might not be able to see me. I forgot to mention until I left that I might be able to see him earlier that week - it's okay if I miss class on a very occasional basis because my teachers are understanding about it. Also, there's something I really need to talk about, but it's very hard and if I shut down at all emotionally, I can't - so if I am going to be able to bring it up at all, it will have to be at the beginning of a session because that's how feeble my grip on it it.
So I decided to leave a message today telling him those two things. I managed to forget to tell him what time I would be available in the week (I can only miss certain classes,) why I wanted to reschedule, how he could get in touch with me before Friday... and I think it was just generally incoherent, which I know from experience means he won't understand a word and I'll just find a message on my cell phone Thursday: "You'll have to be more clear..." and then when the next day's appointment is. I had a bit of a "speech" in mind (I've always had trouble with answering machines so it's a must) but I ended up realizing just as I started talking that I was next to a really noisy road, and apparently can't walk and talk coherently at the same time....
Now I feel so awful, like I hate myself just for calling, which really doesn't make any sense. I'm terrified he'll be angry... again, no sense involved, especially considering that, although I don't call all that often, a good three-quarters or more of my messages are incoherent and he's never cared, but I can't get over it. Why am I so incompetent? Why can't I just get over this? I'm so aware of both being attached and wanting to pull away from that attachment, too, and I can't stand it. I would never have gotten involved in this if I knew how much pain it would cause. I don't want to try anymore, but I have to and I can't rest. And I don't even want to think of what the winter will bring if things are this bad already... let alone how much whining I'll end up doing.
Posted by shrinking violet on September 21, 2004, at 18:26:14
In reply to The curse of voicemail, posted by Klokka on September 21, 2004, at 16:27:18
>> Why can't I just get over this? I'm so aware of both being attached and wanting to pull away from that attachment, too, and I can't stand it. I would never have gotten involved in this if I knew how much pain it would cause. I don't want to try anymore, but I have to and I can't rest. And I don't even want to think of what the winter will bring if things are this bad already... let alone how much whining I'll end up doing.
Aw, sweetie...that's *exactly* what I'm dealing with right now. It isn't at all fun.....I hope, though, it'll be worth it in the end. For both of us.
As for the message you sent, please try not to bereate yourself over it. I'm horrid with leaving messages...usually if I know I'm going to reach a machine, I'll sometimes write out what I want to say ahead of time and read it off (I know, I'm weird), or as you said, I'll at least mentally prepare (sometimes it doesn't go as well in reality, though). Could you call again and leave another message, saying that you were on a busy road and was a bit preoccupied and wanted to clarify, and then this time maybe write out what you want to say and just read it off?
Either way, I'm sure your T will understand what you meant, or he'll ask for clarification if he doesn't. It'll be okay. :)
Posted by Klokka on September 21, 2004, at 19:19:02
In reply to Re: The curse of voicemail » Klokka, posted by shrinking violet on September 21, 2004, at 18:26:14
I hope your situation works out as well. It's so difficult, even if it's necessary (or so I've been told about the necessary part.) How do you motivate yourself to show up when you really, really don't feel like it? It's pathetic, but I use the way I react to not having a session - "You'll be a nervous wreck anyway, so why not have an excuse handy?"
I usually write up the message, too, only today I figured I could manage without it. Big mistake! I meant to call back after the receptionist left so I wouldn't sound crazy - I'm also paranoid about dealing with receptionists, and it drove me crazy when my pdoc would only communicate with me through them for the first few months - but broke down and never quite managed it. I think I'll just leave it as it is and let him be confused; maybe I can see it as revenge? I don't know, I called because I was afraid the times I could see him would all be taken up, but now I'm not even sure I want to see him this week, let alone next. And I've (for the moment, no doubt) completely forgotten the "difficult issue" (really a bunch of little painful issues which I can't bring up without being emotional) I was supposed to bring up. That'll be slightly embarrassing if I don't remember before the next session. Though I do know what topic sparked the train of thought, and that topic itself is something I should talk about, so I guess that would work, too.
This is the end of the thread.
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