Posted by B2chica on June 23, 2004, at 17:02:15
In reply to I'm not Terrics, but... » B2chica, posted by daisym on June 23, 2004, at 13:32:16
Daisy thank you for you kind words. Conflicted is an understatement. i feel like i'm at war with myself. A dark, alone, violent, confusing war.
> Your post touched me. I can tell how conflicted you are with FINALLY letting it out and yet remaining in the safe place of hiding it all. Whatever the secret is, know that your Therapist won't judge you. (neither will we btw). We've all had terrible things happen to us and we've all, at one time or another, done things we are ashamed of
-well...i've read here and many HAVE had terrible things happen-i feel so incredibly bad for them, but there's a part of me....little... tiny part of me...that envy's them. (this is where you throw rocks-i won't fight back) i wished it had happened that way for me-so clear. i just don't understand what happened to me. What i've tried to find online sounds like it's all on me and it's no big deal (no adults involved)...i don't know how to catagorize it and i want to scream "I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!!!!". at times i feel like a victim, other times i'm SO angry with myself and say i have NO right to consider myself a victim.
-God help me. I'm sorry, i'm really sorry to all those that have been through terrible things.
- i guess i'm just very afraid, i'm afraid of hearing those words...
"there's nothing wrong with that...they didn't mean any harm."
the other thing is them looking at me with nothing but disgust in their eyes and say...say "that's sick, you're not a victim, you're just stupid" "how could you let that happen? and
"why didn't you stop any of that?"
>Can you close your eyes, just for a minute...
no. infact i wish i could keep my eyes open forever. all i see are the sickening shameful pictures of "episodes" throughout my growing up.
-and now...after that phone call-just made everything worse.i feel so sick to my stomach, i think i'm going to leave work and just go home. maybe i should take tomorrow off, and just let all this pass.
i do thank you for your kind words.
and...what i wrote above is the most i've ever said about any of this...i'm afraid to hit that submit button, i'm making myself sick about it so i need to just do it before i erase it all.
b2c.
poster:B2chica
thread:359373
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040614/msgs/359524.html