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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by tryingtobewise on August 25, 2004, at 22:06:34
Hi Everyone,
I am fairly new here. Just posted "my story" in Dinah's thread above. Anyway, I am wondering if any of you have ever brought things up in therapy, fully discussed & taken "counsel" from your T on how to deal with a specific situation (i.e. job or marriage), and then just not done it! If so, do you feel guilty or silly going back time after time & reporting that you are doing nothing?
I have a very odd job situation (in fact my first post ever here was about it). I have concluded, with my T, that it is probably best if I move on from it. We discussed this over the course of several weeks when I was very distressed. However, although I recognize it may be best, I've decided not to move on from the job. But now I feel stupid for bringing it up in the first place! Although at the time, the situation was causing me much anguish, and probably will again down the road, but for the time being is sort of back under control.
Does this make sense? Can anyone relate?
Thanks!
Posted by alexandra_k on August 25, 2004, at 22:51:44
In reply to Disregarding T Advice..., posted by tryingtobewise on August 25, 2004, at 22:06:34
Yup, I can relate. Sometimes I get really depressed about my living situation and so I discuss it with my T. We decide that it is better for me to move out and so I agree to try to look for a place. But then I rethink and figure that things aren't so bad really, and I would hate to move somewhere even worse, so I decide just to maintain the status quo for the time being. Then I have to explain all this to my T, realising that a month or so down the track I'll probably start whining about it again...
I think that part of what helped improve how I felt about my living situation was realising that I really could move out if I chose. Just realising that I didn't have to be there made the situation better for me. I don't think that you should feel bad / silly for disregarding advice, it may be enough to realise that you do have options, you can always leave, and you don't have to put up with the situation. Just knowing that can make it easier to bear sometimes and so I think that there is a value in getting out what is on your mind whether or not you decide to do something about it at this stage.
Posted by Racer on August 26, 2004, at 2:13:35
In reply to Re: Disregarding T Advice..., posted by alexandra_k on August 25, 2004, at 22:51:44
(Warning -- very sleep deprived right now...)
This sounds so simple, yet it's so difficult somehow to get myself around it -- but here it is: "If you didn't have that *need* to waffle over these things in therapy over and over -- you probably wouldn't feel the need to *be* in therapy in the first place." (Check it out, Dinah, if you read this: I managed to say it SHORT! I'm learnin' from your example.)
Honestly, yes, I know that I do it consistently enough to have agonized over it -- and I've talked to enough people about it that I now kinda *know* that it's -- shall we say -- not uncommon.
Personally, I think Alexandra_k has the right track with "sometimes just knowing you have a choice is enough." The two examples you've brought up between you -- job change and change of living situation -- are on the list of the top five life stressors. Even if it ever looks simple enough to you -- give yourself permission to be human for actively trying to avoid living through such complex and stressful experiences. (Trust me -- I know how hard this is.)
In college, one of my buddies used to have this rant about "After The Age Of 10, You Will Never Again Decisively Win Any Argument" because after about that age, there is too much background noise from things like experience, maturity in the brain, sex drive locking in, and so on. I think I believe that the key is most of us eventually learn to turn down the volume on that background noise, a lot of the petty stuff doesn't seem so vital anymore, and -- honestly -- most of us have had enough of those truly weird experiences where we have kinda figured out that you get all the information you can find, you balance it out in the good and bad columns -- and then you flip a coin. The results are just about as likely to be accurate in predictive power.
On the other hand, I'm a psychiatric patient -- what do I know about any of this?
;-)
Posted by Dinah on August 26, 2004, at 8:55:21
In reply to Re: Disregarding T Advice..., posted by Racer on August 26, 2004, at 2:13:35
> (Check it out, Dinah, if you read this: I managed to say it SHORT! I'm learnin' from your example.)
But I like your style just fine, and don't think you should change it a bit! (Unless it's a problem to you, of course.) I wouldn't try to shorten your posts a word. :)
Posted by Dinah on August 26, 2004, at 9:18:05
In reply to Disregarding T Advice..., posted by tryingtobewise on August 25, 2004, at 22:06:34
Hey, and I'm glad you joined us!
I do that all the time. I'm pretty sure therapists are used to that. If it were as easy as saying XXX would be better for me, and then we all did it, we probably wouldn't need therapists at all. They understand that it needs repetition and more repetition to begin to make changes.
Plus, they also understand that a lot of times there are more benefits to us in our present situations than we might think. A lot of times when I have trouble changing something, it helps me to take a second look at the benefits I gain from the situation.
I remember at one time there was a situation that was clearly stressful and not in my best interests. Yet my I never made any moves to change it even with my therapist's encouragement. Eventually, it was changed *for* me, by circumstances beyond my control. And voila! The benefits of the situation were readily apparent by their absence. I was getting a lot of hidden emotion benefits despite the emotional cost.
The same thing crops up over and over again at work. My work is objectively not good for me mentally or health-wise. Yet I never change it. But if I look to the intangible, but real, benefits that I get from my job, it's clear why it's so difficult to change.
So when I have trouble changing something that seems to clearly need changing, I start looking for the not so clear (and sometimes very well hidden) benefits I get from not changing, and am often frequently surprised.
Posted by Susan47 on August 26, 2004, at 10:06:03
In reply to Disregarding T Advice..., posted by tryingtobewise on August 25, 2004, at 22:06:34
Don't feel badly about changing your mind tryingtobewise... I think we're all like that to some extent you know. Your level of pain just hasn't exceeded your desire for familiarity. If and when it does, you'll do what's right when the time is right. Don't feel embarrassed by what your therapist might be thinking. I'll be s/he's familiar with what you're going through.
Posted by DaisyM on August 26, 2004, at 12:37:22
In reply to Disregarding T Advice..., posted by tryingtobewise on August 25, 2004, at 22:06:34
My therapist is always telling me that "naming it" (identification of stressor) doesn't mean you can just change it. We often know for very long periods of time what we "should" do but can't for so many reasons. It is so much easier to say what should be done than do what should be done.
I think therapy is about support. And you really need support when you are feeling so conflicted. It is the support that eventually will probably lead you to make small changes...and then maybe a big one. You therapist isn't judging you, I'm sure. I'm guessing she knows how hard a job change would be. Give yourself time.
And don't hold back your feelings about your job just because you think, "well, I have no right to complain about my job if I'm not willing to change it." My therapist always says "screw that! complain away! You don't have to reasonable or fair in here." I love that! Makes me feel less guilty about complaining.
take good care
Daisy
Posted by tryingtobewise on August 26, 2004, at 21:13:14
In reply to Disregarding T Advice..., posted by tryingtobewise on August 25, 2004, at 22:06:34
Thank you so much for all your responses! Everything you wrote rang true...from knowing you have choices can alleviate stress, to the fact that there are benefits to the status quo, and to Racer's comment that if I didn't waffle over these difficult decisions I might not need therapy in the first place! That is just so true!
So I will try to ignore my worry that I look stupid in my T's eyes for not doing more about the situation and accept that right now my stress is lessened just because we've talked about it.
Thanks again!
Kim
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