![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 333 to 357 of 495. Go back in thread:
Posted by alexandra_k on November 19, 2014, at 22:05:56
In reply to Re: balance » alexandra_k, posted by Twinleaf on November 19, 2014, at 18:07:40
Hi. Yeah... Sometimes I am my own worst enemy, I know.
I could be wrong... But I think posting helps. Helps me to articulate it instead of it going round and round. Then I can look back on it from a more objective position. Sometimes I see how to recast it.
I don't know. Maybe I should post less and do something different to shift my focus / get it out of my head. I don't know.
I know I often read back and cringe, rather, at the way I view things. There is a reason I try not to take it to my interpersonal relationships IRL.
Later year medical students... Say that they remember the overlapping year one as being really very stressful. Because at this stage all you know is that it is really really really really really unlikely that you will get a place. Around 1,300 students trying to get what can only be around 70 places reserved for people from first year who aren't rural or part of a targeted minority ethnic group. Only around 1/2 of the 1,300 are serious... But even then.
The students say that while they do have to work hard later, once they are in medicine... While they miss not having breaks etc... It is easier in the sense that you know the program is invested in you passing. The program has invested in you. This first year (my next year) is hard precisely because it is most likely that the program won't choose you.
I know that it is a completely pointless waste of my time and energy to get upset about various things... That it is only useful for me to worry about factors that are within my power to change. That it is only useful for me to worry about them insofar as it motivates me to do what is necessary to change them.
I know I'm grasping at straws with this whole 'trying to figure the trick' thing... It is because I'm feeling a little desperate that certain things are random or that I'm unable to grasp whatever it is that you are supposed to which means that things seem random to me even when they aren't...
I am actually fairly sure that they view it as a kindness that the distribution is decided by the first test. That way it frees up the 700 or so not particularly serious ones to go join their clubs and make the most of their social opportunities / go find their future husbands / wives... I don't think they see it as unfairly advantaging those who come in well prepared / not giving those who are less prepared much of a chance to catch up... I've just been having a conversation with the accommodation people about how it would be nice to have a quiet / silent floor option for students who are keen to do that. They don't seem to realize that some people refuel from being alone and that they might well have lots of students who collapse into stress-balls during the first batch of tests (where things are decided week 3 / 4) because they are absolutely exhausted from the social pressure to get out there! get in there! join clubs! go to concerts! go out drinking with your fellow floor mates! do every f*ck*ng social activity you can and then 5 more! during the (dis) orientation that they do through weeks one and two...
Anyway... I have decided to draw more pictures instead of focusing on lists. Because it is something that I can do... And because it is the only thing I can think of to do in response to having done crap in that Biology class. I mean, aside from 'don't take comparative animal biology if you don't want to learn about invertebrates, bugs, worms, fishes, dinosaurs, amphibians, birds, or bats'. It was either that or plant biology, you see, because I had to save the course I really wanted to do (cellular and human development and then anatomy and physiology) for next year.
Posted by alexandra_k on November 20, 2014, at 19:28:42
In reply to Re: balance, posted by alexandra_k on November 19, 2014, at 22:05:56
thanks for posting to me, by the way. i felt bad about jumping over you before. i was stressed and defensive. i know you mean well and i do appreciate your following along :)
it is probably more than 70 places that go to first years... i looked into things a bit more and they are actually very vague about their targeted rural admission scheme... it is looking a lot more like they don't actually have one... aka: there don't seem to be a specified number of places set aside for that but they will 'take it into account' for the interview. if you... i don't know... stand too far back from your interviewers perhaps lmfao.
i had a chat to one of my dear old friends last night... it put me in a lot better mood. i really have been bummed out about my biology grade...
everyone is freaking out right now because of grades coming back / admissions next year. people really have started freaking out about next year already. i really am not the only one.
i have emailed them about the average requirement... and now i can't find that webpage that had the average requirement... but i realized that the B average thing would most likely be across all your study (thus across my Masters and Honours and previous Undergrad degree) rather than just the previous year. And that, basically, the idea was more to take good students rather than picking up the science students who decided they didn't want to work so hard, or whatever. So... I feel a bit more relaxed. I am sure it will be okay. Almost certain.
Besides which... I don't know... I really don't know... But it is possible that I will come out with a B for physics and the same or better for law. So... Relax Alex... I have been reading some economics of healthcare stuff and surprisingly... It is actually fairly interesting. Infuriating at times... But actually some really interesting stuff on the structure of the health system / of health systems. Looking at different aspects... It IS hard. Yeah.
Posted by alexandra_k on November 20, 2014, at 21:06:08
In reply to Re: balance, posted by alexandra_k on November 20, 2014, at 19:28:42
got an offer for Health Science next year - before my other grades came back.
PHEW PHEW PHEW.
omfg that was so stressful
Posted by Twinleaf on November 20, 2014, at 21:55:32
In reply to Re: balance, posted by alexandra_k on November 20, 2014, at 21:06:08
WONDERFUL!
Posted by alexandra_k on November 21, 2014, at 1:40:30
In reply to Re: balance » alexandra_k, posted by Twinleaf on November 20, 2014, at 21:55:32
to first year, to be clear. to have the opportunity to compete for a transfer in place to second year along with the 1,300 or so others.
but still. i would have been pretty pissy to have gotten declined from the opportunity to try.
next year curriculum is MUCH more interesting to me. i've started on it already :)
Posted by alexandra_k on November 21, 2014, at 1:41:42
In reply to Re: balance, posted by alexandra_k on November 21, 2014, at 1:40:30
and because i accepted my place quick-smart i got the best possible lab times.
Posted by alexandra_k on November 22, 2014, at 20:31:33
In reply to Re: balance, posted by alexandra_k on November 21, 2014, at 1:41:42
actually... you know... i think something weird happened with my biology grade...
i got 5/5 for this online nonsense. and then i got 18.17/20 for labs. the only problem with that is pretty much everyone picked up those marks, so it doesn't settle a distribution (just means that some kids can be failed because if they didn't even do those components of the course...)
then i got 21.96/35 for the first test. which was a very bad grade, i thought. i was unhappy. but then, i hadn't read the book and i hadn't studied particularly much (it was before the study break), and i didn't know we were going to be asked to draw pictures...
so i went in to the exam with 45.13/60 possible marks... which is looking like an A- (75%)...
i did prepare for the exam. not massively... but reasonably... i did quite a bit... and i worked through past years... and i thought i had done quite well on the exam... not amazingly... but quite well...
was thinking I would come out with a B+ or an A-.
To have come out with a B... Means I only just passed the exam. That... That really doesn't sound right. I am certain I did a lot better than that.
Unless they scaled the living crap out of them. So the grading distribution was set by performance on the first test, since everyone picked up comparable marks for the other internally assessed components (except possibly the lowest quarter).
I still know a bunch of kids who wouldn't have done any preparation and who wouldn't have worked through past years exams and who didn't have a copy of the textbook... Did they all get C's??? WTF??? This seems super-weird to me.
I've sent a query... To inquire about whether the scaled the crap out of the exam... I don't know whether they are allowed to say anything... Only official channel is paying a lot of money for a recount. You don't even get that money back if they f*ck*d it up.
I have requested my exam script.. But that takes months (won't come back until after grades are finalised, fairly sure). I had forgotten all the closing of ranks / *ss covering you get working for the man...
Posted by alexandra_k on November 22, 2014, at 20:52:16
In reply to Re: balance, posted by alexandra_k on November 22, 2014, at 20:31:33
we don't have blind grading, you see. we are supposed to write our names clearly on every page of our exam... i'm surprised they don't get us to write our high school, too. still, that information is freely available on our student page that they can easily access with our name and student id...
and we got an email before grades came out about how so and so was nominated for a teaching award and what did we have to say about that?
(and i actually thought that i was very careful... and diplomatic... and also kind. that was what i was going for. he should get the popular vote. that is clearly what he is going for. appeal to the masses... be a bit entertaining. he is a warm and friendly guy and the people seem to like him. wonderful).
and people are hating on me already because they think i don't have proper respect for biology. they are tired of how people go on about chemistry as being the hard one. they want to be the hard one. they want to pass 2x the number of people that chemistry do... but they are pissed off that everyone doesn't respect them for being the hard one.
sigh.
tech again.
thank god... none of this matters in the bigger scheme of things.
into the program i want to be in next year. done and dusted. none of this matters... even if law lady is pissy that i don't want to be a lawyer (name and id on every page) done and dusted. at this point it is time to move on...
the crabs will do their thing...
Posted by alexandra_k on November 22, 2014, at 20:57:59
In reply to Re: balance, posted by alexandra_k on November 22, 2014, at 20:52:16
i suppose it is possible... but fairly improbable. i was sitting around the class average for my performance on the first test. and the class average is what? a B? probably. that is why i thought my exam performance would have bumped me up.
there would have been a bunch of kids who didn't prepare by working through past years exams. i would be surprised if more than 1/4 of them worked through past years exams...
and i do know neuroscience... and very abstract evolutionary stuff...
1/2 the kids can't remember to bring their rulers to labs...
this really doesn't make a great deal of sense.
Posted by alexandra_k on November 23, 2014, at 14:29:40
In reply to Re: balance, posted by alexandra_k on November 22, 2014, at 20:57:59
Sorry about that. Not such a helpful way to see it.
The thing is... On the one hand... I would be happy to just put it behind me. Thank god I don't have to play with them for the next few years. But on the other hand... I don't want to pass up a learning opportunity... If there is something to be learned...
I mean... I did really rather badly. And I need to do a lot better for next year... So... What went wrong? It is really throwing me because I didn't think I had done that badly, I thought I had done really rather well on the exam. The second chemistry test... The second physics test... I knew I had done badly on them. No surprises. I knew that I didn't know how to do x and y and z. I lost marks for x and y and z. No surprises. Doing better at chemistry and physics in future is about being able to do practice problems before hand... It is about... practice. A little bit each day... Over a longer period of time than I had to prepare.
Only twice before in my life have I felt so... Confused about things. For a course at tech. 'Methods of Training'. It felt like they threw the exams down the stairs. Actually, no, a little more strategic. It felt like they purposely picked a few kids who would get to do well at it to give them a confidence boost / to give them some kudos or something like that. Because there wasn't a clear content for the course, you see. Or a marking guide, most probably. The other course was 'introduction to teaching and the curriculum' where everybody got an A-. because.... everyone is worth just as much as everyone else, didn't you know? (That is the future of teaching in this country, right there).
So...
I did have this... Kerfuffle? with the first year co-ordinator at the start of the year... About having access to powerpoint notes BEFORE class. And I was told that they had just changed their policy on with holding them... So they would be available before lecture.
And talking about the laboratory thing... And she suggested that maybe I just wasn't any good at laboratory (because of how I did badly on my chemistry labs). And I was calm about that... And said that maybe I wasn't any good at laboratory... But that that wasn't the problem (even if true) the problem was more that I was being prevented from learning in chemistry laboratory because the environment wasn't conducive to my functioning given certain things about it resulting in my having sensory meltdown...
And then she somehow got it into her head that I thought she was an idiot... Because in responding to her above objection (to my having laboratory accommodations) I said 'oh, the 'maybe you are just stupid objection'. and at that point she got it into her head that I was calling her stupid. And she was like 'WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME!!!' and I was like 'I was naming your objection' (you know, like how you label the logical fallacy, the ecological fallacy and so on and so forth) and she couldn't hear what I was saying..
Because... Uh... Because... Well, because she struggled a lot in her studies. If she did studies. One can only suppose...
I don't know what is up where they think that it is good for kids to have teachers who struggle. You know... If you want to help struggling kids... Kids who struggle in biology... Then give them teachers who struggle in biology. Give them teachers who can't get their transcription and translation straight... Teachers who can't distinguish their cromatin from their chromosome from their chromatid. That will help the kids most-est. Then when they get to university... Give them the lecturers just like that, too...
When the world doesn't make any sense... You can't help other people see sense in it... I feel like that sometimes (very rarely, thankfully). There are some questions... GOOD questions... That distinguish. That are fair. That question where the answer is to be found on the 4th powerpoint of lecture 9. Second point on a slide with 4 points and one simple diagram. Obscure... But there. Or a synthetic question... Logical deduction. That works, too.
But if you can't be taught to see what is going on in the above... If nobody points out to you 'there is the answer, that was how you were expected to know that'. Then I suppose things seem... Random. You think that the teacher just pulls questions out of their *ss and it isn't stuff that is taught. And you inflict those sorts of questions onto your students. And your tests don't discriminate those who learned the content that you taught them (haha) from those who didn't... Those who put in the time from those who didn't. Those who have the ability to learn information that might be required (in a job, too) and those who don't...
And if you didn't spend however many years actually studying your *ss off from textbooks and powerpoint slided... Then you don't get much of an idea of how much content is reasonable... Or of how to present that content as simply as you can in order to extract the most content out of your students at the end of the day...
Instead you employ little tricks... Like asking the exact same questions for several exams in a row so that the unknowing observer / external moderator thinks that you had a high level content for the course... But really... You just gave them not much to memorise / taught to the exam rather than the exam being a random sample of their greater knowledge.
I can just imagine... People sitting somewhere... THinking that somehow I got 'taught a lesson'. What did I get taught? Useful stuff on how to study better? Or that 'I can't be good at everything'. I suspect... The latter. I suspect there is supposed to be some kind of lesson for me like that... You have to share your moment of glory (getting good grades) it isn't fair to hog the limelight. Because it is about that, you see. The Kudos. Like wanting to use the women's bar ONLY because someone else really wants to use it therefore it must be valuable...
I did make it clear at the start... About how I was having trouble following lectures because people were whispering all the way through them... Instead of telling people 'only rule in my classroom is that you don't disturb others learning - shut up or get out' they were all 'come to class come to class come to class'. People come to class hacking up phlem over all the other students... but that's okay at least they came to class so the lecturer gets to feel popular... That's what it's about - right?
And so we have diagrams in this book that aren't labelled... And we are supposed to label them from the lecture... Which isn't recorded... So you cant' really listen to the lecture because you are trying to put the labels on your diagram. Because you get one shot in putting the labels on the diagram because otherwise why would people come to class? And if people don't come to class then the lecturer doesn't get to feel popular.
So... Just getting the content that you needed to learn was a f*ck*ng mission. I mean... Give a person the diagram... Go through it.. I'd say 5 minutes... Over 4 days... And you'd have it down. But no, we must devote a good chunk of class time to it. And then if we weren't sure if that was the right label since where the line is pointing to is ambiguous... Or whatever... The diagram isn't a 'standard diagram'. It isn't in our text or whatever.
Anyway.... I was assured that lecture notes would go up (to save me from this nonsense). Only they didn't. And lecture recordings didn't go up either. I think... They don't want people to see their contents.. Because they might feel somewhat embarrassed.
It is just... Extremes... One guy who writes a textbook of a lab manual. Very nicely done, actually. But then his powerpoint notes are really crucial for carving out a manageable chunk. For focusing on what aspects he considers important. He wont' provide that.
It just seems random... As random as things would seem if I floated along from class to class doing NO WORK outside of class AT ALL. I think... that is how it is supposed to seem. I mean.. People are all equal, didn't you know? And what, you think you are better than other people (deserve better grades) for working harder? for working smarter? Confound those things and then what's she got? Lets teach her a lesson...
?
Posted by alexandra_k on November 23, 2014, at 15:10:05
In reply to Re: balance, posted by alexandra_k on November 23, 2014, at 14:29:40
I know that I will be given increasingly fewer powerpoints over the years in something like medicine...
I mean... Philosophers don't typically use powerpoints. I used to be an English major ffs...
But when you have a lot of factoids to cram... You need clear presentation of those factoids so that you can put your energy and attention to getting them into your brain instead of scrambling about trying to find the information that it is that you are supposed to learn... Especially when you are just starting out... I understand that content gets trickier once you get to graduate school... But I simply don't see why people want to try and teach first year like it is graduate school. There is so much... 'Standard content' to cram in there...
We don't have STEP exams... But it seems that we do have a major exam near the end... That must be passed... And you sit that exam every year. But they don't expect you to pass it until the end. But you are encouraged to see where you sit amongst people in your year. Anyway... That is what it is about. The teaching... Setting up your clinical skills (so hopefully you can be somewhat impressive on your placements and get a job in that area one day) and getting you passing that exam.
And some lecturers are more or less scrambled than others. But there is clear textbook content that must be learned. And a few different texts that cover the same / similar content, even. So you have room to find whichever works for you. People say that some lecturers.. Their powerpoint notes are good enough. FOr other lecturers... You need to get a good text because the powerpoints are non-existent or too bare bones or whatever.
But still... The crucial thing... Is still that the lecturers (I'm presuming) are the ones who did well... Who have an understanding of what doing well requires...
Less random. I think that is my point...
I think... Biology (first year level, anyway) is a big money earner for... Biology. I suppose. So they have this building... Where the lecturers are kept... So you can't even get to them for office hours as an undergrad because you don't have building access. That's where things have got to... Then you have a first year co-ordinator in a HUGE office... with all these books... That look unread probably for obvious reason. And she's the 'face' who does all the aministration beurocracy stuff that most people don't want a bar of. You go crying to her when you didn't get to your lab because your cat peed on your prelab that morning etc etc etc... And the Tuakana extra help tutorial people... Who give out free pizza... So that Maaori and Pacific Island students come to class... I mean... My friend from last semester went to the extra help chemistry ones... She said they were really helpful... She said that she 'didn't learn that way' when it came to drawing as preparation for drawing a face centered cubic packing cell... I don't know what they do when it comes to study... But they are there... Equity etc...
Anyway... Everyone wants to be a marine biologist...
They did talk about introducing a lottery for medical school entry. There was resistance to that. Nobody likes to think that there is a lottery component. Even those who don't get in...
Anyway... Wouldn't it be fun to swim with the dolphins all day? And you don't have to write essays in biology... Or do many equations...
Anyway...
I'll take a look at my exam script when it comes back to me... And then move on.
Since they aren't interested in using tests (for example) as learning opportunities (to explain to people where they went wrong to help them improve)... As you would do if there were ryme and / or reason and you wanted to ensure that motivated people were given opportunity...
...
Wouldn't you?
?
Or you could not distribute answers... I mean, most people won't even bother to collect their tests... Nobody will query their grade / want answers explained to them...
Then you can re-use the questions the following year.
That's a better system - right?
Posted by alexandra_k on November 23, 2014, at 15:38:26
In reply to Re: balance, posted by alexandra_k on November 23, 2014, at 15:10:05
it is the lack of model answers / explanation. that's what's hard.
i mean...
the UMAT people... provide model answers. and explanations. so you learn how to reason the way they do. chemistry does that, too. and physics. at least a little bit of the time. reasons through whatever it is that they are teaching you do do... and so... if you are being tested on lecture notes / powerpoint slides / textbook readings / lecture presentations... they should be able to draw your attention to where it occurred on the lecture notes / powerpoint slides / textbook readings / lecture presentations...
so you can go - 'oh. i see i should have learned that. but i didn't. fair question. i will be more careful in my study next time'.
i think i should just move on.
i did quite well at tech... i mean, i know that the distribution is different there because you get more kids who don't study / can't read etc... though, actually, i'm starting to see that that isn't necessarily true... but objectively... with respect to getting the answers that should have been got. and ditto psychology over the years. so... i suppose i should just put this behind me.
think of it as the last vestige of tech, or whatever. i suppose it is, really. i suppose they do think of the class that way.
Posted by alexandra_k on November 23, 2014, at 18:41:39
In reply to Re: balance, posted by alexandra_k on November 23, 2014, at 15:38:26
spew spew spew. i feel better now.
they weren't scaled... so... i'll take a look at the exam... see where i lost those marks.
i suspect it largely is because i wasn't that into the subject matter. i suppose i forget how much study i do for courses when i'm more interested. i mean... thinking about how many hours i've spent on biology for next year already... how well i can recall the lab manual for the class next year and i haven't even had those lectures yet... remembering back to lectures from animal biology... not to much.
and i probably am massively underestimating the fact that some of those kids really really really really really really really DO want to be marine biologists. to swim with dolphins, yeah, but some of them are also interested in plankton and... stuff... those weird mammals that have 3 vaginas...
i went to a pilates class. and it was good. and i feel... positive... and happy...
Posted by alexandra_k on November 23, 2014, at 20:01:48
In reply to Re: balance, posted by alexandra_k on November 23, 2014, at 18:41:39
so, apparently people who aren't depressed have an over-inflated view of themself. i wonder if people who succeed academically have an over-inflated view of themself, too? if that is part of the story as to why some people don't wallow in a little pit of (realistic) despair at various points in their life?
?
?
Posted by alexandra_k on November 25, 2014, at 13:18:27
In reply to Re: balance, posted by alexandra_k on November 23, 2014, at 20:01:48
Someone recommended it, and I know I've enjoyed some of their videos that I've found searching from Google, but I never looked into the site properly before...
They have a LOT of content. Cell biology and physics and chemistry and organic chemistry... I really enjoy Sal's videos a lot... He anticipates questions that I have along the way and I like how he repeats himself to consolidate content along the way... And he tends to read my mind when he is like 'here are some things people often find confusing' or 'here is something that people don't often get' or whatever... The other people are pretty great, too. There is an anatomy and physiology section and the chick doing the videos on bones draws and writes AMAZINGLY fast. I mean... blindingly fast. I've never seen anything like it... Maybe she is speeding up those sections of her videos? Anyway, whatever, super cool.
The maths has this little 'ding' noise that it makes. YEAH! And it adjusts the content depending on whether I get them right or wrong... And there are videos to teach me how when I don't know. Which was the main problem I was having with IXL...
I think... Little videos like this... Are better than textbooks. When you are just starting out, anyway. I was getting a bit bogged down in the textbook with meiosis and mitosis etc... The videos were great for getting the outline of the entire process. Details can be filled in later.
I think I will practice maths from there... IXL... Required a LOT to get mastery on particular skills... And... I was getting worried that they presented certain problems all together in a clump... So you learned how to do that particular style of problem... But you didn't get practice at picking out what strategy you needed to use from a bunch of them. Because they kept the different styles of problems clumped together. And, for me, half the battle (in real life tests and exams) is identifying the type of problem it is in the first place (so what I actually need to do to solve it).
Anyway...
It is summer. I have 3 months of freedom where I can do whatever I want. I need to enjoy it. The biggest battle for me next year... Is to not implode. Basically. Tis as simple as that. Well, it isn't... But it is necessary even if not sufficient. Focus on... Enjoying the journey. This was what I wanted... To be learning science... And I am. So. So there.
Posted by alexandra_k on November 26, 2014, at 16:44:18
In reply to Re: kahn academy, posted by alexandra_k on November 25, 2014, at 13:18:27
Summer is getting a bit much for me, with its completely unstructured time, already. Because I don't have a bunch of friends, I suppose. Because... I don't want to smoke pot or cigarettes... Spend my time trying to get hold of other drugs... Drink... And I suppose the truth of it is that I don't really know how to interact with people otherwise. Don't really know how to interact with people whose lives aren't organized around such things. Other people are thicker skinned... They have this whole jostly thing they do of seeing what they can get away with / how far they can push people, or whatever. I'm too thin skinned for that. And I don't see why you would want to be friends with people like that. People who would try and exploit others etc if they can get away with it...
Of course I realise that there is more going on behind it than that. That it is a way of learning who is able to (reasonably) defend themself, who is likely to fly off the handle, and so on... But I find all of that so terribly stressful... Too much. I'd rather be by myself.
I get lonely around this time of year. Because around this time of year everyone else is socially focused, I guess. It is summer... And I always feel vulnerable at this time of year... Feel exposed with all the light and with needing to wear less layers of clothing... And people going on about having fun and hanging out... And I don't have any friends to hang out with, basically. And I feel like I don't know how to hang out with people anymore. If I ever did. Without smoking / drinking.
That's pretty terrible, huh.
Sometimes... I think that I only really got dx'd with the Asperger's thing to help get me out of where I was living before (so I can live more independently). That that was what it was about, really. I definately need to be living more independently... But think that that was all it was about, really.
Othertimes... I think that maybe there is more to it. That I'm... Not really expected to ever have a proper job, or whatever. I think that maybe.. Maybe I am incapable of it, really.
I keep thinking 'I didn't really know what it meant to start over'... How before people expressed... Something a little like horror... Definite surprise about my wanting to start over... But now I'm thinking that they probably don't know what it means, either. Because it is impossible to know, really.
It involves a lot of feeling dumb. Really out of ones depth. And I guess something that people have been trying to say to me... Usually people go to university to do something that they already know they are reasonably good at. Though of course that isn't true with things like sociology and psychology and I guess you take your chances with trying out subjects like those, a little bit... But Science / Maths is quite different... And perhaps the very verbal subjects (like law) are a bit, too. Feels... Like there is something more like a very definite and somewhat fixed body of knowledge that they are trying to get down you... And I really started out not knowing any of it... I mean... I remember being surprised to learn about phase changes vs chemical changes around March... Thinking of the difference between melting and mixing... It had never occurred to me before... And nobody had taught me...
I suppose putting things that way, I have come rather a long way. But, on the other hand, a long way to go.
To f*ck knows where.
I think the largest part of what is hard... Is not knowing whether I'm seriously delusional about med... Or quite what. I really don't know. I think that is the hardest. But then... Suppose I got a place. Then the hardest thing would be wondering whether I could do it or not. ONly... At least I would know that govt people / admissions people believed I could. Because they wouldn't have invested in me, otherwise. Right now... Where things are at now... I can't tell if people have any kind of faith in me at all... Or whether where I am now... Really does just represent a kind of... Giving up of hope.
I guess... They wouldn't have let me get a student loan to study more if they had totally given up... There is that. I do worry a bit that my grades aren't good enough... But I guess B's are okay... Especially for my first year doing science, ever. Still don't know about physics or law... Can take up to 20 days after the final day in the exam period to get grades back, they reckon... I had forgotten just how much time they tend to take... Anyway...
I will go to summer school for something to do... An organising principle. I need to write myself out little goals of things I want to learn. So I can take pride in crossing them off... And because things like the UMAT seem to lurk as a murky haze that I'm vaguely terrified of... Need to carve them up. Make them manageable.
I'll be okay. It will only get easier. If I don't get into med I can always do Bio-Med or Physiology (depending on how my physics goes). Or... I could go back to psychology and try for clinical neuropsychology. Competitive, still... And back to the brain, again, (where I really wasn't entirely sure I wanted to go...), but I guess there is that...
Posted by alexandra_k on November 26, 2014, at 17:02:50
In reply to Re:, posted by alexandra_k on November 26, 2014, at 16:44:18
maybe i'll see what my wellington friends are up to over christmas... see if i can go down there for a week, or something. or they might be coming up here to hang out with one of their families... i might be able to see if i can tag along...
i'll have to put up with getting a lot of a hard time about looking like a hobo... and about not having much money to spend...
but i guess they don't mean anything nasty by it... i guess.
Posted by alexandra_k on November 27, 2014, at 19:38:50
In reply to Re:, posted by alexandra_k on November 26, 2014, at 16:44:18
brains. easier than rocket science ahaha.
yes, i have vaguely heard of the nerst equation. sp? sigh.
Posted by alexandra_k on November 29, 2014, at 23:38:46
In reply to Re:, posted by alexandra_k on November 27, 2014, at 19:38:50
i found a bunch of documentaries on youtube... there is a young doctor one, from australia. and a surgeon one, from the UK. the more i learn about what is involved (and yes, i know tv doesn't give you a full picture)... the more i know that i really really really really do want to do it.
and the more... possible it seems. do start to get a better idea of things. also found message boards... people are very forthcoming about various aspects. more... more real. people aren't trying to be impressive, or whatever. getting a better sense of how i would find various things.
of course it is partly about... saving me. i can interact with people in structured environments. very well, actually. i got to be fairly good at working in hospitality. there was a structure to the interaction. i think i could similarly get quite good at taking histories, and the like. doing physical exams, even. because the interactions are structured. and i do need people interaction. for my own sanity. but i also need people to be... slightly more at arms length? maybe it really just is about having a more structured interaction.
people are saying they start out being afraid of bothering people on the wards... then it isn't until their later years that they start to appreciate that most of the people in hospital are very bored and would actually enjoy having a medical student want to practice examining them or taking their history. oh. sure. i get that most people in hospital are bored. i remember how freaking bored i was when i was stuck there. if a med student had have wanted to take my history i would have been stoked. if they wanted to physically examine me... i might have said 'no'. but i wouldn't have felt badly for their having asked.
and most patients don't understand hierarchy. i mean... i knew who the big boss guy was... but for all i knew, he was just the boss of my case and one of his side-kicks could have been boss of the next case they were doing on their ward rounds... i didn't know the difference between registrar and 3rd year medical student. i didn't know the less senior people were the ones going about in herds... patients don't know any of that stuff... and most people assume that second year medical students know heaps heaps heaps heaps heaps more than they do and so on... because most people have no idea of the medical curriculum. and so on...
there was this chick on the aussie one... house doc. so... what were they? i think they were 7th year. so first paid job out of medical school. the cardio thoracic surgeon was talking her through the taking of an artery from here... and the making of a new coronary artery over there... and he was going 'blah blah blah blah blah high school physics - yes?' and she was like 'i didn't do physics! or maths!' and she was like... 'i was going to be a journalist...' and, yeah. that's just the way things are these days...
everyone seems to think they worked far harder in first year than in any of the subsequent. that second year... you have to group study because everyone is asking 'so, uh, what are we supposed to actually learn... like, do we need to memorise all that or??? what do we focus on??' and nobody seems to know... and then later, people are all about... finding books... and learning from those... so...
i have found toronto notes... i see... stuff like that... and you read up on the relevant sections before you go off to do your clinical placement... and if you don't want to be a surgeon then most of your anatomy is probably a bit pointless... but if you do... well... that's the first thing they will want to assess... to see whether they can be bothered investing any time in you on your clinical placement. i would suppose. because otherwise... in and out in a matter of a few weeks... easy come easy go and if they don't particularly want to know...
the england one was good, too, for getting a better sense of... being assertive. appropriately. nobody is going to tell you to operate. or to do whatever. you have to stand up and ask 'can i do it?' partly because there might be different people falling over each other to do it... but also partly because... being forced to do a thing like that could be seriously traumatic...
thinking about how... surgeons will sometimes stand up and say 'haven't done it before'. or, whatever... but still be able to convey confidence. i guess the idea is to be more like that... and early on... nobody will let you do something you are likely to f*ck up. people keep their eyes on you... they won't let you do anything that is too much or that is irrevokable or whatever... so, yeah. later students are all... 'i wish i knew then what i know now i would have been much pushier in asking to do things and in pestering patients since now i know they mostly enjoy it'.
so, yeah...
anyway... learning how to read a heart EEG... yeah... graphs... gotta love 'em...
Posted by alexandra_k on December 1, 2014, at 0:27:06
In reply to Re:, posted by alexandra_k on November 29, 2014, at 23:38:46
kind of disappointed... met with someone today. someone who is taking a few months off work to prepare for next year... thought the person might turn out to be similarly motivated to me... that we might be able to figure a way of productively working together...
turns out that he's not, really. was more interested in being impressive with having done this and that... is fairly prepared to take nursing or something allied health as a back up (but is perhaps a little delusional about chances of that?) reminded me... a lot of me last year. when i was like 'it's first year ffs, i mean, how hard can it be???' only... he's B's and C's from an unknown uni whereas at least I was coming in with A+'s...
I suppose I should be happy... One less competition. Think of it that way. I feel sad, though. Because I thought I may have found a friend. A collaborative study partner, at least. I suppose it is possible I'm being a bit harsh... But three tables from lecture one... I impressed that upon him... That was the content... Three tables from lecture one... And he was too busy wanting to talk about how he knows it already... Curriculum from later years... Etc etc etc... To actually learn the content.
I think... I think people actually might do most of their study alone for year one... People seem... A little... Shocked? At actually needing to transition to group study second year when they don't know how to figure out what they are supposed to learn exactly, anymore.
Anyway... I'm okay... Just keep on... Trucking on...
Posted by alexandra_k on December 1, 2014, at 3:10:58
In reply to Re:, posted by alexandra_k on December 1, 2014, at 0:27:06
I got a B-
Which is better than a C.
I also noticed it says 'academic standing' 'outstanding results after satisfactory progress'. I've never seen anything like that before... But it makes me feel better about life :)
It is possible that I was a bit harsh about how this meeting went today. I suppose I might have come across as a bit intimidating... And I'd had a chance to go through the material already and he hadn't. And of course there are different ways of learning and there could even be different takes on what we should learn... But since he didn't try and direct things at all...
Anyway, I guess I'll leave it up to him whether he wants to meet again... And if he does... See what he brings to the table next time.
Just waiting on law... Lets see if I can keep my B average for this year ahaha
Posted by alexandra_k on December 1, 2014, at 3:16:22
In reply to physics..., posted by alexandra_k on December 1, 2014, at 3:10:58
> I also noticed it says 'academic standing' 'outstanding results after satisfactory progress'.actually... what the hell does that mean? it would make more sense to me if it was 'satisfactory result after outstanding progress' given that i knew absolutely zip about physics since before i started the course...
confused...
Posted by alexandra_k on December 1, 2014, at 3:24:57
In reply to Re: physics..., posted by alexandra_k on December 1, 2014, at 3:16:22
ah. seems they mean my progress towards my degree is satisfactory since i maintained a part time workload... and my progress is outstanding in that i passed more than half my courses.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 1, 2014, at 15:36:26
In reply to Re: physics..., posted by alexandra_k on December 1, 2014, at 3:24:57
so... after taking the night to think on it i've processed things to a much happier place. i won't meet with him again. there were a bunch of things that didn't add up for me. or... that added up for me into a picture that really does suggest that i'm best to keep a cool distance from him.
i've factored in that i was outstandingly lucky to have met the study group of people i did for psychology, before. the main person who made that work was in very many respects a truly remarkable individual and that is unlikely to happen for me again. i shouldn't hold potential friends to the same expectations... and i should also factor that it takes time to learn how to productively work with a person. can't expect things to go swimmingly off the bat.
but this guy was... lazy. and full of yap yap yap yap yap and not prepared to knuckle down and get on with the task. he didn't bring anything to the table. he came to a 'study group' without a pen. without paper. he wanted to moan about how he hated embryology. he wanted to dismiss a bunch of stuff that he couldn't answer high level questions on because he didn't know it because he was convinced that he did already know it.
at a couple of points the lecture notes i'd printed off for him blew away. the first time... he was on his mobile... and he expected people a table over / me to get out of our seats to get them back for him. i've learned that sometimes people set up or 'pretend' phone conversations because they think other people will listen in and be impressed. this was probably a case of that. it doesn't work on me because i respect peoples privacy enough to purposely not listen in. besides... it was the most productive 5 minutes of study time there was in the whole time we were together. the second time his notes blew away i was like 'i'm not getting them for you this time'.
he didn't have an instinctive response to jump up and chase / grab something that was supposedly dear to his heart. not even out of respect / appreciation for the fact that i'd gone to the effort to print them off for him.
that is weird. the people the table over noticed it and gave him skeptical glances... putting all the bits together...
i think he's 'having a go' when it comes to medicine and he thinks that it will be easy for him to get into nursing. which it won't. because it really is very competitive here. i didn't realise that the program here is the only university nursing degree (rather than technical college nursing degree) in the country. and with the medical school here... all the scrub nurses etc will be coming out of here... i think he'll be lucky to get a place in that. i mean, i think he'll have to work a bit harder than he thinks he'll have to in order to earn a place in that. to start with he was all 'i'm just going to focus on preparing over the next few months' and he also said he was going to enroll in a summer school paper. but now... he plans to take a bunch of time off to travel a bit... and he was really sick of work and wanting time off... and then he's going to keep up working part time... and the summer school enrollment didn't work out...
he's full of it.
i suppose he's in shock that i'm probably the only person to have said 'hey, why don't you take another year. what makes you think you have a chance?' like how i was in shock after hearing that last year...
anyway... with the respect to mutual benefit. not happening.
_____
dude was weirder than me. i was... surprisingly normal. i mean... i felt surprisingly normal. coffee shop interaction and whatever... just the whole thing. i see... nobody ever thought i was asperger's because i wasn't able to conduct a normal conversation. i mean... they didn't diagnose it on that basis. when i'm in sensory overwhelm / meltdown i'm not able to... but when i'm not in sensory overwhelm i can actually be quite good. i mean, really. able to maintain appropriate eye contact and be very in tune with non-verbal communications etc. like how this guy expected me to run around after him without his doing anything at all for himself. i heard that loud and clear. and i was able to be appropriately assertive, even (after giving him the benefit of the doubt on one occasion in case he had f*ck*d up feet or something)... but then he wasn't even appreciate just expectant... i didn't want to believe it... but after thought... yeah.
i emailed him the course book. i think he will be feeling all victorious that he got something out of me for free. like... happy that he got a half cup of water. what he doesn't realise is that a half cup isn't going to be enough to seriously help him and i had gallons and gallons and gallons of the stuff...
and that is the tragedy of not being able to engage in reciprocal social relationships... and... it was more in him than me.
and today i feel... normal. like this IS possible. thankful for being humbled by my classes this year because it is scaring me into working harder than i would be working otherwise. i also feel... proud of myself. that i handled myself well in my interaction with him. that i really did give him a proper chance. and that now i can walk away feeling good about myself that i did good, yeah. and that i'm not being taken advantage of. because the notes thing, meh. HAVING them is one thing. LEARNING them is the other (much much harder) thing.
_____
And my mates from wellington... things are hard because they love me so. they are upset i didn't try harder to get a government job and stay in the city with them. one of them is a bit jealous i'm getting to learn science. so... they get to gloat a bit about how much money they earn and so on... because it comes from their own insecurity. they have helped me amazingly over the years. they really are family. i can put up with knocks from them because they've shown over and over that they are there when it counts. when i really need them. theyve done more for me than i've been able to do for them... and i need to be a bit more humble (a lot more humble) about that. but also... limit the length of our interaction :)
life... is good.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 1, 2014, at 15:41:11
In reply to Re: physics..., posted by alexandra_k on December 1, 2014, at 15:36:26
i do believe i've figured it out. i think the dude is looking for a wife to look after him.
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