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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by pinkeye on February 19, 2004, at 16:17:35
Hi,
I still have a very powerful attraction to my therapist. I have told him about it and he accepted it, but of course no reciprocation or anything on his part. But he was quite very nice about the whole thing. And after that my attraction towards him had subsided considerably for some time(or so I thought). But every now and then I still feel very strong powerful attraction towards him. I am having all these very romantic feelings that I think I had lost the power to feel long ago. Too bad I can't do anything about it and too bad I don't feel all this towards my husband.
(I don't see my therapist anymore and no way of seeing him. He did offer to allow me to write emails to him, but I have already written many with no response from him. And he and I agree I am fixed in other aspects so no need for another therapist)
Is this going to be the way I will always feel ??
PinkEye.
Posted by DaisyM on February 20, 2004, at 14:51:09
In reply to This powerful attraction - here to stay?, posted by pinkeye on February 19, 2004, at 16:17:35
You have an idealized version of him in your head. Like our first loves from high school, or an MD who saves us, or someone we love, those feelings emerge. So, yes, you may always feel some of those feelings.
As long as it doesn't get painful, like unrequitted love, then I wouldn't worry about it. Fantasy can be a good thing. But if it starts eating at you, wishing you could makes something happen, like force a meeting, etc., you might want to overlay some reality on your fantasy.
I don't have the experience of ending therapy (yet!) to compare feelings about, but in reading other posts here, it seems there is a wide variety of feelings after ending. Some still longing for the connection and support, others who seem to have a sweet, deep caring that they carry but aren't overwhelmed with.
Hang in there. Romantic love was never meant to be sustained. Husbands require work...lots and lots and lots of work...
Posted by pinkeye on February 20, 2004, at 16:29:15
In reply to Re: This powerful attraction - here to stay?, posted by DaisyM on February 20, 2004, at 14:51:09
Thanks Daisy for your response.
I will always carry him in my heart in a very special place. Most of the times I am ok with just carrying sweet memories, but sometimes it gets very painful and I wish there was a way we could have been together, but I know there absolutely isn't :-(. And I wonder why our husbands don't evoke the same feelings in us. Infact I hardly feel romantically attracted to my husband. Not even one hundredth of what I feel for my therapist. I do have a very good husband though.
Pinkeye.
Posted by DaisyM on February 20, 2004, at 17:17:49
In reply to Re: This powerful attraction - here to stay?, posted by pinkeye on February 20, 2004, at 16:29:15
Don't you think it is because the therapy setting is so intimate and so isolated from the real world? Think about what we get: total attention to OUR problems, no need to take care of this other person, no need to allow for bad days, bad moods or unpleasant physical attributes, if you know what I mean. Of course it might feel romantic. The attentiveness is something we don't get very many places.
I'm glad you have a good husband. I might suggest that maybe you plan the romance, not wait for him too. I think maybe I sometimes forget to list my husband's good qualities when I think about what he doesn't do.
Posted by pinkeye on February 20, 2004, at 18:00:50
In reply to Re: This powerful attraction - here to stay? » pinkeye, posted by DaisyM on February 20, 2004, at 17:17:49
> Don't you think it is because the therapy setting is so intimate and so isolated from the real world? Think about what we get: total attention to OUR problems, no need to take care of this other person, no need to allow for bad days, bad moods or unpleasant physical attributes, if you know what I mean. Of course it might feel romantic. The attentiveness is something we don't get very many places.
Well yes, that is true. I might have it exaggerated because of the therapy setting. But you know what, just being around him, just looking at the way he feels about things, just by his own qualities, I feel so good. And so many of my faulty conceptions of life have gone away just because of his association. I feel I would have been in love with him wherever I might have met him. He is the type .. Sigh !!! .And both of us are physically, age wise, compatible as well. We had such a good time together during some of our sessions.
>
> I'm glad you have a good husband. I might suggest that maybe you plan the romance, not wait for him too. I think maybe I sometimes forget to list my husband's good qualities when I think about what he doesn't do.
>I have never felt very romantically attracted to my husband. It was always a good friendship and that was all. Now I need to know some magic to bring in some feelings of romance into it. This compared with so much of romantic feelings that I have for my therapist is making me long too much.
Posted by DaisyM on February 20, 2004, at 18:35:48
In reply to Re: This powerful attraction - here to stay?, posted by pinkeye on February 20, 2004, at 18:00:50
Longing for what? To be held, to be nurtured and taken care of? Curl yourself in your husband's arms and hold on to him. Tell him, "I just need to feel you protecting me right now."
Or to be swept away by passion? This is something I would not do because of my own "issues" but one of my best friends routinely buys sexy "stuff" because she gets excited thinking about her husband's reaction. She has more fun with her husband than anyone I know!
Or is it longing to KNOW that you are loved and understood? This only comes from talking - about dreams, plans for the future, hopes and fears. We don't get to have these conversations very often but once in awhile they remind us how vulnerable the other person is and makes them more loveable.
Not that I don't think you know your own heart about what a good match you and your ex-therapist might have been had you met elsewhere. But, since you didn't, isn't it better to concentrate on making what you do have fit your needs?
It is hard, isn't it? I don't mean to say it isn't. I feel for you. I haven't had these feelings for my Therapist, I watch for them every once in awhile, but I can see how you could easily get them. I think maybe I won't because my needs that didn't get met are different. But who knows?
Posted by pinkeye on February 20, 2004, at 19:37:04
In reply to Re: This powerful attraction - here to stay?, posted by DaisyM on February 20, 2004, at 18:35:48
That was really insightful. Thanks a lot for telling me that. I guess what I want now is to be loved and understood. Actually I want to feel that I love and understand him also.
I agree that I have to make good use of what I got or I might lose this also. I know I will never have my therapist. He is married and has a good wife.. and I am married and have a good husband. So our paths are never going to cross in this life time. Maybe he was one of those ideal choices for me, but since I will never have him in my life, I should accept it I guess.
IS your therapist male? If so, I think definitely you will come to feel attraction to him. (if both of you are atleast somewhat compatible)
Posted by Raindancer on February 21, 2004, at 13:17:27
In reply to Re: This powerful attraction - here to stay?, posted by pinkeye on February 20, 2004, at 19:37:04
How I feel for you and how hard it is to get your feelings in perspective. The therapy situation isn't like real life of course and if you were with your T in the real world you probably wouldn't have his full attention very often, but that said there can be a special bond that isn't always explained by transference - although transference feelings can be extremely painful and strong. If you can try to be glad that you met - that he is helping you on your journey and try to take each day at a time. Take care .R
Posted by Racer on February 21, 2004, at 13:39:42
In reply to Re: This powerful attraction - here to stay?, posted by DaisyM on February 20, 2004, at 18:35:48
I think maybe I won't because my needs that didn't get met are different.
That sounds right to me, and kinda profound. It fits with my experiences in life, which always makes me think someone's idea is brilliant. ;-D I think a lot of these attractions are ways of meeting unmet needs, and I think that they can be benign or malignant, depending on the precise form they take.
I'm a big one for crushes. I have a crush on my pdoc, for that matter. I'm not gonna type about that here, but I will tell you about another crush, which might help pinkeye a bit:
I had a major crush on the head of the Engish department in college. I took most of his classes when I could, and used to look for excuses to go to his office hours. I fantasized about him, and would carry on conversations with him in my head during daydreamy moments. Continued the internal conversations long after college. I used to run into him in the neighborhood where I grew up, pretty frequently, and always looked forward to those meetings. I met his wife, his kids, and to this day always hope to see him in the grocery store when I walk in. These days, though, I no longer fantasize about him, nor do I carry on the same intensity of the internal conversations. That's right, a geologic age after college, I still have the best parts of that crush going on in me.
Here's the point of all that, in my eyes. That crush gave me much more than it took from me. Yes, for a number of years I was slightly dissatisfied by all the men in my life, because they did not live up to the impossible standard I had set with my crush. On the other hand, when I wrote anything, I had him grading it in my mind (And he really did teach me so much about writing, for which I am profoundly grateful), the conversations I imagined helped hone my thinking abilities, and heaven knows I enjoyed the fantasies! (Mind you, I do have enough experience with men in bed to know that there's a really, really good chance he wouldn't have lived up to the fantasies anyway. And I knew that then, too.) So, I had pleasure from the fantasies, and practical benefits from the imaginary conversations and grading notes. And, even though he probably never thinks about me from one meeting to the next, I'm grateful to him for all he gave me unknowingly.
So, pinkeye, there isn't so much an end to the attraction, but there is a mellowing to it. If you can remind yourself now and again that this attraction may give you benefits, simply by existing, without ever acting on any of it, you can learn to let it simmer, without boiling over.
That, of course, is the hard part. Let me tell you something about my crush on my pdoc. Again, I suspect quite strongly that the reality wouldn't come close to the fantasy, in terms of sex. We're talking not only not in the same ZIP code, but not in the same area code. He strikes me as someone I'd really enjoy being seduced by, but not someone I'd look back on and sigh. You know what I mean? So, I enjoy my fantasies, knowing that they're only fantasies.
On the other hand, at a time in my life when I am desperate for anything to hang on to as the waves toss me back and forth, he is such a lovely piece of driftwood. Just enough to help me keep my head above water, and lovely to look at. Yes, I do find myself doing slightly obsessive things because of it, but they're things that can be argued are not unhealthy. (I wouldn't call them healthy, though.) For example, he mentioned the last book he read, and the next book he planned to read. Yep, ordered them, and am reading them. Is that obsessive? Maybe. Good books, though, and I'm also reading books that have nothing to do with him. (The dr-recommended book I'm reading now is history, so there's even some nutritional value.) In the end, I'll have enjoyed some great fantasy material, some of that fun flirting-without-really-flirting-while-knowing-nothing-physical-will-happen flirting, some internal conversations that help focus my mind on some of what I'm doing in therapy, and in the end will probably be able to put him in the Plus Column of my tally sheet.
Does that make sense?
Oh, I totally forgot! DaisyM, I think the unmet needs part is absolutely spot on. I need someone to take hold of me and *make* me do something. That means that I tend to be attracted to people I perceive as authority figures, and get disappointed when they don't see how much I'm faking it. I need someone to set limits for me and help me stay within them, before helping me learn to explore where my own boundaries are most comfortable for me. Kind of a Good Parent thing, although because of my background, I tend to project that into a sexual realm. Other people will have a different set of unmet needs, and look to a different set of qualities, and react to them differently.
(For example, my ever-beloved ex-bf and my husband are both remarkably conventional men in many ways, and I know that they were both attracted to me in large part because I am a very odd mix of conventionality and total unconventionality. Most of the time, I live up to that line about "dancing as if no one is watching" -- and I do dance when it feels good, despite an utter lack of rhythm or grace. Both those men were drawn to that freeness of mine, although or because they're afraid of that feeling in themselves. It's as if they were looking for some way of letting some of that wild abandon out of themselves, but couldn't do it until they had an example before them. Hm, I think that's normal and healthy, looking to find an encouraging role model for what you perceive lacking in your life. I think what can make that unhealthy is trying to possess that role model, rather than emulating it.)
OK, all done -- for now [insert monster movie theme here]
Posted by terrics on February 22, 2004, at 9:13:25
In reply to This powerful attraction - here to stay?, posted by pinkeye on February 19, 2004, at 16:17:35
Hi, I have the 'luck' to see this dilemma from 2 pts. of view. I saw my T. for 8 months when I was 29. I was in love with her. Call it transference or whatever it sure felt like love. She is extremely self disclosing which made me feel I was at her house for a visit and not for therapy. I think she needs to fill up air space because I am not very talkative. I am now 53 and have been seeing her again for 2 yrs. What had occured between the ages of 29 and 53 was at first the feeling of a powerful loss which then slowly faded into an occasional thought of her The obsession was still there but oh so mild. I left her a message yesterday that I was not coming back because I think my attachment to her is harmful to me. I have no tranference with my pdoc and I feel alot safer with him. ps I think my T. lied big time about something a few weks ago and that contributed to my dumping her. I am sure I will be depressed. terrics
Posted by Dinah on February 22, 2004, at 9:31:57
In reply to Re: This powerful attraction - here to stay? » pinkeye, posted by terrics on February 22, 2004, at 9:13:25
That must be painful.
Posted by DaisyM on February 22, 2004, at 15:57:31
In reply to Re: This powerful attraction - here to stay?, posted by pinkeye on February 20, 2004, at 19:37:04
My Therapist is male, probably 5 years older than me (a guess, based on when he started his practice) and is pretty good looking. He is sweet, kind, funny, sympathetic and very available. I think he is a terrific Therapist. But I don't feel romantic about him at all. But again, in the unmet needs column I would say safety and security are my needs and he provides that.
Posted by Dinah on February 22, 2004, at 16:49:16
In reply to Re: This powerful attraction - here to stay? » pinkeye, posted by DaisyM on February 22, 2004, at 15:57:31
Daisy, sometimes when I read your posts, I have to check to make sure I didn't *write* them. lol.
Except that my therapist is very happily (I hope) unavailable. And I'm not sure I'd call him sweet or funny...
Posted by DaisyM on February 22, 2004, at 20:26:45
In reply to Re: This powerful attraction - here to stay? » DaisyM, posted by Dinah on February 22, 2004, at 16:49:16
Hmmm...I meant available to me in a theraputic sense. He is married. His wife is a psychotherapist and they "share" an office, though I've never met her.
Posted by Dinah on February 22, 2004, at 20:49:12
In reply to Re: This powerful attraction - here to stay? » Dinah, posted by DaisyM on February 22, 2004, at 20:26:45
But I still wouldn't call him sweet or funny. :)
Posted by pinkeye on February 23, 2004, at 17:12:22
In reply to Re: This powerful attraction - here to stay? » pinkeye, posted by terrics on February 22, 2004, at 9:13:25
Thanks everyone for your insights. I didn't check the messages over the weekend. I hope it will get better with time. I miss him a lot though, but slowly, but steadily I think I will get out of my dependance on him.
This is the end of the thread.
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