![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by LostInTransferance on November 29, 2003, at 20:37:41
OK...let me start off by saying that I've read some of the posts here, and people have a lot of really good insight and ideas. I just hope that somebody somewhere can help me with this. Here's the problem...Transference Love. A couple days ago, my girlfriend realized that she was experiencing a case of Transferance with her therapist. For a while, she was describing in vivid detail the 'relationship' that she had with him. The only problem here is that I worked for the therapy office at the time, and I knew her therapist, and his love for his job. I doubted that the 'relationship' was real, but due to her unbeleivable detail in memory, i couldn't help but believe it. She had been telling me for weeks about this 'relationship' and out of nowhere, she came to me one day and said "I've been doing some reading and I know what I was going through was only Transferance" I was caught off guard by this and began asking questions. Her answer was basically "To be honest...the relationship I described never happened" Nobody got in trouble as for some reason or another, she didn't mention this to anybody in the office, but now the problem is she's having trouble showing me affection, and we've been together for a little while. I just need to know how to help her cope with this, and maybe even how she should be coping with this. I'm being about as understanding as I can, but I feel helpless...her experience with Transferance is making me depressed. I didn't know where else to turn without getting somebody in trouble, so I came here. Hopefully somebody can help me with this problem
Posted by Dinah on November 29, 2003, at 20:56:03
In reply to Somebody help..., posted by LostInTransferance on November 29, 2003, at 20:37:41
Hi. This is Dinah, acting as deputy for Dr. Bob. Welcome to Babble. :) Dr. Bob prefers that we don't duplicate the same post on different boards. Since your question is about transference, I'm going to leave the post here on Psychological Babble, and delete the ones on the other boards.
Again, welcome.
Posted by Elle2021 on November 29, 2003, at 22:27:34
In reply to Somebody help..., posted by LostInTransferance on November 29, 2003, at 20:37:41
Hmm, interesting question.
I don't think you should take her transference personally. I'm not sure if you are, but it kinda sounds like it from your post. Some studies show that transference (to a normal degree) is theraputic and can't be avoided. In fact I read an article (whose name escapes me) and it said that transference is a sign of the beginning of recovery. But, unless I am not reading your post clearly, it sounds like your girlfriend made up some stuff. Am I correct on that? Or, did she just misinterpret some of the stuff her pdoc told her?
I am not sure why she is having trouble showing you affection. Do you think it has to do with her transference? Maybe there is another cause for it that she is currently discussing in therapy, like maybe sexual abuse she suffered when she was a child. It's hard to say. You know her better than I do. Let me know what you think about all this.
Elle
Posted by LostInTransferance on November 29, 2003, at 22:54:11
In reply to Re: Somebody help... » LostInTransferance, posted by Elle2021 on November 29, 2003, at 22:27:34
Thanks for your input Elle. I'm tring my best not to take this personally...but it's kind of hard. We've both read many articles on transferance also, and we've both read that it can be the key to unlocking whatever is blocked in her mind. As far as her Pdoc, from what I know, she made the stuff up to cover up a 2 year period of her life. The details of dates and times spent with her therapist were very vivid and on key. It was almost impossible not to believe. You could be correct with the lack of affection input, but I'm not sure. To be honest, I want her to get better herself before she worries about our relationship. I'll be here for her regaurdless. The new problem is that now that she's realized the "perfect relationship" never accually happened, she doesn't know what happened in them two years. She's upset because she doesn't know if something horrible happened that she's tring to cover up, or if it was just a boring time in her life she's replacing with an exciting relationship. I just want to know if there's anything that I should or shouldn't do to help her. I really want to see her get through all this and eventually get on her feet.
Posted by Elle2021 on November 30, 2003, at 8:13:52
In reply to Re: Somebody help..., posted by LostInTransferance on November 29, 2003, at 22:54:11
You seem like a really kind person. Your girlfriend is fortunate to have a person like you in her life. To be honest, I'm not sure if you can help her. This looks like something she and her therapist are going to have to take care of. Perhaps it is best for you to give her some time to work things out, which may take awhile. I know you care a lot about her, and that you want to help her. You said you are willing to be there for her even if you aren't together (at least that's what I concluded from your post). If you want to stay single while she is working it out, then so be it, but I think you would be better off dating other people. God bless. Let me know how things turn out.
Elle> Thanks for your input Elle. I'm tring my best not to take this personally...but it's kind of hard. We've both read many articles on transferance also, and we've both read that it can be the key to unlocking whatever is blocked in her mind. As far as her Pdoc, from what I know, she made the stuff up to cover up a 2 year period of her life. The details of dates and times spent with her therapist were very vivid and on key. It was almost impossible not to believe. You could be correct with the lack of affection input, but I'm not sure. To be honest, I want her to get better herself before she worries about our relationship. I'll be here for her regaurdless. The new problem is that now that she's realized the "perfect relationship" never accually happened, she doesn't know what happened in them two years. She's upset because she doesn't know if something horrible happened that she's tring to cover up, or if it was just a boring time in her life she's replacing with an exciting relationship. I just want to know if there's anything that I should or shouldn't do to help her. I really want to see her get through all this and eventually get on her feet.
Posted by fallsfall on November 30, 2003, at 11:29:50
In reply to Re: Somebody help..., posted by LostInTransferance on November 29, 2003, at 22:54:11
Hmmm. I'm a little confused. When I think of transference I think of times when I misinterpret things that my therapist says or does (or even doesn't do). For instance, maybe he grimmaces because he has heartburn. I interpret that to mean that he didn't like what I just said and that he's mad at me and will throw me out. I truly believe that this is what he is thinking and feeling, and it sends me into a panic. I do this because I learned as a small child that when someone (a parent) grimmaced that they were going to distance themselves from me (who knows, maybe they went to take care of THEIR gastric distress). So, for me, grimmaces mean abandonment. Of course, that's not what is going on with my therapist at all. If the misconceptions are not corrected then I take my fear (that he will abandon me) into the rest of my life and live as though I am worthless.
I guess what I'm not quite understanding is that she described a "relationship". That I can understand could be transference - she could attribute emotions and thoughts to her therapist that didn't belong to her therapist. But you also say that she described "dates and times" that she spent with her therapist. Unless these were all within her sessions I don't see how this is transference. Did she say they went on picnics together or "dated"? If it were strictly transference, then all of her misconceptions would be physically rooted in the session room. If she was describing other events, then either she was fantasizing, or delusional (?), or untruthful (or her therapist was unethical). You also said that this "relationship" with her therapist "covered up a 2 year period in her life". That sounds like something else was actually going on in her real life, but she was experiencing the relationship with the therapist instead?? Were you around during these 2 years? Do you have any independent evidence of things that DID ACTUALLY happen then?
I guess that my concern is that the way you describe this it doesn't sound like strictly transference to me. Transference is misunderstanding, and assigning motives and feelings that aren't really there. The patient's reactions to these motives and feelings ARE real and ARE part of their lives (they just aren't seeing the Therapist's world clearly). I'm hearing something that sounds more delusional - but maybe I'm just reading your post wrong.
In every event, she has to hammer this out with her therapist. I don't think you can help much, except help keep her grounded in reality. It might be helpful to you to ask if you can join her in a session to help you understand her situation better and find out if there are ways that you can help her.
Posted by stjames on November 30, 2003, at 16:34:33
In reply to Re: Somebody help..., posted by LostInTransferance on November 29, 2003, at 22:54:11
To me this sounds more like a delusion than a transferance. Transferance does not envolve
making things up.
Posted by sweet77 on November 30, 2003, at 16:38:45
In reply to Re: Somebody help..., posted by stjames on November 30, 2003, at 16:34:33
what is deloisuon ? i dont understand maybe this person was crying out for some help ... i think there maybe a deeper issue that should be disscused with her therapist ? should delusional people be hospitalized because what i get this person caught it adn came clean .
Posted by fallsfall on November 30, 2003, at 20:39:09
In reply to Re: Somebody help..., posted by sweet77 on November 30, 2003, at 16:38:45
A delusion is when you believe that something is true, but it isn't, i.e. you believe that you are George Washington. Delusions are serious mental problems and need to be treated. The treatment for delusions is very different from the handling of Transference.
Posted by stjames on November 30, 2003, at 21:05:07
In reply to Somebody help..., posted by LostInTransferance on November 29, 2003, at 20:37:41
For a while, she was describing in vivid detail the 'relationship' that she had with him.
The fact that the details are vivid, and are not just centered in the session room indicate this is not transferance and a delusion. One misunderstands
and transfers learned behaviors to the doc. "you are going to leave me, just like everyone else." Transferance does not envolve thinking things happened that did not. Delusions are often grand
in nature. This is quite serious. This is not the place for self help, this should be drought up to
her doc.
Posted by LostInTransferance on November 30, 2003, at 22:11:31
In reply to Re: Somebody help..., posted by stjames on November 30, 2003, at 21:05:07
I understand that this isn't the place for self-help, but the opinions that people have offered have brought out a lot of truth from my girlfriend. But from my point of view, the only person that can get help for herself...is her. Say she is delusional, if I run and tell her therapist, she's going to not only be hurt that I told behind her back, she's going to deny the entire story, thus not getting help anyway. What I"m tring to do here is get ideas of what this could be, and how serious it could be, so that I can talk to her, and talk her into getting the right help.
Posted by stjames on November 30, 2003, at 22:22:34
In reply to Re: Somebody help..., posted by LostInTransferance on November 30, 2003, at 22:11:31
Say she is delusional, if I run and tell her therapist, she's going to not only be hurt that I told behind her back, she's going to deny the entire story, thus not getting help anyway.
That assumes a doc believes everything a patient tells them. Far from the case.
What I"m tring to do here is get ideas of what this could be, and how serious it could be, so that I can talk to her, and talk her into getting the right help.
I think this is way past what you cam "talk her into".
Posted by fallsfall on December 1, 2003, at 7:18:19
In reply to Re: Somebody help..., posted by LostInTransferance on November 30, 2003, at 22:11:31
First, this sounds serious enough so that you need to push her to honestly talk to her therapist about this. Now the question is how do you do that?
You said: A couple days ago, my girlfriend realized that she was experiencing a case of Transferance with her therapist.
How did this come about? Who put the name "Transference" on what she was experiencing? How did she feel about this revelation? Does she realize that the relationship doesn't exist? Is she scared? Does she think she is losing her mind? What is her current diagnosis, and how does she feel about that? Is she generally honest with her therapist? Does she (obviously not) tell him EVERYTHING? What does she see as his role in her life? Are there family members with mental illness? How does she see mental illness in general, and how does she see herself fitting into that?
During the "relationship", can you describe an event that she related to you?
You will do much better if you can get her cooperation in alerting her therapist, so let's work on a strategy for that. Have you even gone to a session with her? How much does she tell you about her therapy? How long have you been together? Do you live together? Do either of you expect to get married?
Lots of questions...
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.