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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by judy1 on January 25, 2003, at 14:02:09
My husband and I just got back from one (we're going through a rocky period right now). Anyway I'm exhausted because it was so emotional, although the psychologist was being very good as a 'mediator'. I was wondering if any other couples have been through this type of counseling and how successful it was. thanks- judy
Posted by IsoM on January 25, 2003, at 16:12:39
In reply to Marriage Counselors, posted by judy1 on January 25, 2003, at 14:02:09
I wish I could tell you more, Judy, but when I insisted my husband & I seek counselling, it didn't work. I'm sure it should have started years earlier for any chance of success.
For him, it was the realisation that things weren't going to continue the way they had, which was fine for him but not me. We went to three sessions & then he told me the counsellor was an idiot & continuing to go was a waste of time. He wouldn't even give it a chance. At the second session, the counsellor gently asked if there were any problems with our sexual relation.
At that time, I had barely recover from a month long bout of viral pneumonia, bed ridden the whole time, & was still very weak. Add to that, though I've never had 'yeast infections' before that I know of, I had the worse ever. It felt like a knife was stabbed & left there. Of course, any sex was out of the question for me for those reasons, but it was only to be a temporary thing.
Well, when the counsellor asked, my husband bluntly said "I want it - she doesn't - we don't" and glared at me. My mouth dropped open & I started to protest, then thought better & shut up. I looked over at the counsellor & saw the look in his eyes of great sadness.
My husband refused to go to any more after the 3rd visit (the counsellor brought up the issue of my husband never giving me any money, even for groceries). He decided it was easier for to leave the marriage than change.
If you & your husband are willing to implement changes & suggestions from your counsellor, & you both work at it, I've heard the success rate is wonderful. Both parties need to be supportive of each other's efforts too. If suggestions don't work quite the way the counsellor hoped, ask him to modify them, or ask what you both may be doing wrong. Maybe a different approach would work better.
I honestly believe if there's still some love & concern for each other in a marriage, despite differences & past hurts, it can be saved & even strengthened for the better. You may find that you'll both fall in love with all over again. If it's possible, when improvements are coming along great, why not take a short 2nd honeymoon, even for a weekend?
Think back to all the reasons you first grew to love your husband. Are any of those reasons still valid? Are there other reasons that have grown through the years that you love him for? How he is as a father to Gabrielle? And ask him to think that way with you. Don't focus on the faults at first (I'm sure the counsellor will suggest something similar). Maybe even calling each other sweet endearments like you used to when younger (honey, sweetie, or such) will help some. Just don't force it if it feels wrong.
I do hope, with my *sincerist* wishes, this works for you both. And I'm sorry I dumped like that. It still burns in me at times & I need to get it out. My apologies for sounding so gloomy there.
Posted by coral on January 25, 2003, at 17:40:47
In reply to Re: Marriage Counselors » judy1, posted by IsoM on January 25, 2003, at 16:12:39
(((((((((((Iso)))))))))))
I'm sorry you had to go through such a rough time.
Your advice was right on the money, IMHO.
My WH and I went through a horribly rough time, due to the depression (and my recovery, of all things).... even separated. However, given what we have now, I'd go through the grief in our relationship again.
Posted by judy1 on January 26, 2003, at 11:30:36
In reply to Re: Marriage Counselors » judy1, posted by IsoM on January 25, 2003, at 16:12:39
Thank you so much for your honesty, I felt really bad that your ex didn't appreciate what a wonderful wife he had. Our counsellor left us with the words to commune with our 'higher power' (isn't that a 12 step expression?- but this is California) and we agreed to meet next week. I think the commitment is there, I also think there's a lot of hurt on both sides that needs to be worked through. After reading your post, I'm greatful my husband actually made the appt. (not me, and that's something I usually take care of). Thanks again for the response, and I hope your hurt eventually goes away. take care, judy
Posted by judy1 on January 26, 2003, at 11:37:50
In reply to Re: Marriage Counselors to Iso, posted by coral on January 25, 2003, at 17:40:47
My WH and I went through a horribly rough time, due to the depression (and my recovery, of all things).... even
separated. However, given what we have now, I'd go through the grief in our relationship again.
I think when things are really rough you and your SO are so busy trying to get through that, so when it eventually quiets down (like your depression lifting) you begin to focus on all the other issues. I'm glad you had a successful experience- one of the things the counselor said was we may come out stronger for this. I'll try to hang on to that. take care, judy
Posted by LA on January 29, 2003, at 21:14:52
In reply to Re: Marriage Counselors to Iso » coral, posted by judy1 on January 26, 2003, at 11:37:50
> My WH and I went through a horribly rough time, due to the depression (and my recovery, of all things).... even
> separated. However, given what we have now, I'd go through the grief in our relationship again.
>
>
> I think when things are really rough you and your SO are so busy trying to get through that, so when it eventually quiets down (like your depression lifting) you begin to focus on all the other issues. I'm glad you had a successful experience- one of the things the counselor said was we may come out stronger for this. I'll try to hang on to that. take care, judy
>Hi,
I am new to this area. I am on meds for depression and having a hard time trying to get my husband to understand just what depression is and how it effects me. He has that you can snap out of it mentality and seems to take it ( that I am depressed ) as a personal attack on him. He will not go for counseling though he says he loves me. And advice would be appreciated.
Thanks
Posted by judy1 on January 30, 2003, at 11:42:33
In reply to Re: Marriage Counselors to Iso, posted by LA on January 29, 2003, at 21:14:52
If he refuses to go, all you can do is go by yourself and discuss all this with your therapist. He/she may have some ideas that will encourage him to go, but even then if he won't you'll gain support and understanding from your therapist. I wish you all the best- judy
Posted by IsoM on January 30, 2003, at 14:15:47
In reply to Re: Marriage Counselors to Iso, posted by LA on January 29, 2003, at 21:14:52
Like Judy said, even if your husband won't go, a marriage counsellor can work with just one person. When my husband refused to go after the 3 visits, the counsellor told me to feel free to return alone if I thought he could help. I was considering it but when my husband decided to leave, I saw no need to.
A counsellor will give you suggestions on how to explain things to your husband. Even if your husband won't go, the counsellor may have some brochures or such that would explain depression in one mate in a marriage. Perhaps your husband would be more willing to read something on his own than listen to someone. If he reads rather than listens, it may make it seem like less pressure on him. There would be no need for him to respond to someone face-to-face that way. And then he may think about what he read.
I've read that often when one mate is depressed, the other somehow feels responsible for their depression. Even if they know better & realise that they didn't cause the depression, they may feel they're perpetuating it. Your husband may feel a subconscious guilt over your depression & that may account for his wish for you to "snap out of it".
You say your husband says he loves you. If he is a loving husband, he may feel like he's lost his wife to the depression & be suffering a degree of grief himself. Hopefully, if you get some counselling, you'll be able to reach him better. He'll understand it's not him that depresses you but something internal with you. Maybe he'll come around & be willing to see a counsellor together later.
Posted by LA on January 30, 2003, at 14:38:10
In reply to Re: Marriage Counselors to Iso » LA, posted by judy1 on January 30, 2003, at 11:42:33
> If he refuses to go, all you can do is go by yourself and discuss all this with your therapist. He/she may have some ideas that will encourage him to go, but even then if he won't you'll gain support and understanding from your therapist. I wish you all the best- judy
Judy
Thank you for answering my post. I think you are right and I should go see the therapist on my own. I don't believe anything will change his mind at this point. For such a smart guy my husband still has a cave man ( that's my name for not being able to grasp anything you can't see ) mentality. I am also concerned about how he will react about my going alone. But I guess I can't really worry about that, because if I do I won't be helping either of us.
LA
Posted by LA on January 30, 2003, at 15:02:13
In reply to more on reluctant husband » LA, posted by IsoM on January 30, 2003, at 14:15:47
> Like Judy said, even if your husband won't go, a marriage counsellor can work with just one person. When my husband refused to go after the 3 visits, the counsellor told me to feel free to return alone if I thought he could help. I was considering it but when my husband decided to leave, I saw no need to.
>
> A counsellor will give you suggestions on how to explain things to your husband. Even if your husband won't go, the counsellor may have some brochures or such that would explain depression in one mate in a marriage. Perhaps your husband would be more willing to read something on his own than listen to someone. If he reads rather than listens, it may make it seem like less pressure on him. There would be no need for him to respond to someone face-to-face that way. And then he may think about what he read.
>
> I've read that often when one mate is depressed, the other somehow feels responsible for their depression. Even if they know better & realise that they didn't cause the depression, they may feel they're perpetuating it. Your husband may feel a subconscious guilt over your depression & that may account for his wish for you to "snap out of it".
>
> You say your husband says he loves you. If he is a loving husband, he may feel like he's lost his wife to the depression & be suffering a degree of grief himself. Hopefully, if you get some counselling, you'll be able to reach him better. He'll understand it's not him that depresses you but something internal with you. Maybe he'll come around & be willing to see a counsellor together later.IsoM
I think you are right when you say he may feel responsible for my depression. He always asks questios like just what is it that you are unhappy about? What have I done now? I don't know if I am imagining it but sometimes I think he may be depressed also though in a different way or maybe just negative.
Anyway I am going to go on my own.
Thanks
LA
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