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Re: Did my depression get better?

Posted by noa on February 2, 2003, at 14:35:46

In reply to Re: Did my depression get better?, posted by Alara on February 1, 2003, at 23:46:47

My recovery has not been linear, unless you imagine viewing it from a very far distance, over a very long period of time, so that the ups and downs blend into the overal line of recovery.

I used to go through alternating deep depressions and then when I felt not depressed, I tried to believe the depression was totally gone for good, only to be so angry when it returned. I have learned to accept that it can return, and this acceptance has helped me be somewhat less afraid of my depression. And I would be so devastated when a depressed episode would come--I'd feel like a failure for getting depressed,which, of course, made me even more depressed.

Over time, the recurrences of depression have been less frequent, much shorter and less severe, although when they happen, they are still scary to me. But the black and whiteness of it has softened so that I can accept more readily that recovery is not linear.

I kind of think of it using the metaphor of a TV screen. I used to feel like I was tuned to either the depressed channel or the non-depressed channel. When tuned to one, it was nearly impossible to even think about the other's existence or imagine what that state of being is like.

When the depressions became more frequent and more severe, with shorter and less frequent remission times, I started having strong anxiety about getting depressed again--it felt like being on guard lest the "monster" pounce on me when I was feeling ok and least expecting it. And, of course, the terrible disappointment and anger when the depression returned.

Over time, I have integrated the two states of being somewhat (still a work in progress!). So, first it was like having two tv's on at once, able to see that I have both channel possibilities--but still having to turn to look at only one at a time. Then, more of a split screen. Now, more like a fluid picture within picture, and even when one is more prominent than the other, the other is still known to me. This has helped me a lot, because not only was I trying to banish the depressed me while in periods of remission, during the depressions, it was nearly impossible to imagine ever coming out of it. But now I definitely can.

So, I am so glad you are having a remission of your deep depression. But my advice is--don't peg everything on the depression never coming back. If that happens, that would be more than wonderful, of course, but if you are like many of us, there may be some up and down waves of depression and remission, hopefully with the remission becoming more prominent.

Are you in therapy? Do you take medication?

You also mentioned still having suicidal thoughts, though not feeling the kind of agitation that can go with them, and you were wondering if it means you are less ambivalent about carrying out suicide. I hope you have someone to talk to about this and to develop a plan to keep yourself safe.

As for "being behind in life"--join the club. I have lost a lot of years to this disease, but I have given up the competetive aspect of that--you know, always feeling behind in comparison to my peers. I used to feel that very intensely, and a wave of it still hits me every so often (reading alumni notes in college magazine, for example). But at some point, I decided to stop investing any energy into it. Now, I focus more on the loss aspect of it, not the social comparison aspect, and have been allowing myself to greive so I can move on. Maybe giving this up was also a function of age, I don't know. I once read an article about studies of high school class reunions and they found that the competetive/social comparison anxieties start to wane by the 15th, 20th, 25th (most intense being the 5th and 10th, not surprisingly)....and I am in my 25th year post high school.


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poster:noa thread:2404
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20021230/msgs/2436.html