Posted by alexandra_k on November 26, 2014, at 16:44:18
In reply to Re: kahn academy, posted by alexandra_k on November 25, 2014, at 13:18:27
Summer is getting a bit much for me, with its completely unstructured time, already. Because I don't have a bunch of friends, I suppose. Because... I don't want to smoke pot or cigarettes... Spend my time trying to get hold of other drugs... Drink... And I suppose the truth of it is that I don't really know how to interact with people otherwise. Don't really know how to interact with people whose lives aren't organized around such things. Other people are thicker skinned... They have this whole jostly thing they do of seeing what they can get away with / how far they can push people, or whatever. I'm too thin skinned for that. And I don't see why you would want to be friends with people like that. People who would try and exploit others etc if they can get away with it...
Of course I realise that there is more going on behind it than that. That it is a way of learning who is able to (reasonably) defend themself, who is likely to fly off the handle, and so on... But I find all of that so terribly stressful... Too much. I'd rather be by myself.
I get lonely around this time of year. Because around this time of year everyone else is socially focused, I guess. It is summer... And I always feel vulnerable at this time of year... Feel exposed with all the light and with needing to wear less layers of clothing... And people going on about having fun and hanging out... And I don't have any friends to hang out with, basically. And I feel like I don't know how to hang out with people anymore. If I ever did. Without smoking / drinking.
That's pretty terrible, huh.
Sometimes... I think that I only really got dx'd with the Asperger's thing to help get me out of where I was living before (so I can live more independently). That that was what it was about, really. I definately need to be living more independently... But think that that was all it was about, really.
Othertimes... I think that maybe there is more to it. That I'm... Not really expected to ever have a proper job, or whatever. I think that maybe.. Maybe I am incapable of it, really.
I keep thinking 'I didn't really know what it meant to start over'... How before people expressed... Something a little like horror... Definite surprise about my wanting to start over... But now I'm thinking that they probably don't know what it means, either. Because it is impossible to know, really.
It involves a lot of feeling dumb. Really out of ones depth. And I guess something that people have been trying to say to me... Usually people go to university to do something that they already know they are reasonably good at. Though of course that isn't true with things like sociology and psychology and I guess you take your chances with trying out subjects like those, a little bit... But Science / Maths is quite different... And perhaps the very verbal subjects (like law) are a bit, too. Feels... Like there is something more like a very definite and somewhat fixed body of knowledge that they are trying to get down you... And I really started out not knowing any of it... I mean... I remember being surprised to learn about phase changes vs chemical changes around March... Thinking of the difference between melting and mixing... It had never occurred to me before... And nobody had taught me...
I suppose putting things that way, I have come rather a long way. But, on the other hand, a long way to go.
To f*ck knows where.
I think the largest part of what is hard... Is not knowing whether I'm seriously delusional about med... Or quite what. I really don't know. I think that is the hardest. But then... Suppose I got a place. Then the hardest thing would be wondering whether I could do it or not. ONly... At least I would know that govt people / admissions people believed I could. Because they wouldn't have invested in me, otherwise. Right now... Where things are at now... I can't tell if people have any kind of faith in me at all... Or whether where I am now... Really does just represent a kind of... Giving up of hope.
I guess... They wouldn't have let me get a student loan to study more if they had totally given up... There is that. I do worry a bit that my grades aren't good enough... But I guess B's are okay... Especially for my first year doing science, ever. Still don't know about physics or law... Can take up to 20 days after the final day in the exam period to get grades back, they reckon... I had forgotten just how much time they tend to take... Anyway...
I will go to summer school for something to do... An organising principle. I need to write myself out little goals of things I want to learn. So I can take pride in crossing them off... And because things like the UMAT seem to lurk as a murky haze that I'm vaguely terrified of... Need to carve them up. Make them manageable.
I'll be okay. It will only get easier. If I don't get into med I can always do Bio-Med or Physiology (depending on how my physics goes). Or... I could go back to psychology and try for clinical neuropsychology. Competitive, still... And back to the brain, again, (where I really wasn't entirely sure I wanted to go...), but I guess there is that...
poster:alexandra_k
thread:1058481
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20141123/msgs/1073770.html