![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 166 to 190 of 495. Go back in thread:
Posted by alexandra_k on June 25, 2014, at 21:56:33
In reply to Re: refocus..., posted by alexandra_k on June 24, 2014, at 21:15:54
i could do law, i think. it is... structured. ordered. procedural. rule based ahahaha. formal... i like all of that. it is... comforting.
i know everyone wants to do criminal law (though an awful lot change their minds when they learn they don't get to pick and choose who they defend)... and i know lots of lawyers are *ssh*l*s... but still... it is a very verbal field... and lots of hunting out cases... and claiming they are just the same in certain relevant respects to what you want to happen over here... and it's philosophy, really. i'm good at that. at those connections. at that way of thinking... analogy...
and the lawyers i talked to were... reasonable people. and so were the police, actually. and the judge was nice. he even asked if i had managed to get to see a doctor and showed some kind of concern that i wasn't allowed to go within 20 meters of community mental health...
the lawyer kept saying 'minor minor minor' and i did get the impression that they were... puzzled... that someone had decided to phone the police and waste everyones time on this... the cop at the station was like... said something about how she is bound to get hit all the time in her job and it was just that today was the day she choose to try and do something about that. he seemed a bit sheepish about that. like... how she sort of waited for the most harmless person to persecute, uh prosecute, uh, defend herself against. whatever.
i am surprised she lied. or that the cop guy did to make it sound... less crappy. i did not kick her or try. she did not say that i could see the doc in a couple weeks. she did not know why i wanted to see the doc. she did not even ask. she did not assess me (she told them i did not need to see a doctor). she was... full of f*ck*ng sh*t, she was. she only came out to throw her weight around... and you should have seen the f*ck*ng grin on her face when i hit her.
anyway... whatever...
at least... i'm not getting... uh... camus... had me worried. worried about the appropriate remorse thing. hitting people is not okay. of course. i understand that. but as for remorse... nobody seems to actually expect me to feel it. under the circumstances. next hearing.. i might have to meet with a police officer to discuss the terms of the diversion... whether i have to write her a letter or whatever. apparently i get to tell them my side of things... and they help figure out what is to happen. apparently she needs to decide whether she's happy with my getting diversion or not... but i'm sure they will want to teach her a lesson too about wasting police time...
and there it is.
so... feeling better about law. which is good. because, uh, given labs... it might come to that.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 25, 2014, at 22:04:22
In reply to Re: today's lesson, posted by alexandra_k on June 19, 2014, at 20:07:36
> but no... reception has to tell nurse. who tells nurse who tells nurse. who tells reception to... who tells me to... then reception tells nurse.... then after a while nurse comes out. only to find that nurse can't help me because nurse can't sign form. at which point nurse tells me that i've been discharged and i should go to my gp. at which point i say that while i've tried to find a suitable gp i don't have one yet and finding one and their retrieving my notes will take time... it'sa process and nobdoy f*ck*ng helped me with that when they decided to just f*ck*ng drop me by discharging me. at which point she tells me to go to a gp... at which point i say 'what did i just tell you about the gp thing' at which point she tells me a p-doc can't see me because i've been discharged... at which point i start hitting her repeatedly for being a willfully obnoxious pig.
huh.memory is a... funny... funny, thing.
that's right. i remember now. i did start to try and explain the situation a bit... because i wanted to emphasise the whole 'less than 10 minutes' thing... then her inability / unwillingness to follow along the chain of reasoning... got me frustrated.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 26, 2014, at 1:09:42
In reply to Re: today's lesson, posted by alexandra_k on June 25, 2014, at 22:04:22
oh... so... the perfect job thing turned out not to be. before the deadline... heard back that the funding wasn't approved for the project or they decided not to go ahead with it or... whatever.
i had a moment of paranoia... maybe they talked to my adviser and he advised them not to have anything to do with me... or... whatever... whatever... then i realized i was probably being paranoid.
think of things the other way:
i was concerned before about it being too many hours, really. i wasn't sure how to work it in with my study and the grading... disability... i can't work too much. and i... uh... i shouldn't work too much. i need to be a bit gentle with me, really. and i don't know how to claim for work like that. i did some subject indexing once and my particular study habits of spending hours staring at a blank screen and then... working at a rapid rate of knotts... i... uh... don't know how to bill that. i ended up, uh, i heard at the end that it cost a lot less than he thought it would... because i underestimated the hours, of course. i don't understand how you estimate those... and then of course all those sleepless nights when you figure out bits that are to be done on it. i see why people pay for *targets* rather than *time spent*. the latter is so hard... and you see people... faffing about and it is so hard to know how to be responsible...
and so, yeah. and there it is. a little sad. but i guess i can get myself into the spirit of this perhaps being for the best.
Posted by Partlycloudy on June 26, 2014, at 7:16:25
In reply to Re: today's lesson, posted by alexandra_k on June 26, 2014, at 1:09:42
It sounds like the court was properly embarrassed by the complaint brought against you.
And, as far as studying law, I would wonder about billable hours with your style of study and work. To me, the "unbillable" time of processing in your head is as valuable as the documenting of it. It IS part of the process. I shouldn't think you would be easily distracted. Am I right?
I wonder how your lasagna turned out. I made a Mexican casserole equivalent last week, with corn tortillas instead of the pasta layer, and salsa instead of the spaghetti sauce. Chesse was cheddar and something innocuous but very meltable and stringy. Yum.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 26, 2014, at 18:07:00
In reply to Re: today's lesson, posted by Partlycloudy on June 26, 2014, at 7:16:25
hmm... well... i looked at law... seems that if you are into criminal then you might well want to think about a minor in drama... i see that, actually. media presentation etc... image... public image... not entirely sure that is me. talking to the judge is one thing (no worries there)... talking to juries, well...
rhetoric... popularity... politics... of course.
i mean... what did one think democracy was going to be about?
?
Posted by Partlycloudy on June 26, 2014, at 18:22:50
In reply to Re: today's lesson, posted by alexandra_k on June 26, 2014, at 18:07:00
I do think it depends on the country you practice in! And the type of law. Some people specialise in Patents, Estates, rather than civil or criminal. Some of them are quite dry and "rules are rules". If the t's aren't crossed and i's not dotted, the law stands.
So, if you want drama, it's there. It can also be circumvented completely.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 26, 2014, at 18:26:10
In reply to Re: today's lesson, posted by alexandra_k on June 26, 2014, at 18:07:00
they say it takes 9-12 months to settle into a place. to... make friends or whatever. i think that is partly why things have been so frustrating for me since moving back to nz... there simply is no fast tracking the process... and then it taking about that amount of time to figure out that... things weren't working for me.
i mean... i guess i bailed on the looking for work in wellington thing a little bit early... but then sport science didn't work out... and then physio didn't work out... maybe i could have pushed on... but the living circumstances were unbearable...
i have come to the right place. stay here... i mean. will stay here. but other things are... taking time, yeah. will do... that's life. there simply is no fast tracking the process.
i just have to believe... things will work out for me. somehow... someway... people are looking out for me... there will be a place for me. something... happy. some sort of... security. eventually. knowledge that... i have a space that is mine. and one day... if / when it comes to it... if i need to go into care or something... that i'm protected by the insensitive space invaders. that latter bit... fills me with fear, actually. i've been looking into health insurance... seems like there really isn't much... isn't any guarantee... a private room should i get hit by a bus... the ability to say 'not that nurse - i don't want that nurse 'looking after' me'...
i... uh... don't know what to say.
most GP's seem to work... 2 or 3 days per week. they are self employed. there were protests or somesuch a while back... the government gave... more to GP's... because of the shortage. to try and recruit them... keep them... because they are cheaper than specialists, i think. government is trying... to get them to work longer hours... after hours especially... cheaper to have patients go to their GP after hours than to go to the ER in the hospital... I mean... There are patients waiting on trolleys in the hallways in the hospitals because we don't have enough hospital beds... Sleeping in the wait room... GP's don't seem to be biting, though...
the lifestyle, apparently.
I think that is what I need. to work... 2 or 3 days per week. spend the rest of that time preparing and decompressing. then actual *quality work* where i can hold my head high about it. feel some kind of self respect.
i think a huge part of the problem is that i'm too old... i should be... nearly there. not starting over. philosophy didn't work for me... people told me so... no portable other... no supportive family... i can't afford to ship myself across the other side of the world for a 1 year post-doc position where my job is to find my next job... wait the couple month it takes for payroll to come through... pay interest on a credit card for late reimbursement... i can't even afford to take up something like a 3 week full time equivalent position without losing the security i've got with disability. whatever...
maybe law. maybe... we'll see. see if medicine comes through for me, i guess. see if... i can do science. labs... who knows. i don't know what to say...
Posted by alexandra_k on June 26, 2014, at 18:27:02
In reply to Re: today's lesson, posted by Partlycloudy on June 26, 2014, at 18:22:50
crosspost...
yes.
yes. the real work. tax law, or whatever. yeah.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 26, 2014, at 18:27:33
In reply to Re: today's lesson, posted by alexandra_k on June 26, 2014, at 18:27:02
like science, i guess. the difference between being a lab geek or a face for medicine.
heh.
Posted by Partlycloudy on June 26, 2014, at 19:43:40
In reply to Re: today's lesson, posted by alexandra_k on June 26, 2014, at 18:27:02
:-)
I wouldn't feel so badly about not having settled on a career by now. It's no longer typical for individuals to be educated in, and then work at the same type of job for an extended length of time.
Wearing many hats (and considering doing so) is more realistic in my book.It's much different doing it all without support - be it family or a relationship with another person. You really are doing this on your own. At the same time you recognise your personal requirements for privacy and quiet.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 26, 2014, at 19:55:00
In reply to Re: today's lesson, posted by Partlycloudy on June 26, 2014, at 19:43:40
thanks pc.
i have an exam tomorrow. i feel...
usually i'd be reading... in a relaxed way... consolidating concepts. but equations are different... mental burnout is possible. so i'm, uh, well...
i found a brand new edition of "Campbell Biology" it is a WONDERFUL book. really, very. got an email about the biology coursebooks being available... only they aren't. poor bookshop people are going to get harrassed by students looking for them all day...
Posted by alexandra_k on June 27, 2014, at 19:29:16
In reply to Re: today's lesson, posted by alexandra_k on June 26, 2014, at 19:55:00
well...
exams have changed a little bit since i was an undergraduate.
seems now it is considered perfectly acceptable to ask a row of people to move so you can get out / leave early.
that will be why people ask for 'disability accommodations' for a quiet examination room.
unbelievable.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 27, 2014, at 19:38:55
In reply to Re: today's lesson, posted by alexandra_k on June 27, 2014, at 19:29:16
that was...
long.
there were lots of conceptual questions. but there were equations, too. and the equation questions are fairly cumulative. so if you get lost on an early step you have f*ck*d up the whole section... and the whole section could be worth 5 or 6 marks or so...
enthalpy was... a mess. as predicted. there was a titration question that was similarly so. rates... something weird was going on with one of them... which messed up that whole section (potentially) so... organic... there were a few... oddities. oddities of questions. that i messed up, probably. idiosyncratic bits...
i never have a sense of things for chemistry. so... who the f*ck knows. just... wait and see, i guess.
steel myself for a B... B- even. oh dear god.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 27, 2014, at 20:06:16
In reply to Re: today's lesson, posted by alexandra_k on June 27, 2014, at 19:38:55
it is over
there is nothing i can do
it will take a while for that to sink in...
biology ho!
i'm curious about how much it is going to be current physiology... vs how much it is going to be evolutionary...
i am...
curious about whether i will turn out to be any good at it after all ahahahahahahahaaa
i am... bracing myself (or something) for calculations for physics (forget the textbook calculate! calculate! calculate! i am an algebraic (no calculus!) calculating machine!)
and a little bit of grading. just a touch. nice little bonus of some new gym shoes and new socks! and so on and so forth... maybe one of the books i'll need for next year...
life is good. i will trek out to the satellite campus (for next year) in a couple weeks (first week i can catch the bus)... visit their library... all the sports education / movement books... take a look... visit their gym...
i got a book on 'exploring the bio-mechanics of animals' which is largely pictures... it is wonderful. i like. very much :)
yay.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 28, 2014, at 2:03:21
In reply to Re: today's lesson, posted by alexandra_k on June 27, 2014, at 20:06:16
so...
i'm currently having a fit because THERE ARE NEWER EDITIONS OF THE TEXTBOOKS
oh yes there are. and the bookshop does not have them.
and... it should.
i think... something is going on... with US versus 'international' editions of textbooks. best i can figure... it is b*llsh*t. like zoning restrictions on DVD's or whatever... I don't understand it in the textbook case...
is it something about different academic year start dates? because our academic year starts march?
i'm about to start a new semester... and that is around the same as the start of a new academic year... so why can't i get the newest textbooks for my classes??
if i order them online... they get (indefinitely) held up at the shipping stage.... and international editions have a different ISBN
F*CK*NG SUCKS
is what i have to say abotu that.
so, uh, who wants to ship me a textbook?
?
dammit...
Posted by alexandra_k on July 1, 2014, at 18:36:22
In reply to Re: aargh!!, posted by alexandra_k on June 28, 2014, at 2:03:21
going a little bit nutso with the break. not entirely sure what to do with myself. things will come right... probably just before i need to transition back to things starting back. adaptable... i am not, really. meh. i don't know if that's true, or if i'm repeating something back that i once heard a man say... i'm okay. just feel... idle. like i'm idling.
next semester will be better. i'm telling myself. trying to get into the spirit of things. i am doing a good job of transitioning into next year... and beyond... think of it that way... i am doing a good job of it, i am. and a huge part of it is the fact that things take time to set up... it takes people time to get to know me etc. and there is no fast tracking it (since whatever i got from reputation is mostly gone). so... all that stuff is ticking away behind the scenes and i don't need to work on it with conscious effort or anything. i can feel happier about it here, now, because i see it as an investment. it was a waste before... a year here, a year there... takes people time to get to know me time to get to know me time to see i don't fit in time enough for them to get attached so they don't want to let me go / don't know where i can go for a better fit...
i'm feeling... ambivalent about chemistry. i need to sort it out in my mind so there won't be a repeat. basically... i f*ck*d things up, really rather badly. so... i need to make sure it doesn't happen again. i think one of the things i need to think about is how i can get some help with the math. part of it is that i don't know how to set things up / follow the procedures. looking at the calculations that i got right in my first test... i had a big mess of something that looked a bit like a... reaction summary with arrows here and there... lots of calculations... the model answers were all neatly set out on one single line. far less steps. how? in the exam... it turned into a math test for me. procedure fell out. just trying to... free associate a little here and a little there... f*ck*ng mess.
i thought... i thought i would need to ask for help for math, but i didn't think i'd need to ask for help with labs. so... i kinda need to pick my battles, huh. otherwise... there really does get to be a fine line where you need to face up to things... not working out. time to go do something else. i feel... scared. on the one hand i don't want to persist in something that i'm bad at / something that there is no future in for me... on the other hand... i don't want to end up missing out on something great that could have been just because that last remark strikes people as my being 'wishy washy' or 'not really wanting it' or whatever. i... don't know.
i don't see how anybody is supposed to know what they want to do, or whatever. i mean... you don't know the reality until you are there. reading through the lab manual... we do dissections in the labs. worm in the first one. i feel... distinctly squeemish. i... think worms are really rather gross... bugs... the last one we get a whole rat... i feel like... this is really important. it is important that i get to... take some time. feel relaxed. feel... appropriately reverent for the life, or something. not be amongst a giggle group of 'ew gross' 'what does your picture look like?' people... actually take time to... do it properly. i don't see... how all that can be done in three hours... unless it is mechanised... do this then do that then do the next thing then copy the picture down... just being mindfull to do what the herd is doing as the herd is doing... i guess ability to actually do it... emerges... over the years. instead of... taking longer... then things getting faster... what do i think people dissection or surgery is going to be like? do i really want to do something like that? a huge part of the answer to that is... whether i enjoy things. i can learn motor skills for the gym... i can work really quickly indeed on some things... focus well... i guess i'm hoping that... once i've got a few of the basic motor skills down i can follow along with the herd better. also as the herd... well... as there is a selection process on them... as i come to trust them more... maybe i'll be better able to follow... maybe as they get to know me... maybe things can work.
i found this thing... aspergers guy training to be a doc at cambridge... killed himself because they wouldn't let him qualify (he needed to take pediatrics test for a third time). that would have been what my doc was thinking when she said pediatrics might be harder... all of the screaming babies wanting to be held... i just saw a brief article on it... apparently... he was given accommodations but they weren't enough. i guess that is the concern... where do you draw that line on 'you just aren't any good at this'. pediatrics seems weird place to draw it... lots of areas of medicine don't involve your having to have anything to do with babies... honestly... i'd anticipate having a harder time of things like cervical smears... but maybe you get desensitised to it after a couple birthings...
i suspect... things i think might be hard probably won't be. and things that i don't know anything about... things i've not even dreamed of... will turn out to be hard.
i... for someone who does go on, i don't really know what to say. i see the virtue in equations. all the association... to get to a simple, linear, thing. it is quite beautiful. but my brain... needs to be cajoled... it is good for me, i think.
class at 9 m,t,t,f and class at 4 m,t,w,t. one three hour lab every fortnight (6 of them). have some grading, too. not much. just one class lot (around 30) which is... very minimal, honestly. it would be usual to do 2x that for a normal part time job (2 tut groups). but it is a step up from only having one class this semester... i remember... when i moved from 2 classes per semester to 4 classes per semester being really surprised at how it wasn't all that much more work. when you have more time you spend more time doing things that aren't particularly efficient... because you can tell yourself you have got the time. whatever you do expands to fill, to become everything there is. it will be nice to have more than one thing going on. some diversification. if one thing is getting to be too much and i need a bread from it... i have something else to be getting on with. i feel... like i'll be better equipped for physics... focus on the equations. i've never had to do equations before... i had no idea how to study for that... now i know... setting them up on paper and doing them over and over until it's automatic... the animal biology... labs will be the main thing... evolutionary biology, mostly... will be a chunk to remember... some of the comparative stuff will be interesting... some of the slightly technical stuff on the demands of swimming vs land for respiration... and then locomotion... comparative neuroanatomy... kinda... weirdly interesting. alien life forms... alien forms of life... i think that was partly why i was getting excited about plants. know a lot has come from thinking of plants as having... immune systems... and in philosophy... plants help push the limits on our understanding of evolution (e.g., plants have interesting stuff that push our understanding of survival vs reproduction)... alien life forms, indeed... but animals will be fine... even if rather gross... i hope... i get over that...
i worry that these accommodations will turn out to be... nothing. people can be good at being all 'oh, why didn't you ask for help?' (putting things back on me - my fault, if only i had have asked). and then when i'm like 'i did. remember all that stuff about having powerpoint notes prior to lecture'...
i think... i'm thinking... it really hasn't been very good. i have asked for help on various bits... and with the powerpoint notes... the lecturers had completed them prior so it really wasn't creating extra work for them or anything like that... i have pointed out what i needed. then the consequences of my not getting it (my starting to fall behind) and then the consequences of that (drop from an A+ to a C+ grade from test 1 to test 2). they think that having the lecture notes prior to class wouldn't help me... and they get their way because they have the power to make it so. would having them in advance have helped me? i guess we'll never know. the middle (maths part) lecturer was... sh*t. honestly... the sh*tt**st lecturer i've ever had. an accent which took a good week of lectures to get the hang of... while she sets things up all alien because she thinks the maths looks pretty that way or what the f*ck ever... to teach us stuff that 'isn't in your textbooks you can only get the content on it if you come to class!' with exercises with answers full of typos (same ones she'd given out over a number of years)... sh*t. then when i complained at her that several days after the lecture her lecture notes still weren't available she bitched and moaned about how busy she was and how it was her weekend... they should make her teach high school ffs. wherever the f*ck she came from. actually... that isn't fair... she didn't seem interested in actually teaching... magical... either they can do it all already or else... ?
i forget that... the people factor. which was how i got coaxed into before... until i... found... i didn't have any people. there weren't any people doing anything i was capable of doing. math... yeah... no help carving out a manageable project...
lab accommodations... what are they thinking? they might be thinking to give me an hour alone with a microscope... or have someone talk at me for 5 minutes on how to use it... i... don't think that will be enough. i have to... undo chemistry lab aversion...
i feel... disposable. dispensable. i think that is... science. because of the sheer number of students doing it. they herd them through and... see who they have left. i know already... i don't do well like that.
and so it might just be... that there it is. and the thing is... that's what everyone wants me to believe. it is just so much easier for everyone if i curl up and die - right? either put on a brave face of 'i know exactly what i'm doing get the f*ck out of my way' or be trampled... because that's what we want... teams of gregarious people having you feel good about the fact that they are killing / hurting you with their incompetence. f*ck yeah.
oxford model... thinking... thinking... the summer scholarship where i worked well... oxford model. small group teaching... interaction... questioning... grading... personal development, even. i don't know if it is like that still... or what... but that view of teaching... i was lucky to get stuff invested in me... and i gave it back (worked my *ss off and produced as best i could and was told it was good). which was... the best i've ever got from anyone / anything, really. 'as good as anything that's been done here'. which i didn't know how to take at the time, but whatever...
i'm afraid that i'm going to hate labs. in which case... it's all over. i feel... the weight of most of the world being all like 'well that would be for the best. there are heaps of 18 year olds who say they want it with every fibre of their being so why should the opportunity be given to wishy washy you who doesn't even know what she wants'.
as usual... those who don't think much... get... while those who do... get passed over... i worry it might be a case of that...
i have a better understanding... seems they mostly do want everyone to have a degree. they do save a certain number of places for entry from that first year... they do tend to go to the kids whose parents are doctors. mostly because... i guess the idea is that they really do have some understanding of the reality of the situation. they have parental support (including people they can appropriately talk to etc) - or are more likely to, at any rate. so... if they want to do it... they also have... good influence parents who... decided to stay in NZ rather than bailing for better working conditions and better pay. so... those kids... snap them up, yeah. it does make sense.
Posted by alexandra_k on July 1, 2014, at 21:46:06
In reply to Re: aargh!!, posted by alexandra_k on July 1, 2014, at 18:36:22
i just... i don't understand labs. i understand group work where one thing gets handed in by a bunch of people and i understand individual work... but i don't understand this thing where we pretend it is individual (that people are recording what they found or drawing what they saw) but where really people are copying with slight modification... maybe people are better at it than i give them credit for... i think with the water thing... people were... just easy going about it, really. take a recording every 30 seconds... or so... that recording was a little late... but never mind... extrapolate a little, modify the answer a little, you can see the general trend...
i can't. see the general trend. because of the numbers thing, i guess. and it says to take a recording every 30 seconds... so... i'm feeling very literal about that. do it properly. and it's not supposed to matter. rough and ready... 30 or 40 minutes you do it for... talking and joking and so on to make it bearable... fun... apparently. and all i want is a quiet room where i can focus on doing the task properly.
i'm seeing this selection process... it's a little bit of luck... and mostly it's investment.
it's about overpopulation. here we are, tiny little country... not many more people than the population of sydney... and we have issues of overpopulation. crowding in accommodation. though they are starting to say that it is a cultural difference rather than a substandard living accommodation thing. it is concerning...
the mushroom child raising strategy... cast your progeny into the wind and see what sticks. law of averages... some of them will be able to support you in your (relatively young) old age - right? struggle themselves up, somehow... so we get over 1,000 wanting to do science... run the class... see what sticks... and there is a combination... of people who don't know they are expected to study / do any revising / learning outside of class... of people who don't know they can't study effectively in front of the television / with all the overcrowing noise... all kinds... and you make it... or you don't... whatever... nobody gives a sh*t. expendable.
that's the trouble. in being so f*ck*ng reverent about life... we end up treating it like a cheap piece of sh*t. so much more where that came from...
forget the ecosystem... from a person perspective... massive human diebacks would be good...
Posted by alexandra_k on July 7, 2014, at 22:40:51
In reply to Re: aargh!!, posted by alexandra_k on July 1, 2014, at 21:46:06
so happy.
getting the hang of this holiday, thing.
it's all cloudy and grey and dismal... and i'm all cosy and warm looking out on it all...
and the gym is great right now. not packed... and most of the people there seem to be... doing their thing. not being bros... not sure what it is... the bros seem to have gone home or gone on holiday or wherever it is the bros go... the bros have gone...
a bunch of people who know what they are doing have moved in... maybe people have just... learned. since it is about half way through the year now... maybe it is that these people had to train early or late in the day, before. because of classes. and now they are enjoying being able to go more leisurely in the middle of the day... where... typically... the bros like to go...
and the website is good for math... and spore is good for a break... and that dinky little game is good for... that curious little catchy repetitive thing that i need to do sometimes... they should make it with 3 as well... instead of 2 i mean... that would be cool...
and i feel bad for grumping... and i hope... i'll learn some social skills so i'm able to get better at... being firm on boundaries with other people. at... communicating with them so they understand. or something. so it might be a bit safer for me to let people in a little bit sometimes. because... i do get kinda lonely... sometimes... anyway... life is good. yeah. i am happy.
Posted by alexandra_k on July 7, 2014, at 23:21:44
In reply to Re: happy happy happy, posted by alexandra_k on July 7, 2014, at 22:40:51
remembering...
what it's about...
i always did want to do medicine. i took human biology at school for school certificate. because it was an option. i didn't hardly attend... but they didn't teach us anything, anyway... passed the exam (just) on general knowledge...
then... when the university people came around... i said medicine... and they asked how my grades were in science. and i said i wasn't doing science... and they laughed. so... i thought i couldn't.
i remember when i just started high school... looking through all the subjects you could take in later years and getting excited about picking what i would take...
i remember i did want to do science... it wasn't until later... that people told me it required math. and i didn't realize science was incremental, either. i thought you could just pick it up your last year at high school. like how i just picked up art history. biology (i did do). i thought i could just pick up chemistry or physics. but i didn't know they were math...
and somehow... all i ever really worked at was english (because i loved to read the books). and i didn't hardly attend anything else... i liked classical studies... socrates, mostly. is something virtuous because it is loved by the gods or do the gods love it because it is virtuous? i got a f*ck*ng kick out of that. loved it. mental mindbender tricky... it made me... happy. then at university open day the philosophy people talked about... personal identity. if you chop off tracy's legs and send them to spain while the rest of her is in france then where is tracy? what if you send her brain to berlin? and i knew... i had to do philosophy.
then... i remember applying for phd's in philosophy... looking into auckland back then... seeing that they had a math test for math entry and thinking... i couldn't. then a guy from the spanish department went off to do it and he said they had changed the entry requirements... no math test anymore...
i still thought i couldn't though... that it was math and science requiring math... that i couldn't do it...
and i mentioned it to my p-doc and he... looked very uneasy. and reccommended against it. and told me i couldn't / shouldn't. something like that... and i guess i thought... my medical record / history. would be accessible. they'd find out. they wouldn't let me do it.
so i went off to do a phd...
and found myself drawn to philosophy of medicine... then my father died... and i got to do some grad level cognitive neuroscience (over in science) in the US... and i just... really wanted more science... more science... tried to visit a science lab in sydney (they said they would have me) but no luck finding suitable accommodation (so very important to me) in sydney... then my teaching gig was supposed to bring me closer... but it didn't because of accommodation again... the way the pay was (so very far behind) i still couldn't afford an extra night (and couldn't take the 6 person share for more than 1 night for my sanity)...
then discovering the gym. seeing people doing olympic lifts. wanting to be able to move like that more than most things. a symbol of... flexibility. strength. co-ordination. beauty... naturalness... something... peaceful and perfect i found there.
i don't have any proper muscular firing sequence patterns. thinking... thinking... years of disuse. then i did have shock treatment... seizures... then the trauma of the fall... shock, again. i had to work so very hard to be able to do any freeweight movement kinda sorta semi correctly. i mean... form is something you continually work on forever... but my 'natural sequences' are... wrong. and of course i had to learn to walk again after my injuries... so that was near to me. then learning how to jump... nothing is natural for me. so... i wanted to learn how to do things properly... then everyones athropomentry is different and really we don't know a great deal... and everybody's got a theory... and learning to listen to my body again. when to listen. in what respects.
then seeing bar path trajectories... and thinking about lever lengths etc... and i really wanted to do bio-mechanics... i think there is something not very useful that happens sometimes with people drawing dots on the joints and following trajectories through time... but you can't get an 'ought' from an 'is'... and just because people do doesn't mean people 'should' do it like that... and wanting to learn more...
and physio... and then they wouldn't let me do bio-mechanics. even though i tried from a good 6 months prior to anything even starting to apply for a substitution paper... then realizing... sometimes the thing to do is to follow the smart people instead of the subject area... finding my way to this uni... happy here... there is sports science here... but there is also physics... and i think i should do some physics and see...
i have this thing... about q angles for women. about how i think our knees should go out more like frogs than current teaching / theory suggests. we tell women to take a 'shoulder width' stance but what the f*ck do shoulders (of guys or girls) have to do with setting foot width?
part of the problem seems to be... those 2d models are f*ck*ng complicated already. complicated complicated complicated i can't do / make one. i don't know what to make of it. i'm suspicious, too, with respect to what if anything can be made of it... i need to learn more about how they are made, what they are good for, known limitations etc...
but stance width. tracking knee movement out laterally... thats important. for women especially.
and i'm curious just today it occurred to me... i wonder if women should tuck their elbows more... with their shoulders being narrower... less supported by muscle... something something... whereas guys should go wider... thinking... i can do tricep pushups not much trouble. wider stance (where guys want to go) is much much harder for me. i'm wondering if there might be a reverse analogy here...
i was seeing some reptilian lizard movement in this comparative animal movement book i got.. about how their limbs are set off to the sides of their bodies rather than being underneath them. how they bent them to be lower to the ground... how they waddled because of that... it got me thinking... women's hips are wider so maybe their legs waddle (bent knees out a bit)... gotta put your knees somewhere with that q angle.. i wonder if guys waddle more with their arms... because their shoulders are wider... which sets their arms really off from the sides of their bodies...
does that kinda make sense??
i, uh,
want to learn about this sh*t. but it is unclear where to go...
i guess i was hoping orthopedics... and i'll get to learn HEAPS of other cool sh*t along the way. and, uh, yeah, perhaps discover a fascination with something i've never even heard of. or something... random. the spleen, maybe. or some weird disorder of the skin, or something...
otherwise... if medicine doesn't work out...
there are options... i guess there is bio-med... but there is also sports science. there is law... there are combinations... double degrees... double majors... the government will surely loan me money to finish a degree and i can certainly draw that out... then... if i apply to medicine (again) after finishing a degree... i'm pretty darned sure the government wouldn't not loan me money if i'd been offered a place in medicine.
so... i guess...
enjoy the journey...
i suspect... at the end of the day... it's all about mathematical modelling. sigh. that's what happened with cognitive neuroscience. everything... i would like... to understand what is going on... and i would like... to find my niche. i'm not sure where.
i wanted... movement *prescription*. diagnosis of faulty movement... prescriptions for fixing it. whether it be joint manipulations, foam rolling / trigger release, dinky exercises, not so dinky exercises. i thought... THAT was what it was supposed to be about.
problem: people don't do their exercises.
apparently.
i guess... that's why you gotta hold their hands to get them to do it...
nobody gives a sh*t... it's not life and death. people would rather pay a surgeon... 'fix it for me i won't do anything to help myself'
yeah.
and... my old notes are gone. paper notes... gone after 7 years or 10 years or whatever... so mostly gone. and this 'autistic spectrum' thing... 'aspergers'... whatever. it, uh, it's okay. alright. i mean... really. it isn't like 'borderline'. or 'dissociative identity disorder'. things that people... don't want to poke you with a barge pole... this is... different.
i, uh. i hope the nurse lady might be able to help me figure some things to say so that i can make some friends and keep my own personal space. because... people here... understand me... or... they are more capable of understanding me than most people in the world. they are decent people. and most of them are focused on their work etc too. and there must be ways i can say to them that i just need more personal space etc etc so they won't take it personal if i don't want to hang out... and then... once i know i have my space... i would want to hang out more. i would like to make some friends here, yeah. and in a way it is perfect with most people only being about for 6 months and then moving on. it, uh, gives me different people to, uh, practice with. worst case... i only f*ck things up for 6 months. or, uh, have to move to the other building / wing for a bit...
i am happy here. i, uh, hope i can build a life to, uh, help others one day. where i earn money. i guess that is the idea. where i earn more money than i have now. where i'm not borrowing to study... not relying on welfare payments to live. i guess that is the aim. ? i... would like some more money, yes. but, uh, i'm pretty happy, yeah. will be good to have that little bit of grading... i think i've figured a way to work without physical textbooks... need to put more into the clothes thing to feel... acceptable. human. at peace with myself / my appearance / my presentation to the world. need a bit more there... because things really ran down over the years. but, uh, that's all. that's it.
life is good.
Posted by alexandra_k on July 7, 2014, at 23:39:51
In reply to Re: happy happy happy, posted by alexandra_k on July 7, 2014, at 23:21:44
and i think a huge part of it is about how girls bodies almost metamorphasise at puberty. the hips get much wider and they lose control of their femurs. maybe their femurs get longer... i'm not sure... the q angle changes... because of something something about lines of pull (i don't really understand) they can't control their femurs so well.
i think a huge part of why some women try and starve themselves about then is because they don't like the ungainly monster they feel they have become...
and those who continue with athletics... tend to be those with 'boyish' figures... probably because guys don't feel... squeemish? about coaching them. it is pretty awful watching a gangly girl try and be athletic when she doesn't have control over her limbs... and... we don't know how to teach them. cues that worked before... that work for guys... don't work anymore. and they just look, uh, wrong. hard to qualify??? quantify?? it more than that. they just look *wrong*.
sports is an area where we think of guys form as being ideal and women as being inferior deviations from. anatomy more generally used to be like that. we hear how women's bodies are deviations (in non-ideal ways) for the purposes of child bearing...
that might be true...
but it might also be that women... move a bit different. ideally, i mean. that ideal movement for them (given their anatomical differences) is a bit different from ideal movement for guys. coaching cues... sometimes you gotta tell people lies to get their bodies moving in ways you want... you can't tell them the truth... you say things like 'reach your scorpian tail further up your back' and that fixes up their back angle...or whatever... perhaps... it isn't just that ideal form for women looks a bit different (and we don't quite even know what that is yet) but perhaps there are a bunch more lies that we haven't even dreamed of yet that are useful for getting females to actually move their bodies how they should...
anyway... i have a thing about this...
physical education.
the issue, of course... is that i don't actually want to work with the kids. i'll watch them... videos of them... work with the coaches... or whatever. research...
it is cheaper to invest in female medals than guys... because there are conceptual / coaching advances to be made... the field is underdeveloped when it comes to female athletes. whereas with guys... guys are so very much closer to the ideal already... diminishing returns... etc...
and the body image thing... it is important...
anyway... end research proposal. ha.
Posted by alexandra_k on July 7, 2014, at 23:50:22
In reply to Re: happy happy happy, posted by alexandra_k on July 7, 2014, at 23:39:51
but think of the money that we could save on surgery...
all those back problems and knee problems etc etc etc. i mean... people have traumatic injuries, yeah, of course.
but people get worn out hips and knees and ankles etc etc etc sometimes because of anatomical peculiarities, yeah...
but more often because they never learned to move properly *given their anatomical peculiarities*. they never learned how to hold their joints with their muscles instead of having bone grind on bone... and over time... their movement got sloppy... deteriorated...
i don't know why but i feel that being a surgeon... could be a great way of really... properly... pursuing this line... learning relevant stuff... perhaps being able to make an impact...
prevention of surgery... by which i don't mean making people wait 10 or 15 years for their hip replacement because we only wanna give them once in their lifetime and the lifespan of a hip replacement is only...
and...
personal trainers... should actually be trained in movement prescription... teaching people how *they* should be moving *given stuff about their anatomical peculiarities*. there should be a field like that. what shall we call it? PE? physio? sports science? it should probably be cross-disciplinary... athletes can be *ssh*l*s to work with, too... what is my niche? is this going to require calculus? trig? my calculator has sin and cos and... uh... i'm gonna need those. right?
and. uh. that was just my rant *before i even started learning anything about it*. looking forward to learning stuff, i am.
comparative animal biology and physics.. yeah.. mmm k.
Posted by Partlycloudy on July 8, 2014, at 9:54:02
In reply to Re: happy happy happy, posted by alexandra_k on July 7, 2014, at 23:50:22
I am reminded of the limited benefits many people get from physical therapy, whether it's recovering from a joint replacement, or an injury. Like there is a universal set of knowledge about the way the human body is put together, and it's accepted. But it doesn't work on everyone, because we aren't all the same.
How to educate a lot of people to tailor remedial therapy for individuals. How I got on this tangent, I don't know.
Great to see you happy. It's such a fine line between not being lonely and maintaining our boundaries and privacy.
Posted by alexandra_k on July 8, 2014, at 23:26:06
In reply to Re: happy happy happy, posted by Partlycloudy on July 8, 2014, at 9:54:02
yes to the fine line. i think it is easier to retain my privacy when it comes to accommodation... because that is hugely important to me, and fairly fragile.
neighbour seems to be trying to figure how to prop his door open. they are heavy doors that swing shut and lock automatically and his door jam is only working to keep it ajar rather than wedging it properly open. i do hope he gets the idea over time... that the floor isn't a shared flat. if he wants to leave his front door open... whatever... but people are going to get pretty pissed off if he is going to try and monitor comings and goings / run out to greet everyone always...
sigh.
Posted by alexandra_k on July 8, 2014, at 23:41:27
In reply to Re: happy happy happy, posted by Partlycloudy on July 8, 2014, at 9:54:02
went better today. because i have a bit of a schema, i guess.
i realized... i can just walk into the court room and take a seat and listen to the proceedings. they encourage you not to... but that is because most people are incapable of shutting their pie holes for more than 5 minutes... and don't seem able to glean much from what is going on...
and, uh, i was.
so, uh, i'm not entirely sure what that says about my ability to learn by imitation. or something...
anyway... i didn't get diversion. i looked into what that meant a bit...
i think court... my people. basically. rational people. responsive to reason. calm... that comes from distance. both because they aren't personally involved in the circumstances and because the event happened a couple weeks ago... or months... or years... or whatever.
and they seemed pretty reasonable, really. the judge. the lawyers, too. a sense of when people were having them on (and whether it really mattered) or whatever...
so i kinda enjoyed watching the proceedings, a bit. and i think they enjoyed the audience, actually. and there was a little bit of banter about the soccer etc... but not so much. and some of the stuff that seemed banter like that... there was a bit more to it... about how seemingly minor differences in the way the judge did this or that made a difference to police powers or whatever... and it just all seemed very reasonable, really.
so... uh... i didn't get the diversion. that means the police went back to talk to her and asked her whether she wanted me to be considered for it - since it was my first offence. told her i showed remorse... said it was a way of keeping my record clean since i had no priors... and she basically told them that no, she didn't want me considered for diversion... she wanted them to prosecute me.
so...
a vengeful... retaliative person... several weeks after the event. uh, that's what the court hears. and the lawyers. and i don't think i'm supposed to... the official line for me is that she's a government worker so it isn't in the police power to grant me diversion but i found stuff online about how diversion is more about the victim and what they have to say about things... and she didn't say i hurt her. she was upfront about how she wasn't injured and i didn't hurt her at all.
so, anyway...
talked to a forensic lawyer today... and he basically filled out a legal aid application for me. i said i was concerned about a record.... explained things to him a bit more properly... he said that he might get appointed to me but probably not - since he filed the legal aid application form. but that basically... they'd hope to get me off. i think... the court has empathy for me at this point, really... since it is so very clear that she (and she made it clear she isn't a victim) does not.
which is all very... reasonable, really.
anyway...
i quite enjoyed learning about the law... it is fairly... orderly. and there is some.... respect. not heaps... i don't think people know what respect is / means anymore, really. people rocking up... disturbing court proceedings... not being able to shut their pie holes for five minutes and just observe.
i think the trouble with labs... is that i don't get to observe someone who knows what they are doing doing the whole thing first. i'm the kind of person who likes to hang back and watch until i think i've got a fairly good idea of what it is that i'm supposed to be doing. the couple minutes verbal instruction at the start of the lab isn't really enough for me. and following people who don't know what they are doing... i have an aversion to doing things wrong... motor skills... most people like to throw the oly bar around... i watched a great deal before i felt ready to try. that's just... me. and there it is.
anyway... back in a couple weeks...
Posted by alexandra_k on July 8, 2014, at 23:50:08
In reply to Re: court..., posted by alexandra_k on July 8, 2014, at 23:41:27
several things on the police statement / report were incorrect.
it said i tried to kick her, and i didn't.
it said she told me i'd need to make an appointment to see the doctor in a couple weeks. and she didn't - she repeatedly told me that i'd been discharged and thus a doctor wouldn't see me.
i bet next time... i just enter a plea and ask for remand. which means... 'can we do this again in another 2 weeks?'
i wonder if they put a few fiblets on the thing just to help out a 'not guilty' plea? i wonder...
i think it is... about the court getting to know you, or something. you can learn a lot about a person my making them come and hang about at the courthouse half a day every two weeks over a couple months...
learn whether they seem to pose a threat to the public or not.. whether they seem capable of picking up on rules / protocol. how they interact with others (they simply make you by not providing the information you need - so you need to ask people). and so on...
i think... it is good that these things are taken into account. by reasonable people.
i'm terrified of the thought that unreasonable... mean... vindictive... people might get control of something like that... but happy that things seem okay... the police were, too. to me, anyway... reasonable...
a thought occurred to me... wouldn't it be f*ck*ng hilarious if they court ordered me to treatment by a doctor at the place i got the tresspass order from??? would serve her f*ck*ng right. actually no. i certainly don't want to go back there. but imagine the look on her face if they did... and they actually have the power to do that ahahahahahahaha.
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