Posted by Klokka on September 18, 2004, at 13:17:45
When my pdoc was on vacation, I remember being terrified that when he returned, things would be very different, that somehow he would have changed and wouldn't be safe anymore. I'm starting to wonder whether that isn't exactly what happened.
The first session back was awkward, but only because I hadn't seen him in five weeks and so much had happened in that time. It went well considering that, though. He even took my admission that I had done a search for him online and found something he wrote - about me, no less, which he confirmed - very well. But maybe he really was angry about it, because between then and know he seems to have had such a shift in attitude.
The session started off normally enough, but then he decided to describe a scenario and ask me what sort of feelings it brought up in me. I joked a bit about him assuming that I would have stayed in the situation as long as his scenario implied, then said I didn't know, that I felt in pain and overwhelmed and a bit triggered but couldn't identify anything else. He said that I felt that way because I couldn't tolerate the feelings it did bring up - which makes sense - and that with time I would be able to tolerate them. He then admitted, too, that he was pushing me more than usual. (It was worse because at one point he started referring to the other person in the scenarion in the 1st person, which didn't exactly help with the whole trust issue!)
Somehow from there I got to mentioning how difficult therapy was, how I often felt like if I just stopped going and thinking of all the painful things brought up there, I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore... of course, acknowledging that I knew things don't quite work that way. I noticed at this point that I had the chair turned away from him more than I usually do - I normally have it so that I can either look at him or away without trouble, but yesterday I was sitting so that looking at him was uncomfortable. I spent most of the time looking at the wall behind where my chair was placed. I mentioned how worried I was that I wouldn't be able to see him due to school next semester, or wouldn't be referred elsewhere for therapy when I turn 18 next year, and that I'd just fall apart... and he refused to address it when it's perfectly relevant to what's going on now - because how can I keep working and being honest in therapy when I'm terrified I'm dragging myself to my doom? He just said that that's why he's pushing me so hard now; in the hope that in the year (or less) we have left things will improve. That's not really answering my concern, though! He went on to say that the deeper we got into my issues, the more I would want to hurt myself and push him away, and I wonder now whether either action would make a difference. He doesn't seem to care that therapy (especially with more challenging) might have this effect, nor does he seem willing to offer any suggestions for preventing either problem. I was very uncomfortable and kept looking away, and at one point he said "You can cry, you know," followed by something else which I couldn't quite make out... only it was in an oddly harsh tone of voice. I don't really know why that upset me, but it did.
Soon after that, my pdoc went into this story about some detective show where the main character appeared very dumb but by the end of each episode had the criminal pretty much trapped. He then compared me to that criminal... I see the point he's trying to make, but ick! Couldn't he come up with a better analogy? It's not as though I think of him as dumb, though I acknowledge I probably act like it... I've noticed myself rolling my eyes when he mentions anything about a story or a series of questions. What he may not know is that's more out of a feeling of "Oh, (censored.) What now?" and I'm very well aware that there's likely a point involved which I won't like!
We then discussed how I felt about myself (not well, to say the least) and I think that discussion extended past the normal end-of-session time. It was so awkward, because he kept asking me questions and it was a relatively intense topic, and I saw that the session should be over and wondered if he even realized! I eventually pointed it out, and he was genuinely surprised. Somehow we still ended up talking a bit about my week, and I tried to bring up how upsetting an experiment in class was, but he didn't pick up on it and just kept talking about how fascinating he found the subject. (We had to examine a vial of what smelled like cologne in Theory of Knowledge to show how subjective sensory experience can be... the smell of the liquid in the vial made me feel instantly uncomfortable, seemed to bring up an unpleasant memory which I couldn't quite get at, and that sick, uncomfortable feeling hasn't gone away.) Then he asked if I had anything to say before I left, and I wanted so badly to say SOMETHING, anything, but I couldn't put my finger on it, only that I was in so much pain and wanted him to know but didn't know how to say it. I said I didn't, we discussed an upcoming Friday (not the next Friday, but the one after) when he'll be on call and might not be able to see me, and I felt so anxious about it. I might even decide to miss class one day that week to avoid the uncertainty, if I can... it was such an odd feeling to sit there torn between wanting to cling to him and thinking "Get away from me, jerk!"
I just don't know what to do. It doesn't feel safe to speak to him anymore. He also keeps talking about "preparing for the winter" (I have SAD), but doesn't he realize from me saying that it tends to start in August/September for me and my statements of being in pain constantly that "winter" is already here? He just doesn't seem to get it and I don't know how to get it across without resorting to things I shouldn't do. Maybe he really is angry at me. I was more blunt about whether I believed him about certain things (for example, I don't believe he means it when he says he doesn't see that I'm so awful), but can't he see how hard it is to be honest about it at all?
I also find I'm really upset that he didn't bring in something (related to the post he made about me which I stumbled across) he said I could see last week... it's the second time this happened (the first was with some proof that light therapy might be effective), so I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but it's really bothering me. How should I bring it up? I feel like I can't trust him at all - not only is he inconsistent, but he doesn't seem safe to talk to. So how can I trust him?
Sorry this is so long and that I haven't been posting much. I've been lurking and keep wanting to offer a few words of support, and then feeling like I sound obnoxious and deciding not to... it's odd how my fear of sounding obnoxious or offending others often leads to me doing that very thing. I guess I'm being a bit harsh with my pdoc, but this is how I see things right now... though the more I write about it, the less vicious his behaviour seems. I just keep hoping that this is a one-time occurence like the last time I was upset by his actions. I know I need to tell him how it affected me, though, because it may have been dangerous had I not had a restful evening at youth group. It's just a matter of getting up the courage to do so right away or there won't be time to get into it... I can't decide whether I'm anxious for Friday or just dreading it.
poster:Klokka
thread:392325
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040918/msgs/392325.html