Posted by DaisyM on August 25, 2004, at 13:17:54
I thought maybe since we all shared our last sessions, maybe we could share our first session back?
I was surprised to feel as anxious as I did about going back. Would he be there? I imagined myself sitting in the waiting room, getting more and more agitated. Lucky for me, he was waiting at the end of the hall (in plain sight and smiling, gosh, do you think he knew waiting would be hard?) and I didn't even have to go into the waiting room. It still took me a minute to get calm enough to talk.
He told me about his vacation and asked about my week. So I told him about the unexpected trip to my dad's. I talked in really big generalities, very little feelings or details. He asked how I was feeling and I said really tentative. He said he could tell that, but that he would go slow...not use the can opener but instead ease back those defenses. We talked about how I felt before he left and how embarrassing it was to have been so upset. He said he had expected me to say that, it was the grown up in charge taking over again. There was a lot of silence at the beginning of the session. So much to say...but too many contained emotions.
So he did what he always does, he reached in and talked to Little Daisy. He wanted to know how she felt being at my dad's, if she was scared?, etc. I tried to deflect him but then he quietly said, "She's mad at me." And I just burst into tears and it all tumbled out...10 days of missing him and fear and memories...in a jumble of sobs and words. I said, "So much for holding it in..." He said he didn't want that. He knew it needed to come out and we had a lot of work to do but we had a lot of time to do it. That he wasn't going anywhere again for a long while.
I gave him back his talisman but kept the picture, which he said was fine. He meant for me to have it. And I thanked him for providing that comfort and for being sensitive to those feelings, even if they were immature and silly. He said he was glad I trusted him enough to share those feelings and they were real and not silly. And he said he was glad we were back together and he thought we needed lots of contact for the next few weeks.
So I left feeling better (He came back!) yet I know I still need tons of reassurance that he hasn't changed in some way. Even he noted how disruptive even this relatively small break was and that it would take time for us to find our way back to the level of intense work we were doing. (umm, that's OK, I'll take the rest). I'll probably keep testing him all week, starting with the most basic question of "do I still need therapy this much?"
But for the most part, I'm just really happy he's back!
poster:DaisyM
thread:382174
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040821/msgs/382174.html