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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Aphrodite on September 7, 2004, at 16:59:45
but I'm not. :( Just couldn't face him after my last meltdown.
It's all so shameful, and I just want to hide. I told him I wouldn't come today, and he left the door open anyway. He hasn't contacted me -- he would never take a heavy hand. But I'll never stop swimming in shame enough to go back. I feel like this therapy door has ended, and I need to go down another road.
Guilt and shame are powerfully destructive emotions.
Posted by Dinah on September 7, 2004, at 17:02:24
In reply to I should be at my appointment right now . . ., posted by Aphrodite on September 7, 2004, at 16:59:45
Can you call him and tell him what you told us? There's no reason to feel fear and shame with your therapist. Ending therapy is one thing, ending it this way will probably leave you with a set of bad feelings that you don't really want to shoulder.
Posted by daisym on September 7, 2004, at 17:39:20
In reply to I should be at my appointment right now . . ., posted by Aphrodite on September 7, 2004, at 16:59:45
I'm hurting for you. I just don't see what you have to be ashamed of. We've all flipped out in therapy at one point or another. Given what your therapist has most likely seen or experienced, this is probably minor.
I know it doesn't feel that way. That the executive Aphrodite would NEVER have had a tantrum about time being up. SHE would have left gracefully, in a completely contained sort of way. She would probably have even made it completely comfortable for everyone else that her needs weren't met. So to look at your behavior and recognize these needs feels just horrible. But it's not.
Can you look at this as just another defense against the pain of reliving the trauma? Road blocks that are trying to send you off this painful path to healing? I know it is hard. And it feels like it will never, ever end. And you feel so alone in that dark place. But you aren't.
I don't think you want to end things this way. And I'm worried about how suicidal you've been feeling. This is a huge indication that no matter how painful it all is, you do need help. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your son. Put the breaks on, sit in silence, but I think you need to work through this to an ending that doesn't make you feel worse.
(((Aphrodite)))
Let me know how you are doing.
Daisy
Posted by shortelise on September 8, 2004, at 3:31:55
In reply to I should be at my appointment right now . . ., posted by Aphrodite on September 7, 2004, at 16:59:45
Oh, Aphrodite... you doc wants nothing better than for you to go back to see him.
DOes he judge you?
I don't know why we feel shame when the person we have exposed ourselves to is not judging.You are making the shame. You are slamming the door yourself. What if you went back, what if you healed hugely because you were able to go back and say, hey, sometimes I lose it. What if?
THis is silly, but when I read your note, and the last one, too, I want something for you. I want you to have the same warm safety I have sometimes felt with my T, when I've said or done something about whcih I am unhappy, and he understands, and accepts me anyway. That feeling has healed me in some ways I never thought I could be healed. My moments of self-loathing are far, far fewer. And I can see him and feel ... cared about, no matter who I am. Imagine that! It's ok to be me.
(())
ShortE
Posted by fallsfall on September 8, 2004, at 8:04:27
In reply to I should be at my appointment right now . . ., posted by Aphrodite on September 7, 2004, at 16:59:45
He won't judge you.
The shame you feel is your shame of yourself - not his shame of you. Let him show you how to accept you without the shame.
Please let your little one go back to see him. You said that she didn't deserve the pain that she has experienced. This is your chance to treat her with kindness, and acceptance.
You have done nothing to make him reject you. Let him accept you. Let us accept you.
I know it will be a while before you can accept you. So let him and us do it in the meantime.
Posted by gardenergirl on September 8, 2004, at 9:49:36
In reply to Re: I should be at my appointment right now . . . » Aphrodite, posted by fallsfall on September 8, 2004, at 8:04:27
Wow, how could I add to the eloquent posts above? I do agree with everyone that going back likely will be very healing. It will take courage, but I believe you have that in you.
I'm sorry you are struggling so right now. I always wish for a magic wand to take hurt away. But without that, I think therapy can often be the next best thing.
Please be good to yourself. All parts of you deserve that.
Warmly,
gg
Posted by mair on September 8, 2004, at 11:02:28
In reply to I should be at my appointment right now . . ., posted by Aphrodite on September 7, 2004, at 16:59:45
The only wisdom I can offer is that I've often imagined that I will terminate therapy maybe under similar circumstances - like I'll do or say something that will make me not want to go back, or maybe that therapy will just get too tough. My therapist and I have talked about this in the abstract because of course I also fear that I'll terminate prematurely or that she'll not do anything to keep me coming on the theory that she has to accept my decisions.
My therapist's take on this (in the abstract of course), is that therapy is a process and if I stop coming or don't show, she'll view it as part of the process and not as an end. I think it's her way of telling me that I needn't ever feel like I can't go back.
Also I think one of the other posters made a point my T has made countless times - namely that it's important for us to realize that the T accepts us regardless of what we do or say. So the fact that you've said something that shames you, provides him with a wonderful opportunity to let you know that he accepts you for who you are - all grist for the mill.
Mair
Posted by Aphrodite on September 8, 2004, at 12:30:21
In reply to I should be at my appointment right now . . ., posted by Aphrodite on September 7, 2004, at 16:59:45
Thanks, everyone, for your care and concern and your wonderfully unconditional support. It is so needed as I am hurting so much right now. The little girl in me is so devastated that he didn't call knowing all that he knows of my pain. Corporate Aphrodite is very glad not to talk to him right now.
I think the shame and guilt involve not only my recent meltdowns in his office (which I JUST DON'T DO!) but also the extreme guilt and shame that goes along with the kind of abuse I am disclosing. It is an overwhelming part of my childhood to relive almost 20 years later. I worry what his opinion is, how he must judge me, etc. You know, all of the irrational thoughts that everyone must see me as negatively as I see myself.
Posted by shrinking violet on September 8, 2004, at 12:55:50
In reply to Re: I should be at my appointment right now . . ., posted by Aphrodite on September 8, 2004, at 12:30:21
((((Aphrodite))))
I'm sorry you are hurting right now.
I'm not sure what type of relationship you have with your T, but I think you should consider going back if only to allow him the respect of showing you how he would truly react to all you are sharing with him, rather than assume that he is ashamed of you or overwhelmed by you, etc. I struggle with believing and feeling that my T truly cares about me, because, why would she, especially as no one else has ever truly cared to show it before, and considering how much I loathe myself most times. But every once in a while I can look back and remember things she has said, ways she has looked at me, things she has done, that prove that she truly does care, and that I do mean something to her (and vice versa). I've shared with her more than I've ever shared with anyone, and sometimes the more I tell her, the harder it is to go back. The first time I cried (sobbed, really) with her, I cancelled my next appt two days later. But I then realized that I was running away, that maybe I met her for a reason, and the fact that she could reach me so deeply to get me to break down (something I never do, let alone with someone in the room), might mean something significant. Even the past couple of sessions, I've shared some embarrassing things with her. And tomorrow.... I dont know if I can face her. But I know I'll at least go there, and see what happens. And so can you. You CAN go and see him. If it's easier to not look at him direcctly, then so be it, but at least physically go there. Or at least call him. You're doing such great work. Dont let the guilt and shame keep controlling you.
I hope you do what's best for you, and for that little girl inside of you.
Peace,
SV
Posted by Dinah on September 8, 2004, at 14:03:26
In reply to Re: I should be at my appointment right now . . ., posted by Aphrodite on September 8, 2004, at 12:30:21
He's not going to call you. Daisy's therapist is an exception. An exception we'd all like to have. I know that when I used to quit frequently, I wanted him to care enough to be call me, but his not calling me had nothing to do with not caring. It's possible for him to care and really want you to come back, but feel it's the wrong thing to do to call you.
Don't feel like you've closed a door. I think they are not surprised when we run away, and most therapists keep the door open to come back without any ill feelings.
Posted by lucy stone on September 8, 2004, at 14:46:47
In reply to Re: I should be at my appointment right now . . . » Aphrodite, posted by Dinah on September 8, 2004, at 14:03:26
I have said that my T would never call to check up on me, and he wouldn't. He would call, though,if I stopped coming. I asked him once what he would do if I just didn't show up, and he said he would call. He said that if I didn't answer or return his calls he would send me a letter saying that he wanted me to come in at least one more time just to talk about it. A few times I have been late, 15 minutes or more, once when I got caught in a traffic jam and once when I forgot my appointment. Both time he called on my cell phone concerned about me.
Posted by shortelise on September 8, 2004, at 14:49:59
In reply to Re: I should be at my appointment right now . . ., posted by Aphrodite on September 8, 2004, at 12:30:21
I feel for you so much.
I sometimes wonder why we can't have the compassion for ourselves that we would have for others in our postitions. If you imagined a friend tellling you about this same abuse, would you judge her? Or would you treat her with kindness, and wish you could ease her suffering?
It's not rhetorical. I really wonder.
ShortE
Posted by lucy stone on September 8, 2004, at 14:50:58
In reply to Re: I should be at my appointment right now . . ., posted by Aphrodite on September 8, 2004, at 12:30:21
Aphrodite, can you understand that he is not judging you? Whatever you tell him he can process, and as bad as it is he will not judge you. You are not responsible for the things that happened to you, and he can help you understand that. My T says that it takes more courage to come back in the office after a hard session than it is to stay away, and we all know that to be true. Can you somewhere find the courage to go back to him? Could you tell yourself that you are only going back once, just to process what has happened? If you go once you may be able to go again. I think you will be glad you did, and if not, you don't have to go back.
Posted by Susan47 on September 8, 2004, at 15:40:10
In reply to Re: I should be at my appointment right now . . ., posted by Aphrodite on September 8, 2004, at 12:30:21
The type of work I used to do involved a lot of abuse of children. I transcribed many police interviews of sexually and physically and emotionally abused children. I never once felt judgemental of the child no matter how ugly the abuse was. And wives, the abuse that some poor women put up with is so unbelievable. So many acts committed in so many homes are just this short * of murder. Nothing you ever revealed to someone like me would ever allow me to judge you. Do you believe your therapist might feel like I do about it? A professional will probably have heard at least as much as I have ... and I think professionals mostly have to have pretty big hearts. :)
Posted by fallsfall on September 8, 2004, at 20:33:37
In reply to Re: I should be at my appointment right now . . ., posted by Aphrodite on September 8, 2004, at 12:30:21
>I think the shame and guilt involve not only my recent meltdowns in his office (which I JUST DON'T DO!) but also the extreme guilt and shame that goes along with the kind of abuse I am disclosing.
You say that you "just don't do" meltdowns. Why is it that a meltdown is so unacceptable? Is it unacceptable that something could occur in your life that you "can't handle"? Is it unacceptable that you should ask for help?
I am trying to learn that I don't have to be perfect/strong/omnipotent to be acceptable (i.e. "good"). But the only way I can learn this is to be imperfect/weak/fallible and have people still accept me. If I run away every time I am imperfect/weak/fallible then, even if they *do* still accept me, I will never *know* that they do. So in order for me to learn this thing, I do need to face people after I have "failed", and that takes enormous faith that those people "won't" (i.e. shouldn't) reject me. I guess that I believe/hope that my therapist is one of the most likely people in the world to NOT reject me for being imperfect/weak/fallible. So, it seems safer to try this little experiment with him than with random other people. But, of course, it doesn't seem really safe even with him. I think that the only reason I can give him the chance to prove that it is safe with him is because I *do* believe intellectually that it *is* safe. And my intellectual side has to carry my emotional side through so that my emotional side can *experience* that it is safe. I don't know if this is similar to what you experience...
I wish that I could hold your little girl in my lap and read her a story. I think that I would want to read a story that would make her laugh (perhaps something rousing like "Chicka Chicka Boom Boom"). Then a pretty, comforting book ("Miss Rumphius" comes to mind, but I haven't read it in years, so I'm not sure it is the one I want. Or, perhaps "The World in the Candy Egg", which is an exquisite book that describes a magical world inside an Easter Egg). Can I bring her to the library with me?
Posted by Susan47 on September 8, 2004, at 23:01:40
In reply to Re: I should be at my appointment right now . . . » Aphrodite, posted by fallsfall on September 8, 2004, at 20:33:37
>>
> I am trying to learn that I don't have to be perfect/strong/omnipotent to be acceptable (i.e. "good"). But the only way I can learn this is to be imperfect/weak/fallible and have people still accept me. If I run away every time I am imperfect/weak/fallible then, even if they *do* still accept me, I will never *know* that they do. So in order for me to learn this thing, I do need to face people after I have "failed", and that takes enormous faith that those people "won't" (i.e. shouldn't) reject me. I guess that I believe/hope that my therapist is one of the most likely people in the world to NOT reject me for being imperfect/weak/fallible. So, it seems safer to try this little experiment with him than with random other people. But, of course, it doesn't seem really safe even with him. I think that the only reason I can give him the chance to prove that it is safe with him is because I *do* believe intellectually that it *is* safe. And my intellectual side has to carry my emotional side through so that my emotional side can *experience* that it is safe. I don't know if this is similar to what you experience...
>
I thought that what you're saying is exciting and encouraging for a lot of people. Thanks!
Posted by Aphrodite on September 9, 2004, at 5:52:15
In reply to Re: I should be at my appointment right now . . . » Aphrodite, posted by fallsfall on September 8, 2004, at 20:33:37
Wow, thank you. I never thought about intellectualizing it that way. Your words really rang true for me. It's true that my T would be one understand and a safe person to "practice" with. I've never wanted to bother anyone with my emotions. I fear losing control.
PLEASE take me to the library! I love children's books. My repressed little girl loves to go to the bookstores and libraries. My son's room is covered in books. It's such a wonderful escape. I'll have to pick up the egg book; I hadn't heard of it.
Thanks so much for your take on this. It certainly has shed a lot of light on my problem!
This is the end of the thread.
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