![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 17 to 41 of 45. Go back in thread:
Posted by cubbybear on January 29, 2003, at 23:52:18
In reply to Re: In the depths of depression--please help, posted by deli on January 29, 2003, at 17:31:52
Dear Deli,
Your message was one of the best, most uplifting and encouraging I've received. I will surely print it out and keep it and re-read it as often as I have to. Yesterday was far worse for me than the day I originally posted. I had actually sunk down even more and the level of pain was unparalleled. So I hope you will stay in conctact with this board in case I want to write directly to you again.
cubbybear
Posted by cubbybear on January 30, 2003, at 0:26:50
In reply to Re: In the depths of depression--please help » LyndaK » cubbybear, posted by LyndaK on January 29, 2003, at 13:27:24
But no other medication has made the kind of difference that Remeron has made for me, and I think that's pretty much what you've been saying about Parnate for you.
I forgot all about you taking Remeron (that's how messed up my concentration and memory has been). I'm very happy for you that you like it and that it's been working out.> I'm wondering if it would be a good idea for you to make a trip back to the U.S. even if the Aurorix suddently kicked in and started working.
Well, I ordinarily make the trip every year in April regardless of how I'm feeling. It's been kind of a tradition for me to go back for about one week to do personal stuff and shop for OTC drug store items, as well as visit my mom once a year. But this year, the trip will have to come in March, if I'm going to wind up switching to Parnate, since I can't wait any longer and I still have an unused prescription for Parnate that will expire on 3/31. (Otherwise, I'd have to go through God-knows how much hassle to get another one). I'm going post a new thread inquiring about doctors who prescribe Parnate in L.A. and Phoenix, in case I'm faced with an urgent situation in getting a new script written.You could use the time that school's not in session to come out here and work with a therapist who has a better understanding of your condition and doesn't confuse depression with personal weakness AND who might be able to help you sort out some of the social issues that have caused so much grief.
That's a great idea but I doubt if I'd have the money to spare for even one private session. What is the going rate now for a one-on-one session (50 minutes) with a psychologist in California? Do you know?
And maybe a visit with your Mom would be a good thing??
I'm afraid I don't understand your tone here. Are you casting DOUBT on my seeing her or suggesting it? Please be honest and explain. (Although I presently feel distanced over her latest E-mail and tendency to get a bit hysterical, I can't imagine going out there and NOT seeing her in a million years.
>
Thanks a million times for everything; if I didn't have this board and people like you, I don't know what I'd do. My pdoc has discouraged extra visits, I'm now feeling somewhat distanced from my Mom (common problem with families who don't understand what depression is like) and I have few friends here. So people like you and everyone else on the board can help sustain me at times like this.
>
cubbybear
Posted by cubbybear on January 30, 2003, at 1:06:35
In reply to Re: In the depths of depression--please help » LyndaK, posted by proud mary on January 29, 2003, at 11:00:19
> This line bothers me, alot:
>
> My pdoc told me NOT to go running off to the hospital every time I feel a psychological emergency--he's obviously trying to get me to become less dependent andto fight this thing out on my own. But today I felt such horrible pain that I wondered just where do you draw the line?
>
> I honestly do not believe that any psychiatric doctor should be telling some one in your state of mind that. They are there to HELP, not put limitations on where or how you get that help. It almost sounds like he's annoyed with you! I've had enough therapy, been to enough psychiatrists and received enough care over the years to know that that is NOT right. You are hurting and practically non-functional; you are hanging in there by a thread, as you said, and it is affecting your perspective and the way you look at things and the way you handle things and the way you think. Does he really expect you to be able to "fight your way out of this?"
>
> Please keep writing to us all and consider, if at all possible, changing pdocs. I don't know the whole of your situation, but if there is any way you can come back to the states and receive the support and proper medical care and medication you need, do it! (my opinion). This is your LIFE we are talking about here, not some character in a novel!Proud Mary,
The depression is bad enough, but now I'm starting to get conflicting advice.Such is the nature of this board. First understand, that in a place like Bangkok Thailand, psychiatrists are extremely hard to come by, much less decent/good ones. Secondly, I can partially understand his point, although you are also right.
Third, if I can just hang on somehow for about one month, I will come to the U.S. and get the medication I know will work (not available here). I need to somehow hang on till the end of February, since I am a teacher, and quitting before the end of the school year/contract would cause me to be penalized monetarily and lose a hefty bonus. I was even planning on returning here after the trip to the U.S. This is not just a holiday, but an extended stay (four years now), in case you didn't know. There's just so much involved. . .I'm convinced, however, that most if not all of this is hinging on my getting the right medication and making the best of what I have with my current doctor here.
Posted by LyndaK on January 30, 2003, at 2:55:06
In reply to Re: In the depths of depression--please help » LyndaK, posted by cubbybear on January 30, 2003, at 0:26:50
I'm going post a new thread inquiring about doctors who prescribe Parnate in L.A. and Phoenix, in case I'm faced with an urgent situation in getting a new script written.
Good idea. Wish I could help but I live in San Jose.
>
> You could use the time that school's not in session to come out here and work with a therapist who has a better understanding of your condition and doesn't confuse depression with personal weakness AND who might be able to help you sort out some of the social issues that have caused so much grief.
>
> That's a great idea but I doubt if I'd have the money to spare for even one private session. What is the going rate now for a one-on-one session (50 minutes) with a psychologist in California? Do you know?You have a good point. I had to quit seeing the psychologist that I was seeing for individual therapy because I couldn't afford him once he made the decision to not accept insurance anymore. His rate was $125.00 per session though he was willing to negotiate his fee a bit based on ability to pay -- but even the lower fee he offered was more than I felt comfortable paying out considering my husband is unemployed and I work part time. I stayed in group therapy (run by the same therapist) because it was more affordable - 180.00 per month. I have no idea how these fees compare to anyone else out there.
>
> And maybe a visit with your Mom would be a good thing??
> I'm afraid I don't understand your tone here. Are you casting DOUBT on my seeing her or suggesting it? Please be honest and explain. (Although I presently feel distanced over her latest E-mail and tendency to get a bit hysterical, I can't imagine going out there and NOT seeing her in a million years.I'm so sorry if I offended you! The question marks were just an expression of my own uncertainty about what you meant in your last post. I didn't realize you made yearly trips out to see your mom anyways.
I'm a mom of two little boys (5 and 7) and I understand the "hysterical" thing. I thought I was a worrier before, but nothing compares to the kind of worry I feel when I'm worrying about my kids. When they're in pain, I feel it too. I'm not sure that changes all that much just because the kids grow up.
> >
> Thanks a million times for everything; if I didn't have this board and people like you, I don't know what I'd do. My pdoc has discouraged extra visits, I'm now feeling somewhat distanced from my Mom (common problem with families who don't understand what depression is like) and I have few friends here. So people like you and everyone else on the board can help sustain me at times like this.
> >
> cubbybear
>
Glad you're able to find some comfort here.
I'll keep lookin' for ya!
Lynda
Posted by cubbybear on January 30, 2003, at 9:34:17
In reply to Re: In the depths of depression--please help » LyndaK » cubbybear, posted by LyndaK on January 30, 2003, at 2:55:06
> You have a good point. I had to quit seeing the psychologist that I was seeing for individual therapy because I couldn't afford him once he made the decision to not accept insurance anymore. His rate was $125.00 per sessionWhen I first started therapy with a psychologist back in 1970 in New York (I was 21 then), the fee was $25 per hour!!. I don't know how anyone can afford triple-digit charges these days, or even a so-called "reduced" rate. $125 sounds absolutely staggering to me. God knows how many millions of people are suffering because they can't afford counselling, not to mention the whole problem of finding the right meds for their depression.
.
> I'm so sorry if I offended you! The question marks were just an expression of my own uncertainty about what you meant in your last post. I didn't realize you made yearly trips out to see your mom anyways.
You didn't offend me. And I apologize if I got you rattled. My depression and/or personality just makes me so super-sensitive and that's part of my overall problem, if you know what I mean.
>
> I'm a mom of two little boys (5 and 7) and I understand the "hysterical" thing. I thought I was a worrier before, but nothing compares to the kind of worry I feel when I'm worrying about my kids. When they're in pain, I feel it too. I'm not sure that changes all that much just because the kids grow up.So now I know a bit more about you. . .as for your saying, "I'm not sure that changes all that much just because the kids grow up," I'll just tell you that I just turned 54 and my Mom is 74 and the maternal worrying never stops. I guess it's the so-called maternal instinct. So much more could be said. We'll stay in touch.
cubbybear
Posted by proud mary on January 30, 2003, at 14:18:38
In reply to Re: In the depths of depression--please help » LyndaK, posted by proud mary on January 29, 2003, at 11:00:19
cubby, are you asian yourself? or do you just work overseas? I am confused. My cousin is american and lives in Cairo, Eygpt and is a teacher in an International school. She's been there for three years now and she's not signing a new contract so she's coming back to the states and will find ANOTHER overseas teaching position (or administrative position). My point is, I don't know your living situation at all (I don't even know if you are married) but maybe you should think about another teaching situation in another country or back here, if possible. There is nothing more important than your health and happiness. I'm sorry you are having such a bad time and that there is so little help available. Like Lynda, I didn't mean to offend you--I just know how vulnerable a person can be when they are depressed and I'd hate to see anyone make you feel like it's YOUR fault, when it isn't. OR that you should be "strong" enough to fight your way out of it.
I don't know if I have much more to offer at this point exept to listen and respond occasionally to let you know I'm listening...and that we ALL care.
Hang in there...Mary
Posted by cubbybear on January 30, 2003, at 23:58:18
In reply to Re: In the depths of depression--please help, posted by proud mary on January 30, 2003, at 14:18:38
Mary,
To answer your questions, I'm not Asian. I was born in New York, then moved to California in '88, relocated and taught in Thailand in '97, returned to the U.S. during the Asian financial crisis in '97 (which triggered a severe depression then as well), then I recovered and returned to Thailand in '99 where I've been living ever since. I am single and live alone.When someone asks me why I am here, or why did I come to Thailand, I have to say that the answers could fill a book. Part of it is highly personal, part is religious/spiritual, part is political (I positively hate living in the U.S.) My ways of thinking and philosophies are very much Eastern or Buddhist oriented. So the last thing I want to do is to return permanently to the U.S. I'm praying that I can get through this horror by hanging on another month, making my annual trip to the U.S. in March, picking up the medication there that I know would help me (MAO Parnate) then returning to teach here again.
Of course, we never know what tomorrow will bring--be it either with the impending war in Iraq or the asinine Thai government (another story), but believe me, having to relocate back to the U.S. would open up a can of worms of perhaps bigger proportions.
Since I'm so badly depressed, it nearly seems like a no-win situation, but if I can just get through this next month, and pick up the Parnate in the U.S. and hang in there till it kicks in, I'm virtually certain that I'll get out of this mess. This is just a little synopsis of my situation.
Posted by LyndaK on January 31, 2003, at 0:28:42
In reply to Re: In the depths of depression--please help » LyndaK, posted by cubbybear on January 30, 2003, at 9:34:17
> When I first started therapy with a psychologist back in 1970 in New York (I was 21 then), the fee was $25 per hour!!. I don't know how anyone can afford triple-digit charges these days, or even a so-called "reduced" rate. $125 sounds absolutely staggering to me. God knows how many millions of people are suffering because they can't afford counselling, not to mention the whole problem of finding the right meds for their depression.I agree. Altruism and the medical establishment just don't seem to go together. Of course, I'm saying that out of ignorance of what liability insurance costs. His fee may be on the high side though. It may still be worth your while to check out fees in the L.A. area.
> You didn't offend me. And I apologize if I got you rattled. My depression and/or personality just makes me so super-sensitive and that's part of my overall problem, if you know what I mean.
I understand. I'm glad no offense was taken.
>I'll just tell you that I just turned 54 and my Mom is 74 and the maternal worrying never stops. I guess it's the so-called maternal instinct.I chuckled out loud! I guess you've confirmed my suspicion about maternal worrying. I'm 40 and my mom's 65 and it's the same deal.
So, I've got 2 curiosity questions for you:
1. What do you teach?
2. What's the meaning/story behind "cubbybear"?Catch ya later.
Lynda
Posted by cubbybear on January 31, 2003, at 0:43:35
In reply to Re: In the depths of depression--please help » LyndaK » cubbybear, posted by LyndaK on January 31, 2003, at 0:28:42
> So, I've got 2 curiosity questions for you:
> 1. What do you teach?
> 2. What's the meaning/story behind "cubbybear"?
>
> 1-I teach English (as a Second Language) to native Thai students and piano to kids, but unfortunately there are very few opportunities here for the latter, which I enjoy more. There are plenty of opportunities to teach English, however.2-a bear cub is small and quite hairy. A former friend or two came up with a nickname like little bear or something like that. I'm only 5 ft. 5-1/2 in.
Ttonight I have my session with my pdoc and no doubt some crucial things will be discussed. Will keep you posted.
cubbybear (Steve)
>
>
>
>
Posted by Dr. Bob on January 31, 2003, at 1:07:27
In reply to Re: In the depths of depression--please help, posted by deli on January 29, 2003, at 17:31:52
> One thing that helped immensely was reading the book The Noonday Demon and I think the author goes by the last name Solomon.
I'd just like to plug the double double quotes feature:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#amazon
But I don't mean to be pushy. Did you deliberately not use it to link to Amazon? If so, I'd be interested in why, over at Psycho-Babble Administration:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20020918/msgs/7717.html
Thanks!
Bob
Posted by proud mary on January 31, 2003, at 9:19:04
In reply to Re: In the depths of depression--please help » proud mary, posted by cubbybear on January 30, 2003, at 23:58:18
Cubby,
Thank you for sharing that information with me, I know it's not necessarily appropriate for me to get into that on a meds message board.
I think the best course for me and even the others is to help you get through this month and just be here to talk to you. You seem to know what you need and maybe us being here to talk to will help you get through each day a little bit better. I do remember those days...they seemed like an eternity. However, just keep taking it one day at a time and we'll be here to keep you going (as much as we can).
I have all the respect in the world for other religions/philosophies/different ways of thinking, so I do understand. My brother lived in Indonesia for many, many years. Oil brought him there initially but it did become his home. He married an indonesian woman and it took my mom telling me one year, at Christmas, that Indonesia WAS his home (when I said something dumb that indicated that he must want to be "home" for christmas) for the light bulb to go off in my head and for me to realize that just because I am such a home-body (Texas, USA, even live in the same house I grew up in!) that not everyone is that way!
My brother is dead now, rather unexpectly, but between him, my cousin in Cairo and my other brother who lives in Angola and really loves it, that I AM the oddball who is so attached to my life/town/ country.
I get afraid that dr. bob is going to redirect me to the psychological babble sometimes because I ramble off and don't talk about meds...
just hope it helps you get through your day to have something to read and know that we are all rooting for you!
:>)
Mary
Posted by cubbybear on January 31, 2003, at 10:42:16
In reply to Re: In the depths of depression--please help » proud mary, posted by proud mary on January 31, 2003, at 9:19:04
This message is for all of you wonderful people who have been so supportive to me on this thread. I just wanted to update all of you on what I've decided to do. Drawing upon part intuition, part experience and just plain survival instinct, I made the decision today to be upfront with my pdoc at our session tonight and say, "I want to stop taking the Aurorix!" So I told him, and he agreed. (It would be a gradual phaseout, of course.)
The fact is: I gave this med a full month trial and I wound up feeling a billion times worse after one month than the way I felt when I started it. I know that some people who are familiar with Aurorix would encourage me to try increasing the dose, but my gut feeling was that something was terribly wrong here--it turned out to be a very bad match--and I have to shift gears into reverse.
As far as my pdoc's reactions were concerned: he fully agreed that the med had failed at regular therapeutic dose. He was not inclined to increase the dose (using the phrase "therapeutic window", which I still don't really understand). He mentioned the option of augmenting the Aurorix with a small amount of Risperdal, but I cringed when I heard the word "anti-psychotic" and want no part of it. . I don't want to start fooling around with these drug "cocktails" that so many people are monkeying around with. Besides, it woud have doubled my costs and I couldn't afford the cost of the Risperdal even if I wanted it.
My pdoc expressed some concern about how my depression will be faring in the coming weeks as I phase out the Aurorix, but all I know is, I've got to get this drug out of my system and go back to square one--which is MAO Parnate, which was my life saver for 18 years. I will hopefully get my trip plans in motion to pick it up in the U.S., hopefully in March. There's a lot more that I can add, but at least I made a decision that will hopefully lead to happines and relief before long.
Posted by LyndaK on February 1, 2003, at 3:29:17
In reply to Re: In the depths of depression--please help » LyndaK, posted by cubbybear on January 31, 2003, at 0:43:35
There must be some sense of relief in your decision to end the Aurorix trial, and a sense of hope in having a definite "next step" in place. Now you just gotta hang in there 'till March. You can do it!
Thanks for anwering my "curious" questions. I'm into music too. I play a few instruments but enjoy playing my Recorder the best. I'm playing a solo in church tomorrow. Guess I better get some sleep!
You sounded more confident in your last post. Hope you're feeling that way too.
Lynda
Posted by cubbybear on February 1, 2003, at 5:05:12
In reply to Your Decision » cubbybear, posted by LyndaK on February 1, 2003, at 3:29:17
> There must be some sense of relief in your decision to end the Aurorix trial, and a sense of hope in having a definite "next step" in place. Now you just gotta hang in there 'till March. You can do it!
You sounded more confident in your last post. Hope you're feeling that way too.
>
Oh, Lynda, I have to tell you no, I know I sounded better last night and for a little while I felt good about having made the decision, but the depression took such a turn for the worse today that I had to tell myself, "put your feet on the floor and get off that bed and do what you have to do." (personal errands) I can barefly do anything; the depression is nearly paralyzing me. I have no appetite in the least, so I have to force myself to eat. I honestly don't know how much longer I can hang on. I could have taken some Xanax to take the edge off it, and my pdoc spelled out the absolute safe limit I could take since I'm already taking Klonopin regularly, (another benzo) so I held off. I was tempted to dash off to the hospital again, but resisted the temptation there too. I know that there's really nothing they can do for me at this point except just let me rest there for a while and take my blood pressure, etc.It's not like getting a wound stitched up or a broken leg put in a cast.
I have never known the pain of severe depression like I do now. I just keep on praying . . . I don't want to wind up being admitted to the hospital or feel suicidal. I can't afford to lose my job at this point. So much is at stake. When I get the Parnate, I'll then have to hang in another 3+ weeks until it kicks in. We're looking at nearly 2 whole months more till I can get some lasting relief. i don't know how I can last that long the way I feel right now. Please stay in touch. Can you handle me posting every day or nearly every day, if I have to? I don't want to become a nuisance to you. (Of course, anyone and everyone who's reading my posts can express some sympathetic words too.)
Posted by LyndaK on February 2, 2003, at 18:23:09
In reply to Re: Your Decision » LyndaK, posted by cubbybear on February 1, 2003, at 5:05:12
<<Please stay in touch. Can you handle me posting every day or nearly every day, if I have to? I don't want to
become a nuisance to you. (Of course, anyone and everyone who's reading my posts can express some sympathetic words too.)>>
Oh Yes Yes Yes! I didn't mean to sound like I was "letting go of your hand"! But I keep wondering if we should be posting over on Psycho Social Babble. Let me know what you think.<<I have never known the pain of severe depression like I do now. I just keep on praying . . . I don't want to wind up being admitted to the
hospital or feel suicidal. I can't afford to lose my job at this point. So much is at stake. When I get the Parnate, I'll then have to hang in
another 3+ weeks until it kicks in. We're looking at nearly 2 whole months more till I can get some lasting relief. i don't know how I can
last that long the way I feel right now.>>You know, the thought has occured to me more than once, I wonder if you should try going back on the Zoloft to get you through this interim period. I know it would end up delaying how soon you could start the Parnate since you would have to let the Zoloft get out of your system before starting the Parnate, but, in your present state, I'm wondering if a whole month with nothing (except benzos, which really don't help depression much) is too long for you. One thing I liked about Zoloft is that I responded fairly rapidly to it. I think it has a shorter half-life than some of the other SSRI's as well, but maybe some of the people on this board would know more about this. (I've heard of "Zoloft Holidays" as a way to address the sexual side-effects. That's what made me think that it depletes from the system fairly rapidly). So the idea is, go back on Zoloft to help you out right now, come back in March to get your Parnate, once you have Parnate IN-HAND start the Zoloft wash out period. What do you think?
Lynda
Posted by cubbybear on February 3, 2003, at 0:30:35
In reply to Another idea. » cubbybear, posted by LyndaK on February 2, 2003, at 18:23:09
>
>But I keep wondering if we should be posting over on Psycho Social Babble. Let me know what you think.I'm not sure. I guess Dr. Bob would let me/us know if he thought so and the subject of meds keeps coming up so I think we could keep our communications here. But if you genuinely would feel more comfortable on the Social Babble, then let me know. I really don't know where they would draw the line.
>
>
> You know, the thought has occured to me more than once, I wonder if you should try going back on the Zoloft to get you through this interim period.
The last I heard from the doctor was that I HAVE to do a tapering of the Aurorix and so long as it is within my system, there's no way I can take any SSRI along with it.I know it would end up delaying how soon you could start the Parnate since you would have to let the Zoloft get out of your system before starting the Parnate, but, in your present state, I'm wondering if a whole month with nothing (except benzos, which really don't help depression much) is too long for you. One thing I liked about Zoloft is that I responded fairly rapidly to it.
So the idea is, go back on Zoloft to help you out right now, come back in March to get your Parnate, once you have Parnate IN-HAND start the Zoloft wash out period. What do you think?
I definitely don't think this is a solution. First, I don't want any more extended delay in starting the Parnate, and it sounds like this would create an enormous delay. Second, my experience with Zoloft was not very good. For one thing, I think it took entirely too long to kick in in the first place. What would that solve? This would surely be prolonging the agony. How I wish there was another solution, but I don't think there is one. Only my doctor could come up with an answer to this quandary. Thanks for your suggestion anyway.
Steve
Posted by LyndaK on February 3, 2003, at 1:50:53
In reply to Re: Another idea. » LyndaK, posted by cubbybear on February 3, 2003, at 0:30:35
> I'm not sure. I guess Dr. Bob would let me/us know if he thought so and the subject of meds keeps coming up so I think we could keep our communications here. But if you genuinely would feel more comfortable on the Social Babble, then let me know. I really don't know where they would draw the line.
> >O.K. Let's just stay here then.
> The last I heard from the doctor was that I HAVE to do a tapering of the Aurorix and so long as it is within my system, there's no way I can take any SSRI along with it.
>I didn't realize you were doing a taper off the Aurorix (though it makes sense).
>
> I definitely don't think this is a solution. First, I don't want any more extended delay in starting the Parnate, and it sounds like this would create an enormous delay. Second, my experience with Zoloft was not very good. For one thing, I think it took entirely too long to kick in in the first place. What would that solve? This would surely be prolonging the agony. How I wish there was another solution, but I don't think there is one. Only my doctor could come up with an answer to this quandary. Thanks for your suggestion anyway.
>I see your point.
I was thinking more about what you said about feeling like going to the hospital even though there's nothing they can really do there. It made me think back to when I was feeling suicidal and would call a friend or go somewhere where I would be around people. It was kind of a survival instinct -- I knew I needed to be around people at that moment in order to be safe, to ensure that I didn't follow through on any suicidal thoughts. I was wondering if your need to go to the hospital was something like that.Lynda
Posted by cubbybear on February 3, 2003, at 2:10:08
In reply to Re: Another idea. » LyndaK, posted by LyndaK on February 3, 2003, at 1:50:53
>
>>
> I was thinking more about what you said about feeling like going to the hospital even though there's nothing they can really do there. It made me think back to when I was feeling suicidal and would call a friend or go somewhere where I would be around people. It was kind of a survival instinct -- I knew I needed to be around people at that moment in order to be safe, to ensure that I didn't follow through on any suicidal thoughts. I was wondering if your need to go to the hospital was something like that.
>
Hi Lynda, you're up very late now aren't you? It's way past midnight where you are? Anyway, I wasn't feeling consciously suicidal, but my natural instinct was/is to go to a hospital or some caring person whom I feel could talk to. You could call it "crying out for help."
Posted by deli on February 3, 2003, at 6:14:38
In reply to Re: In the depths of depression--please help, posted by cubbybear on January 31, 2003, at 10:42:16
Hey Cubby bear;
Sorry I hadn't reply to your post before but I was really busy with school work. So I hear you stopped taking Aurorix. Listen to your instincts. I normally would be the one to suggest my pdoc when I needed to switch.
I know you may not believe it but you sound to be a really strong person. You will beat this beast. I know two months in the depth of depression seem like an eternity but it really goes by fast. Take one day at a time. Pray as much as you can. It just feels you up with hope if only for a few minutes.
Remember how you were feeling before the depression hit. That is how you will be feeling soon. Don't expect to feel better tomorrow. You will be surprised by the little tiny windows of hope you will feel. They don't last very long perhaps a few minutes but take from them as much as you can. This is just a horrible, horrible disease. Don't push yourself into doing too much. Use the benzos to get you through the day. Worry about them later. I felt the same way about taking anti-psychotic medications. For some reason, I would feel worse just because I was taking such strong meds. However, don't shy away from any possibility. Remember that once you are stable you can consider other options. I remember when I was in the midst of my last episode, I was on vacation in San Diego, if you can believe that. My husband was attending a conference while I was suppose to be shopping, reading, sightseeing all day. I planned it for months. I was so excited. A week before the trip I was falling into the dark hole. Nonetheless, I went on the trip any ways. My husband thought it would be better for my kids to not see me like that especially when he was away. I remember waking up and just wishing for nightime, so I could take my meds and sleep. I spent a week sitting by the pool all day long. I couldn't stand being in the room. I remember seeing all the roses in full bloom and thinking what was the big fuss about stupid roses. I hated them. They just kept reminding me how wonderful life was supposed to be. On my way back to Florida, I sobbed in the plane the entire time. People must have thought someone in my family just died and I was going to the funeral. I was angry at life for dealing me this card. I was angry at myself for not taking the meds properly, ( that's how I relapsed) I was angry at my doctor for not preventing this.
Im sorry for the long post. This is the longest I have ever written. Usually mine are pretty short. Keep me posted. I' ll try to check back with you periodically. May the good spirits bless you.
Deli
Posted by japonica on February 4, 2003, at 14:31:09
In reply to Re: In the depths of depression--please help, posted by Theresa Rae on January 25, 2003, at 12:34:06
Just a quick post for those of you who, like Theresa Rae, do not suffer directly from depression. As a lifelong depression sufferer (I'm now 42 and coping very well on Efferor XR)I wish I had more people in my life like you who were willing to stick it out with me. Those of you who help shoulder the pain of depression with their spouses and companions with understanding and compassion are often overlooked and undervalued. I know it's not easy. My depression recently ended my own 20 year marriage. My ex-husband insisted I simply needed to muster more strength and get on with things. Any attempt at improving my situation that included anti-depressant medications was greeted with ridicule. I could not take anymore intentioanlly inflicted torment. I asked him to leave and he did.
Unfortunately, my ex-husband is now suffering from 'situational' depression, is on Paxil, and is apologizing profusely for the pain he added to my plight. Although he WAS unkind, it's difficult to see him in this condition. I would not wish the 'black wave' on anyone.
So...to those of you who stand side-by-side with your stuggling companions, thank you for your kindness and decency. Your actions speak volumes to those who will not understand.Thanks to all who take their time to post on these boards.
japonica
Posted by nhg on February 4, 2003, at 21:51:12
In reply to Re: In the depths of depression--please help, posted by deli on February 3, 2003, at 6:14:38
I can relate to your whole story about San Diego. Sometimes when I think I'm supposed to be happy, that makes me get the saddest. Something like the stupid roses. Some days I am just sad that I'm sad - it sounds so ridiculous. But I'll sit here and think, rationally, my life is alright, but I just can't enjoy it. And I think someday I'll look back on all of the time in my life I wasted on being sad, but I still can't seem to do anything about it - it's frustrating.
And I cried all the way home on a plane once too just because I felt like my life was so hopeless. I felt like an idiot, but I just couldn't stop.
Posted by LyndaK on February 4, 2003, at 22:01:39
In reply to Re: Another idea. » LyndaK, posted by cubbybear on February 3, 2003, at 2:10:08
<<you're up very late now aren't you? It's way past midnight where you are?>>
Yep. Bad habit. But by the time I get the kids to bed, kitchen cleaned up, and some laundry going it's often 10:00 before I even get a chance to sit down at the computer. Sometimes I can grab a moment (like now) at a more reasonable time. :-)
<< Anyway, I wasn't feeling consciously suicidal, but my natural instinct was/is to go to a hospital or some caring person whom I feel could talk to. You could call it "crying out for help."
>O.K. I'm glad you're not feeling suicidal. So now you just gotta get through each day.
I was just thinking back to when my life was like that -- just getting through each day, and fearing that it would be like that forever. But here I am enjoying life again (I still can't believe it sometimes). You too will get through this -- one day at a time -- until you're back to your normal self and able to experience joy again. You've recovered before -- you can recover again.
Keep Posting.
Lynda
Posted by Theresa Rae on February 6, 2003, at 16:57:37
In reply to Re: In the depths of depression--please help » Theresa Rae, posted by japonica on February 4, 2003, at 14:31:09
Living with someone suffering from depression is not easy, it's true. I've done a lot of reading about depression, and have received more than my share of advice from my psychologist (who has helped me through this), my parents, my siblings, friends, and even my oldest son, who is just 11 now.
I have gone through the stages -- wondering if it was me, thinking he was just a jerk, or lazy, or mean. I've been sad myself, angry, numb, the gamut. I have mentally divided up the furniture and household things, and tried to figure out if I could afford to move myself and the kids out. And through it all, I figured that I made an awfully big promise to God, my family and friends, and to my husband. In sickness and in health.
He's been getting help, and has had a few good weeks. To those of you living with the depressed, hang in there, and don't give up. It may be impossible for your loved one to make the initial appointment, to read the book, to see what their live is all about. It's normal to feel angry and sad about the whole situation, but remember, it isn't that person's fault. If your partner had cancer, or diabetes, or was blind, you may feel differently. Because depression often affects a person's behavior (and they might otherwise seem healthy), it's a very difficult illness to live with. You can make it, things can get better (for BOTH of you), and there is light at the end of the tunnel. Don't stop looking for and asking for help until you find it (this goes for everyone).
Stepping down off of soapbox...
Theresa Rae
Posted by LyndaK on February 7, 2003, at 2:56:05
In reply to Re: In the depths of depression--please help, posted by Theresa Rae on February 6, 2003, at 16:57:37
Hi Steve,
I was going to comment that you had become quiet, but then I saw your other posts below. Looks like you got some good feedback/info. from people who've had a similar experience as yours. Sounds like your hunch about the Aurorix making your depression worse may be right on. Seems odd that a drug in the same "family" (MAOI) would produce such opposite results. Hmm.
Keep hanging in there.
Catch ya' later.
Lynda
Posted by cubbybear on February 7, 2003, at 3:34:02
In reply to Cubbybear, posted by LyndaK on February 7, 2003, at 2:56:05
> Hi Steve,
> Sounds like your hunch about the Aurorix making your depression worse may be right on. Seems odd that a drug in the same "family" (MAOI) would produce such opposite results. Hmm.
>
>Hi Lynda,
I'll give you an update on things. First, the Aurorix is technically not an MAOI, it's called a RIMA (reversible inhibitor of monamine oxidase). The MAOIs are *not* "reversible" and are therefore considered to be more potent, have greater side effects (but tolerable for me) and they necessitate diet restrictions. So although Aurorix is definitely not in the same catetgory as the SSRIs (Paxil, Zoloft, etc.) or the tricyclics, it's not quite the same as an MAOI like Parnate or Nardil. That difference probably meant all the difference in the world in screwing up my brain chemistry.I don't recall if I mentioned it, but the worst thing is having to taper off a medication that you've come to regard as poison. I can't stop it cold turkey; I have to phase it down for 2 more weeks before I can stop it. And there's no way of knowing how much relief, if any I'll get when it's out of my system. I'd like to believe that what the other posters have said will apply to me, i.e.they felt better once they stopped it.
And I've been dealt yet another blow of sorts from the outside that has played havoc with my mental state. This concerns employment. It is too complicated a matter for me to discuss on this board, but in a nutshell, all us ESL teachers are wondering if the school will be renewing our contract for the new semester in May.
My current contract expires on Feb. 28, so I'm technically a free bird in March and April. I wasted no time in reserving a flight to Los Angeles for March 2 and will hopefully be in the drug store first thing the next day to pick up the Parnate. Then I'll have to wait 3-4 weeks till it kicks in. I'm due back in Bangkok about March 17 and will have to start searching for work. I can't tell you how terrified I've always been, thinking about being without steady, reliable income. Although teaching jobs are very easy to get here, I'm scared to death.
All I know is, this past week has seen my depression reach levels where I was nearly incapacitated--had to force myself out of bed and put my feet on the floor. Then the anxiety and fear of the future regarding employment hit me.
I was actually considering leaving Thailand for good--but after extremely painful considerations, I decided that going back to stay in the U.S, at this point would probably open up a deadlier can of worms. I'd be faced with the prospect of homelessness and joblessness straight off. This happened to me in an identical scenario in '97. So I came to the painful conclusion that I should return to Bangkok and put my faith in God and the Parnate and the job scene here (based on prior experience), and hopefully this nightmare will be over before long.
If anything gets in the way of my being able to pick up the Parnate in the U.S. I'm sunk. That's the only anti-depressant that has ever been my salvation.
If a few days should elapse when you don't hear from me, understand that I'm basically overwhelmed with the depression as well as trip-planning. But PLEASE feel free to post for me. I check the boards almost daily.
Steve
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