Posted by Lindenblüte on November 8, 2006, at 22:00:31
About 2.5 mos ago, I got 6-8 inches of hair chopped off. The resulting cut is quite short, and quite cute. Flattering.
Now, this is oddly the time when I felt "out of it" having strange feelings of not belonging, or spacing out and sleep-walking through my afternoons as if in a dream. My T didn't recognize me even though there were only 2 people waiting in the waiting room.
I started having a lot of flashbacks and putting pieces together about other times that I've felt this way. Flashbacks not pretty. Movies would not cease. I was feeling really scared, all the time.
Why am I bringing this up here, now?
Well, I am on Day 3 of healthy-eating and activity lifestyle. I am doing well. Feeling well, physically and mentally. More happy, more alert, more optimistic.
BUT, I just had another flashback. The one time I got really fit, I did not feel like I belonged in my body. And the flashback scares me a lot.
I know at the time (5 years ago) I was in a healthy weight, and was physically fit, but my mood and self-esteem were at all time low (until this year). WHY? I think I just figured it out. I never realized before that the feeling of NOT belonging in my own body is something that is not good.
I am going to have to get over this fear, or at least figure it out if I want to feel good about myself in spite of weighing less. I always had assumed that I would be happier thinner. My experience with it is that the thinner I got (was never underweight, or ED or whatnot) the more miserable I felt.
Sure, part of it was that my body was attracting more attention- from men and women, even my very favoritest professor (woman) who was so athletic complimented me on having toned arms. I recall that I barely supressed a shudder of horror. I STILL remember exactly where and how she she said it.
Why? The healthy part of me wants my body to match my healthier mind. The sick part of me wants my body to be ignored, forgotten, neglected.
Why?
crap. I guess I've got some stuff to talk about with my T.
at least I am not feeling hungry, and the healthier eating and activity plan fits in well with my lifestyle.
I hope someone can help me figure out some of this stuff. I hope it's not completely irrelevant on the Eating Board.
-Li
scared her body will change faster than her mind will be able to adapt to
poster:Lindenblüte
thread:701833
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/eating/20060628/msgs/701833.html