Posted by IsoM on January 25, 2003, at 16:12:39
In reply to Marriage Counselors, posted by judy1 on January 25, 2003, at 14:02:09
I wish I could tell you more, Judy, but when I insisted my husband & I seek counselling, it didn't work. I'm sure it should have started years earlier for any chance of success.
For him, it was the realisation that things weren't going to continue the way they had, which was fine for him but not me. We went to three sessions & then he told me the counsellor was an idiot & continuing to go was a waste of time. He wouldn't even give it a chance. At the second session, the counsellor gently asked if there were any problems with our sexual relation.
At that time, I had barely recover from a month long bout of viral pneumonia, bed ridden the whole time, & was still very weak. Add to that, though I've never had 'yeast infections' before that I know of, I had the worse ever. It felt like a knife was stabbed & left there. Of course, any sex was out of the question for me for those reasons, but it was only to be a temporary thing.
Well, when the counsellor asked, my husband bluntly said "I want it - she doesn't - we don't" and glared at me. My mouth dropped open & I started to protest, then thought better & shut up. I looked over at the counsellor & saw the look in his eyes of great sadness.
My husband refused to go to any more after the 3rd visit (the counsellor brought up the issue of my husband never giving me any money, even for groceries). He decided it was easier for to leave the marriage than change.
If you & your husband are willing to implement changes & suggestions from your counsellor, & you both work at it, I've heard the success rate is wonderful. Both parties need to be supportive of each other's efforts too. If suggestions don't work quite the way the counsellor hoped, ask him to modify them, or ask what you both may be doing wrong. Maybe a different approach would work better.
I honestly believe if there's still some love & concern for each other in a marriage, despite differences & past hurts, it can be saved & even strengthened for the better. You may find that you'll both fall in love with all over again. If it's possible, when improvements are coming along great, why not take a short 2nd honeymoon, even for a weekend?
Think back to all the reasons you first grew to love your husband. Are any of those reasons still valid? Are there other reasons that have grown through the years that you love him for? How he is as a father to Gabrielle? And ask him to think that way with you. Don't focus on the faults at first (I'm sure the counsellor will suggest something similar). Maybe even calling each other sweet endearments like you used to when younger (honey, sweetie, or such) will help some. Just don't force it if it feels wrong.
I do hope, with my *sincerist* wishes, this works for you both. And I'm sorry I dumped like that. It still burns in me at times & I need to get it out. My apologies for sounding so gloomy there.
poster:IsoM
thread:2299
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20021230/msgs/2300.html