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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by vwoolf on October 20, 2004, at 14:02:25
In reply to Re: how to get to Babblemail, posted by Dr. Bob on October 19, 2004, at 2:37:25
Thanks. I had worked it out, and have been making frequent use of it. This seems to be such a common question, it might be a good idea to put a link from the top of the page? Just a suggestion.
Bestest - VW
Posted by partlycloudy on October 20, 2004, at 14:13:16
In reply to Re: Is everybody hanging in there? » partlycloudy, posted by vwoolf on October 20, 2004, at 13:58:56
I got pretty low there for a bit, and for the first time in my life, did not feel like drinking. Now THAT'S a paradigm shift for me. I'm feeling better overall, tho I'm home with a head cold today. I can tell you that even if this is short-lived, the respite from thinking about that next drink is a huge relief.
I wouldn't worry about being able to stop yet, vwoolf. We all reach our breaking point at some time. Just take care and keep safe.
pc
Posted by partlycloudy on October 22, 2004, at 10:17:33
In reply to Re: Is everybody hanging in there? » vwoolf, posted by partlycloudy on October 20, 2004, at 14:13:16
I guess I found a breaking point - I'm on leave from work because I freaked out yesterday. No drink, can't face it. Don't quite feel like a loser any more, just a sick person.
have a good weekend, vwoolf.
Posted by Allen770 on October 24, 2004, at 9:12:27
In reply to First drink - triggering, posted by vwoolf on October 15, 2004, at 11:28:14
> It's after six pm. I usually have my first drink at about half past seven. I get this really panicky feeling in my stomach, of horrible, unbearable angst, and I know I won't be able to do without it. How can I ever think of doing without it? If I don't have a drink I'll have to SI or do something else to take away the pain. It's with me now, and I don't know what to do. Last night I counted out all the pills in my stash set aside for the extreme solution, but managed to call my T first. I spoke to her again half an hour ago, and she extracted a guarantee from me that I would speak to her first before actually doing anything. But I don't know if I can. If the pain gets too bad and she is out? It's Friday and I won't be seeing her until Monday. Oh God, I need that drink soon.
I can totally "relate." I "came-up" in Toledo, Ohio A.A. 20 yrs ago with old timers and . . . they'd actually say--I've seen & heard them, many time, tagging along on 12 Step calls:
"Here . . . Here! Take the drink! You NEED it!"
And, of course, they always did. They "took" it. They need to.
Then, afterward, after some "coffee & talking" we'd get the "prospect" into a hospital, or at least away and out of his home environment; "People, Places, and Things.".
This can easily be construed as "permission," no doubt (as if alcoholics need "permission," or yet another "excuse" for a binder), but what I'm prepared to say is just this: I believe that it's better to "take a drink" rather than taking one's very own life.
I believe that, and I think that I'd do so, anyday.
--Allen
Posted by vwoolf on October 24, 2004, at 10:44:47
In reply to Re: First drink - triggering » vwoolf, posted by Allen770 on October 24, 2004, at 9:12:27
Hi Allen. Sounds like you know a bit about these feelings. Yes, it is better to take that drink. I wish it weren't necessary, but it just is.
I'm intrigued about your post lower down about Triptophan for dreaming. When I drink I never seem to dream, but have really violent, meaningful dreams that wake me in a cold sweat if I stay off the bottle for a night. Can you tell me more about it.
Posted by saw on October 26, 2004, at 2:05:02
In reply to Re: First drink - triggering, posted by vwoolf on October 24, 2004, at 10:44:47
This was a wonderful support forum started by partlycloudy and I don't want to see the thread die. How is everyone?
I am ok but hurting in a big way because of my love affair with my wine box.
Sabrina
Posted by partlycloudy on October 26, 2004, at 7:06:37
In reply to Everyone still ok?, posted by saw on October 26, 2004, at 2:05:02
First aid for a thread of mine! LOL!
I am having a hard time, too, Sabrina. As good as it feels NOT to drink, the seduction of a glass of wine is unmistakable. I gave in yesterday. What I notice is how lazy it makes me. All my plans go right out the window, and I stop where I am. And go backwards.
Posted by saw on October 26, 2004, at 7:23:18
In reply to Re: Everyone still ok? » saw, posted by partlycloudy on October 26, 2004, at 7:06:37
It's the reverse for me. I get energised and cooking, dishes and housework become more bearable. I have often done housework and drank till about midnight. But that was before I was getting drunk so quickly. Now I just don't remember.
Posted by vwoolf on October 26, 2004, at 8:17:19
In reply to Re: Everyone still ok? » partlycloudy, posted by saw on October 26, 2004, at 7:23:18
Nope. Just drinking more and more. And SIing more and more. Bad times.
Posted by saw on October 26, 2004, at 8:30:00
In reply to Re: Everyone still ok?, posted by vwoolf on October 26, 2004, at 8:17:19
Posted by Allen770 on October 30, 2004, at 7:58:34
In reply to Supporting each other in this forum, posted by partlycloudy on October 14, 2004, at 7:18:58
I'm going into a 25 day--or longer--in-patient rehab this Friday in Phoenix, Arizona. It'll be the first one I've been in since kicking alcohol & heroin in Toledo, Ohio, 1986 (not including various detoxes, hospitals and institutions, that is).
"Oh, my!!!" ("Lions and Tigers and Bears," that is, a hem . . .)
I AM "looking forward to it," but I'm also "scared" at the thought, too. (I mean, I CAN always "walk out," of course.)
I'll be 41 in December. I've lost a LOT. My health is getting bad and . . . I truly feel as if this'll be my//"a" Last Chance . . .
--Allen
Posted by partlycloudy on October 30, 2004, at 9:44:14
In reply to Re: Supporting each other in this forum, posted by Allen770 on October 30, 2004, at 7:58:34
Allen, this is a great thing you're going to do. I've always thought that if I did an inpatient program, that it might "stick" better than my other attempts at staying straight. I wish you success and health.
pc
Posted by vwoolf on October 30, 2004, at 10:00:10
In reply to Re: Supporting each other in this forum, posted by Allen770 on October 30, 2004, at 7:58:34
Allen, that takes such courage! I hope you manage to find some peace there, and the strength to stay and not walk out. I'll be thinking of you a lot. Will you be able to keep in contact?
The loss is huge, I know - maybe there is still much to be gained. But it will take courage. And you seem to have plenty of that. I wish I could say the same for myself.
Warm wishes.
VW
Posted by partlycloudy on October 31, 2004, at 23:06:59
In reply to Re: Supporting each other in this forum » Allen770, posted by vwoolf on October 30, 2004, at 10:00:10
I know how long weekends can become.
Posted by partlycloudy on November 1, 2004, at 15:14:29
In reply to vwoolfe - how are you?, posted by partlycloudy on October 31, 2004, at 23:06:59
yesterday i was working in the kitchen. my husband was enjoying a glass of wine. i became quite upset. how come you get to unwind with a glass of wine and i get to stay cranked up? i want a glass too. he said, um, how old are you again? you can do what you want. so i had a glass. that's all.
until we went to sleep. i couldn't settle down. came down to post things no one wants to read and downed sherry (yuck). woke up today feeling pretty awful. it makes my anxiety so much worse, and now i have a panic attack too. i can't drink like a regular person. i'm not a regular person. i'm a drunk whose medications make it all the worse if i try to drink. the anger i felt at being kept out and not having a chemical way to unwind really cranked me up. what am i doing?
Posted by jujube on November 1, 2004, at 15:53:16
In reply to what was i thinking?, posted by partlycloudy on November 1, 2004, at 15:14:29
I'm sorry you had to go through that. I guess it's the bane of an alcoholic's existance. When it comes to drinking, we are not normal, and that sucks. I go through times when I wish I could be a good, responsible social drinker. Especially when I am out for dinner and everybody else is drinking wine and having after dinner drinks. It's not fair. I guess for me, I remind myself of what my days and nights were like when I was actively drinking, and realize that, although alcohol does take the edge off and helps me let loose, the after effects are just not worth it anymore.
On a more personal note, and I apologize in advance if I am crossing a line here, but I think your husband needs to better understand alcholism. Yes, you are an adult and capable of making well-informed decisions. However, when it comes to alcohol, it doesn't matter how smart and capable an alcoholic is, one drink will never be enough.
Don't beat yourself up Partlycloudy. I think that once you stop being hard on yourself, you will be able to eventually be more comfortable with sobriety and attaining it. It's a one day at a time thing. And, it has to be because really when it comes down it that's all any of us (alcoholic or not) have. Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring. So, enjoy the blessings of each day and praise the good, caring, open and creative person you are, sober or not.
Take good care.
Tamara
> yesterday i was working in the kitchen. my husband was enjoying a glass of wine. i became quite upset. how come you get to unwind with a glass of wine and i get to stay cranked up? i want a glass too. he said, um, how old are you again? you can do what you want. so i had a glass. that's all.
> until we went to sleep. i couldn't settle down. came down to post things no one wants to read and downed sherry (yuck). woke up today feeling pretty awful. it makes my anxiety so much worse, and now i have a panic attack too. i can't drink like a regular person. i'm not a regular person. i'm a drunk whose medications make it all the worse if i try to drink. the anger i felt at being kept out and not having a chemical way to unwind really cranked me up. what am i doing?
Posted by Allen770 on November 1, 2004, at 16:09:18
In reply to Re: Supporting each other in this forum » Allen770, posted by vwoolf on October 30, 2004, at 10:00:10
"Will you be able to keep in contact?"
(A) Not for "a while" (I'll get a "pass" after a few weeks, I assume.
Thx for the inspiring comments and thoughts, "you two" (i.e., vwoolf & PartlyCloudy); everyone.
I appreciate it.
Posted by jujube on November 1, 2004, at 17:22:04
In reply to Re: Supporting each other in this forum, posted by Allen770 on October 30, 2004, at 7:58:34
Allen,
I wish you all the best in your treatment program. I hope it proves beneficial to you. Be good to yourself.
Tamara
>
I'm going into a 25 day--or longer--in-patient rehab this Friday in Phoenix, Arizona. It'll be the first one I've been in since kicking alcohol & heroin in Toledo, Ohio, 1986 (not including various detoxes, hospitals and institutions, that is).
>
> "Oh, my!!!" ("Lions and Tigers and Bears," that is, a hem . . .)
>
> I AM "looking forward to it," but I'm also "scared" at the thought, too. (I mean, I CAN always "walk out," of course.)
>
> I'll be 41 in December. I've lost a LOT. My health is getting bad and . . . I truly feel as if this'll be my//"a" Last Chance . . .
>
> --Allen
Posted by antigua on November 1, 2004, at 18:29:23
In reply to what was i thinking?, posted by partlycloudy on November 1, 2004, at 15:14:29
I've done that several times. Why not? my mind says and I used to go against my better wishes, especially if my husband was drinking in front of me. But I have trouble once I start, you seemed to get through it fine so don't be hard on yourself. I KNOW I can't drink but that doesn't stop me from wanting to, or rationalizing why it would be o.k.
For me, it's all part of the process. By the time I get through all the "what if" scenarios of what triggers me to drink, and I learn my lesson, I may not be around to enjoy it!
Hang in there,
antigua
Posted by saw on November 2, 2004, at 2:29:03
In reply to what was i thinking?, posted by partlycloudy on November 1, 2004, at 15:14:29
I can so understand being cranky. I get enormously irritable at the fact that my husband can have a couple of drinks a night, stay completely sober and effortlessy switch to water. Once I have had that first glass, there is just no way I can stop.
Sherry? My very first (bad) alcohol experience when I was 15. It was the cheapest, grossest stuff called Ship Sherry (Skippies). (Vwoolf - you may know about this stuff). Ugh, have never touched it again. That, and Sambuca or Ouzo (sp?). Maybe I should buy these things and keep them in the house. I know I won't drink them. Or do I?
No, you're not a regular person. You're a special person with special problems and you are being so hard on yourself. This is just a tiny, tiny hiccup in your amazing achievement so far. I am sorry it made you feel awful though. If I had more hangovers, I might drink a little less.
Hope you're feeling a bit better today.
Me
Posted by vwoolf on November 2, 2004, at 3:05:06
In reply to Re: what was i thinking? » partlycloudy, posted by saw on November 2, 2004, at 2:29:03
I have exactly the same problem with my husband - he insists that he must have wine with his meal every night. I have tried to explain to him that it causes me great anxiety, and that I have a problem with drinking. That we really shouldn't have it there on a daily basis. But, you see, he just doesn't notice. I am so controlled even when I have had a lot of wine that he isn't aware of just how drunk I am. I often wonder just who he has married, because it isn't me.
And SAW, my first drunk was also on that awful sweet sherry - mine was Old Brown, on a crazy, hippy trip to Lesotho many years ago. How to be completely drunk while riding through the mountains on a Basotho pony in search of a mythical waterfall. I've never been able to touch the stuff since. I don't drink any spirits either. But wine.......
Posted by vwoolf on November 2, 2004, at 3:15:33
In reply to vwoolfe - how are you?, posted by partlycloudy on October 31, 2004, at 23:06:59
Thanks for thinking of me, PartlyCloudy. Sort of on a wobble course at the moment. I go from moments of being very self-assertive and direct, to being angry and suicidal, to being pathetic and wanting protection, to being self caring - which leads back to being self assertive etc and the whole cycle repeats itself. On and on, several times in a weekend. And every morning I conclude that I won't drink again, and every evening I go overboard.
My weekend - well it was ok, although nothing really spectacular happened. Went to see a movie, walked on Table Mountain, went to the beach and swam for the first time this season, read, quarrelled with my husband. Usual stuff. How are you keeping? Are you feeling more rested?
Posted by saw on November 2, 2004, at 3:18:04
In reply to Re: what was i thinking?, posted by vwoolf on November 2, 2004, at 3:05:06
Old Brown. Another Yuk. The only spirit I drink is vodka with lemon juice and sparkling mineral water. Have not acquired a taste for the others. But, please DO NOT put a bottle of Cape Velvet or something like that in front of me. I will demolish it!
My husband doesn't think I have a problem either. And like you, I tend to be fairly controlled when drunk. My problem is the memory loss and the fact that I become vengeful, spiteful and filled with rage when drunk.
S
Posted by partlycloudy on November 2, 2004, at 4:58:03
In reply to Re: vwoolfe - how are you? » partlycloudy, posted by vwoolf on November 2, 2004, at 3:15:33
I think I'm doing OK. I go from having a good day, to a not so good day, to an awful day, then back to good. I am noticing that I'm much more sensitive to caffeine than I first thought. I'd switched to half full test and half decaf, but even 2 cups of that gets me so agitated I can't sit still.
I'm starting to read a book that Allen770 recommended, "Seven Steps to Sobriety" that focuses on the chemical and nutritional imbalances of alcoholics. I just started reading it and so far it makes an awful lot of sense to me. I might have a future yet.thanks for asking.
pc
Posted by partlycloudy on November 3, 2004, at 20:54:27
In reply to Supporting each other in this forum, posted by partlycloudy on October 14, 2004, at 7:18:58
i want oblivion so badly right now but don't have the wits to sneak a drink, plus i know it puts me in a worse place than when i started. my emotions are under a magnifying glass. sadder than if my cat had died. angrier than if my home had been broken into. thoughts racing so quickly my breath comes quicker when i lie down to sleep. once i stop my body in motion, my mind goes into high gear and i just want it to stop, please. and to think this morning i felt peace as i looked at the waves lapping the shore on a beautiful beach. why can't i let things be? why do i have to churn my every emotion into such a frenzy that i can't stop crying? i think i have finally run out of tears for today.
this is why i drink. but not tonight. tonight i will type and post and make my eyeballs so sore they will be jumping out of my face.
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