![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by fuzzymind on January 31, 2003, at 18:17:05
I looked up a high school bully on the net and discovered he was a successful investment analyst for a well known financial publication. The picture matched....big ugly nose and mis-shapened head only an anthopologist cold expalin..lol. Normally, this would send me into angry thoughts which I would ruminate over and over again, reliving those nasty events in high school, and especially being angry at not kicking this nazi's ass when I had the chance. ANd feeling very badly that he made my depression, avoidance and anxiety worse because I was new to the area and it was the first year of high school...I didn't know anyone and I was being psychologically raped and tortured.
I have some negatvie thoughts, but my emotions aren't as strong as they used to be. Not sure what happened. My mind has been occupied by the past few days with an anal fissure. Maybe all the treading of message boards and reading Dr Burns' Feeling Good book helped, although I never did the written exercises. Maybe I don't mind killing myself. I always heard that some sucide victims feel euphoric before they end it all. Now that I am feeling better, how do I maintain this? How do victims of abuse get by. I still fell like a failure, and I am very far behind in life, but how do I get over these feelings of anger, revenge and pain. Been feeling relatively good the past few days...can think of only one angry emotion and a semi angry one I had just now when thinking of this guy. If it the anal fissure, wouldn't that be a hoot. I smell Nobel Prize!! lol
Posted by Alara on February 1, 2003, at 23:46:47
In reply to Did my depression get better?, posted by fuzzymind on January 31, 2003, at 18:17:05
Fuzzymind, getting better is a slow process. Unfortunately for most of us, this process is not linear. It's often a matter of taking two steps forward and 4 steps back.
It sounds as if therapy could help. I had therapy for four years and it continues to help me to this very day. Although I have just had a rotten week, most of my life these days is pretty OK. It is good in fact.
You may (as i do) always have the occasional bad day. But, overall, you can get better and lead a happier, more fulfilling life. Only you can make that choice.
Don't give up!
All the best,
Alara
Posted by noa on February 2, 2003, at 14:35:46
In reply to Re: Did my depression get better?, posted by Alara on February 1, 2003, at 23:46:47
My recovery has not been linear, unless you imagine viewing it from a very far distance, over a very long period of time, so that the ups and downs blend into the overal line of recovery.
I used to go through alternating deep depressions and then when I felt not depressed, I tried to believe the depression was totally gone for good, only to be so angry when it returned. I have learned to accept that it can return, and this acceptance has helped me be somewhat less afraid of my depression. And I would be so devastated when a depressed episode would come--I'd feel like a failure for getting depressed,which, of course, made me even more depressed.
Over time, the recurrences of depression have been less frequent, much shorter and less severe, although when they happen, they are still scary to me. But the black and whiteness of it has softened so that I can accept more readily that recovery is not linear.
I kind of think of it using the metaphor of a TV screen. I used to feel like I was tuned to either the depressed channel or the non-depressed channel. When tuned to one, it was nearly impossible to even think about the other's existence or imagine what that state of being is like.
When the depressions became more frequent and more severe, with shorter and less frequent remission times, I started having strong anxiety about getting depressed again--it felt like being on guard lest the "monster" pounce on me when I was feeling ok and least expecting it. And, of course, the terrible disappointment and anger when the depression returned.
Over time, I have integrated the two states of being somewhat (still a work in progress!). So, first it was like having two tv's on at once, able to see that I have both channel possibilities--but still having to turn to look at only one at a time. Then, more of a split screen. Now, more like a fluid picture within picture, and even when one is more prominent than the other, the other is still known to me. This has helped me a lot, because not only was I trying to banish the depressed me while in periods of remission, during the depressions, it was nearly impossible to imagine ever coming out of it. But now I definitely can.
So, I am so glad you are having a remission of your deep depression. But my advice is--don't peg everything on the depression never coming back. If that happens, that would be more than wonderful, of course, but if you are like many of us, there may be some up and down waves of depression and remission, hopefully with the remission becoming more prominent.
Are you in therapy? Do you take medication?
You also mentioned still having suicidal thoughts, though not feeling the kind of agitation that can go with them, and you were wondering if it means you are less ambivalent about carrying out suicide. I hope you have someone to talk to about this and to develop a plan to keep yourself safe.
As for "being behind in life"--join the club. I have lost a lot of years to this disease, but I have given up the competetive aspect of that--you know, always feeling behind in comparison to my peers. I used to feel that very intensely, and a wave of it still hits me every so often (reading alumni notes in college magazine, for example). But at some point, I decided to stop investing any energy into it. Now, I focus more on the loss aspect of it, not the social comparison aspect, and have been allowing myself to greive so I can move on. Maybe giving this up was also a function of age, I don't know. I once read an article about studies of high school class reunions and they found that the competetive/social comparison anxieties start to wane by the 15th, 20th, 25th (most intense being the 5th and 10th, not surprisingly)....and I am in my 25th year post high school.
Posted by fuzzymind on February 3, 2003, at 2:57:29
In reply to Did my depression get better?, posted by fuzzymind on January 31, 2003, at 18:17:05
Never mind...the depression and anger and despair came back. The suffering continues. Now I am focused on a teacher who told me I was going to fail in life. Nice of her. Bitch
Posted by Alara on February 3, 2003, at 3:48:37
In reply to Re: Did my depression get better? Never mind..., posted by fuzzymind on February 3, 2003, at 2:57:29
> Never mind...the depression and anger and despair came back. The suffering continues. Now I am focused on a teacher who told me I was going to fail in life. Nice of her. Bitch
Fuzzymind, I know only too well what that kind of anger feels like. The worst part is that you are carrying it around and it is stopping you from moving forward with your life.Please talk to someone. It made all the difference with me.
Take care,
Alara
Posted by fuzzymind on February 6, 2003, at 15:49:58
In reply to Re: Did my depression get better? Never mind... » fuzzymind, posted by Alara on February 3, 2003, at 3:48:37
>> Fuzzymind, I know only too well what that kind of anger feels like. The worst part is that you are carrying it around and it is stopping you from moving forward with your life.
>
> Please talk to someone. It made all the difference with me.
>
> Take care,
>
> Alara
I did talk to someone a few years ago, and I got angry with her and she with me. Lots of hostility created in my presence wheter it be teachers, professors, deans, fast food employees, library employees. I haven't smiled since grade school, and that smileless, extremely depressed, frozen face creates a lot of hostility in people. I believe even depressed people smile. Weird. Depression is my nature. Too bad there isn't a depression/avoidant personality colony I oculd waste away in.
Posted by Alara on February 9, 2003, at 1:34:39
In reply to Re: Did my depression get better? Never mind..., posted by fuzzymind on February 6, 2003, at 15:49:58
>
> >
> I did talk to someone a few years ago, and I got angry with her and she with me. Lots of hostility created in my presence wheter it be teachers, professors, deans, fast food employees, library employees. I haven't smiled since grade school, and that smileless, extremely depressed, frozen face creates a lot of hostility in people. I believe even depressed people smile. Weird. Depression is my nature. Too bad there isn't a depression/avoidant personality colony I oculd waste away in.>>>Fuzzymind, do you know that there is a theory which defines depression as anger turned inwards? Maybe the person you are angry with most of all is yourself. That can be really hard to deal with, but it can be overcome. Maybe you could give the therapy another try.
I think that at the moment, you are such a prisoner of your own anger that you can't see any way out. It's easy to believe that things will never change when you are feeling so low - but life can and does change. So instead of putting yourself down with general comments like: "Depression is in my nature", try telling yourself: "I've been struggling with depression for some time but I'm working on it and am going to feel a lot better someday." If you truly persist and are willing to be honest with yourself, you have a very good chance of becoming a happier person. You will probably always struggle with really rotten days (even weeks) and may even continue to need medication, but you can be a lot happier and healthier in the main.
Give it a go. Somewhere in there is a person who deserves to get out.Keep posting. There is a lot of support on this board.
Alara :-)
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.