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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 7 to 31 of 31. Go back in thread:
Posted by fayeroe on March 20, 2004, at 16:01:05
In reply to Re: Another Writing Assignment - Wishes, posted by Dinah on March 20, 2004, at 14:12:25
i LOVE THIS ONE! I'd wish that my daughters would know that I have wishes. I'd wish that I could express my wishes without being called a drama queen. I don't have a therapist but would someone send theirs over to clean out my carport?
Posted by EmmyS on March 20, 2004, at 18:22:32
In reply to Another Writing Assignment - Wishes, posted by DaisyM on March 20, 2004, at 0:40:20
I have seriously struggled with what should be the EASY part. I can't get past what I'd ask a friend to do. Now, I don't even ask friends for rides to the mechanic - I'm broke, but I'll take a cab for $24! Hmmmm? See a problem here? Try as I might, I can't, even in fantasy land, ask a friend to do something for me. Good thing I'm in therapy...and good thing it's not with Daisy's T!!! Well, ugh...OK...it would be nice if my best pal would brush my hair like mom used to do. But I'd need a lot of kleenex.
Now, the 2nd part was easy and fun. I want my T to come to my place for a change. I want to show him around, show him my special cherished items, maybe cook him lunch while we talk. I'd ask him for the honest truth about what he thinks of me as a human, and as a patient. Like Daisy, I'd ask how what he thinks I should work on to make myself a stronger person, and a better "people helper".
Thanks for making me think about this, Daisy.
Emmy
Posted by gardenergirl on March 20, 2004, at 18:58:13
In reply to Another Writing Assignment - Wishes, posted by DaisyM on March 20, 2004, at 0:40:20
Daisy,
I'm with you on the friend one. It sounds like a wonderful time. Another thought I had was to ask for the God honest truth, warts and all about how they perceive me. But your day sounds so fulfilling and soothing. I think I would ask my husband to do this.As far as asking my T, that's really tough. I think I also would ask for a God's honest truth appraisal. But then, I am feeling pretty good right now, so perhaps I am under the delusion that I could handle it. But I sometimes wonder what his conceptualization of me is, i.e. how bad is it?
But then I know I would never ask. Daisy, you are so brave. Your T is asking you to do this assignment, I assume, in order to share it with him after? So what you would ask of him becomes out in the open. Wow. I could not do that openly and honestly. I would be too worried about the outcome.
Thanks for sharing your assignments. They always make me think.
gg
Posted by lonelygirl on March 20, 2004, at 20:48:44
In reply to Re: Another Writing Assignment - Wishes » lonelygirl, posted by Pfinstegg on March 20, 2004, at 12:08:23
You tell him about your wishes about him? (The ones that you leave to our imaginations?) What does he say?
Posted by lonelygirl on March 20, 2004, at 21:02:16
In reply to Re: Another Writing Assignment - Wishes, posted by gardenergirl on March 20, 2004, at 18:58:13
I think my wish would be to know the truth about what he really thinks of me... except that I have a feeling it would be bad. I just imagine him sitting there thinking, "God, she's annoying! I wish she would stop coming. I have to sit here with my 'calm demeanor,' looking at her fat, ugly face for a whole hour, when all I really want to do is reach over and smack her. I can see why she doesn't have any friends -- who does she think could possibly like someone like her? She is the most worthless, lazy piece of $#!& I have ever had the displeasure of meeting in my entire life! I hope she doesn't have a crush on me, because that would just make me puke."
It drives me crazy not to know what he is really thinking. I know that when he is nice to me, it's just a carefully planned set of mind tricks to make me trust him or something. Even if he really does hate me, it's not like he could come right out and say it, so instead, he just sits there with his calm demeanor, silently hating me, while I, like the idiot I am, fall for his tricks and love him. The problem is, I so enjoy his being nice to me, but at the same time, I sort of wish that he would just come right out and say the mean stuff to me, just so I finally KNOW the truth. Then I would get mad at him and not feel attached to him any more, and I think (strangely) I would feel a lot better.
Posted by Dinah on March 20, 2004, at 21:17:16
In reply to Really want to know the truth?, posted by lonelygirl on March 20, 2004, at 21:02:16
And what if that isn't what he's thinking?
What if he's thinking that he wishes he could help you see how much you have to offer the world? That he wants to help you be the best you can be? That he wants you to know there are people that you can trust to be in your corner if only you'll let them?
It is scary to be attached, isn't it? I used to think of reasons to shake my attachment. I used to obsessively read therapist horror stories to see all the reasons I couldn't trust my therapist (I guess I still do sometimes). But darn it, he always stayed trustworthy, no matter what I did or how much I tried to convince myself otherwise.
It seemed so simple to me. People I cared about used that caring to hurt me, or let me down emotionally. So therefore it wasn't safe to care. But I think I was missing out on so much by protecting myself so carefully. And my therapist is the one who taught me that. :) Not only with himself, but also by encouraging me to reach out to others. (Not that it always worked, because it didn't. But it worked more often than I would have guessed.)
Posted by Fallen4myT on March 20, 2004, at 21:29:20
In reply to Re: Another Writing Assignment - Wishes » lonelygirl, posted by Pfinstegg on March 20, 2004, at 12:08:23
That's a dangerous thing to do with MY imagination :P
<<<Re-experiencing wishes and desires in relation to HIM has been the most helpful of all. Some actually come true- like the deepening of our connection- others of course never will (those I'll leave to everyone's imagination!) >>>
Posted by Pfinstegg on March 20, 2004, at 21:30:18
In reply to Re: Another Writing Assignment - Wishes » Pfinstegg, posted by lonelygirl on March 20, 2004, at 20:48:44
He almost always responds with some brief words, or sounds (like mm..) letting me know that the wishes are OK to have. Sometimes he says, "I'm glad you were able to tell me that". Then, he is quiet again, so that it's up to me to go on with the thoughts and wishes. There isn't much in the way of long explanations or interpretations by him. As we go along, I am getting always closer and closer to the wishes (and also the rage and disappointment) I have towards my mother and father, the first alcoholic and often sadistic, and the latter quite depressed- and not much present as a mother during my earliest years. These are early, right-hemisphere type communications, involving a lot a pain and longing; he is careful to try to remain in a right hemisphere mode also- mostly empathizing with my feelings by using his feelings and his body language. This type of communication helps the most in terms of my feeling understood, and finding ways to lessen the pain these experiences have left inside me. Not that he has said so, but I think this way of communicating is quite taxing for the therapist, as it invariably taps into his own unconscious painful experiences, which, although much less than mine, must exist.. So he has to be accepting and empathic of my pain, while dealing with his own, also. I think it is amazing that so many therapists have the stamina and courage to do these things, hour after hour, and day after day.
I was joking a little about "experiences best left to the imagination". That naturally makes one think of sexual longings for the therapist, but in truth, even those give way quite rapidly to the basic longings which were unmet in childhood. At least, I find that this is what happens to me.
Well, that is as honest an answer as I can give at the moment.....
Posted by Fallen4myT on March 20, 2004, at 21:32:47
In reply to Really want to know the truth?, posted by lonelygirl on March 20, 2004, at 21:02:16
Um Lonelygirl I think youre way too hard on youreself and I am so sad about that. I bet you are funny, cute and nice but have a distorted self image. He may really just like you. You do not like attachments do you???
HUGS AND SORRY YOURE SO DOWN ON YOU :(
Posted by lonelygirl on March 20, 2004, at 21:57:53
In reply to Re: Really want to know the truth? » lonelygirl, posted by Fallen4myT on March 20, 2004, at 21:32:47
I hate how people always assume that I am exaggerating and digging for compliments when I am honest about myself. Believe me, I am definitely NOT cute. I am very overweight (for real, I am fat enough to qualify for gastric bypass surgery) and just ugly. I have never been liked or asked out by a guy in my entire life. I am really, seriously not cute in the least.
I am not very nice either. The whole reason I got sent to counseling in the first place was that I got in a fight with another girl and said things to her that weren't nice, and he knows that, and he knows that I'm not nice. As a matter of fact, he knows me better than any of the other 50,000 people or so on the campus (I have talked to him a total of 9 hours), so he knows even more about how not nice I really am.
I suppose I may be a little funny, but even my sense of humor puts people off sometimes. As a matter of fact, the person from the school who forced me to go to counseling in the first place told me (I had to meet with him about the incident), "You're so sarcastic -- and you're not even funny." I don't have any friends, and nobody likes me, so I highly doubt that he would like me any more than anybody else. In fact, he probably hates me more than anybody else because he knows me better than they do. Some people just hate me in a shallow way, because they think that I'm stupid and ugly, but he hates me because he thinks that I am a horrible, and probably crazy, person.
You are correct, though, that I do not like attachments. Sometimes, I wish I had just gotten assigned to someone I couldn't stand, and then when my mandatory counseling was up, I could have left and never looked back. Unfortunately, it didn't happen that way.
Posted by Fallen4myT on March 20, 2004, at 22:08:27
In reply to Re: Really want to know the truth? » Fallen4myT, posted by lonelygirl on March 20, 2004, at 21:57:53
I do not think you are exaggerating I think that is how YOU see YOU and being you do not like yourself too much you may put up a sheild to not be liked..thats just my thinking on it. It is my opinion that one can be obese....and nasty in mood and still not be "ugly" To ME ugly is rare and based not on hurt and possible defense mechinisims but by truly HATEFUL people and they IMO are rare...You can be obese and not ugly or any of that. I am thinking MAYBE he doesnt see a bad nasty person he may see a sad and angry one and doesnt hate you. AND I am agreeing I am right on attachments. I have a nephew he must weigh over 300 pounds but he is so nice and cute and funny..he could be surly from pain and I would see him not as ugly but as needing help because I could see he was maybe that way to keep folks away..You want to be disliked I am thinking?
> I hate how people always assume that I am exaggerating and digging for compliments when I am honest about myself. Believe me, I am definitely NOT cute. I am very overweight (for real, I am fat enough to qualify for gastric bypass surgery) and just ugly. I have never been liked or asked out by a guy in my entire life. I am really, seriously not cute in the least.
>
> I am not very nice either. The whole reason I got sent to counseling in the first place was that I got in a fight with another girl and said things to her that weren't nice, and he knows that, and he knows that I'm not nice. As a matter of fact, he knows me better than any of the other 50,000 people or so on the campus (I have talked to him a total of 9 hours), so he knows even more about how not nice I really am.
>
> I suppose I may be a little funny, but even my sense of humor puts people off sometimes. As a matter of fact, the person from the school who forced me to go to counseling in the first place told me (I had to meet with him about the incident), "You're so sarcastic -- and you're not even funny." I don't have any friends, and nobody likes me, so I highly doubt that he would like me any more than anybody else. In fact, he probably hates me more than anybody else because he knows me better than they do. Some people just hate me in a shallow way, because they think that I'm stupid and ugly, but he hates me because he thinks that I am a horrible, and probably crazy, person.
>
> You are correct, though, that I do not like attachments. Sometimes, I wish I had just gotten assigned to someone I couldn't stand, and then when my mandatory counseling was up, I could have left and never looked back. Unfortunately, it didn't happen that way.
Posted by Dinah on March 20, 2004, at 22:17:44
In reply to Re: Really want to know the truth? » Fallen4myT, posted by lonelygirl on March 20, 2004, at 21:57:53
Well, I'm not going to argue about your looks. Because I'm overweight and plain, and I don't think it matters all that much. Not when it comes to whether or not I like someone. Perhaps if I were prettier, I would think it mattered more. But I doubt it.
But I will tell you that I don't think this post sounds like it comes from a person without redeeming qualities, or from a person who would be considered unlikeable by a therapist.
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040313/msgs/325932.html
You express caring and concern about your therapist, and empathy for his difficult job. Do you show those facets of yourself in therapy? Either towards him or towards others?
And I'm not biting on compliment-bait either. I didn't see your post that way. I'm just expressing an opinion.
Posted by lonelygirl on March 21, 2004, at 0:37:16
In reply to Re: Really want to know the truth? » lonelygirl, posted by Dinah on March 20, 2004, at 21:17:16
Well, I'm sure he wants to help me, no matter how much he dislikes me, because that's his job. I guess I respect him for not letting his personal feelings about me get in the way of trying to help me, but it still drives me crazy...
The problem with trusting someone is that you never really can. You can go for years trusting someone in every way. As long as he continues to uphold your trust, you think that he is trustworthy. But at any point in the future, he can simply decide that he no longer needs your trust, and stab you in the back, so to speak. At this point, you know that he was really untrustworthy all along. The only time you can be certain about the trustworthiness of an individual is if he proves himself NOT to be trustworthy. Or maybe if he goes to the grave without ever betraying your trust. He said, "I'm not going to abandon you." Well, that's fine, as long as he doesn't, but what if, say, he found out that I like him romantically and he was uncomfortable with that and decided to terminate? Then his promise will mean nothing, and he won't care because it won't matter to him any more whether or not I believe him.
I don't mean to disparage your relationship with your therapist (or anyone else's with theirs), and I hope my writing about this hasn't made anyone else worried... I suppose that if he has proven his trust in something (for example, if you told him you loved him and he was ok with it), then you could be fairly confident that you could at least trust him with things smaller than that, and if you have that, it's good. You're lucky.
But yeah, I hate the attachment. I think almost any relationship is at least a little bit lopsided -- one person needs the other more than vice versa. I don't think I have ever been on the good side of that. The last time I had a "real" friend was about 6 or 7 years ago, when I was in high school; she was my only friend, but she had other friends. I was constantly having to fight for her attention. I always had to be the one to call her (she never called me first); I was always the one to invite her over; I wrote to her at summer camp every day for a month, and felt lucky to hear back from her 3 or 4 times. I put up with it only because I knew that she could ditch me any second and barely miss me, but the same thing would be devastating to me. It is similar with my psychologist. Although he is human too and he probably likes to have my approval, he doesn't need it. He already has a wife, and friends, and people who really care about him, so even if I were to hurt him, he could brush it off pretty easily. But he has this enormous amount of power over me, because he is the only one who pays any attention to me, and the only one who is nice to me, and the more addicted I get to him, the more devastating it would be for me to find out he hates me.
Posted by Fallen4myT on March 21, 2004, at 0:47:34
In reply to Re: Really want to know the truth? » Dinah, posted by lonelygirl on March 21, 2004, at 0:37:16
A really good book to consider on Attatchments is called ...." Attatchments...why you love, feel and act the way you do" it's by Dr Tim Clinton and Dr Gary Sibcy I think people who avoid/fear attachment are most afraid of being rejected. I also think that people who are overly intellectual are running from FEELINGS and the reverese is that people who are overly emotional are afraid of reality. These are JUST my opinions and are not related to any one in particular. I was just thinking on our talking on Attachments and this all hit me
Posted by pegasus on March 21, 2004, at 1:27:27
In reply to Another Writing Assignment - Wishes, posted by DaisyM on March 20, 2004, at 0:40:20
Good assignment, as usual! Thanks for sharing, Daisy.
I would ask a friend to tell me all the nice things they really think about me, such as why they want to be my friend. And then hang out all day doing fun stuff. (And then clean out my shed.)
I would ask my T to hug me long and hard, and to mean it. And honestly tell me good things about myself too, in their own words, in a way that I can really believe (there's the catch).
I guess I don't want to know the bad stuff. I just want to be approved of. I think all of you who want to know the whole truth (even if bad) are very brave.
- p
Posted by Dinah on March 21, 2004, at 9:04:56
In reply to Re: Really want to know the truth? » Dinah, posted by lonelygirl on March 21, 2004, at 0:37:16
OMG, I can't believe I'm about to sound like my therapist. And say what he told me so many times.
There may come a time when my therapist lets me down. But he won't be "stabbing me in the back", because he will never have the intent of letting me down or the intent to hurt me. Life might happen. He might get sick or have to move or die or be forced to stop practicing even part time. But he'll do his best not to hurt me along the way.
And there will be a difference, even though it doesn't feel like it. Like my best friend moved hundreds of miles away and we hardly ever see or hear from him any more. It still felt bad. But it wasn't a betrayal.
By the way, I trust my therapist now because I knew he didn't like me for the first few years of therapy, but he behaved well anyway. I've told him so. He says he just didn't know me well enough then. And I don't get the same feeling that he doesn't like me anymore. I think I exasperate him, but I don't think he dislikes me.
Posted by terrics on March 21, 2004, at 11:21:30
In reply to Another Writing Assignment - Wishes, posted by DaisyM on March 20, 2004, at 0:40:20
I would go with your first choice when it comes to writing what you want from your T. I think he wants you to be honest so he can help you. terrics
Posted by lonelygirl on March 21, 2004, at 12:43:58
In reply to Re: Really want to know the truth? » lonelygirl, posted by Dinah on March 21, 2004, at 9:04:56
Well, that isn't the kind of "betrayal" I am thinking about (as a matter of fact, I am the one who is probably going to be moving away, as I am graduating in May and probably moving back to my home state; either way, I can't go to the student health center any more after I graduate). If "life happens," as you put it, I may be unhappy or even upset about it, but I wouldn't consider it "stabbing me in the back." (I am not THAT unreasonable!)
I guess what I worry about more is that I am telling him all these things about myself and he is being nice to me, acting like he likes me, but he probably really hates me. Or if I tell him something that is meant to be private, but he uses it to report that I am "a danger to [my]self or others" and get me in trouble. Or even, the last time I see him, I tell him I will miss him and he just laughs in my face and says, "Too bad; I'm glad to get rid of you -- finally. Good riddance!" and then I would have been there trusting him all along only to find this out at the end.
Posted by lonelygirl on March 21, 2004, at 15:05:52
In reply to Another Writing Assignment - Wishes, posted by DaisyM on March 20, 2004, at 0:40:20
I have thought of what my real wish would be (for my psychologist, anyway -- I don't know if I could answer the friend part, because I don't have any friends).
I would like to have a session about HIM, where I could ask him about himself. I would ask him about his family, what he was like as a kid (was he popular? What activities did he do? How did he spend his free time?), what he was like in college (was he in a fraternity? Was he wild, drinking every night and picking up lots of girls, or was he a perfect student who never did anything bad?)?
I would ask about his past relationships: how many girlfriends has he had? How and when did he meet his wife? Why did he decide to marry her? What are his friends like? What does he do in his spare time? What are his favorite movies? His favorite books? Does he feel like he can "be himself" with other people, or does he constantly feel like he is living other people's expectations about how a psychologist is supposed to act? Does he find himself instinctively "analyzing" everybody he knows, or, since he does that all day at work, does he try not to think about it when he's not at work? Do his friends turn to him for advice all the time just because he's a psychologist, and does he like that or hate it? What really annoys him, and what does he do about it? If he could change anything about his life, what would it be?
I would want to know about his career -- when and why did he decide to become a psychologist? Did he ever have doubts about it? How did he decide on the topic for his doctoral thesis? What would he have done if he hadn't gone into psychology? Is he glad he did? What does he like about his job, and what does he dislike about it? Does he plan to stay at the student health center, or does he have a different plan for his career?
It would probably take more than one session, though... I guess my other wish would be for him to keep going until he has told me everything, without looking at the clock. :)
Posted by Dinah on March 21, 2004, at 15:37:54
In reply to Another Writing Assignment - Wishes, posted by DaisyM on March 20, 2004, at 0:40:20
Oh, and I might ask for a picture. The one thing I really never did get my nerve up to ask for.
Posted by DaisyM on March 21, 2004, at 20:44:08
In reply to Re: Another Writing Assignment - Wishes, posted by Dinah on March 21, 2004, at 15:37:54
This is a great thread and really grew while I was out shopping for shoes. I like all the ideas, especially having my Therapist clean my garage. I also love the idea of my Therapist coming to MY office and interviewing him. That would be a kick. But that really isn't him doing something for me...it is me doing something, which is my MO and what we are working on. Isn't it amazing how many of us quickly took control and though it was something we wished for, it was only permission to ask or wish that we asked for. Being the recipient of someone doing for us is really really hard.
Posted by DaisyM on March 21, 2004, at 20:46:39
In reply to Re: Another Writing Assignment - Wishes, posted by EmmyS on March 20, 2004, at 18:22:32
We need a support group to make each other ask friends to help us out. How many times have you helped out friends!!!
Keep thinking...there must be something. You deserve to have someone help you and are worthy of support. Repeat this 12 times and try posting again!
Daisy
Posted by All Done on March 22, 2004, at 1:05:38
In reply to Re: Another Writing Assignment - Wishes, posted by Dinah on March 21, 2004, at 15:37:54
Posted by Dinah on March 22, 2004, at 9:13:33
In reply to You still can, no? :) (nm) » Dinah, posted by All Done on March 22, 2004, at 1:05:38
No. I don't think so. I've come to think that a picture is too personal an item for me to really want to accept, even if he were ok with it.
If it was a picture he had already given away to the world on the internet or in the newspapers, I'd be ok with it. So I'll just keep my eyes open.
On the other hand, the guided relaxation tape was just the right amount of personal. He made it for me, but it was closely related to therapy.
Posted by All Done on March 23, 2004, at 16:47:05
In reply to Re: You still can, no? :) » All Done, posted by Dinah on March 22, 2004, at 9:13:33
Disappointing, but I definitely see what you’re saying. Hopefully, a pic (from a good hair day, of course) will surface for you :).
This is the end of the thread.
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