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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by B2chica on June 23, 2004, at 9:48:44
Terrics, i don't even need a response...i just need you to listen...please.
The ache is so bad inside i don't know how to even handle it right now...so today i'm numb, i'm pushing it down.i have to.
I had my T appt. yesterday and up till monday night i thought Finally i can start to talk...really talk about MY issues instead of weekly events. Then i got a phone call that was so incredible disturbing..i'm still pretty numb from that. I know this recent phone call is mixing with feelings that i haven't quite delt with or even understand yet. But are mixing and bringing new ones...it's making everything worse.
I would like to tell details about the phone call but if i do i'll probably be permanantly banned from this board. i feel...i feel sick to my stomach.
i tried starting off and just telling my T about the phone call and what happened, but i'm so used to covering my real feelings and not letting anyone see a true reaction that i covered with my T and i think he read my confusion and fear of my TRUE thoughts as being "lonelyness" instead of what they really are. And i couldn't correct him.
and of course i had my standard delayed breakdown last night...wailing and cutting.
I'm so tired of this cycle.
...i'm just not ready, i can't talk about my background, not even to babble. it scares me. i can't risk loosing the people here. Yet i know the reason i've been able to keep the strength to continue even going to my T is because deep down i know i need help. i know i think...i need to let out some things, to ask the questions i've been needing to understand what's really happened.
i'm scared terrics, i'm really scared. i don't understand what the h@ll is going on with me. all this has me so messed up, i don't even know...i don't know anything anymore.
i'm just to tired, so scared, so numb....so tired.thank you for listening.
b2c.
Posted by daisym on June 23, 2004, at 13:32:16
In reply to terrics please...., posted by B2chica on June 23, 2004, at 9:48:44
Your post touched me. I can tell how conflicted you are with FINALLY letting it out and yet remaining in the safe place of hiding it all. Whatever the secret is, know that your Therapist won't judge you. (neither will we btw). We've all had terrible things happen to us and we've all, at one time or another, done things we are ashamed of.
My experience was after 41 years of NEVER discussing my childhood trauma, (I told one person, 1x, one sentence, no discussion) I tortured myself for a month about wanting to tell my Therapist. I had to ask myself why I suddenly needed to tell, how would he react and how could I get the words out? It was so loaded with fear that I had to try for 2 whole sessions before I finally blurted it out. Then I went home and threw up.
You are not alone in your fear. But your Therapist isn't a mind reader. So whatever it is, if you need help around it, try to let it out in one way or another. Especially if it is about cutting. This is so much more common than you think.
Take care of yourself. I can "hear" how freaked out you are. Can you close your eyes, just for a minute, and imagine yourself in a safe place? Think of a peaceful sound or song, and add that in. Take a couple of deep breaths, and relax a tiny bit on each exhale. Breath away the tension. Rinse and repeat as necessary. Hang on.
And, call your Therapist if you need to. Even leaving a message about what was "wrong" in the session might be away to open the door.
Daisy
Posted by B2chica on June 23, 2004, at 17:02:15
In reply to I'm not Terrics, but... » B2chica, posted by daisym on June 23, 2004, at 13:32:16
Daisy thank you for you kind words. Conflicted is an understatement. i feel like i'm at war with myself. A dark, alone, violent, confusing war.
> Your post touched me. I can tell how conflicted you are with FINALLY letting it out and yet remaining in the safe place of hiding it all. Whatever the secret is, know that your Therapist won't judge you. (neither will we btw). We've all had terrible things happen to us and we've all, at one time or another, done things we are ashamed of
-well...i've read here and many HAVE had terrible things happen-i feel so incredibly bad for them, but there's a part of me....little... tiny part of me...that envy's them. (this is where you throw rocks-i won't fight back) i wished it had happened that way for me-so clear. i just don't understand what happened to me. What i've tried to find online sounds like it's all on me and it's no big deal (no adults involved)...i don't know how to catagorize it and i want to scream "I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!!!!". at times i feel like a victim, other times i'm SO angry with myself and say i have NO right to consider myself a victim.
-God help me. I'm sorry, i'm really sorry to all those that have been through terrible things.
- i guess i'm just very afraid, i'm afraid of hearing those words...
"there's nothing wrong with that...they didn't mean any harm."
the other thing is them looking at me with nothing but disgust in their eyes and say...say "that's sick, you're not a victim, you're just stupid" "how could you let that happen? and
"why didn't you stop any of that?"
>Can you close your eyes, just for a minute...
no. infact i wish i could keep my eyes open forever. all i see are the sickening shameful pictures of "episodes" throughout my growing up.
-and now...after that phone call-just made everything worse.i feel so sick to my stomach, i think i'm going to leave work and just go home. maybe i should take tomorrow off, and just let all this pass.
i do thank you for your kind words.
and...what i wrote above is the most i've ever said about any of this...i'm afraid to hit that submit button, i'm making myself sick about it so i need to just do it before i erase it all.
b2c.
Posted by daisym on June 23, 2004, at 19:17:23
In reply to Re: I'm not Terrics, but... » daisym, posted by B2chica on June 23, 2004, at 17:02:15
I want you to believe with your whole heart that you did not say too much, I'm not going to blame you nor am I going to dismiss your pain as "self-inflicted" making you somehow deserving of it. I'm touched that you said as much as you did. It must have been very hard to push send. But you did it. I'm honored.
Whatever happened to you, it is hurting you. However it happened, whatever the ages, doesn't matter. It is hurting you now. Everyone's experiences are different and who you are and how you respond is what counts, and there is no predicting emotional scars. Some people can tolerate getting yelled at, others fold into tears and others yell back. So you can't impose a "should" on any of this, especially how you feel.
Your therapist will want to help you sort through this hurt. To look at what part of the hurt is self-blame and shame, what part is outward anger and what part is betrayal and devastation. I'm sorry it makes you sick to your stomach, I certainly understand those feelings.
I wish I knew what to say to really help you with the fear of telling. It is a huge, ugly monster with a grip of iron. but you are really doing great by trying to get it out. Keep trying.
Daisy
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