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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 40. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on September 1, 2004, at 11:32:39
I think I'm going to go down to once a week therapy.
I know that if it doesn't work out, my therapist will be willing to go back to twice a week.
And I *was* too afraid that not needing my therapist as much meant that I was growing up and getting independent. But now it occurred to me that it might just mean that now I trust him to be there for me if I need him to be, and I don't feel the need to see him as often to feel his presence.
So that only leaves two reasons to continue going twice a week and neither of them is really good enough to justify going. One is that I'm sure the nature of the therapeutic relationship will change. It changed when we went to twice a week, so it's bound to change when we go back to once. It'll be more catching up and figuring out where we were and less intense. I like going twice a week, and I like the difference in the relationship, but that doesn't justify going.
The other reason is that I think my access to my emotions will be weaker on once a week therapy. That's what happens when he's on vacation (even long weekends where I end up seeing him once a week), so I can't see why it wouldn't be what happens if we go formally to once a week. What happens now is that the day of therapy I have most access to my feelings, I slip into rational me by the next day, but before rational me gets too much power and momentum there's another therapy session a few days later. A whole week allows rational me to gain a fair amount of power, it's harder to access the emotions again, and overall... Well, that's not really any reason to continue to go twice a week either. If my emotional connections aren't strong enough to last a week now, there's no reason to believe they ever will be strong enough. And rational me functions better anyway.
I'll like the extra time and money. And it gets kind of boring sometimes when I can't think of anything left to say in therapy. I'll bet he gets bored too. :) Anyway, it seems like it might be time to give it a try. If it doesn't work out, we can always go back.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on September 1, 2004, at 12:04:49
In reply to Well, I think I'm going to do it, posted by Dinah on September 1, 2004, at 11:32:39
I think that's a very well thought out decision, Dinah. I applaud you!
Posted by partlycloudy on September 1, 2004, at 14:53:32
In reply to Well, I think I'm going to do it, posted by Dinah on September 1, 2004, at 11:32:39
Dinah, do you do any homework between appointments? Like journalling, or meditating? I was just wondering if you'd been given some exercises to help keep you on that path to the emotional, authentic Dinah that you've been trying to get a handle on.
I also saw your thread earlier about whether it's worth it to pursue becoming this authentic person. It sounds like you think you'd would be doing it for others but not for yourself? Did I read that correctly? I do think that being in touch with your emotions adds another dimension to ourselves that makes life in general easier to deal with. To me it's like adding pigment to paint in order to deepen a colour on the canvas. Without that pigment, the painting would lack dimension and meaning. Does that make any sense?
Back to your original decision - I think you can do it! Going once a week for an appointment is a smart thing to do if you find you're struggling to find something to talk about. I would just see if doing an assignment between appointments would help give you continuity.
Posted by fallsfall on September 1, 2004, at 16:25:46
In reply to Well, I think I'm going to do it, posted by Dinah on September 1, 2004, at 11:32:39
Wow.
I think it is wonderful that you will give it a try.
I think that says a lot about your relationship with him. That you *do* know that he is "there" for you even if you don't see him as often.
Please keep us posted!
Posted by daisym on September 1, 2004, at 19:40:20
In reply to Well, I think I'm going to do it, posted by Dinah on September 1, 2004, at 11:32:39
Dinah,
What a huge step for you! I will encourage you to reserve at least a little of this "found" time and money to do something nice for yourself.
I've been thinking about this today, the ability to not need to see your therapist to know he is there for you. Sounds like a really secure place to be. I'm working on it!
I'll be interested to hear how it goes.
Daisy
Posted by gardenergirl on September 1, 2004, at 19:44:43
In reply to Re: Well, I think I'm going to do it, posted by daisym on September 1, 2004, at 19:40:20
Wow, Dinah. That seems like a big step. I am thinking back to last year when I started on Babble. What progress...Good for you!
I hope it goes well, and I am glad that you are able to easily change your mind if necessary.
Good luck.
gg
Posted by Ilene on September 1, 2004, at 19:53:47
In reply to Well, I think I'm going to do it, posted by Dinah on September 1, 2004, at 11:32:39
Congratulations! I think one of the goals of therapy ought to be living without it. But maybe that's just my particular bugaboo. I see people on this board who seem to need/want "forever therapy". I would hate to feel that dependent. Okay, this is about me now....sorry.
Posted by antigua on September 1, 2004, at 21:58:31
In reply to Well, I think I'm going to do it, posted by Dinah on September 1, 2004, at 11:32:39
You have sounded this all out very carefully. I agree that you need to treat yourself w/some of the extra money and time.
I can see the end of therapy, really for the first time, and I'm not so scared about it anymore. If I have gotten as well as I'm going to get (I'm not "settling" mind you), if I've remembered everything I am going to remember, and there will still be huge gaps, I feel that it's o.k. now. I've never felt the urge to move on before, but I think I can now.
That said, I will probably be hit w/some huge emotional upheaval over even thinking of quitting.
So, watch your back Dinah, but I wish you the very best of luck, you certainly deserve it,
antigua
Posted by tryingtobewise on September 1, 2004, at 22:45:13
In reply to Re: Well, I think I'm going to do it » Dinah, posted by antigua on September 1, 2004, at 21:58:31
Congratulations Dinah. I'm fairly new here, so I will believe what others have written...that this is a big step for you. *And* I totally agree with the idea that you should take some of the extra time & $ and do nice things for yourself!
I go to therapy at most twice a month, and at worse once a month. My insurance does not allow for more and it can make the "count down" in between sessions very long. I'll bet once you get used to it a week will go fast.
:)
Posted by Dinah on September 1, 2004, at 22:59:50
In reply to Re: Well, I think I'm going to do it » Dinah, posted by Ilene on September 1, 2004, at 19:53:47
Just perhaps a bit less frequently.
I *like* being dependent. At least I like being dependent on someone trustworthy. I'm dependent on lots of people. Lots of people are dependent on me too. I hope I'm trustworthy enough to justify it.
And I value the therapeutic relationship as a separate type of relationship that is good for mental health. Both my mental health and more importantly my son's. I really wish my parents had had ongoing mental health support. :) I think it's part of my entire mental health regime. Taking my meds regularly, trying to regulate my sleep and daily routine, reducing stress as much as life allows, breathing exercises, and therapy. All part of mood stabilization.
Posted by Dinah on September 1, 2004, at 23:06:54
In reply to Well, I think I'm going to do it, posted by Dinah on September 1, 2004, at 11:32:39
I feel resentful and angry.
Silly when it's my own decision.
I'm guessing I won't do any homework. And I'm guessing I'll live through the new arrangements just fine. Because I don't really *need* twice a week therapy right now.
And I'm guessing I'll stay angry and resentful of my very own decision.
Posted by shortelise on September 2, 2004, at 0:02:51
In reply to I'm not feeling too good about my decision, posted by Dinah on September 1, 2004, at 23:06:54
Dinah, I just had to smile when I read this note - smiling at me, not you because I feel just the same! It makes me mad that it has to be this way, that I had to choose to see my psychiatrist less.
It seems to work though - there are lots of people who have been in therapy, who aren't anymore and who seem ok.
We can start a withdrawal club. Patients Without Psychiatrists. Neurotics Anonymous. Nuts and Dates.
Trying to keep my sense of humour... ShortE
Posted by Dinah on September 2, 2004, at 0:26:22
In reply to Re: I'm not feeling too good about my decision » Dinah, posted by shortelise on September 2, 2004, at 0:02:51
I definitely need to work on my sense of humor about this. :(
I wish my therapist would tell me that I'm wrong, and that I do need to keep going twice a week. But he won't. When we were discussing the idea last time he seemed awfully happy. Drat him.
Posted by Pfinstegg on September 2, 2004, at 1:18:33
In reply to Re: I'm not feeling too good about my decision, posted by Dinah on September 2, 2004, at 0:26:22
Why decide right now? You could talk about it for an extended period of time, as it brings up so many central issues about therapy goals, dependence, growth.. When the time comes for me to start doing that, I know I'll talk forever about it- I think what I'd really like to have is a very slowly-arrived- at joint decision, which would also be readily reversible, of course!
With the previous analyst that I went to, we started talking about tapering and termination issues 18 months before we made any changes. It really took all that time. The termination itself was still incredibly painful, though- that's why I'm so grateful that this one really, apparently, never fully terminates anyone. He says that's the new thinking- it is such a powerful, unique relationship for us that it's not so reasonable to ever completely close the door.
Posted by gardenergirl on September 2, 2004, at 8:27:46
In reply to Re: I'm not feeling too good about my decision, posted by Dinah on September 2, 2004, at 0:26:22
Dinah,
Are you mad at yourself or mad at your T for "letting you go" a bit? Do you feel resentful perhaps because there is a sense of being deprived? I admit I'm a little confused about what you are feeling right now.Incidentally, I was feeling so hopeful about termination last week, and then at the end of the session I managed to bring up something that makes me feel right back in that middle stage. Sigh, I suppose that's normal. Not ready to move on yet...
Dinah, whatever you decide, I think you will do it in a thoughtful manner and will do what is best for you.
gg
Posted by Dinah on September 2, 2004, at 9:52:09
In reply to Re: I'm not feeling too good about my decision » Dinah, posted by Pfinstegg on September 2, 2004, at 1:18:33
I'm reasonably sure my therapist is resigned to being stuck with me for life. :) He bore a remarkable resemblence to a deer in the headlights when he first realized it, and asked some silly questions about what I could possibly do about it if he terminated me (nothing obviously, I'm not a stalker). But now that he realizes that he can always retire or move and I won't camp out on his front door or tie him up like Kathy Bates' character in that movie, I think he is comfortable with maintaining a therapeutic relationship as long as he is a therapist.
We have been talking about or around this subject for a few months, I think. It wasn't a sudden thing. I think he's happy about it. :( When I look at it as calmly as possible, I realize he's happy because he thinks it means good things for me and my progress. When I'm not being calm, I think he's happy to get rid of me. :( He's smart enough to realize what he was doing and wiped the enthusiastic grin off his face when I saw it, without my having to say anything. But I saw it. :(
Posted by Dinah on September 2, 2004, at 10:04:44
In reply to Re: I'm not feeling too good about my decision » Dinah, posted by gardenergirl on September 2, 2004, at 8:27:46
> Dinah,
> Are you mad at yourself or mad at your T for "letting you go" a bit?Definitely a bit of both. I think he sees this as a sign of growth, and is happy about it. :(
> Do you feel resentful perhaps because there is a sense of being deprived? I admit I'm a little confused about what you are feeling right now.
Absolutely I feel resentful about being deprived. It's the right and sensible thing to do, but I don't necessarily *like* it. But if I waited until I liked it, I'd never do it.
One thing I *detest* about my emotional side not being hidden is that I used to be able to throw huge temper tantrums about sensible decisions made by my rational self. Threaten to self injure, just really get furious and destructive. Now that my emotions are more engaged in my life, my heartless and cruel (admitted hyperbole here) rational self often makes sure that I'm in joint agreement about these decisions. So then I can't blame and act very badly. I have to "be responsible" (insert mocking sing song tone) and "do the right thing". And I very much resent being put in that situation. (wry smile)
I understand how odd the above paragraph sounds, and I hope it doesn't make anyone uncomfortable, but it's a fairly accurate depiction of my internal life. Kind of like a kid who is secretly happy to be able to blame Mom and stomp off to their room for not being able to go to that keg party after the prom, having Mom suddenly say "It's up to you whether or not you go to the keg party." Sigh.
Posted by Dinah on September 2, 2004, at 10:05:21
In reply to Re: I'm not feeling too good about my decision » Dinah, posted by gardenergirl on September 2, 2004, at 8:27:46
Posted by DaisyM on September 2, 2004, at 10:11:14
In reply to Re: I'm not feeling too good about my decision » Dinah, posted by gardenergirl on September 2, 2004, at 8:27:46
Dinah,
when I got up this morning, I was still trying to explain to Lucy in my head what I meant about my therapist "insisting" and why that felt OK. Your post helped me realize more what it is about.
It must be awful hard to hear your Therapist agree with the decision to cut back even when part of you knows it is over all the right thing. And he does still care about you, he doesn't care less, just because you go less.
In the decisions I've made for myself over my life, I have almost always done the "right thing." Even if it wasn't what I really wanted... I have a list a mile long. And usually it is the right thing for everyone else. And for most of my life I did the right thing without being told and usually without guidance. And without validation that it was the right thing. So in therapy, I've asked my therapist to advocate for the right things FOR ME, even when I'm going the other way because I think I should do what's best for everyone else. And I want guidance and validation around some decisions. We even went through this whole thing about "needing" therapy vs. "wanting" therapy. He kept asking, "what is wrong with "just" wanting therapy? It is OK to want something just for yourself." I still feel selfish about it at times.
I think you are getting those things from your therapist. Guidance and validation. Letting go of something, even partially, that is really special is bittersweet. I called it "tender grief".
Give yourself a break. You are bound to feel conflicted for a while. And if it isn't working, things can go back to the way they were. Even if you just want to.
Posted by gardenergirl on September 2, 2004, at 10:16:04
In reply to Re: I'm not feeling too good about my decision, posted by Dinah on September 2, 2004, at 10:04:44
great description!
gg
Posted by Dinah on September 2, 2004, at 11:05:13
In reply to Re: I'm not feeling too good about my decision, posted by DaisyM on September 2, 2004, at 10:11:14
Yes, you're absolutely right. It's not a permanent decision. I might have trouble with going just because I want to, though. I just hope I don't start acting out so that I have a reason to *need* to go. It's something I can see myself doing, to my shame.
I think part of it is that I don't think of it as letting something go partially. I think of it as letting one thing go completely and substituting something else instead. Twice a week therapy is so very different from once a week therapy. I'm not sure the difference can be explained to those who haven't done both, but I'll bet you know what I'm talking about. It's almost like apples and oranges. Or like having a next door neighbor move across town and meeting once a week for lunch. It's just not the same thing as having a good friend as a next door neighbor.
I don't want to give that up. But not wanting to really isn't enough at this stage in my therapy. :(
Posted by Aphrodite on September 2, 2004, at 11:45:08
In reply to Re: I'm not feeling too good about my decision, posted by Dinah on September 2, 2004, at 10:04:44
I understand completely about the joint agreement between your rational and emotional sides. It's hard to be grown up. Luckily, I'm still in the tantrum phase.
One time adult and CEO Aphrodite in her best executive and critical manner told my T that I did not need him and was quitting. He said, "I empower you to take good care of yourself. Call me if you need me." Then, I had a complete tantrum. It was quite a nasty trick on his part to get me to say what I really wanted. I felt like I was 4 years old trying to play grown-up.
I'm very interested in how this progresses. Let us know what happens.
Posted by shortelise on September 2, 2004, at 13:07:54
In reply to Re: I'm not feeling too good about my decision, posted by Dinah on September 2, 2004, at 0:26:22
Dinah, "drat him"?
I am so sorry, but here I am laughing again, but more because if he is glad you are talking about seeing him less often, it means he does have your best interest at heart, that he sees the progress you have made and feels you are ready to see him less. If he seemed "awfully happy" about it, to me it means that you are going in the right direction.
OMG, this must mean that you are better than you were! This must mean that you have made some progress!
This must mean that you may one day actually be capable of living your life fully and happily (or as happily as any human can)!
Dinah, ok, I am projecting a little, but I am so glad for you.
I am trying to imagine what life will be like without my psychiatrist. I feel so stupid! Here I am, a 48 year old woman, fully grown, married, have a house, two cars, a cat and a career. And I am wondering what I will do without my little balding friend whom I see once every two weeks.
What is it? Why is this attachment so very powerful? It's amazing. A little bit of empathy, lots of sympathy, a **LOT** of kindness, and Whammo!
He tells me that he can't "keep" me (my term not his) because it's not good for me, That it would be counterproductive, that the point of therapy is not to need it anymore.
Sorry Dinah, I could go on and on, but you write what I feel! Thank you so much.
ShortE
Posted by tryingtobewise on September 2, 2004, at 16:13:11
In reply to Well, I think I'm going to do it, posted by Dinah on September 1, 2004, at 11:32:39
Dinah - maybe it is one of those things that you dread before it happens, but then once it is underway it isn't so bad. I do that to myself a lot. Dread something, then once I'm in the middle of it, find it is actually ok.
And, you can always go back to 2 days a week if it doesn't work out.
:)
Posted by Dinah on September 3, 2004, at 11:44:05
In reply to Re: Well, I think I'm going to do it, posted by tryingtobewise on September 2, 2004, at 16:13:11
By the time I got to therapy today, my anger and resentment had skyrocketed to the point that I was as sullen and truculent as a teenager.
I suppose faced with that, it was reasonable for my therapist to want to discuss my decision.
He actually surprised me. I had expected him to say that it was, of course, my decision. Not with his arms folded. When he says that with his arms folded, it means he disagrees but that he d*mn well isn't going to invest himself personally in a *client's* decisions. But smiling. When he says that smiling, it means that he approves but isn't stupid enough to say so.
But he didn't tell me that at all. It turned into a discussion of the nature of therapy, and what therapy meant to me, and how twice a week therapy was different than once a week therapy, and the nature of the therapeutic relationship, and whether you had to aim for quitting therapy.
It was really very interesting, and in at least one case, eye opening. It seems that he *does* have a treatment plan for me. His conception of my case is that I do best with the intense support of twice a week therapy. And he thinks my thinking I should reduce to once a week is the thinking of someone adequately medicated who feels fine that they can reduce or eliminate their meds. He's not saying I shouldn't try it, or that it won't succeed. He's just saying that he noticed a big difference when we went from once to twice a week therapy.
He also understood and agreed that twice a week therapy is really a different experience than once a week therapy. More continuity, more intensity. A totally different feel to it. Not just once a week therapy two times. He wonders if we could taper to three times in two weeks rather than once a week, to see if we could keep the best qualities of more frequent therapy while trying out less contact.
We found that we were in agreement on the nature of the therapeutic relationship. That it's different, but no less real and no less valuable than other sorts. That all relationships have rules and boundaries. But the rules and boundaries of therapy are just different. And he understands that given my childhood history of being the ersatz family counselor, I have a special respect for the role and the relationship as a valuable entity that one doesn't need to try to outgrow.
And it turned out to be an oddly enjoyable session, too. Despite all the anger and emotions. He spent a fair portion of the session laughing at certain aspects of the World According to Dinah, and I always like to be laughed at in a fond sort of way. It reminds me of my father in his better moods.
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