Posted by Racer on February 21, 2004, at 13:39:42
In reply to Re: This powerful attraction - here to stay?, posted by DaisyM on February 20, 2004, at 18:35:48
I think maybe I won't because my needs that didn't get met are different.
That sounds right to me, and kinda profound. It fits with my experiences in life, which always makes me think someone's idea is brilliant. ;-D I think a lot of these attractions are ways of meeting unmet needs, and I think that they can be benign or malignant, depending on the precise form they take.
I'm a big one for crushes. I have a crush on my pdoc, for that matter. I'm not gonna type about that here, but I will tell you about another crush, which might help pinkeye a bit:
I had a major crush on the head of the Engish department in college. I took most of his classes when I could, and used to look for excuses to go to his office hours. I fantasized about him, and would carry on conversations with him in my head during daydreamy moments. Continued the internal conversations long after college. I used to run into him in the neighborhood where I grew up, pretty frequently, and always looked forward to those meetings. I met his wife, his kids, and to this day always hope to see him in the grocery store when I walk in. These days, though, I no longer fantasize about him, nor do I carry on the same intensity of the internal conversations. That's right, a geologic age after college, I still have the best parts of that crush going on in me.
Here's the point of all that, in my eyes. That crush gave me much more than it took from me. Yes, for a number of years I was slightly dissatisfied by all the men in my life, because they did not live up to the impossible standard I had set with my crush. On the other hand, when I wrote anything, I had him grading it in my mind (And he really did teach me so much about writing, for which I am profoundly grateful), the conversations I imagined helped hone my thinking abilities, and heaven knows I enjoyed the fantasies! (Mind you, I do have enough experience with men in bed to know that there's a really, really good chance he wouldn't have lived up to the fantasies anyway. And I knew that then, too.) So, I had pleasure from the fantasies, and practical benefits from the imaginary conversations and grading notes. And, even though he probably never thinks about me from one meeting to the next, I'm grateful to him for all he gave me unknowingly.
So, pinkeye, there isn't so much an end to the attraction, but there is a mellowing to it. If you can remind yourself now and again that this attraction may give you benefits, simply by existing, without ever acting on any of it, you can learn to let it simmer, without boiling over.
That, of course, is the hard part. Let me tell you something about my crush on my pdoc. Again, I suspect quite strongly that the reality wouldn't come close to the fantasy, in terms of sex. We're talking not only not in the same ZIP code, but not in the same area code. He strikes me as someone I'd really enjoy being seduced by, but not someone I'd look back on and sigh. You know what I mean? So, I enjoy my fantasies, knowing that they're only fantasies.
On the other hand, at a time in my life when I am desperate for anything to hang on to as the waves toss me back and forth, he is such a lovely piece of driftwood. Just enough to help me keep my head above water, and lovely to look at. Yes, I do find myself doing slightly obsessive things because of it, but they're things that can be argued are not unhealthy. (I wouldn't call them healthy, though.) For example, he mentioned the last book he read, and the next book he planned to read. Yep, ordered them, and am reading them. Is that obsessive? Maybe. Good books, though, and I'm also reading books that have nothing to do with him. (The dr-recommended book I'm reading now is history, so there's even some nutritional value.) In the end, I'll have enjoyed some great fantasy material, some of that fun flirting-without-really-flirting-while-knowing-nothing-physical-will-happen flirting, some internal conversations that help focus my mind on some of what I'm doing in therapy, and in the end will probably be able to put him in the Plus Column of my tally sheet.
Does that make sense?
Oh, I totally forgot! DaisyM, I think the unmet needs part is absolutely spot on. I need someone to take hold of me and *make* me do something. That means that I tend to be attracted to people I perceive as authority figures, and get disappointed when they don't see how much I'm faking it. I need someone to set limits for me and help me stay within them, before helping me learn to explore where my own boundaries are most comfortable for me. Kind of a Good Parent thing, although because of my background, I tend to project that into a sexual realm. Other people will have a different set of unmet needs, and look to a different set of qualities, and react to them differently.
(For example, my ever-beloved ex-bf and my husband are both remarkably conventional men in many ways, and I know that they were both attracted to me in large part because I am a very odd mix of conventionality and total unconventionality. Most of the time, I live up to that line about "dancing as if no one is watching" -- and I do dance when it feels good, despite an utter lack of rhythm or grace. Both those men were drawn to that freeness of mine, although or because they're afraid of that feeling in themselves. It's as if they were looking for some way of letting some of that wild abandon out of themselves, but couldn't do it until they had an example before them. Hm, I think that's normal and healthy, looking to find an encouraging role model for what you perceive lacking in your life. I think what can make that unhealthy is trying to possess that role model, rather than emulating it.)
OK, all done -- for now [insert monster movie theme here]
poster:Racer
thread:315768
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040218/msgs/316357.html