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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 174 to 198 of 272. Go back in thread:
Posted by Dr. Bob on August 7, 2009, at 9:33:47
In reply to Re: make change, posted by alexandra_k on August 6, 2009, at 23:00:52
> I feel like my thoughts on this are unheard.
>
> DenebThanks for working on this, too, but to me the above doesn't seem significantly different from:
> I feel like that hasn't been understood.
--
> > > > > Why would we encourage people to apologize when we don't believe they have done anything wrong?
> > > >
> > > > Because you wouldn't want them to be blocked.
> > >
> > > Yeah. I guess one might similarly encourage people not to express political dissent when they are in a social group where political dissent is punished by involuntary committment and treatment (e.g., as it used to be considered 'sluggish schizophrenia' in Russia). You can see, though, that people aren't likely to encourage people to stop doing that which they personally have no problem with.
> >
> > Not even in a social group like the above?
>
> I suppose one strategy could be to get people to stop expressing political dissent (eradicate the 'problematic' behavior in that way). That wasn't the idea, though
>
> alexandra_kWhy wasn't that the idea? They didn't want their friends to be involuntarily committed, did they?
Bob
Posted by alexandra_k on August 7, 2009, at 13:27:14
In reply to Re: make change, posted by Dr. Bob on August 7, 2009, at 9:33:47
The police might have a policy that involves incarcerating those of (insert racial profile of your choosing here).
That doesn't mean that those who are concerned for the individuals need to bleach their skin as a 'strrategy' for dealing with the situation.
The psychiatrists might have a policy that involves incarcerating those of (insert political belief of your choosing here).
That doesn't mean that those who are concerned for the individuals need to persuade them not to voice a political opinion as a way of dealing with this issue.
Similary Bob might have a policy for dealing with an apparent 'issue' that contravenes what the majority of society (including the clinican population) has to say about 'healthy interpersonal relationships'.
That doesn't mean that those who are concerned for the individuals who are blocked according to Babble rules need to persuade those who they genuinely care about to tow Bob's line.
I mean really... THink about it.
Posted by Kath on August 7, 2009, at 18:00:34
In reply to Re: make change, posted by Dr. Bob on August 7, 2009, at 9:33:47
> > I feel like my thoughts on this are unheard.
> >
> > Deneb
>
> Thanks for working on this, too, but to me the above doesn't seem significantly different from:
>
> > I feel like that hasn't been understood.~ ~ Ya know - on thinking about it, I don't really understand why these 2 statements aren't okay Dr. Bob.
If I felt that way, isn't it okay to tell that I feel that way?
Kath
Posted by Dr. Bob on August 7, 2009, at 21:32:17
In reply to Re: make change » Dr. Bob, posted by Kath on August 7, 2009, at 18:00:34
> The police might have a policy that involves incarcerating those of (insert racial profile of your choosing here).
>
> That doesn't mean that those who are concerned for the individuals need to bleach their skin as a 'strrategy' for dealing with the situation.
>
> alexandra_kNo, but I don't see apologizing after being uncivil as analogous to bleaching one's skin. Unless being uncivil is as central to their identity as race...
--
> > > I feel like my thoughts on this are unheard.
> > > I feel like that hasn't been understood.
>
> Ya know - on thinking about it, I don't really understand why these 2 statements aren't okay Dr. Bob.
>
> If I felt that way, isn't it okay to tell that I feel that way?
>
> KathYou might feel that way, but I might feel accused of not hearing or understanding. Those statements are more about me (whether I hear and understand) than you (how you feel). Again, see Dinah's post:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20040112/msgs/320097.html
Bob
Posted by Deneb on August 7, 2009, at 22:41:32
In reply to Re: make change, posted by Dr. Bob on August 7, 2009, at 21:32:17
> You might feel that way, but I might feel accused of not hearing or understanding. Those statements are more about me (whether I hear and understand) than you (how you feel). Again, see Dinah's post:
>
> http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20040112/msgs/320097.html
>
> Bob
How about:Privacy is important to me and I feel frustrated.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 8, 2009, at 1:36:00
In reply to Re: make change, posted by Dr. Bob on August 7, 2009, at 21:32:17
> I don't see apologizing after being uncivil as analogous to bleaching one's skin. Unless being uncivil is as central to their identity as race...
The point of the analogy is that in each of those cases what the person was doing was something that we typically think is allowable or acceptable and well within their rights as a human being. Other people attempt to get them to change - and the idea here is that sometimes the best way to support a person in this kind of position is NOT to try and get them to tow some line that you don't really believe in. Rather, it is an attempt to get the stupid rules changed. Similarly... Many people feel that you block people here for unjustifyable reasons. They think that you attempt to get posters to alter the way they express themselves when you really aren't justified in doing so. They think that your penalties are too harsh for people who don't or won't tow your line.
For example:
> You might feel that way, but I might feel accused of not hearing or understanding. Those statements are more about me (whether I hear and understand) than you (how you feel). Again, seeAnd really, what is so bad about that? You are very idiosyncratic in what you determine might lead someone to feel accused etc. Very idiosyncratic indeed. If there were an accepted standard on norms of self expression (ie one that other clinicians could grasp too) then things would be better... But a block of up to one year for something that nobody else has a problem with except you??? Give me a break...
Posted by SLS on August 8, 2009, at 7:02:15
In reply to Re: make change » Dr. Bob, posted by Sigismund on July 16, 2009, at 15:56:35
This post sucks, but I tried.
> >> "Bob ... has demonstrated so little understanding of how important privacy is for us."
Taken out of context, this doesn't sound too bad to me.
"I feel as though Dr. Bob doesn't understand how important privacy is for us."
The subtle change sounds better to me because it is an "I" statement. Interesting what happens were I to substitute "me" for "us".
Almost any statement can be viewed as an accusation if it refers to an action or trait of someone other than the speaker.
What would you do with this one?
"I don't think you understand me."
Or this one.
"You never take a good picture of me."
This is an accusation, right?
It might hurt the photographer's feelings, but does it rise to the level of being uncivil? If so, why? If not, perhaps the two people can work out any conflict, if indeed there is one.
Same sentence, add a smile emoticon.
"You never take a good picture of me. :-)"
Is tone important in assessing the civility of word combinations? If so, then you might need to exerpt more than one sentence of a post in a notification of incivility.
If I were to say, "Dr. Bob understands us", is this accusatory of everyone who thinks otherwise?
This semantic dance could go on for quite awhile, but how does it enhance the communication between individuals to not be able to post any sentence that mentions another individual? There aren't too many things left to post.
At some point, the microscope loses perspective when it examines objects too closely for too long.
I am not against the moderation of the Psycho-Babble website. I think it needs some enforceable guidelines to prevent flame wars and the ridicule of one member by another. There are other posting behaviors that should be examined as well, including overgeneralizing. However, at this point, I can't help but to feel shackled by what seems like an ever expanding judgment of posting incivility.
- Scott
Posted by Kath on August 8, 2009, at 18:37:43
In reply to Re: make change, posted by Dr. Bob on August 7, 2009, at 21:32:17
I think this is my last try....
Once again, this isn't about how I (Kath) feel.
How about "I've often felt frustrated about privacy issues. Privacy is really important to me."
Kath
Posted by SLS on August 8, 2009, at 19:38:15
In reply to Re: make change » Dr. Bob, posted by Kath on August 8, 2009, at 18:37:43
> I think this is my last try....
>
> Once again, this isn't about how I (Kath) feel.
>
> How about "I've often felt frustrated about privacy issues. Privacy is really important to me."Well-crafted.
:-)
- Scott
Posted by Kath on August 8, 2009, at 21:12:34
In reply to Re: make change » Kath, posted by SLS on August 8, 2009, at 19:38:15
> > I think this is my last try....
> >
> > Once again, this isn't about how I (Kath) feel.
> >
> > How about "I've often felt frustrated about privacy issues. Privacy is really important to me."
>
> Well-crafted.
>
> :-)
>
>
> - Scott~ ~ Thanks Scott. It seems to me that if a person wanted to get the fact that they felt privacy didn't seem to be given as much priority as they wished it would here at PB - It seems to me that it might not be possible to say that in any way that would be acceptable.
And I sort of don't understand why. The way that makes me feel reminds me of the earlier days in my marriage, when I'd try to talk with my husband about something & it just would NOT work out - I remember feeling really like a big metal door clanged down between us & I would think, "OK. Fine. I guess I just can't be heard about this. Oh well. I feel less close & I feel a sense of aloneness in this relationship, when I'd hoped to be able to share honestly about how I felt. Oh well. Whatever."
Things don't feel like that now in my marriage, thank God. But I DO remember how it felt. And it didn't feel nice. I don't find it a nice feeling to not be able to be honest & open about how I feel.
Kath
Posted by alexandra_k on August 9, 2009, at 1:09:42
In reply to Re: make change » SLS, posted by Kath on August 8, 2009, at 21:12:34
I wonder how Dr Bob feels when he talks to other psychiatrists. Whether the civility dinger that goes off in his head goes into overtime or quite what. Must be frustrating that he can't really haul them over the coals to rephrase to his satisfaction the way he can do with us, here. I wonder if he thinks he is raising a generation of inter-personally more effective people or... If this is something of an experiment to him. Anyone wonder what other clinicians make of his 'yay' or 'nay' on rephrasings?
Easy enough to read between the lines in the archives...
Posted by alexandra_k on August 9, 2009, at 1:19:04
In reply to Re: make change, posted by alexandra_k on August 9, 2009, at 1:09:42
I think that is partly why Bob's efforts to get other clinicians involved in the site were largely unsuccessful. Partly why the clinicians who were involved here reduced their involvement over time. He has this idiosyncratic thing going on with respect to the technical details of what it is okay to say and what leaves you open to being blocked for up to one year. I think most clinicians really wouldn't be so very bothered to learn the idiosyncrasies of what Bob does and does not find acceptable. I mean really - what would the point be?
Bob might think that he has some special insight into inter-personal communication but really the whole area is fraught with controversy and what he requires goes well beyond 'suggestions' for improving inter-personal communications with minimizing misunderstanding and arguing and interpersonal offense.
People often do try and communicate something of their rationale for leaving when they have invested in the site over time. Bob doesn't really seem to take what people have to say about that terribly seriously. The experiment continues.
Sometimes I wonder if he is on some kind of 'self-destruct' mission for the site. To see how far he can push the idiosyncracies of what is and what is not acceptable... To see how far he can push the blocking limits... To see how far he can go... And what core group of people remains.
We surely know one thing: Those who tend to idealize tend to get blocked less. The 'good' people who invest much effort in trying to be 'good' in trying to tow a line because acceptance is dependent on that. Recapitulating something, no doubt. A selected group... Kinda interesting, really.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 9, 2009, at 1:26:30
In reply to Re: make change, posted by alexandra_k on August 9, 2009, at 1:19:04
> We surely know one thing: Those who tend to idealize tend to get blocked less. The 'good' people who invest much effort in trying to be 'good' in trying to tow a line because acceptance is dependent on that.Except sometimes he seems to think it is kinda fun to block them too. 'Just to see what will happen'? Perhaps... Will it break or will it be stronger? Curiosity... Perhaps...
I don't think it is fair that he is allowed to play with us in such a way...
'I'm not a clinician I have no responsibility for your mental health' on the one hand...
'How does that make you feel' on the other...I'm not terribly surprised that some have thought that he is indeed getting the 'best of both worlds' (or attempting to) in a way that is at least ethically questionable. I'm not terribly surprised that the 'informed' consent that we provide here is dubious with respect to how 'informed' it is and with respect to how much people really are in the position to offer 'informed' consent for what it is that he does offer us.
And then there are country boundaries, too. I suppose the management of the politics board makes most sense with respect to norms on expression in the USA. Which people from the USA 'might plausibly' feel hurt and accused, in particular. Never mind those whose ancestors were Nazi's and how those people 'might plausibly' feel. Never mind norms on political expression for people outside the USA.
It really is surprising that there hasn't been more of an inquiry as to what Bob is actually doing... But I guess the University spoke with their feet when they decided they didn't want a bar of it...
Posted by alexandra_k on August 9, 2009, at 1:32:26
In reply to Re: make change, posted by alexandra_k on August 9, 2009, at 1:26:30
One might wonder how fair it is that he presents himself as a 'psychiatrist from the University of Chicago' when he tries to absolve himself of responsibility with respect to both norms of practice for psychaitrists and norms of practice for employees of the University of Chicago by saying he simply isn't posting here as a person in either of those roles.
If he isn't bound by the code of conduct then how is he justified in claiming those affiliations for this context?
Only in America, perhaps...
I wonder if his insurance covers professional misconduct on this board or whether his 'disclaimer' sufficiently absolves him...
Posted by Deneb on August 9, 2009, at 1:45:36
In reply to Re: make change, posted by alexandra_k on August 9, 2009, at 1:32:26
Dr. Bob doesn't enjoy blocking people, it is just something he has to do as an administrator.
He says he's sorry when he does it.
Also Dr. Bob is trying to block less now by letting people solve problems on their own.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 9, 2009, at 2:18:58
In reply to Re: make change, posted by Deneb on August 9, 2009, at 1:45:36
> Dr. Bob doesn't enjoy blocking people, it is just something he has to do as an administrator.
I don't think the 'has to' is forced upon him from without. His 'decision' arises from the rules that he voluntarily decided on and the way that he chooses to interpret the words of others.
> He says he's sorry when he does it.
Yes... And then he does it again, over and over. That wasn't quite what I thought 'sorry' meant...
> Also Dr. Bob is trying to block less now by letting people solve problems on their own.
Intermittently. He seems to try this intermittently, yes.
Posted by SLS on August 9, 2009, at 5:46:51
In reply to Re: make change, posted by Deneb on August 9, 2009, at 1:45:36
I think the whole civility thing is an experiment of sorts. Are we teachable? Would we change our manner of communication? Would we become better people? Obviously, Dr. Hsiung has concluded that it has had positive results. It is hard not to acknowledge, though, that people do show more respect for each other than before the advent of enforceable rules of civility.
All I can say is that something doesn't feel right to me right now.
An interesting experiment would be to announce a moratorium on the enforcement of the rules of civility for a few months and see what happens.
- Scott
Posted by Deneb on August 9, 2009, at 5:53:10
In reply to Re: make change, posted by SLS on August 9, 2009, at 5:46:51
> An interesting experiment would be to announce a moratorium on the enforcement of the rules of civility for a few months and see what happens.
>
>
> - ScottPlease don't do that. I just visited a forum with no civility rules and it was awful there. Very scary.
Posted by SLS on August 9, 2009, at 5:56:42
In reply to Re: make change, posted by Deneb on August 9, 2009, at 5:53:10
> > An interesting experiment would be to announce a moratorium on the enforcement of the rules of civility for a few months and see what happens.
> Please don't do that. I just visited a forum with no civility rules and it was awful there. Very scary.
Okay. I vacate my suggestion.
:-)
- Scott
Posted by Dinah on August 9, 2009, at 10:27:46
In reply to Re: make change, posted by Dr. Bob on August 6, 2009, at 20:58:59
"Privacy is very important to me. I am not comfortable with Twitter because I am not comfortable with the level of exposure there. I feel frustrated because I don't feel that I've been able to communicate those concerns to you in such a way that you see them the way I do."
I mean, it's not certain that Dr. Bob doesn't understand them. At any rate, he was open to honoring people's feelings whether he understood the reasoning or not. And it's possible that he understood every word, but just didn't agree.
Although admittedly, I can't quite recall the entire conversation and may have missed the mark. My brain gets totally disorganized when my computer isn't working right.
Posted by Deneb on August 9, 2009, at 10:34:32
In reply to Re: make change, posted by Dinah on August 9, 2009, at 10:27:46
Wow Dinah, you're good! You're the Queen of "I statements". :-)
Posted by Dr. Bob on August 9, 2009, at 13:34:28
In reply to Re: make change » Dr. Bob, posted by Kath on August 8, 2009, at 18:37:43
> How about:
>
> Privacy is important to me and I feel frustrated.
>
> Deneb> How about "I've often felt frustrated about privacy issues. Privacy is really important to me."
Those are both fine. Feeling frustrated is a statement about you more than me.
> It seems to me that if a person wanted to get the fact that they felt privacy didn't seem to be given as much priority as they wished it would here at PB - It seems to me that it might not be possible to say that in any way that would be acceptable.
But also fine would be:
"I feel privacy doesn't seem to be given as much priority as I wish it would here at PB."
or, more directly:
"I wish privacy were given more priority here at PB."
And of course Dinah's suggestion was excellent.
> The way that makes me feel reminds me of the earlier days in my marriage, when I'd try to talk with my husband about something & it just would NOT work out - I remember feeling really like a big metal door clanged down between us & I would think, "OK. Fine. I guess I just can't be heard about this. Oh well. I feel less close & I feel a sense of aloneness in this relationship, when I'd hoped to be able to share honestly about how I felt. Oh well. Whatever."
>
> Things don't feel like that now in my marriage, thank God. But I DO remember how it felt. And it didn't feel nice. I don't find it a nice feeling to not be able to be honest & open about how I feel.
>
> KathWhat's different in your marriage now, may I ask? It's nice to be able to be honest and open, but that doesn't always bring people closer.
--
> the stupid rules
Remember, the idea here is not to post anything that could lead others (including me) to feel accused or put down.
> sometimes the best way to support a person in this kind of position is NOT to try and get them to tow some line that you don't really believe in. Rather, it is an attempt to get the ... rules changed.
>
> alexandra_kAt this time, would you feel more supported if others encouraged you to apologize or rephrase or if they attempted to get that rule changed?
Bob
Posted by Kath on August 10, 2009, at 18:06:50
In reply to Re: make change, posted by Dr. Bob on August 9, 2009, at 13:34:28
> But also fine would be:
>
> "I feel privacy doesn't seem to be given as much priority as I wish it would here at PB."
>
> or, more directly:
>
> "I wish privacy were given more priority here at PB."YAYYYYYYYYYY - so there IS a way to say it. Good.
> > Things don't feel like that now in my marriage, thank God. But I DO remember how it felt. And it didn't feel nice. I don't find it a nice feeling to not be able to be honest & open about how I feel.
> >
>
> What's different in your marriage now, may I ask? It's nice to be able to be honest and open, but that doesn't always bring people closer.Yes, you may ask & I'm okay with answering also.
:-)
I think the main thing that's changed is that if my husband reacts defensively about something I say, I no longer allow my discomfort about his potential/perceived anger to silence me.I will maybe say something like, "I am not attacking you. What I'm saying is not meant to be a judgement about you...." & then go on to talk more about whatever it is.
I must give myself a jolly good pat on the back about this also! I actually usually get pretty teed off that he's taken it personally. But I am able to rise above my anger/frustration, to keep the conversation from just turning into nastiness. I refuse to allow that to happen.
Another example is if he responds to a comment with something like, "So you're saying that I always buy lentils that are broken!" (This actually was a phone conversation on Friday!) And I replied, "No, that's not what I'm saying at all! The lentils that we have right now have lots of broken ones in them. When you asked me if there was anything else I'd like you to bring home, I said, "If they have any green lentils that don't have broken ones in them, could you get some of them." (I sprout lentils & it's a pain to pick out the broken ones, in case anyone's wondering why the heck it matters! lol)
Kath
Posted by Dr. Bob on August 10, 2009, at 18:19:12
In reply to Re: make change, posted by Kath on August 10, 2009, at 18:06:50
> I will maybe say something like, "I am not attacking you. What I'm saying is not meant to be a judgement about you...." & then go on to talk more about whatever it is.
>
> I must give myself a jolly good pat on the back about this also! I actually usually get pretty teed off that he's taken it personally. But I am able to rise above my anger/frustration, to keep the conversation from just turning into nastiness. I refuse to allow that to happen.Thanks for replying. You deserve that pat on the back! I think it can help here, too, to focus on the issue instead of the person. At least when being negative. :-)
Bob
Posted by alexandra_k on August 11, 2009, at 9:51:34
In reply to Re: make change, posted by Dr. Bob on August 9, 2009, at 13:34:28
Would you feel more supported in your alleged mission for this site if people encouraged you to apologize or change your rules, or if they attempted to get e.g., Zen or Muffled to not say 'sh*t' without an asterisk?
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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