Posted by fallsfall on September 8, 2004, at 20:33:37
In reply to Re: I should be at my appointment right now . . ., posted by Aphrodite on September 8, 2004, at 12:30:21
>I think the shame and guilt involve not only my recent meltdowns in his office (which I JUST DON'T DO!) but also the extreme guilt and shame that goes along with the kind of abuse I am disclosing.
You say that you "just don't do" meltdowns. Why is it that a meltdown is so unacceptable? Is it unacceptable that something could occur in your life that you "can't handle"? Is it unacceptable that you should ask for help?
I am trying to learn that I don't have to be perfect/strong/omnipotent to be acceptable (i.e. "good"). But the only way I can learn this is to be imperfect/weak/fallible and have people still accept me. If I run away every time I am imperfect/weak/fallible then, even if they *do* still accept me, I will never *know* that they do. So in order for me to learn this thing, I do need to face people after I have "failed", and that takes enormous faith that those people "won't" (i.e. shouldn't) reject me. I guess that I believe/hope that my therapist is one of the most likely people in the world to NOT reject me for being imperfect/weak/fallible. So, it seems safer to try this little experiment with him than with random other people. But, of course, it doesn't seem really safe even with him. I think that the only reason I can give him the chance to prove that it is safe with him is because I *do* believe intellectually that it *is* safe. And my intellectual side has to carry my emotional side through so that my emotional side can *experience* that it is safe. I don't know if this is similar to what you experience...
I wish that I could hold your little girl in my lap and read her a story. I think that I would want to read a story that would make her laugh (perhaps something rousing like "Chicka Chicka Boom Boom"). Then a pretty, comforting book ("Miss Rumphius" comes to mind, but I haven't read it in years, so I'm not sure it is the one I want. Or, perhaps "The World in the Candy Egg", which is an exquisite book that describes a magical world inside an Easter Egg). Can I bring her to the library with me?
poster:fallsfall
thread:387740
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040905/msgs/388368.html