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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by linkadge on November 1, 2004, at 14:22:29
I am taking celexa, epival, and lithium. I am still depressed, and my mood jumps from extreme fear to extreme irritability.
I am so hopeless. The hospital let me go, my pdoc says he doesn't want to see me for a month, to let the meds work, and I still feel so low.
I am so brain dammaged from all these meds, there is not a chance in the world that I will finish my education. I've given up on succeeding, I'm just now trying to fail as slowly as possible.
I spend hours just sitting there in this state of irritability/anger at god etc. Not wanting to move because there nobody to blame the anger on, yet no way to get rid of it.
My whole body starts to twich and convulse periodically and I have a headache that never leaves. I also feel like somebody is pushing me from behind.
I have heart palpatitions, and can't stop shivering.
Nobody really cares. They hear that you say you're find one day, and they think you're fine forever.
I spend half the day wanting to kill myself, and the other half of the day fearing burning in hell for doing so.
There's no way out and time is not making it any easier. The more antidepressant I take the more agitated I become. The docotors don't seem to understand this.
I don't know who I am anymore.
I don't think I have ever been more messed up or more hopeless in all my life.
If I was to kill myself, it would not be an attempt, I would make that for sure
Linkadge
Posted by Slinky on November 1, 2004, at 14:48:22
In reply to unbelievably messed up, posted by linkadge on November 1, 2004, at 14:22:29
Linkadge
I feel so sad hearing your post..I feel nothing I can say will make things better for you..hoping you feel some ease soon.
Posted by TomG on November 1, 2004, at 14:51:14
In reply to Re: unbelievably messed up » linkadge, posted by Slinky on November 1, 2004, at 14:48:22
Try an antipsychotic.
Posted by banga on November 1, 2004, at 15:10:25
In reply to unbelievably messed up, posted by linkadge on November 1, 2004, at 14:22:29
Hang in there, it's worth it. I too felt brain-damaged from meds for 2 years, went to neuropsychiatrists and everything. I now feel clearer-headed...I'm still having depressive and anxiety episodes, but things are slowly looking up. Just think of one specific incident in your life when you remember feeling happy..it may be hard to at first, but just picture a time that you smiled...just one instant, and there's your proof that you once felt a little better, and that means you CAN feel better again, even if it feels hopeless now. All these meds do have their nasty side effects, feels like the brain is clogged and empty at the same time. Finding the right combo can be overwhelming and bring on despair, I've been there. I'm just a few steps ahead now, and even now I see it was worth hanging in. Just hang on.
Posted by jujube on November 1, 2004, at 17:17:58
In reply to unbelievably messed up, posted by linkadge on November 1, 2004, at 14:22:29
Don't give up. Right now you are living fear and maybe experiencing some guilt and shame. You have to continue to believe that there is something, or a combo of things, that will help you be your old self again. And, please stop beating yourself up over this setback. That is, no doubt, compounding your fear and depression. You are young yet, and school, your studies and academic accomplishments will be waiting for you when you are well. There is no set timeline for any individual to succeed. Putting pressure on yourself to accomplish certain goals can be detrimental and worsen your condition. Be kind and patient with yourself. Maybe your life plan is going to take a detour for a period of time (hopefully brief), but you will accomplish your goals. You seem to be a smart, articulate individual, who has obviously accomplished much already.
Perhaps you can talk to your doctor about some kind of treatment program that would provide you with medical supervision and therapy for a longer period than a hospital stay. I would think there are in-treatment programs for people trying to overcome depression and anxiety, etc. It may be worth looking into. You could then be submersed in treatment instead of one visit a month with a pdoc.
I wish you kinder, gentler times in the days, weeks and months ahead.
Take care things will get better.
Tamara
> I am taking celexa, epival, and lithium. I am still depressed, and my mood jumps from extreme fear to extreme irritability.
>
> I am so hopeless. The hospital let me go, my pdoc says he doesn't want to see me for a month, to let the meds work, and I still feel so low.
>
> I am so brain dammaged from all these meds, there is not a chance in the world that I will finish my education. I've given up on succeeding, I'm just now trying to fail as slowly as possible.
>
> I spend hours just sitting there in this state of irritability/anger at god etc. Not wanting to move because there nobody to blame the anger on, yet no way to get rid of it.
>
> My whole body starts to twich and convulse periodically and I have a headache that never leaves. I also feel like somebody is pushing me from behind.
>
> I have heart palpatitions, and can't stop shivering.
>
> Nobody really cares. They hear that you say you're find one day, and they think you're fine forever.
>
> I spend half the day wanting to kill myself, and the other half of the day fearing burning in hell for doing so.
>
> There's no way out and time is not making it any easier. The more antidepressant I take the more agitated I become. The docotors don't seem to understand this.
>
> I don't know who I am anymore.
>
> I don't think I have ever been more messed up or more hopeless in all my life.
>
> If I was to kill myself, it would not be an attempt, I would make that for sure
>
>
>
> Linkadge
>
>
Posted by woolav on November 1, 2004, at 17:39:07
In reply to Re: unbelievably messed up » linkadge, posted by jujube on November 1, 2004, at 17:17:58
Linkage, how long have you been taking this med combo? When i took lithium, i was a zombie. Celexa worked good for the depression for a while and xanax for anxiety. I took these meds at diff. times. Have you tried lamictal? After you get to a theraputic dose, it seems to work good for mood swings. I was dx with panic disorder..yeah right. i have episodes of major depression. (usually short) where i hate myself, the world would be better off without me, i want to go away and die. So, i told my pdoc that perhaps i am having some bp2 symptoms, since i am cycling. she raised my lamictal and i take prozac and klon. and for now, i am actually feeling normal. Just please dont give up. I could be dead right now if i let the demons take over, but i keep fighting. I know what you mean about going to hell too. Are you catholic? Because I am and I worry about that too, i want to be with my family when i go one day, not with lucifer. Thats a real good deteriant for not killing yourself. You deserve better than that Linkage. You know we all care about each other on this site.....
hugs,,
sandy
Posted by Lazarus on November 1, 2004, at 17:41:11
In reply to unbelievably messed up, posted by linkadge on November 1, 2004, at 14:22:29
What ever you do, move forward and don't look back. Yes, it's difficult, but not impossible.
We carry around an incredible amount of junk with us. We jettison it, but it comes back to us because we have attached a bungee cord to it and at some point we have to cut the cord and let it all go.
Lazarus
Posted by Guy on November 1, 2004, at 20:04:36
In reply to unbelievably messed up, posted by linkadge on November 1, 2004, at 14:22:29
Linkadge,
I, too, have suffered for a long time with extreme anxiety. I have finally found relief with 2 mg clonazepam (benzo) plus 5 mg Zyprexa (new anti-psychotic). You shouldn't suffer for another month...go see your GP if you have to and tell him/her how you are feeling. Dump your shrink if necessary. Believe me, the Zyprexa will chill you out and give you renewed hope. Take care.
Posted by cherylann on November 1, 2004, at 21:27:19
In reply to Re: unbelievably messed up » linkadge, posted by Slinky on November 1, 2004, at 14:48:22
I wish there were something I could say to make you feel better. I'm so bad with words, so I'll just say that you've answered many of my posts before with logic and wisdom and I always look forward to reading them. You are a vital part of this board and have my respect.
One of the few words of wisdom my mother gave me was-
This, too, shall pass.
Hokey I know, but it's so true.
Best wishes,
cherylann
Posted by D minor on November 2, 2004, at 0:31:28
In reply to unbelievably messed up, posted by linkadge on November 1, 2004, at 14:22:29
linkadge,
what stage of schooling are you in? I had just graduated college when I was dxed MD. This, of coarse, means that for at least part of my schooling I was depressed and untreated. Don't give up on your educational goals. School goes by very fast and I'm sure you'll continue to do well.
> I am so hopeless. The hospital let me go, my pdoc says he doesn't want to see me for a month, to let the meds work, and I still feel so low.
There is a period of time after the worst part of a depression when you are getting better but are still depressed. This recovery phase can last a while. You just have to take it slow.I wish I could tell you my whole story, but that would take a while. As someone already suggested, you may join an out-patient program. I lived in a "half-way-house" for a while, then did a day-program/out patient thing. It really helped.
> I am so brain dammaged from all these meds, there is not a chance in the world that I will finish my education. I've given up on succeeding, I'm just now trying to fail as slowly as possible.
Ok, now I do have to share part of my story. I wanted to go to grad school and become Ph.D. in biology. When I was hospitalized (6 times!) I felt my world had come to an end because it didn't seem like I could reach that goal any longer. But I met a man in the hosptal who was Bipolar. He too had wanted to go to grad school, and had struggled and struggled to live up to his and his parents expectations. Then one day he realized that it was ridiculous for him to torture himself like that. He became a research assistant, and guess what, life went on! I couldn't believe it. Not becoming a professor hadn't ruined his life, he was still loved and loving and sucessful. So I kinda let go of becoming a Ph.D. And I was OK with that. But now, a year later, I've discovered phamacy. I'm applying to pharmacy school and working in a pharmacy now. Things are looking up! I know they'll work out for you too.
> I spend hours just sitting there in this state of irritability/anger at god etc. Not wanting to move because there nobody to blame the anger on, yet no way to get rid of it.
>
> My whole body starts to twich and convulse periodically and I have a headache that never leaves. I also feel like somebody is pushing me from behind.Can you believe that I had a two month migrain!
I had to take Nortriptyline and then Topamax to get it to stop. Just saying, I know what you mean!
>
> Nobody really cares. They hear that you say you're find one day, and they think you're fine forever.Once again, I know what you mean. And I care.
> I spend half the day wanting to kill myself, and the other half of the day fearing burning in hell for doing so.Out of curiosity, what religion are you? I'm Christian. If you are too, there are some pretty cool web sites I could give you links to.
> There's no way out and time is not making it any easier. The more antidepressant I take the more agitated I become. The docotors don't seem to understand this.I was seriously shocked at both how slow and how fast my recovery seemed to be. Sometimes I felt like you do, that time wasn't making any differece. Then suddenly, there was a differece. Still, a year after my last hospitalization, I have my moments. But it is drastically better. If you can still say that time makes no difference a year from now, we'll talk. ;-)
> I don't know who I am anymore.
Hmm, that's a hard one. I was just recently dxed Bipolar, just when I had the MD thing down. So I feel you. I think it probably will take time for me and you too.
> I don't think I have ever been more messed up or more hopeless in all my life.
>
> If I was to kill myself, it would not be an attempt, I would make that for sure
Don't do that. Then you would never see the miracle God will do in your life. If He did it for me, I know He'll do it for you. There's a really cool site I have to tell you about. Read the "Food for thought" articles, especially the one about why we were chosen.http://www.kiva.net/~sjb/bipolarnotbonk/
Sorry this message was so long,
dm
Posted by denise1904 on November 5, 2004, at 9:09:27
In reply to unbelievably messed up, posted by linkadge on November 1, 2004, at 14:22:29
Linkadge,
Just wanted to say that your post could have been written by myself I've felt exactly as you sound in your note. The wanting to die but the terror of going to hell particularly struck a chord but I used to scare myself into thinking I WAS actually in hell and that was precisely it.
I know it's so easy to say but don't give up because something will come along, you're not imagining all this, there has to be an explanation and one day (hopefully soon) somebody will come up with it, if they can grow body parts and grow new blood from stem cells then they can start coming up with some answers on mental illness. Have you tried raising the dose of the Celexa and what about just taking 10mg of Zyprexa now and again just to quell the suicidal thoughts, it really used to help me. Just take it one day at a time (in the words of that song) :-)
Denise
Posted by denise1904 on November 5, 2004, at 14:43:10
In reply to unbelievably messed up, posted by linkadge on November 1, 2004, at 14:22:29
Hi,
Your note struck so many chords with me, I could have been writing it myself a year or so go, I used to go through all that, the feeling of wanting to kill myself and then the horrible fear that if I did I would go to hell and then I'd think what if I'm already in hell and what if I kill myself and nothing changed. so I can really empathise as I expect many people on here can. The very fact that most of us know how your feeling is good in a way because at least you know it's not just you.
I've seen many of your posts and I know that you don't always feel like this and I know it's so easy to say but just take each day at a time at the moment (like that song :-)) edventually (hopefully soon, the scientific world will come up with something, have some answers.
We've all just got to keep searching.
Denise
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