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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by HannahW on September 11, 2003, at 19:02:13
Hi Adia--
My (adult) sister used to also talk about the little girl inside of her that just wanted someone to take care of her--but that there didn't ever seem to be anyone fully capable of doing it.
The solution that she found through her own therapy was to carry a picture of herself as a little girl in her wallet. She learned that she, as an adult, was now able to care for that little girl herself. In thinking of herself as the loving maternal figure of "Little Belinda" she was able to meet the needs of that little girl that no one else could. Whenever she knew that Little Belinda needed sheltering, or reassurance, or love, or ice cream, Big Belinda gave it to her, and it made Little Belinda feel safe to know that now there was finally an adult she could really trust to love her and meet her needs.
I thought it was really beautiful.
Posted by Adia on September 11, 2003, at 20:26:42
In reply to Adia--About that Little Girl, posted by HannahW on September 11, 2003, at 19:02:13
Dear Hannah,
You've touched my heart..Thank you for sharing with me...
This moved me to tears...:****)
What your sister learnt and does is very beautiful...It seems so healing to take with her a picture of herself as a little girl..and to give her love and the safety and caring she needs...It feels like such a healing, beautiful thing to do for the little girl inside.It touched my heart.
There is a hurt, scared little girl inside of me who just wants to curl up and cry and be held safely and gently and be told she's ok and safe...
and yes, no one will do that for her but me...I have heart tears that your sister learnt how...
you know what..lately I've tried to learn how to take care of that little girl inside instead of aching for someone else to take care of her and love her..In the past I used to make jigsaw puzzles to find shelter from what was happening...lately I've been going to toystores and I've bought some puzzles for her..And I bought some Cd's for children too...but it's hard to fill that emptiness inside..or find relief to that part of me that aches for safety and love and a safe hug to protect me...I still ache for that unconditional love or acceptance...
What you shared here is beautiful...I will try...
I am moved that your sister learnt how to reach
the little girl inside and meet her deepest needs...
Thank you so much for sharing this with me...It was so sweet and thoughtful of you to share...
It means much more than I could ever say.A heartfelt thank you....
It brought tears to my eyes.Adia.
>
> My (adult) sister used to also talk about the little girl inside of her that just wanted someone to take care of her--but that there didn't ever seem to be anyone fully capable of doing it.
>
> The solution that she found through her own therapy was to carry a picture of herself as a little girl in her wallet. She learned that she, as an adult, was now able to care for that little girl herself. In thinking of herself as the loving maternal figure of "Little Belinda" she was able to meet the needs of that little girl that no one else could. Whenever she knew that Little Belinda needed sheltering, or reassurance, or love, or ice cream, Big Belinda gave it to her, and it made Little Belinda feel safe to know that now there was finally an adult she could really trust to love her and meet her needs.
>
> I thought it was really beautiful.
Posted by fallsfall on September 11, 2003, at 22:20:35
In reply to Adia--About that Little Girl, posted by HannahW on September 11, 2003, at 19:02:13
Seems like a great idea. But I'm confused.
The 46 year old me is the one who needs the comfort. The "big" me is "little". There is no "big" me.
Hopefully, I'm just confused..........
Posted by HannahW on September 11, 2003, at 23:53:13
In reply to Re: Adia--About that Little Girl » HannahW, posted by Adia on September 11, 2003, at 20:26:42
I called my sister tonight to tell her about you. She was really touched that what she has been through might be helpful to you. I'm going to print out your response for her to read, because I know it means a lot to her (and to me).
I've tried utilizing this idea myself, and really do find it to be therapeutic. I had kind of forgotten about it until you talked about the little girl inside you. I think there's a little girl inside all of us that needs a grown-up (ourselves) to take care of us. I think we have to be the grown-ups for our little girls, because no one else would be appropriate. We are the maternal guardians of those little girls, and they are our responsibility. Besides, no one can love our little girls like we can. (Just like no one can love our actual children like we can. It doesn't mean our children don't deserve love from other people, but because we're their maternal guardians, no one can love them better than we can, and no one knows them better than we do. It's exactly the same with the "little us's."
I'm reminded tonight that although I may not always feel like the Big Me is worthy and deserving, I know that the Little Me is. She's just an innocent little girl who deserves love and nurturing simply because she was born. I need to talk to her, love her, and reassure her that all the crummy things that have happened to her weren't her fault. And I need to be an advocate for her because she's too small and helpless to do it for herself. I need to stand up for her, refuse to let other people walk on her and make her feel worthless, and encourage her to be whoever she wants to be.
I'm not sure what time zone you're in, so I'll just send good thoughts your way for 3 hours! Your little girl is hurting and needs you to speak out for her. Be her advocate and make sure she gets the help she needs! Who else can speak for her but you? She needs you and is counting on you to cry for her and mourn everything that is getting in the way of her healing.
I hope I'm not being overly dramatic, but when I think of suffering children, I get a little weepy.
All the best to you tomorrow.
Hannah
Posted by kara lynne on September 12, 2003, at 2:22:07
In reply to Re: Adia--About that Little Girl » Adia, posted by HannahW on September 11, 2003, at 23:53:13
Today in counseling I realized that I have been in a pretty regressed state lately. I have gone into the realm I was in as a child, where none of my needs were ever going to be met and I felt completely abandoned.
The other day I was at my mother's house. I lifted my shirt up because I couldn't reach a place on my back that was hurting. When I did, blood was dripping down my side from a cut. I asked my mother what was there and she just stood there, stared blankly and said something about a scratch. I paused for a moment--expecting her to get a towel to help clean me up. Then I realized, of course she wouldn't, and went in the kitchen and tended to it myself. But for that little girl it was still so painful.
When I was younger I used to play these heartbreaking little games to prove that no one would care for me. When I was about 9 my family had traveled out of town to visit some relatives. I had felt so invisible that when we got in the car to drive back I stayed on the corner and waved to my family with my relatives to see if they would notice. They drove off without me. Of course they did come back eventually, but I'd proved my point. Another time when I was in the kitchen with my mother I cut myself with a knife, bleeding, while my mother stood right next to me without noticing.
Today I realized-- in so many ways I am still that little girl waiting to see if someone's going to leave without her, or leave her cut and bleeding. I have been waiting for love that never comes, maybe even to prove that it will never come, and trying for it over and over. And if I keep doing that I will stay regressed, and sabatoge my chances for a relationship that can meet my needs. Maybe I can find that after I've addressed them myself first.
And so we talked about ways to become aware of That Little Girl and give her what she needs. Even though I know so much about my issues, it's such a difficult dynamic to be aware of. Or when I'm aware, not to critically judge it.
Your post and Adia's touched me too tonight.
Posted by Poet on September 12, 2003, at 9:48:06
In reply to Re: Adia--About that Little Girl » HannahW, posted by Adia on September 11, 2003, at 20:26:42
Adia,
Keep trying to reach that little girl deep inside of you, She's the part of you that bears all the emotional pain and deserves to feel loved.
Let me know how it goes today. I've sat there like a deer caught in headlights torn between wanting to run and wanting to cry many times.
Yesterday my therapist said she can see that I am getting comfortable with her. This is after seeing her for one year, by the way. So luckily she takes things slow and understands that the little girl inside of me is very shy.
It's great that you can write to your therapist, I should ask if I could.
Keep in touch.
Poet
Posted by fallsfall on September 12, 2003, at 14:37:18
In reply to Re: Adia--About that Little Girl, posted by kara lynne on September 12, 2003, at 2:22:07
I feel like I am the Little Me. Needing someone to take care of me.
I know I'm a grown up - I have a daughter who is 20. And I know how to take care of her and her siblings. And I can take care of friends, when they need an unbiased ear, or new ideas, or compassion.
So it would be great if the Big Me could take care of the Little Me. But it is almost like only one is there at a time.
If the Little Me is there then I am needy, but unable to give. If the Big Me is there, I can give, but the Little Me isn't there so I give to others.
I don't know how to have them meet. Can anyone explain it?
Posted by fallsfall on September 12, 2003, at 14:39:37
In reply to Re: Adia--About that Little Girl, posted by kara lynne on September 12, 2003, at 2:22:07
I've read your post 4 or 5 times now.
All I can say is that you definately deserve having someone take care of you.
(((((Kara)))))
Posted by HannahW on September 12, 2003, at 17:09:07
In reply to Re: Adia--About that Little Girl, posted by kara lynne on September 12, 2003, at 2:22:07
Those are heartbreaking games, Kara. Don't do that to yourself. I've tried to do similar things before to "test" someone's love, and was really hurt when they failed. Later, when I talked (bawled) to them, I discovered that there was a perfectly good explanation, and my scope of vision was too narrow to see what was really happening.
There's enough pain in our lives without us looking for more. Hang in there. It sounds like you're on the right track.
P.S. Your mother doesn't deserve you. And you don't deserve your mother.
Posted by Adia on September 12, 2003, at 21:57:09
In reply to Re: Adia--About that Little Girl » Adia, posted by HannahW on September 11, 2003, at 23:53:13
Dear Hannah,
Your post touched my heart...
tears...
I feel so touched that you shared with your sister...and that it means something to her and to you...
It really means so much to me too.
Thank you for saying the little girl in me deserves me to cry for her and to try to help her heal...
That brought tears to my eyes...Thank you for making me feel the little girl inside deserves love and healing...that is something I struggle to feel and find really hard to feel in my heart...
I was able to tell my therapist today that when she leaves me, it feels she's leaving the little girl in me at the mercy of someone hurting her..even though I know I am safe now...
I told her I feel like a little girl who's still being hurt and when I felt afraid of her leaving me, it was as though I were that little girl again terrified of being left alone at the mercy of bad things..
I will try to accept the help she is offering ..Thank you for sharing with me..I am really glad that you've tried to do the same for the little girl in you...
I've been reading what the others have shared..especially what Fallsfall shared..and it is sometimes hard to be in the adult and take care of the little girl inside...
I feel the little girl sometimes takes over and the need is so great and the hurt so deep that I can't go back to the adult or feel strong enough to protect her..when it seems I am living through her feelings...
but I guess that when that happens is that the little girl inside is just demanding to be heard and needs desperately to express her feelings and what's happening...Thank you for making me feel safe inside and for sharing with me..
You've touched my heart...
I'm moved that you shared with your sister...
:o) Heart smiles...Thank you for your support,
You've helped me try to break the silence a bit today...lots of support to you,
Adia.
> I called my sister tonight to tell her about you. She was really touched that what she has been through might be helpful to you. I'm going to print out your response for her to read, because I know it means a lot to her (and to me).
>
> I've tried utilizing this idea myself, and really do find it to be therapeutic. I had kind of forgotten about it until you talked about the little girl inside you. I think there's a little girl inside all of us that needs a grown-up (ourselves) to take care of us. I think we have to be the grown-ups for our little girls, because no one else would be appropriate. We are the maternal guardians of those little girls, and they are our responsibility. Besides, no one can love our little girls like we can. (Just like no one can love our actual children like we can. It doesn't mean our children don't deserve love from other people, but because we're their maternal guardians, no one can love them better than we can, and no one knows them better than we do. It's exactly the same with the "little us's."
>
> I'm reminded tonight that although I may not always feel like the Big Me is worthy and deserving, I know that the Little Me is. She's just an innocent little girl who deserves love and nurturing simply because she was born. I need to talk to her, love her, and reassure her that all the crummy things that have happened to her weren't her fault. And I need to be an advocate for her because she's too small and helpless to do it for herself. I need to stand up for her, refuse to let other people walk on her and make her feel worthless, and encourage her to be whoever she wants to be.
>
> I'm not sure what time zone you're in, so I'll just send good thoughts your way for 3 hours! Your little girl is hurting and needs you to speak out for her. Be her advocate and make sure she gets the help she needs! Who else can speak for her but you? She needs you and is counting on you to cry for her and mourn everything that is getting in the way of her healing.
>
> I hope I'm not being overly dramatic, but when I think of suffering children, I get a little weepy.
>
> All the best to you tomorrow.
> Hannah
Posted by HannahW on September 15, 2003, at 13:49:51
In reply to Re: Adia--About that Little Girl, posted by fallsfall on September 12, 2003, at 14:37:18
According to my sister, you are ALWAYS the big you, capable of taking care of the little you if you choose to tap into that source. I don't fully understand, but it sounds like if we are feeling a certain way (like a little girl) we should be able to listen as adults and try to understand what that little girl REALLY wants and needs (and not just what she THINKS she wants and needs), and then provide that for her.
The human psyche is so complicated, it boggles my imagination.
Posted by fallsfall on September 15, 2003, at 14:21:21
In reply to Re: Adia--About that Little Girl, posted by HannahW on September 15, 2003, at 13:49:51
Thanks for answering, Hannah.
I know that the big me does exist because I can help other people. But I sure haven't seen her when the little me is needing. It feels to me like the big me is the one who is needing. Hmmm. I will look inward and try to make sense of this.
This is the end of the thread.
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