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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 3 of 3. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Lindenblüte on November 8, 2006, at 22:00:31
About 2.5 mos ago, I got 6-8 inches of hair chopped off. The resulting cut is quite short, and quite cute. Flattering.
Now, this is oddly the time when I felt "out of it" having strange feelings of not belonging, or spacing out and sleep-walking through my afternoons as if in a dream. My T didn't recognize me even though there were only 2 people waiting in the waiting room.
I started having a lot of flashbacks and putting pieces together about other times that I've felt this way. Flashbacks not pretty. Movies would not cease. I was feeling really scared, all the time.
Why am I bringing this up here, now?
Well, I am on Day 3 of healthy-eating and activity lifestyle. I am doing well. Feeling well, physically and mentally. More happy, more alert, more optimistic.
BUT, I just had another flashback. The one time I got really fit, I did not feel like I belonged in my body. And the flashback scares me a lot.
I know at the time (5 years ago) I was in a healthy weight, and was physically fit, but my mood and self-esteem were at all time low (until this year). WHY? I think I just figured it out. I never realized before that the feeling of NOT belonging in my own body is something that is not good.
I am going to have to get over this fear, or at least figure it out if I want to feel good about myself in spite of weighing less. I always had assumed that I would be happier thinner. My experience with it is that the thinner I got (was never underweight, or ED or whatnot) the more miserable I felt.
Sure, part of it was that my body was attracting more attention- from men and women, even my very favoritest professor (woman) who was so athletic complimented me on having toned arms. I recall that I barely supressed a shudder of horror. I STILL remember exactly where and how she she said it.
Why? The healthy part of me wants my body to match my healthier mind. The sick part of me wants my body to be ignored, forgotten, neglected.
Why?
crap. I guess I've got some stuff to talk about with my T.
at least I am not feeling hungry, and the healthier eating and activity plan fits in well with my lifestyle.
I hope someone can help me figure out some of this stuff. I hope it's not completely irrelevant on the Eating Board.
-Li
scared her body will change faster than her mind will be able to adapt to
Posted by Meri-Tuuli on November 10, 2006, at 16:26:42
In reply to body and depersonalization, posted by Lindenblüte on November 8, 2006, at 22:00:31
Yeah its interesting, I recently have lost weight (I think you might already know this) but at vague times I got a little scared, because, well my mind couldn't adapt to the changes. I've wondered how must those people cope who have all that plastic surgery?
Is it like you're saying you don't want to get fitter/thinner/whatever because you don't want the (albeit) positive attention it receives? I guess there'll be new situations which might make you feel uncomfortable. Like some friends might feel threatened because suddenly you are fitter/thinner than them. I don't know..... hmmm....
But then, I'm guessing, you won't suddenly change overnight. Weight loss/getting fitter is rather slow, so you'll have plenty of time to get used to it....and the uncomfortable feelings it brings. But I suppose you can deal with them and process them and things like that?
Actually I'm the opposite. I've always been 'the thin one' - I hate putting on weight. Its really strange. Its not that I hate being plumper per se, its just its 'not me'. Ever since I was a wee kid, I was always the skinny one and I somehow don't feel 'myself' when I'm plumper. I don't identify with it somehow. People have always made lots of comments about my body, when you're skinny people think its okay to comment, but its not. When I was a teenager it really got to me - I ate loads - but still, everyone commented. If I'd been fat, however, I bet no-one would have said a peep! Because I've always had a fair amount of attention because of my body, I guess I've got used to it; the comments you describe don't really bother me. A lecturer felt my butt in a bar once and it didn't bother me too much! Although we were both pretty drunk and we were very fond of each other.
Perhaps you're afraid of the change and what it will mean to be a new you.
Anyway, we're both 5'10 !! How cool.
M
Posted by Lindenblüte on November 10, 2006, at 22:42:36
In reply to body and depersonalization, posted by Lindenblüte on November 8, 2006, at 22:00:31
Hi Meri,
I talked about it with my T this week, and I was able to come up with a couple of reasons why I felt unhappy the slimmer I got.1) even my BEST friends were envious, meaning that they tried to take my "good thing" and make it negative- they would do this by using my body to critique their own.
2) i am REALLY REALLY uncomfortable getting comments on my body. I'm not happy gaining weight either- but I'm much more used to being on the "plump" side of the healthy range, or the "barely" side of the overweight range. Ensures that guys won't flirt with my BODY- that they'll only be interested in my mind (that feels "safe" to me, somehow).
3) fear that struggle to maintain some slim figure will lead to unhealthy obsessive thoughts, like it did when I was living on campus with a lot of women nearby. I knew which ones were on the stairmaster for 90 minutes every morning. I knew which ones ate small salads for lunch, and drank vodka shots instead of beer (too fattening). THOSE were the girls that I compared myself too. That's what I'm afraid of.
T suggested to think about creating a healthier lifestyle, and not to think of it as a diet. I am doing okay so far. Haven't hopped on the scale since monday night, so that's impressive.
small changes. took me 6 mos to acquire current padding, so what if it takes me 6 weeks to get it off. Living healthier will supposedly be good for my mood and mental stability too- and I HAVE noticed a better mood since I stopped eating so many refined carbs and sweets.
I'll keep y'all posted.
Meri- I'm only 5'10" AFTER physical therapy or yoga. otherwise- more like 5 9ish. I get some PT on monday, though, so I'll be feeling taller again.
later,
-Litilia :)
This is the end of the thread.
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