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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by DaisyM on August 25, 2004, at 13:17:54
I thought maybe since we all shared our last sessions, maybe we could share our first session back?
I was surprised to feel as anxious as I did about going back. Would he be there? I imagined myself sitting in the waiting room, getting more and more agitated. Lucky for me, he was waiting at the end of the hall (in plain sight and smiling, gosh, do you think he knew waiting would be hard?) and I didn't even have to go into the waiting room. It still took me a minute to get calm enough to talk.
He told me about his vacation and asked about my week. So I told him about the unexpected trip to my dad's. I talked in really big generalities, very little feelings or details. He asked how I was feeling and I said really tentative. He said he could tell that, but that he would go slow...not use the can opener but instead ease back those defenses. We talked about how I felt before he left and how embarrassing it was to have been so upset. He said he had expected me to say that, it was the grown up in charge taking over again. There was a lot of silence at the beginning of the session. So much to say...but too many contained emotions.
So he did what he always does, he reached in and talked to Little Daisy. He wanted to know how she felt being at my dad's, if she was scared?, etc. I tried to deflect him but then he quietly said, "She's mad at me." And I just burst into tears and it all tumbled out...10 days of missing him and fear and memories...in a jumble of sobs and words. I said, "So much for holding it in..." He said he didn't want that. He knew it needed to come out and we had a lot of work to do but we had a lot of time to do it. That he wasn't going anywhere again for a long while.
I gave him back his talisman but kept the picture, which he said was fine. He meant for me to have it. And I thanked him for providing that comfort and for being sensitive to those feelings, even if they were immature and silly. He said he was glad I trusted him enough to share those feelings and they were real and not silly. And he said he was glad we were back together and he thought we needed lots of contact for the next few weeks.
So I left feeling better (He came back!) yet I know I still need tons of reassurance that he hasn't changed in some way. Even he noted how disruptive even this relatively small break was and that it would take time for us to find our way back to the level of intense work we were doing. (umm, that's OK, I'll take the rest). I'll probably keep testing him all week, starting with the most basic question of "do I still need therapy this much?"
But for the most part, I'm just really happy he's back!
Posted by Aphrodite on August 25, 2004, at 14:50:37
In reply to First Session Back, posted by DaisyM on August 25, 2004, at 13:17:54
Your post sounds very hopeful. Even though it will take some time to get back into your comfort zone, you're off to a good start. It was Little Daisy who wanted to be reassured, so I am glad the gatekeeper let him do that for her.
Posted by Dinah on August 25, 2004, at 15:55:01
In reply to First Session Back, posted by DaisyM on August 25, 2004, at 13:17:54
> I tried to deflect him but then he quietly said, "She's mad at me."
Gosh, he's smart! Mine would never figure something like that out on my own. I'm not sure if it's because of his belief that I'm responsible for my own therapy or if he's plain dense, but I pretty much have to spell those things out for him. :)
I'm glad you're back home and feeling safer in now that your therapist is back.
Posted by gardenergirl on August 26, 2004, at 9:20:35
In reply to Re: First Session Back, posted by Dinah on August 25, 2004, at 15:55:01
Daisy,
That sounds like a wonderful session. I'm so glad your T is sensitive to how this break affected you and is willing to adjust to it.And don't forget to notice that you survived this break AND he came back! That's really important.
My first session back went pretty well, actually. In some ways, his vacation came at what might be a turning point in my therapy. He talked about noticing a hallmark of termination, and it didn't scare me as bad as usual. What he said was the hallmark was that I had switched resistances. The switch he said was a hallmark of term. is that instead of resisting memories I'm now resisting giving up dependence. This seems spot on. I really think that pdoc who was so abrupt about me "acting" like a child did me a favor. Who'd a thunk it?
So we talked about this, and it felt okay. Not entirely comfortable with it, or it wouldn't be a conflict. But I think I agree with him.
So we'll see. Glad you are back and that you and your T are back to working.
Warmly,
gg
Posted by Dinah on August 29, 2004, at 8:23:55
In reply to Re: First Session Back, posted by gardenergirl on August 26, 2004, at 9:20:35
> My first session back went pretty well, actually. In some ways, his vacation came at what might be a turning point in my therapy. He talked about noticing a hallmark of termination, and it didn't scare me as bad as usual.
GG, I am so impressed. I am beginning to see that I don't need my therapist quite so much, and it terrifies me. That's why I keep mentioning it on the board. I still get dizzy when I bring it up in therapy, so I'm trying to get used to the idea.
It's not actually the decrease in number of sessions that terrifies me so much. It's more the needing him less that brings on the terror. And I just don't understand that at all. If I need him less and don't need to see him as often, it should follow that the idea of needing him less shouldn't bother me.
I wish I could get to the point where you are.
Posted by Dinah on August 29, 2004, at 8:24:41
In reply to Re: First Session Back, posted by Dinah on August 29, 2004, at 8:23:55
Posted by Dinah on August 29, 2004, at 8:25:23
In reply to Re: First Session Back, posted by gardenergirl on August 26, 2004, at 9:20:35
Posted by Dinah on August 29, 2004, at 9:02:21
In reply to Re: First Session Back, posted by Dinah on August 29, 2004, at 8:23:55
It can't possibly be the reduction to once a week itself that is frightening. He's not nearly so busy that he couldn't add my second session back.
So it can't be that I'm afraid that I can't get by on seeing him once a week. I must be afraid that I can.
If I'm actually afraid of needing him less, then "needing him" must serve some purpose or have some value quite apart from "him". So if I can ascertain the value of "needing" separate from the value of "him", I should be able to address the issue more effectively.
If I separate the value my therapist provides, what is the value of *needing my therapist*? That is the question. And one that has no answer obvious to me. Does anyone have any ideas?
The only thing that springs to mind at all is that part of me is adamantly opposed to "growing up". No specificity there. The entire idea agitates me so much that there is never any rational explanation of the fear. Is it possible that *needing my therapist* is part of not growing up and admitting to a decrease in the need would activate the fear of growing up? Could that be why I'm clinging to the need separately from clinging to my therapist? And if so, how can that be addressed?
Posted by gardenergirl on August 29, 2004, at 10:11:32
In reply to Logically speaking, posted by Dinah on August 29, 2004, at 9:02:21
Dinah,
It sounds as if you are in a similar place...conflicted about dependent/independent. And resisting giving up dependence. That's what my T saw as a hallmark of termination. Now that doesn't mean that therapy's end is in the immediate future. I expect that processing the termination will take at least a few months for me. Given how long you have seen your T, I would hazard a guess that it wouldn't be unreasonable to work on termination for close to a year. I hope that isn't depressing. I think there will be a lot for you to process. Your separating needing from needing your T is a good step, I think.Good luck and keep posting. You always make me think...
gg
Posted by Dinah on August 29, 2004, at 13:30:54
In reply to Re: Logically speaking » Dinah, posted by gardenergirl on August 29, 2004, at 10:11:32
I edited my post to remove the part about my therapist having plenty of time and printed it out. I think I'll see if he'll let me fax it to him as I don't think I'll ever be able to give it to him in person. :(
I have a feeling I'll continue to go to therapy twice a week forever rather than discuss a topic that brings up so much anxiety - no matter how bored I am or how much I'd rather spend the money on something else.
Posted by gardenergirl on August 29, 2004, at 23:13:02
In reply to How about twenty years? :), posted by Dinah on August 29, 2004, at 13:30:54
Dinah,
You have to do what feels right to you. You could always give once per week a try and see how it goes. If it's awful, go back to twice a week. But then again, if you're sure it will be awful and contra-therapeutic, then stick with what you know works. You are a smart cookie. You know you better than anyone.warmly,
gg
Posted by daisym on August 30, 2004, at 14:37:42
In reply to Re: First Session Back, posted by Dinah on August 29, 2004, at 8:23:55
Dinah,
I have a far out thought. I think you might missed a really big thing:
>>>It's more the needing him less that brings on the terror. And I just don't understand that at all. If I need him less and don't need to see him as often, it should follow that the idea of needing him less shouldn't bother me
Haven't you been told that you are incapable of forming attachments? I seem to remember the psychiatrist from he** telling you this...And didn't you say that your own therapist thought you wouldn't be able to bond with anyone with him? So perhaps a part of you is worried that your lessening need for him means these things might be true. It has come up enough in your postings that I think it still bothers some part of you.
There is nothing wrong with needing someone who helps you feel secure and taken care of. I think we all need someone like that. I understand when we look at it from our adult perspectives that we want to be self-sufficient. But even if you were "grown up" all the way...you would still have a human need to be heard and understood...all parts of you...and this is what your therapist provides for you.
I fight with myself constantly about this fear of needing my therapist...and not needing him. To give up what I just found seems a cruel thing to ask. But to not be working towards giving it up seems self-indulgent and immature. *sigh*
Just my jumbled thoughts today.
Posted by Dinah on August 30, 2004, at 17:47:36
In reply to Needing, posted by daisym on August 30, 2004, at 14:37:42
> Haven't you been told that you are incapable of forming attachments? ... So perhaps a part of you is worried that your lessening need for him means these things might be true.
I think it *is* true about the me he knew then. At least a lot true if not all true. But it's not true of the me that's scared to death, and I know it.
>
> There is nothing wrong with needing someone who helps you feel secure and taken care of. I think we all need someone like that. I understand when we look at it from our adult perspectives that we want to be self-sufficient. But even if you were "grown up" all the way...you would still have a human need to be heard and understood...all parts of you...and this is what your therapist provides for you.
>
> I fight with myself constantly about this fear of needing my therapist...and not needing him. To give up what I just found seems a cruel thing to ask. But to not be working towards giving it up seems self-indulgent and immature. *sigh*
>Yes! It does seem cruel! I can honestly say that I wouldn't cave in to the demands and anger and "rationality" of doing what I should do. Not about this. But I don't seem to need to work towards giving it up. Working towards *not* giving it up doesn't even seem to help. :(((((
It is just happening. I'm not trying. It's just happening. And it's hard to fight that. And the reasons it might just be happening are scary as heck. I *liked* being a daughter. I didn't like growing up and getting married and being expected to be a grownup in the real world. I *like* needing my therapist. Not needing him seems to imply all sorts of things I'd rather not think about.
Daisy. I want to thank you for the perfect timing of your post. I went to my last session in super rational mode, and I didn't want to go to tomorrow's session the same way.
This is the end of the thread.
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